Friday, July 6, 2012

Mr. Biggs Stalks the Stokke

HCwDB Hall of Mock genius and supreme ‘bag tagger, Mr. Biggs, goes on a mission to stalk the holy Pear that is Stokke, and came back proudly with the following report:

——————–

DB1,

Allison Stokke showed up right behind me at the track trials, and agreed to have her photo taken with me. Verily the God of Abraham has smiled upon our audacity. Either that, or I am that savant type of stalker who just knows instinctively where his target plans on showing up.

– Mr. Biggs

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Truly supreme work, Mr. Biggs. And may all hail the Hottest Pole Vaulter since Claire Witzerbottom took the prize at the 1854 World’s Fair.

# posted by douchebag1
9:30 am July, 6 Et Tu Douche? said...

Well done Mr. Biggs, well done!!!!

9:39 am July, 6 Duck Duck Douche said...

Stalking a pole vaulter. * snicker *

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Nicely done, indeed.

9:39 am July, 6 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Mr. Biggs is making much better stalking choices than Purple Penguine. He also has very poor coordination when matching footwear. What the fuck is that thing on your foot man? Yeti props? And did you touch her Mons Pubis in a gentle, breezy, fatherly way.?

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All hail the Sephardi in London, Son. Time for heavy drinking.

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9:40 am July, 6 SonnyChibaChoad said...

Well-played Sir! The poncho hides the Glock you have pressed to her ribs nicely.

mmm…love me some Stokke-pear

9:41 am July, 6 Nancy Dreuche said...

All well and good Mr. Biggs but it doesn’t count until you’ve stuck your pole in her vault. But hey that’s a great pic and at least you didn’t have to pay her to pose with you.

9:45 am July, 6 Nancy Dreuche said...

@RevChad, the thing on his foot was part of his wounded bird routine to get her to feel sorry for him so she would take a picture with him. Is your game that rusty that you don’t recognize that shit?

9:52 am July, 6 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Maybe it’s Stokke reverse stalking Mr. Biggs? Looks like she’s already given him a savage kick to the shin.

9:53 am July, 6 Wheezer said...

Trust me, he can’t hide his “Glockk” from Ms. Stokke. Why do you think she’s smiling?

9:54 am July, 6 Sir Vance of Douchemock said...

Leave the poor man alone. He doesn’t have any arms.

9:56 am July, 6 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Sir Humphrey Largeman, of the Lincolnshire Largemans, at 3 o’clock.

9:58 am July, 6 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Sir Vance, sure he has arms. The bobbies have just cuffed them behind his back for Miss Stokke’s safety.

10:02 am July, 6 Nancy Dreuche said...

Are ponchos autodouche? It doesn’t look like its raining so it just may be for show. And doth mine eyes deceive me or is Mr. Biggs sporting a fauxhawk? Tsk tsk. It hurts most when its one of our own, doesn’t it?

10:15 am July, 6 FredN. said...

Does Biggs have a flipper-arm-thingy that’s trying to grabass?? Grabass plus fauxhawk is autodouche.

hahahah

10:16 am July, 6 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I was expecting someone…taller.

10:36 am July, 6 Nancy Dreuche said...

@I R A Darth Aggie, I was expecting someone less douchey. I mean you would think if you actually followed the site you would know what you were in for if you sent in a pic of you and the girl you’re stalking (if you put this on your Facebook Biggs you’re no different from the club douches from todays Haiku.) and you’re sporting a fauxhawk and an attention getting poncho. Maybe Biggs just looks at the pics and never reads the comments. Sorry Biggs, you had some credibility until now.

10:37 am July, 6 Mr. Biggs said...

Aw shucks guys. Thanks for the words.

That boot on my leg – I broke my leg a few weeks ago and almost didn’t go because of it. And yes, we can thank that boot for this pic. Because of it, they let me sit up front in the handicapped chair when I would have otherwise had to sit in the rafters. That’s when Allison showed up right behind me. And apparently it even got me on the local news – as just how much people are willing to go through to see the trials.

Poncho – it had just dumped on us too. I have no idea how to deal with rain, so that poncho was staying on.

Fauxhawk – blame it on the poncho head.

I really hope I see her again. That was too awesome. I was honestly too struck to do anything but get that picture.

10:41 am July, 6 Douchble Helix said...

I guess he gets a “notta” for being a ‘hunter, but still, what’s the name of this website?

10:42 am July, 6 DarkSock said...

Nancy’s bi-jealous of Biggs…

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Piled hair from poor hygiene does not a fauxhawk make. And poor hygiene is a cornerstone of this site.

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I would pay $20 to see that woman poop. Ms. Stokke, I mean.

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Hell, Nancy too.

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Son.

10:53 am July, 6 Nancy Dreuche said...

@DS, I do not care to track her field. I was just doing what I’ve been trained to do. Mock the ‘bags and take no prisoners. Hoorah and Wimper Thigh and all that.

11:15 am July, 6 Mr. Biggs said...

May I add it rained on us every. single. fucking. day?

11:16 am July, 6 Duck Duck Douche said...

@DS…all you need now is a cup.

11:20 am July, 6 Mr. Biggs said...

Oh, douchebags are douchebags because they spend time in the bathroom mimicking styles my hair takes naturally because I’m so awesome. ;^)

11:33 am July, 6 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I was curious about the internet phenom, so I was surprised to find this… Stokke isn’t a medal hopeful. She’s never been in the top 10 for the US, and her personal best is more than 2 feet (!) under the top US pole vaulter, Jenn Suhr. She’s just a fine athlete who happens to take really good pictures. Not unlike McCrude, with the exceptions that I’m a poor excuse for an athlete and there are no known pictures of me.

11:36 am July, 6 Mr. Biggs said...

Yeah. Unfortunately she didn’t even clear starting height in the trials. But neither did half the field either. Besides, she’s only 24.

Not that that makes a difference. You have to be one hell of an athlete just to make it in. Plus she’s really known as an internet phenom.

Oh, and did I mention we’re both Sephardi? And that she went to Cal and I went to UCLA (note the sweatshirt under the poncho)? There’s serious matchmaking material here. Seriously, DB1, we must take advantage of this good fortune and plan Phase II.

11:58 am July, 6 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

What is Sephardi? Anything like Sapphic? Cuz that would be cool.

12:08 pm July, 6 Mr. Biggs said...

Sephardis are Jews from the Middle East or North Africa. Basically Jews without the tophats or pigtails.

12:25 pm July, 6 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I dunno. That look on her face says “Where’s the fuccen security around here? Well if all else fail, at least I can outrun him!”

12:37 pm July, 6 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Mr. Biggs, before you go any further make sure she’s not like a cousin or anything. Unless you’re into love Canadian-style.

12:42 pm July, 6 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Mr. Biggs

.

Did you sport an erection under your rain poncho?

1:06 pm July, 6 Mr. Biggs said...

Honestly I think I had a brain-boner. Like I didn’t even think to take off my poncho for this. Then again, maybe she wouldn’t have posed for that. Them Cal people have mixed feelings about UCLA.

8:03 pm July, 6 Stephanie said...

He’s already,literally a tea bag in the rain,and the bag he wears. His hair makes him look like a pinhead,incidentally.

9:41 pm July, 6 Douchble Helix said...

Hey, Biggs! Lemme know when you get a pic with Champagne Katie.

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“THEY CALL ME *MISTER* BIGGS!!” – Sidney Port-a-potty

10:00 am July, 7 DoucheyWallnuts said...

There is nothing douchey whatsoever about Mr Biggs’ appearance. It is a real stretch to even suggest a poncho is auto. Actually, I think a poncho is anti-auto unless we are talking about Ponch from CHIPs.

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Stokke is a beneficiary of what I call the Female Athlete Deception or FAD, where an otherwise attractive but unremarkable looking woman is seen as a Hott, strictly because most female athletes look like Don Mossi with tits. Female sports commentators also are affected by FAD, see one Erin Andrews.

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http://www.ootpdevelopments.com/board/ootp-mods-rosters-photos-quick-starts/155954-gambo-t_wil1-photo-447.html

4:47 pm July, 7 Douchble Helix said...

This is a test: Hey, Doucheywallnuts, how comes there’s no pictures of Joe Torre?

3:09 pm July, 8 DoucheyWallnuts said...

DH, that’s an incredible question when you realize that I originally went with Joe Torre with tits (which I think was first used in the book “Ball Four”) but went with a more obscure, but also more hideous example.

9:11 am July, 9 Mr. Biggs said...

Um, DW you may wanna take a second look at her action shots. I swear the heavens inspired us with Spandex with her in mind.

1:01 am July, 10 Baron Von Goolo said...

I am laughing at your poncho. Just thought you’d like to know.

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