Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Ask DB1: Coachella

—————-

DB1 –

Two weekends ago I was visiting L.A. and we took a side trip to Palm Springs. Unfortunately, it was also the first weekend of the Coachella festival.

Needless to say, any mention of Palm Springs led to the inescapable question, “Are you going to Coachella?” with the requisite valley-girl head-cock, a la the RCA Dog.

It quickly became a running joke in our group, and we created the character “Coachella Bitch” who drove too fast (“because I’m sooooo late for Coachella”), was blonde (“the desert sun at Coachella bleached my hair”) was very concerned about staying hydrated (“Do they sell bottled water at Coachella?”) and couldn’t believe anyone who was within 1,000 miles wasn’t attending (“You mean, you’re NOT going to Coachella?”).

After speaking to people who actually attended, it didn’t sound like a good time, mixing the worst aspects of camping with the best aspects of TSA security checks. And Tupac.

My questions:

1) Is attendance Coachella auto-douche?

2) To what evil uses will the Tupac “hologram” eventually be put? Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.

I remain,

Douche Wayne (not at Coachella)

———–

Coachella = Autodouche. Any narcissistic exercise in which saying you went is more important than the music you’re going to see is spectacle over authenticity, the heart of douche culture. When the preening D-List celebs start going, you have the assing on the puke.

Autodouche. So let it be written. So let it be done.

Give Lucas a few years, and Hologram Tupac will be the new Emperor.

Remember kids: Lucas neck. Make sure you eat enough iodine.

# posted by douchebag1
11:37 am May, 1 Vin Douchal said...

Just as Coachella= Autodouche , so does Stagecoach= Autodouche, although at a much more drunken level

.

.

Billy Bobs

11:41 am May, 1 Vin Douchal said...

See if you can go the full 2:42 with this clip and :

.

a) Remember the temperature

b) Not think about plugging her every orafice with everything you’ve got

c) Avoid saying things like “give my left nut” or “kill a viilage of Aborgines”

d) Not Google “Jackie Johnson”

.

.

11:44 am May, 1 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Fuck Tupac. And what’s with the big neck jokes, I have a size 19. Oh I get it he’s fat! Jackie, I’d like to know ye!

11:45 am May, 1 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Vin

.

DO NOT make the mistake of Googling “fuck me boots”. Just don’t do it.

11:47 am May, 1 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

She has more than three orifi. Her boobs, armpits, butt flesh, bent knee, hipbones, bent neck, and her whispering breath would all get her done.

11:54 am May, 1 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I could watch Jackie recite the entire Leonard Cohen discography and not notice Gary Coleman and Peter O’Toole behind her hate fucking K.D. Lang and lighting the Olsen Twins aflame in Klan attire while the ghost of Kate Smith sang “God Bless America” to a trio of St. Bernard puppies being juggled by Stephen Hawking in drag.

12:19 pm May, 1 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Why is Jackie souring through the air like a UFO wearing riding boots? And by UFO, I mean ultra-fuccable-object.

12:21 pm May, 1 CB Popped said...

I hear you Chad;

I could watch Jackie Johnson read from an Oxford Dictionary circa 1962, and not notice Tiger Woods getting tarred and feathered by Ted Knight’s ghost while The Dildonics first demo tape played softly in the candlelit background.

12:22 pm May, 1 jonezy said...

There was a lot of debate when this guy had a banana down some chick’s throat a few weeks ago, but I think we can all agree to thank him for this

12:39 pm May, 1 Et Tu Douche? said...

I went 15 seconds and well you know. Damn you Vin D and by Damn you I mean great work.

1:19 pm May, 1 Doucheywallnuts said...

She looks like she’s a little coke minx. I’d lick it off of her from stem to stern. Coke minx, I says.

1:36 pm May, 1 troy tempest said...

Los Angeles weather girl is what porn stars do when they get tired of doing facials five days a week.

1:37 pm May, 1 Mr. Biggs said...

Sorry guys.

I went.

And I had a good time.

You may now crucify me.

But honestly, yeah there were a lot of annoying “Coachella Bitches” both male and female. And I’ve come back further convinced that the single unifying feature of hipster fashion is to be annoying as possible at all times. But I saw a lot of bands I loved, hung out with some good friends, clean air, a day off work, and heck. Friend’s dad put us up in his timeshare. Ok now you can really crucify me.

As for Tupac, it’s just one more step towards the zombie apocalypse. Hangs ups on the dead mean becoming undead.

3:20 pm May, 1 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Et Tu

.

I never liked Gretsky either. I think it’s great that his daughter spreads her labes for the world. Her mother did.

3:54 pm May, 1 Nancy Dreuche said...

Stone Mr. Biggs for having fun! And by stone I mean let Rev Chad do the stoning.

.

I wouldn’t say auto if you go to the festival, have fun, listen to bands you like, bang a hipster and come away from it disease free and keep the bragging and Instagramming about it to a minimum. In fact if you’re able to do that in any situation (replace hipster with whatever you’re trying to score with) I say notta douche. Then again I’m more of a free spirit than you fuddy duddies.

4:21 pm May, 1 Olddog1 said...

What Nancy Dreuche said…

Just because DBags hang out by the pool does not make swimmers DBags. We have to be careful with our calling out the bag, lest we become the bag. We do not want to be worsing at crocked porppoises do we.

9:27 pm May, 1 Stephanie said...

Going to an outdoor live band event is douchebag? Or is it Coachella? The Black Keys played,how is that douchebag when you like The Horrors,The Black Keys, The Shins,The Buzzcocks,The Kaiser Chiefs,The Hives,etc. There’s going to be assholes everywhere, but if you’re going for the music…

6:25 am May, 2 Flyingdouche said...

Didn’t Bugs Bunny go there for the carrot festival??

6:39 am May, 2 Douche Wayne said...

@ Vin

I see your Jackie Johnson and raise you an Evelyn Taft. And by “raise” I mean, well, raise.

Warm Front

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