Monday, May 7, 2012

Somewhere in Las Vegas on a Monday…

Kevin forlornly orders a Mai Tai and sighs.

Ashley dances without joy, a vague and disquieting sense of unease about the future pushed into the back of her mind through a hazy mix of alcohol, cigarettes, and regret about last night. She makes a mental note to check with her gyno when getting back home to Phoenix on Wednesday.

A listless D.J. sits on a milk crate and plays Fun’s “We Are Young” for the fifteenth time that afternoon on tinny speakers.

Manuel cleans up the used towels by the jacuzzi and thinks about moving to San Diego to live with his brother.

It’s 2:34pm.

# posted by douchebag1
12:12 pm May, 7 Capt. James T. Douche said...

This is total heinousness, I need remove my eyeballs from their sockets and place them in a peroxide bath overnight. Guy in the background has orangutan tits, orange bikini needs to cool it at the buffet.

12:27 pm May, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Chubby girl blows for free Marlboro’s and Corona Lite. I’m down with that. She’d probably dance her butthole all over a random unit for a doobie. If that’s the “We Are Young” song that I hear randomly on commercials or the kids are listening to it. I hate it. It causes me to leave the premises and blow some smoke or crank.

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Faces Of Meth

12:28 pm May, 7 Et Tu Douche? said...

Orange bikini is the type of chick who will do all sorts of naughty things with you back in your hotel room. Seeing that it’s Vegas her mind set is “I’ll never see this guy again so why not” while your mind set is “Hopefully nobody saw her with me and better still entering my room”

12:30 pm May, 7 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Rev

Vaporizers and sheesh are a great combo. You’ve inspired me to come out of retirement and get my puff back on.

12:39 pm May, 7 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Bleeths can swallow a quart of jizz before they become sick, medical fact.

12:39 pm May, 7 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I place the over/under for C-section scars at 2.5.

.

Guy directly in the middle on the couch has Hall of Fame Man Tits. Man Tits, I says.

12:41 pm May, 7 DoucheyWallnuts said...

For anyone interested in learning more about Radiant Sundays in Vegas.

.

http://www.examiner.com/article/radiant-sundays-begin-at-the-artisan

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Losers

12:44 pm May, 7 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Whoever displaces the largest volume of water owes monkey tits in the background a rusty trombone.

12:51 pm May, 7 tall guy said...

Check the tree trunk thighs on fatty boom-bah. Trust me that sea cow is just going to keep expanding outwards.

12:54 pm May, 7 DoucheyWallnuts said...

One more. File this under, “Buyer Beware.”

.

http://artisanhotel.com/poolcabana/

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Rubes

12:58 pm May, 7 creature said...

…& a gilded sow sashays across the pool deck on her hindquarters

1:02 pm May, 7 Douchble Helix said...

Great job, DW.

.

Doesn’t every pool have hotties lounging around by themselves?

1:10 pm May, 7 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Chubby girl can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. It’s just kinda sad that douche in the back has bigger tits that she does.

.

Also: the other three chicks in the picture think their chubby friend is lonely and never gets laid. What they don’t know is that each of the douchebros has received a porn-star experience from her at least one, if not several times.

1:15 pm May, 7 The Dutch said...

Woo.

1:16 pm May, 7 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Scottsdale is an emerging haven for bags and Bleeths alike. Anyone wanna go to this travesty for shits n gigs have at it. http://www.electrostub.com/event.cfm?id=90077

1:19 pm May, 7 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Somewhere in Las Vegas on a Monday a group of unattractive, overfed people from a small hick town in Iowa piss away a months worth of paychecks on an overpriced poolside cabana and $18 drinks.

1:53 pm May, 7 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

For once I’m in agreement with a douchebag. If I was in Kevin’s shoes I too would be flailing my arms in a vain attempt to shoo away the skanky Madge-pies, as they preen and dance in a desperate attempt to get me to toss them jollo shots and and free tanning certificates.

1:57 pm May, 7 Vin Douchal said...

This party needs Dick Shawn to liven it up

2:01 pm May, 7 Vin Douchal said...

Captn James T Douche destroying this thread. First post FTW. Orangutan tits ……

2:07 pm May, 7 Douchble Helix said...

Great movie, Vin. Great scene. Then his mama calls, right?

.

Orange chubby bikini looks like she’s been in previous group pics on these pages… But I’m not gonna look it up. Not for a fat chick.

2:18 pm May, 7 Vin Douchal said...

HEY CHUCKLEHEADS:

.

If you have an Amazon.com account they have the new Van Halen cd download for $5 right now.

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Stay Frosty HERE

.

.

2:20 pm May, 7 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Somewhere in Las Vegas on a Monday a prime rib has been picked clean.

2:55 pm May, 7 Vin Douchal said...

Somewhere in Las Vegas a buffet is closed for restocking

2:56 pm May, 7 Vin Douchal said...

Somewhere in Las Vegas a manbra salesman’s day is about to be made

3:26 pm May, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Somewhere in Las Vegas I have a boner for Vin’s shot of Jennifer Love-Hewitt and her shapely body. And my neighbors are totally whacked out on the Chocalope.

My other neighbors are drunks.

4:11 pm May, 7 Nancy Dreuche said...

Did someone say ham?

5:09 pm May, 7 Guid is Good said...

I wasn’t there for the fall of the Roman Empire but I think this gives you a pretty good idea. Just add togas.

5:46 pm May, 7 troy tempest said...

this song sums it up:

CIVILISATION IS BURNING DOWN BURNING DOWN!!!!

5:46 pm May, 7 Amerigo Vesdouchey once said...

Fat chicks with drunk guys. Okay, the lime green ‘beater makes them all douchey.

5:47 pm May, 7 Doucheywallnuts said...

How many pounds of ham ago was that JLH picture taken?

5:51 pm May, 7 Douchble Helix said...

Oh, wait a minute. I might have brought the fat one home, not seen her on this site.

.

My bad.

6:08 pm May, 7 Anonymous said...

HAHA. Moobs Magoo in the back middle

6:15 pm May, 7 Baron Von Goolo said...

Oh.

.

Oh, honey.

Oh, honey, no. No no no.

Honey, oh sweet baby rhesus peesus, bikinis are a privilege, little lost lamb.

Oh no no no.

There shouldn’t be enough tequila in the whole state to dampen that much dignity. The social contract pretty much mandates a one-piece for you, pumpkin britches. Go get one and hold your chin high.

.

Chins. Whatever.

.

oooooooooooh dear…

6:21 pm May, 7 Baron Von Goolo said...

Heezawunn they call

DOCTOR BITCH-TEATS!

Heezawunn that makeya feel

SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE!

Heezawunn they call

DOCTOR BITCH-TEATS!

Heezawunn with pibbles that are

SYMMETRICALLY OPPOSED!

.

With my apologies to Motley Crue.

.

On second thought, fuck that. Like they ever apologized to us.

6:22 pm May, 7 Baron Von Goolo said...

and Vin?

.

Thank you.

6:49 pm May, 7 Nancy Dreuche said...

BVG 6:15p & 6:21p, FTW. Now THAT is how you make a fat joke.

.

.

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Pibble Hard Ons

7:03 pm May, 7 Sofa King said...

That orange bikini ride is built for comfort, not for speed. Chubbettes everywhere, I salute you.

7:27 pm May, 7 Stephanie said...

Here’s to hoping there’s crabs nesting in the furniture.

7:31 pm May, 7 Baron Von Goolo said...

PIBBLES!!!

7:46 pm May, 7 Baron Von Goolo said...

@ Sofa King & Nancy Dreuche –

.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not for one moment knocking the awe and glamour of the full-figured gal. On more than one occasion, I’ve gleamed the cube on a tsunami of cellulite onto the bucking shores of HappyLand. Orange bikini girl barely spikes the chubbometer. She isn’t even as big as some of my former lovers’ stools after a post-coital trip to Denny’s.

.

I digress, but only a bit. The common denominator among my cyclopean former bunkmates is that what those ladies lacked in waist to hip ratio they made up for in style. Self-awareness and a keen fashion sense go hand in glove. So if you know that you squeeze your toothpaste out of a Twinkie, you should also know that a fashionable boobie-hefting one piece and a sarong are your best friends as you make everyone’s daquiris quiver on your way to poolside.

.

It’s just common courtesy, really.

8:00 pm May, 7 DoucheWeasel said...

one of these girls should be barred from wearing a bikini….

9:27 pm May, 7 Sofa King said...

@BVG

Even among chubbettes, hip to waist ratio is essential. R. Crumb had an eye for beauty; thick but curvy.

9:32 pm May, 7 Amerigo Vesdouchey once said...

All right, they’re not fat, but they may get big-boned, if I get to the pool in time.

11:30 pm May, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Holy shit! That chick in the back is totally topless, her tits are hanging it out and everything!

12:33 am May, 8 Jacques Doucheteau said...

I know what you mean BVG. The first chubby I’d ever chased and taken down for the kill was a delicious, fatty feast my at-the-time-starving cawk will never forget. It was also the first shaven cooch I had ever nibbled and prodded. She was totally into the whole BDSM role playing thing, begging to be punished and told she’s a bad little girl and make believe she’s getting molested by a close family member. It’s a strange experience to feel like your recklessly plundering the snatch of your 300 lb eight year-old niece. She had Bell’s palsy too, so she was screaming “no uncle J.D., stop touching my va-jay-jay bits!” out the left side of her face, and that made things really weird. Plus we were fucking on her brothers bed, who actually WAS about eight years old, so that didn’t help me out much. Leonardo and Donatello were starting at me disappointingly the whole time. Needless to say I went flaccid several times while I was still balls deep in her hairless labial folds, and had to keep pulling out to manually work some blood back into the poor chap.

.

She had some frikin’ huuuuuuuge titays too, and liked having them slapped around real hard like…grabbed, wrenched, and bitten. The harder the more she liked it and begged for more. I dropped my baby napalm on those massive mounds of mastoidal tissue once, and regretted the decision. It’s not like a only squeeze out a few drops of seminal fluid when I cum, and neither am I a quart-jar-filling porn start, but I know how to push the envelope by taking extra vitamin E oil and drinking lots of water. But when I shot, what I thought was, a healthy load of sticky pussy machine grease all over those mammary mastodons of hers, I got minimal coverage and naught a single dribble down into her canyonesque cleavage. Like parched desert clay on a dew laden morning, her stretch mark racked skin and IHOP pancaked sized aureoles soaked up and held my insignificant looking gobs as if they were a meager dribble.

12:40 am May, 8 Baron Von Goolo said...

Funny. I had only heard the word “mastoidal” used in the context of ears before. That changes the visuals of your story quite a bit.

1:28 am May, 8 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Whoops. I was watching Buck Rogers when I wrote that and was entranced by Erin Grey’s jaw. What the fuck is up with this show? Maybe it’s just that Jack Palance is acting the fuck out of this role, but this shit is crazy.

1:31 am May, 8 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Wait…did I really say “load of sticky pussy machine grease”? I sicken myself sometimes.

.

I really don’t want to deal with Gil Gerard’s hairy chest any more.

8:40 pm May, 8 Little Willie said...

Orange bikini fatty really should go on one of those weightwatcher meal plans for a few months and skip the all you can eat buffets. Her and man boobs placed strategically in the background right behind her made me throwup in my mouth.

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