Saturday, May 5, 2012

Comment of the Week: DarkSock

Darksock waxes pearstalgic about Princess Pearielle and wins the coveted HCwDB Comment of the Week:

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I have a weakness for spinners…oh yes I do.

I’d taunt a rabid mother polar bear with it’s still-warm cub’s carcass, wielding only a tasty hank of prime rib and a purple jelly dong, just for the privilege of smelling the breath of the stupid neighbor’s mutt that ate the scat of her toy poodle in the vain hope that one molecule of her exfoliated skin shed into the dog dish…simply because that molecule may have brushed against one of her precious ass molecules.

When asses look like that they should be studied, have white papers written about them, and then firmly spanked. By architects. From Biloxi. In black face, mouse ears, and wielding an erection that lasts more than four hours.

Medical FACT.

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# posted by douchebag1
12:36 pm May, 5 troy tempest said...

excellent comment. Personal peeve re: photo above: WHY THE DUTCH TILT? Does it make for a better picture? No. Why does everything have to look like an episode of the 1960s Batman TV Show? WTF? grrrrrr.

12:42 pm May, 5 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I missed this one from DarkSock. Must have been studying the pear at the time.

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Douche above looks like the love child of Elvis and Ice-T.

1:03 pm May, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

Hi I’m new here. What is a spinner, and what is the height and weight requirement to qualify for said category? I have a friend who may qualify and I would like to inform her of her fan base.

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When I’m not doing God’s work I hang out here.

1:41 pm May, 5 Vin Douchal said...

The guy I’m this photo is Kendrys Powerzo from the Telemumdo version of Eastbound and Down called, “Fuck Off Douche”. They have less censorship than we do …

1:56 pm May, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

That spinner is 4′-7″ and 80 pounds and takes a Jesus-sized cocck in her all holes. A spinner in general is a cute tiny girl around 5′-2″ 100 pounds and horny as a rabid badger. And that was classic Dark Sock. Son.

1:58 pm May, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

An hour before post time and I bet Uncle DarkSock is salivating and seeing as the the Rev hasn’t chimed in he must be about 8 Mint Julips in on what figures to be a long afternoon what with Lenny The Box being at his side and by at his side I mean they’re probably out in the garage getting hammered, hitting the vaporizer and avoiding the wives.

2:21 pm May, 5 Wheezer said...

“Notorious Pompadouche”

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Now let’s see if that catches on.

2:22 pm May, 5 Wheezer said...

“Notori-Ice-D”

2:29 pm May, 5 Wheezer said...

Methinks ‘Sockk is in Louisville right now, asking all sorts of questions about “horsepower” and “pole position,” and wondering to himself if he can run 500 miles.

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Wealthy ladies in fruity hats are looking at him with fear in their eyes, and their menfolk are, well, pondering the reasons behind his questions. They think to tell him he’s about 100 or more miles too far south on I-65, but they instead think, “Must be somethin’ in them juleps this year.”

2:42 pm May, 5 The Dude said...

I just took a dump that looked like dearly desharted Elvis, while it swirled away from my environs. I must do that move regularly. More.

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‘grats ‘Sock, that post had insouciance only gained from beers of experience!

2:43 pm May, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

Thanks tall gay, but I was asking for a friend. I get it. I am obese. Why would I even think of asking for myself? I must spend my life in the shadows engulfed in my own blubber. Yo comprende, mi amigo. Soy muy gorda. (In honor of Cinco de Mayo) Also, it’s not like I go around making up fake stories about Germans that don’t exist to get my questions answered. So thank you RevChad for your prompt response. I can’t believe you’re the heloful one around here nowadays.

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Bwahahahaha! <- I blame Super Moon fever for my rediculousness.

2:59 pm May, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

Congrats Rev!!!!!! and by congrats I mean FU (Respect) and “I’ll Have Another”

3:14 pm May, 5 Adolf Skroatler said...

A young, nude woman is placed in a specially prepared basket with an opening in the bottom.

The basket is suspended from a load bearing beam in the ceiling. Some lucky fellow slides under the suspended wench, and then she is brought down until he has entered her perimeter.

The girl and the basket is given a gentle spin. This spin is continued until the man has completed his task, or his favorite TV show comes back on.

True Story,

ASvB

3:16 pm May, 5 hermit said...

I’ve got mouse turds and beetles in my silverware drawer, so I’m drinking Jack Daniels and Nyquil® from a Campbell’s Soup can.

I couldn’t understand a single word.that Mexican dwarf said, and I speak fluent Spanish when I’m drunk.

Drunk chicks with sweaty panties and stupid hats should be twitched with riding crops and salted down like cucumbers. All those horses will be ground into pink slime, and processed into balogna at some point.

Darksock used the formulaic Db1 model to good effect.

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I’d dangle my sinewy nut sack over a tub of ravenous, ill-tempered snapping turtles for the chance to write my name on Spinner’s retarded cousin’s eczema-crusted ankles with a Sharpie®.

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I’d dot the “i” with a tiny heart.

3:18 pm May, 5 hermit said...

That Derby broadcast was like porn to Darksock .

3:22 pm May, 5 troy tempest said...

@Nancy Dreuche-

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What the Rev said. The up side on spinners is if they are limber they can do anything – super fun ride. And that is a mighty big upside. The downsides (for a guy such as myself) are several (and I speak from experience in each of these):

1. Forget about anal. It’s not wildly common to begin with, but when she’s 5’2″ and 90 lbs the butt hole makes a FIST. Might as well try and boink a hamster.

2. They tend to be really high strung. After a while it gets really bad and they either implode their lunacy into their own petty snarkery and turn into a shrieking chihuahua in a people suit, or they just go fucking bonkers and spend the next 20 years on psychotropics and reading self help books.

3. They tend to have very small breasts, (fine by me – more than a handful’s just for visual effect and more for gravity to tug on later) and as a consequence always feel like they have to compensate by over compensating in some other way, usually with an overstated personality. Because they’re 32A 22 34, they tend to get carded until they’re about 30 and their inner chihuahua appears or their meds are better than booze.

4. They think they are like “normal people” but they’re not, and it gets them in trouble. They weigh half of what everyone else weighs, but they drink like everyone else. Asa consequence they get twice as plastered, and that can make them more fun when they’re doing their spinning thing on a dick and getting stuffed full of baby batter, it makes it tough the next morning when they need help to keep from drowning in the toilet as they hurl their guts up. For hours.

5. They’re often affected by a weird female version of the Napoleon syndrome. Spinners can be really bitchy and very high emotional maintenance. I have NEVER met a mellow spinner. I don’t think they exist.

3:24 pm May, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@ASvB, ah, now that makes more sense. I will tell me pal to ask if any if the gents she goes out on dates with have this type of equipment. She is gonna be thrilled at the amount of useful info I am gleaning from you guys with the exception of one tall guy, whose only purpose in life is to remind me of my crippling obesity. As if my Taco Bell Gold Card wasnt reminder enough.

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Amateurs

3:30 pm May, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Troy, Interesting, #5 especially explains my friend to a T. But I think you may be wrong, I’m sure there’s a mellow spinner out there somewhere. Theres just gotta be.

3:33 pm May, 5 Adolf Skroatler said...

@ Dreuche,

Target, Home Depot, and Sears carries a Full-Line of Spinner Equipment from assorted manufactures.

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ASvB

3:42 pm May, 5 hermit said...

In Panama we always called the practice Asvb referred to as “chicken in a basket,” but I guess it depends upon the region.

3:44 pm May, 5 hermit said...

Always lube well or you’ll become afflicted with “corkscrew syndrome.”

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.That shit hurts.

3:47 pm May, 5 hermit said...

Nancy, after they spend a few hours in the basket they become gentle as a lamb, quite calm but drool uncontrollably.

3:56 pm May, 5 The Dude said...

This thread would make Teebus beg to go back to dead.

4:20 pm May, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

Right on Hermit!!!!!!

4:24 pm May, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@ASvB, I’ll have to check it out. I’ll just go ahead assume they’re located in the automotive aisle.

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@Hermit 3:47, you just described the ending to the perfect day. You know what they always say, if they drool they rule.

4:26 pm May, 5 The Dude said...

If I had a dollar for every chuckle I get reading this thread, I’d be able to LIVE MåS at Taco Hell.

4:32 pm May, 5 The Dude said...

When I grow up, I’ma buy a horse, name it DarkSock, pee in it, spank it on the ass, and enter it in the Kentucky derby.

5:33 pm May, 5 Doucheywallnuts said...

I have imbibed so much Tanqueray that the Rev makes total sense to me,. Also, watching UFC on Fox. As a side note, I am disappointed that Nancy is obese, OR that I have imbibed so much Tanqueray that I am unable to detect her deceit and that she could be a guy fucking with us.

5:47 pm May, 5 The Dude said...

^wallnuts for the chicken dinner!^ and by “chicken dinner”, use your fkn imagination!!

6:29 pm May, 5 The Dude said...

She may be growtesquely fat, or not female, but dang! I’m not taking sides here, but ‘tall gay’ was pretty fkn funny!

6:49 pm May, 5 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@drueche, not to cover ground the Rev. has already covered, but I’m an expert of sorts. 5’1″ is the best cutoff. There is a kind of a cutoff point there in terms of number of people as well as perception. Ever notice how many 5’9″ish men there are? Pretty average, pretty common, right? But at just 1″ shorter, you hardly ever see 5’8″. And when you do, you think: tiny. 5’1″ is the same for women. Below about 4’10” though it is terribly rare to find an adult who has anything resembling proportion.

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Weight only has to be proportional, but given the size and the prerequisite that she be attractive, you are talking sub 100lbs in most cases.

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Famous examples: Christina Ricci, Kristen Kruek (5’1″); Dakota Fanning, Shakira(5′); Lupe Fuentes (4’11”). Claims that she is shorter are exaggerations.

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Ignore the ramblings of douchebag stalkers. I’m sure you and your friend would make a memorable 3-way. You do the bi-curious thing, right?

6:55 pm May, 5 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Troy is right about high strung. Wrong about anal.

7:07 pm May, 5 The Dude said...

I need a spinner.

7:16 pm May, 5 The Dude said...

Whoreward to the New Cuntiers. <Sounds worse than it feels.

7:19 pm May, 5 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@The Dude,

Here you go. Maybe the smallest of them all. 4’5″ 72lb Thainee.

SFW image, though not the rest of the site:

http://www.nakedasiangirls.co.uk/images/models/thainee/1.jpg

7:34 pm May, 5 creature said...

ND, you may need a chain motor

7:35 pm May, 5 creature said...

…& a truck tire

8:18 pm May, 5 tall guy said...

Grotesquely large does not equal growtesquely fat. Although grotesquely lard does.

8:33 pm May, 5 The Dude said...

Given a choice between a sprained knee (with some sefknserious medical doses) and Thai Knee? hmm, let me think about it for NO minutes!

8:35 pm May, 5 The Dude said...

^by that I mean I am a proud owner of a fucked up knee, and ouch!

8:38 pm May, 5 Adolf Skroatler said...

@ Hermit

I like to refer to it has “Hot Clam, boxed to-go.”

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ASvB

8:47 pm May, 5 Adolf Skroatler said...

@ Dreuche

Let me save you some time, you need to skip the Automotive Section, and head directly to the Garden Center.

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There, behind the Swing-sets, is where the really good Spinner-Sets are. Look for these Brand-Names:

ExBox 360

Sit & Spin 6000

Around The World – Action Set by Ramco

Spinster

Driller

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These are just a few Brand-Names, I’m sure someone knows a few more.

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ASvB

8:50 pm May, 5 Adolf Skroatler said...

“Schlong Connery” by Scottish Basket & Co.

8:51 pm May, 5 Adolf Skroatler said...

Pig Benis

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8:52 pm May, 5 Adolf Skroatler said...

Poopshooter 2000

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8:54 pm May, 5 Adolf Skroatler said...

Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em, Drill ‘Em

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8:55 pm May, 5 Adolf Skroatler said...

Capt. Morgan’s “Clam Buster”

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8:56 pm May, 5 Adolf Skroatler said...

Sit ‘N Spin – Adult Edition

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9:00 pm May, 5 Adolf Skroatler said...

Throat Yogurt Storage Maker

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9:04 pm May, 5 Adolf Skroatler said...

Dixie Normous

Made In Georgia

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9:06 pm May, 5 Adolf Skroatler said...

RekUrAss

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9:46 pm May, 5 The Dude said...

I need another spinner!

9:55 pm May, 5 The Dude said...

Throatler made an incisve point. Somewhere.

10:02 pm May, 5 The Dude said...

so did Schlong Connery. Fuck. Off! that made me laugh, a bit

10:32 pm May, 5 The Dude said...

and. Tebus Holy Shit, my knee hurts! Fuck! the stainkillers are NOT working! ouch!

11:42 pm May, 5 Mr. Biggs said...

I’ll vouch for that medical fact. The relevant paper was referenced more than once in our grad level poli sci seminar on Nietzsche and Foucault.

1:51 am May, 6 Douchble Helix said...

The late, great, HST, a Kentucky native, loved the Derby.

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But not as much as Dark Sock.

4:25 am May, 6 The Dude said...

Fuck Off’s Pendoolum was a good read, after page two hunny. Nietshtwat? *konk* Eco eco

4:28 am May, 6 The Dude said...

Did I previously mention that my knee hurts more than anything could do to me? Crikey!

4:33 am May, 6 The Dude said...

In a more serious tone of voice, I really do mean that Focault’s Pendulum is a great story, just skip to page 200, or 198, if you want to catch the drift. huh?

7:09 am May, 6 Nancy Dreuche said...

@McCrudeshoes 6:49p, more like bi-furious that you would even suggest that. I know this is the internet and in order to get more attention I should tell everyone I’m into chicks too but obvs I have no problem getting stalkers to follow me without using any of that bullshit and I’ve been avatarless from Day Uno (that toot that you just heard was my own horn.) So until I’m put in an extreme situation along the lines of 20 to 25 years in a women’s prison, I remain strictly dicktly.

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@ASvB, Schlong Connery, FTW.

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@The Dude 10:32p and 4:28a, RICE your knee. And then get back in there sport.

7:25 am May, 6 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

^you’d double your chances of finding action though.

8:49 am May, 6 CB Popped said...

Strictly Dickly rules.

8:58 am May, 6 Nancy Dreuche said...

@McCrudeshoes, trust me I’ve done the math. Still not worth dealing with Stage 5 clingers. No offense ladies.

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@CBP, Exactly. 🙂

9:47 am May, 7 DarkSock said...

Stage 5 Clinger is a good band name.

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Thanks, Boss, and my fellow Peers (pun intended). This is a great honor that I shall remember for as long as I can.

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What were we talking about?

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