Monday, May 21, 2012

HCwDB of the Month

This is a tough one. Think hard. Drink Night Train. Eat a HoHo. Then bring it.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Aqua Vulva and British Sexy Sophia

Country doucherstars don’t make it that far that often here at HCwDB.

Aqua Vulva is an exception. For his is all that is wretched in the post Blake Shelton universe we call “Can you Dance With a Voice Idol?”

For his is the network spectacle of assface.

Hers are the curvy doe eyes of expensive first dates and overpriced Mai Tais.

Notice the locket necklace and shaved chest, and then punch a ferret in the nadsack.

Stare into British Sexy Sophia’s beckoning blues. Dive into her corneal waters in the hoped-for imagined spheres of alternative universes of global peace and harmony butt slapple.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: The Bishop and Homegrown Hannah

Chesshead.

Not acceptable.

Welly worthy of collective internet mock.

Homegrowns.

Purity of suckle thigh.

Curvature of Pi’s non-recurring integers.

Together, they make festidity.

And don’t miss Hitler Chin.

Hitler Chin, lades and gentlemen.

The point at which masculinity crashed into fascist signifiers of the 1930s appropriated from silent film actors of the 1920s.

And Harry Langdon danced.

That previous sentence doesn’t really have any meaning. I just like Harry Langdon. He’s like a man baby.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Orangudan and Vegas Kim

Vegas died a death at the altar of orangeness.

Rat Pack style gave way to garish monstrocity.

The desert dream of Bugsy Siegel collapsed in the fetid stench of Hard Rock pools at 2am with dirty towels, cigarette butts, and fowl spilled plastic martini glasses.

And from the ashes rose Orangudan.

The collective id monster of all that is unholy in Douche Mecca.

With Vegas Kim by her side, the two unleash a torrent of poo uponst our culture.

Together, they make 7.25 an hour.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Voguegina and Furry Amanda

Strike a pose, there’s nothing to it… douche!

Heh. This guy sucks. And them’s two mores naturals for the trophy shelf.

I’m outta euphemisms.

It’s your turn.

Tell me which of these four couplings is most foul and unholy, most deserving of winning the HCwDB of the Month?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
6:28 am May, 21 Et Tu Douche? said...

I’ll veer way from HCwDB ethos and go with The Bishop and Homegrown Hannah’s B( . )( . )B’s FTW. And by for the win I mean those jugs have fun written all over them preferably with my man spackle.

6:59 am May, 21 Doucheywallnuts said...

Orangudan and Vegas Kim FTW (loss!). Orangudan evokes memories, horrible ones, of Tendon Ted and for this he must be rewarded (punished) with the monthly crown. Vegas Kim is just the disease-laden icing on the frightening cake.

7:05 am May, 21 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I scrolled down, but stopped at Orangudung. He is the clear loser. Vegas Kim is a clear hott. So are the other lovelies in this monthly, but the stench that is Orangudung is over powering.

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I don’t think Orangudung can over come Sleepy-eyed Tatted McDouche of Clan McDouche. But the year is still young.

7:07 am May, 21 Nkima said...

ORANGUDAN! Ohh-Ohh-Ahh-Ahh!

7:09 am May, 21 Scooby Douche said...

Too easy, which is OK ’cause I’m loading up the ice chest and heading out to the beach this morning for some surf, sun, and hopefully boob-watchin’.

Orangudan FTW.

7:35 am May, 21 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Another tough call here, these specimens are chock full of win and by that I mean societal loss. In the douche ecosystem cuntry bags are pretty low on the food chain but Sophia looks like a girl who is good and orally fixated, big blue eyes looking up whilst you cock punch her uvula. Chesshead is a side show act and poser he’d probably set himself on fire if he thought someone would think for a nanosecond he wasn’t a fatuous prick! Fatuous prick I says! Homegrown Hannahs bags of cornmeal are probably fun to toss around and her “quiet, shy one” look suggests she’s really a sexual deviant deeply ensconced and well traveled in all sorts of circles of sexual depravity and terpitude, pretty hairy stuff considering her regular girl looks. Aside from most certainly being a douchebag Voguegina is also just plain an asshole with his stupid Vanilla Ice meets the unabomber meets your average street mime look, if only we could cut the invisible cord and drop an invisible piano on his head! But on the bright side somewhere an AM/PM is $2.99 richer by purchase of blue-blockers. Nothing special with furry Amanda here, just fodder for the pleasure of the douchey masses, standard issue Bleeth fresh out of the shrink wrap just pop in a 9v and start feeding her fruity drinks full of Goose. So to wrap this MoFo up my vote goes to the Orangudan and Vegas Kim, they give you the most douche for your buck. Radioactive/liver failure orange skin, dalmation tattoos, a fuggin’ pterodactyl holding a shield, phrase tat on the gut, semi-roided up frame, aggressive posturing, a wrist watch the size of the clock from Back to The Future, Vegas pool party, refillable cup with watered down overpriced drinks, artificially inflated cans, lower lip skid mark, the list goes on like the digits of Pi.

7:35 am May, 21 Blind Squirrel said...

Orangudan.

7:45 am May, 21 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Orangudan if only for horrible tatts and the sheer size of his HGH enlarged cranium, but yet there is so much more. Vegas Kim does not appear to be fully bleethed, there is hope for her. If a couple more pictures of these two surface, I do believe they can compete for a 2012 Douchie.

7:58 am May, 21 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

The Emporer has new spots. Orangudan has shrunken testes for the landslide into poo for the win.

8:01 am May, 21 FredN. said...

I don’t hate the first two guys. Dislike them immensely, but not hate.

.

Though everyone else says Orangudan is the clear loser, for what is he notable? Lack of a job, too much gym time, and REALLY stupid tats? That combo is the Aldi grocery store of douchebags, and by that I mean generic.

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Voguegina, on the other hand, really truly deserves extra mention on the monthly.

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Loser: Voguegina.

8:22 am May, 21 Vin Douchal said...

There isn’t a single person in this lineup I’d piss on if they were on fire. I’m gonna wait for some compelling arguments before voting….. since my vote counts… just like a Florida vote in a presidential elections

8:38 am May, 21 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Orangudan for teaching us that the trapezius bone is connected to the enlarged cranium bone. Remember, kids, keep your body orange and your scalp shiny white. If you don’t look like a creamsicle, you are doing it wrong.

8:54 am May, 21 Jim Beam said...

I’m just happy Hannah got posted again, but I have to go with Orangudan.

“Together, they make 7.25 an hour.” Which is to say, *she* makes 7.25 an hour. 🙂

8:57 am May, 21 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

All are equally douchy, but Voguegina’s outdated dance move puts him over the top.

9:22 am May, 21 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Orangudan drives a cement truck. Not for work or anything. He’s on disability for testicular atrophy. He just drives a cement truck.

9:30 am May, 21 Evilmoose said...

Orangudung should win this by a turd.

9:33 am May, 21 dB said...

Orangudan, no contest.

9:49 am May, 21 CB Popped said...

As much as The Bishop needs an ass kicking,,,,, and despite the fact I’d love to spend infinite hours practicing my

“cock-punching” (tks Capt. JT Douche) skills on every millimeter of Homegrown Hanna – – –

Orangutan is making me want to rip my eyeballs out, and Vegas chick is a sleeper cutie.

Orangutan, done.

9:53 am May, 21 Charles Douchewin said...

If Aqua Vulva ditched the hat and chain, if the Bishop lost his pattern and fung, and if the Voguegina would just put his hands down – they’d still be douchey – but maybe not irredeemable.

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The Orangudan has distorted reality, (and Kim) around himself – much like space-time – to become tough to look at, and even tougher to comprehend.

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Does that tattoo say compost?

10:13 am May, 21 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

I can’t get past those huge, fwappy cans on Hannah….but Orangudan’s douche pull is just strong enough to pull me down one more rung on the end-of-civilization ladder.

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.For he represents a serious, evolutionary regression that not even Hannah’s gravitational tits can prevent.

.

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.Orangudan and Kim FTM.

10:46 am May, 21 Sir Huddleston Fuddleston said...

Hannah’s bouncy beauties somehow defy gravity, her nibbles pointing north by northwest. However, the bishop is rank bush league db, compared to the 200 pounds of human excrement that is Orangudan. The only thing that bothers me about voting Orange in this election is that his woman is a skank. There’s no db/hott dic-hott-omy here.

I dunno, Orangudun FTL.

10:48 am May, 21 The Dude said...

I’m afraid to vote for Orangudan — let’s just say I wouldn’t cast my vote right in his face, but I will muster up the courage to do so, because as Douchewin says, the other DB’s are Stage 1 in terms of possible recovery. And if I were in Vegas on LSD, I’d have an enthralling conversation with Vegas Kim.

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For some reason, Voguegina’s pose really pisses me off, but if he weren’t doing that, he might deserve a notta.

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Orangudan FTL

11:11 am May, 21 Colossus of Choads said...

Orangudan for me.

The Jaguar arm-tat swings it.

Panthera Doucheus

11:46 am May, 21 Vin Douchal said...

Orangudan FTW but only because we got two shots of Hannah to satisfy us.

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On a related note, steroids make your muscles big and your lack of vocabulary more pronounced

11:47 am May, 21 troy tempest said...

Orangudan FTL. Eventually, the beer and burgers will get to him, and he’ll have to lay off the roids if he has any hope of keeping his undercarriage hung at a size greater than squirrel. When that happens, he’ll be in with the likes of Cro Bagnon (bless his retarded soul) and then he’ll get a desk job and turn to flab. Oozing into his seersucker suit, a thought will float to the top of the vomit tank that he calls his brain, and it will be “GROOOOO”. This meathead is an atrocity. He needs to go die in a war somewhere, so we can call him a hero. Otherwise, he’s headed for the closet of poo.

11:47 am May, 21 DarkSock said...

O how I’d love to crown The Bishop with a skillet, and checkmate Homegrown Hannah’s honkin’ hoagies with ropes of my love mayo, but c’mon….

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I cast my vote to Orangudan.

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And by “vote” I mean “fiber-poor poo”.

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Orangudan for the spotted dick win.

11:52 am May, 21 DarkSock said...

Son.

11:56 am May, 21 Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabbadouche said...

Homegrown Hanna looks like she could be the sexy little sister of Lisa Miller from “Newsradio.” For that alone, she and the Bishop get my vote. #mauratierneyyumyum

12:00 pm May, 21 Douche Springsteen said...

Orangudan seems to be the obvious choice but I’m going with The Bishop and Homegrown Hannah. The main reason being The Bishop smacks of humdrum, quotidian existence. What I mean is, I don’t frequent poolside clubs in Vegas. Therefore, Orangudan is like a giraffe to me, something I never see except for in photographs or moving images on TV and think “the throne of the Lord truly sits empty if such creatures roam the earth.”

Guys like The Bishop are, sadly, much more commonplace. Every time I go to Target to buy some incredibly banal piece of houseware or cleaning product, I invariably see some doofus with a stupid haircut that seems to serve no purpose other than to make people feel embarrassed for him. And the thing is, he knows it’s all a goddamn charade too. He can’t bring his stupid mopey face to smile even when he has a glorious pair of heavy, natural breasts pressed against him. Isn’t that the end game of having a stupid haircut like that? A vain attempt to be noticed by the opposite sex? So that is why I’m voting for The Bishop. That, and I’m a big fan of the Girl Next Door With Huge Cans thing.

12:09 pm May, 21 skrag2112 said...

I’m going to vote Vougegina just because there is something vaguely Vanilla Ice-ish about him. I still have issues with the Ice-hole all these years later.

12:18 pm May, 21 John Largemans Cheeseburger said...

I just noticed in the The Bishop and Homegrown Hannah pic that the sign in the background says Pearl. I bet those glorious TaTas would look good with a long dangling Pearl Necklace. So she gets my vote.

12:22 pm May, 21 Vin Douchal said...

Test:

.

12:22 pm May, 21 Vin Douchal said...

Thought so ^

12:53 pm May, 21 Stephanie said...

Orangudan and Vegas Kim.He’s far too obnoxious to even look at.

1:03 pm May, 21 SonnyChibaChoad said...

Orangudan in a 31 and a half – length runaway.

.

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Brachiators

1:40 pm May, 21 Fergie said...

Orange Guy

1:44 pm May, 21 Fergie said...

^Damnit, I was hoping I would be banned permanently. For awhile I couldn’t post anything.

2:26 pm May, 21 Hermit said...

Like a creature from a hastily-produced fifties-era horror film, Orangudan seems to be thrown together using the mismatched parts from a low-budget costume room. His orange-stained skin contrasts sharply with the luminosity of his dazzling, white dome, a shining beacon, leading only to emptiness. His oily skin exudes a constant trickle of horse steroids, insecurity and Bud Lite Lime, staining his nylon shorts and coagulating between his wrist and watchband. He will fight a lifetime losing battle with STD’s and sagging breasts.

.

The rest of his poor choices notwithstanding, the inexplicable mess of blotchy arm ink is the most troubling, and will relegate him to a life of alcoholism, wage garnishment and marginal employment.

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I’d like to rub Vegas Kim’s boobs with egg whites and pine sap while apologizing for foul language premature ejaculation.

2:47 pm May, 21 The Dude said...

Pine sap? Maple, dude! No wonder yer a hermit! 😉

3:39 pm May, 21 ehcuodouche said...

None of the hotts really stand out here, so I’m going to go with Orangudan. Didn’t we learn anything from Barry Bonds? This guy has gone way past the line with the roids and now his head has expanded past the Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds sizes, and right into Cartoonish Ken Griffey-size from that Simpsons episode. It’s expanded so much that all the Orange won’t even stick to it anymore. That and the tatts? Seriously, you can still be a douchebag, but have a theme in mind. This guy went in and said, “Okay, make my left arm look like a cow. Write the name of my favorite alcohol on my belly. And for my chest, um, I don’t know. Just draw something cool off the back of this $1 bill my good man.” I have a feeling he’d look better if he tipped a $20.

3:45 pm May, 21 Anonymous said...

Orange Daniel

6:26 pm May, 21 Guid is Good said...

I would like to give the HCwDB of the month to The Voguegina and Furry Amanda. I like where he is trying to take his douchiness and Furry Amanda reminds us why those Albanian people trafficers are doing such good business out the back in Borat land.

We’ve seen Orangudan and Vegas Kim types here before – every day it seems. And while the Orangudan may just be a poor man’s Tendon Ted coloured in by a 6yo with a sharpie and too much time on their hands, he gets my vote.

Vegas Kims are a dime a dozen. Trust me – I know.

4:36 am May, 22 CB Popped said...

Orangudan DOES look like something from a hastily produced 50’s Sci Fi movie/The original Outer Limits.

Hermit, F T W.

Ropes of Love Mayo, good band name.

5:18 am May, 22 FoghornLeghorn said...

Orangudan for the win. But I almost voted for Aqua Vulva just because of his name.

5:33 am May, 22 Ol' Dirty Douchebag said...

I’d like to vote for Furry Amanda and by vote I mean be completely ignored by, it’s the Orangudan FTW and society’s loss. Vegas Kim is probably the most unworthy and unholy hott but Orangudan pegs the meter. Not in a good way.

8:09 am May, 22 Ohio FJ said...

Orangudan and Vegas Kim FTW

9:48 pm May, 22 Jeet Kune Douche said...

Jesus Christ.

LOOK AT THIS BUNCH!

OK, one at a time:

Acqua Vulva and Sophia – Aqua wears that hat on sundays at huntington beach, where he can pretend to be a surfer dude while keeping the cap tucked low so he can sneakily gaze at teenage boiz.

Douchecon 7.

Bishop and Hanna – teh poor mental deficient has some sort of scalp affliction! I wonder if medical science has a name for fungal growths that partially render bald the worst of the social retards in GenY.

Douchecon 7.

Orangudan and Kim – Everything about this guy screams out “NNNDUUUUUUHHH!!!!” $100 sez his vocabulary is restricted to three different grunts.

Douchecon 9. EASE OF THE STEROIDS AND HGH, NUMBSKULL, BEFORE YOUR TESTICLES SHRINK TO QUANTUM PARTICLES.

Voguegina and Amanda – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! GIMMEANAXEGIMMEANAXENOWNOWNOWNOW!!!!!

DOUCHECON 10! IT’S THE ANGEL OF DEATH IN ROOSTERGEAR METROPUSSY EFFERVESCENCE!!!!!

Voguegina FTW with epic radioactive fury!

6:14 am May, 23 douche equis said...

Wow, this is a remarkably strong field of douchebags. The hotts, not so much.

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Although Orangudan is the strongest ‘bag in the group, I’m going with Voguegina . . . he brings out in me an impressive level of “desire-to-punch-in-face”, my infallible metric. And there is an echo of — superiority to? — last year’s winner Gynochin, and not just in his douche-handle. Voguegina FTW!

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