Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Reader Mail: Douchey Wallnuts Reports From The Front

The Legend that is D.W. files this report from the Front:

————

DB1,

I have returned from a two-week sojourn to the Cradle of Douchilization, The Douche Motherland, the crossing of the Doucheris and the Bleethphrates rivers known as Douchopotamia; The Jersey Shore – Seaside Park.

There is but only one assessment that can be made. Society. Is. Losing. And at a rapid pace. The Rapid Decay Theory that is used to explain the decay of the planets’ magnetic fields can be applied to our society. What we get – have – is a situation where Societal Loss is occurring at an exponential rate and the end will not be pretty.

The classic douche of the past has been replaced by the freak douche – tattoos, multi-colored Mohawks, those big pierced ears things, a lack of hygiene.

The douche from the old days would be a welcomed site at this point in our devolution. He would represent a quantum leap forward from the new status quo. The few old bags that remain are not enough to stem the tide. We have lost.

Paradoxically, bleeths are in abundance. Certainly, there are freak bleeths, but they are still the distinct minority, and what we see are freak douches paired up with classic bleeths. As Mr. Spock might say, “Fascinating.”

Thank goodness for the trashy bleeths. Track suits. Poofed hair. Over-make-up. Mini-shorts. Tight skirts. Check, check, check, check, and check. But what are we to make of the divergent paths of doucheal evolution taken by the sexes? I don’t know, and I don’t care. As long as there are taut suckle thigh pooch bellys wearing skin tight, mini-clothing and super high heels I will be happy.

And by happy I mean I will have a boner. A boner, I says.

——————–

# posted by douchebag1
9:42 am July, 24 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Might as well hand Doucheywallnuts the comment of the year right now. If Doucheywallnuts had been at the gates of Rome in 476, he could not have reported any more cogently on the end of civilization.

9:50 am July, 24 jonezy said...

oh- look at the time. It’s yellow- gotta get to the gym before it’s green.

10:15 am July, 24 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Nuke it from orbit. Only way to be sure.

10:43 am July, 24 FredN. said...

Holy shit are those tats for realz?

10:52 am July, 24 The Dude said...

Yikes, and I had a Jersey Shore vaykay all planned.

10:54 am July, 24 Vin Douchal said...

Fuggen Joisey gonna be fuggen Joisey.

.

At least for the most part thoses yutzes are staying home. You’ll run into a lot of folks from New York just about anywhere, but thankfully displaced Jerseyites are not as abundant

.

.

.<br.

Half a fags

11:05 am July, 24 Et Tu Douche? said...

“The douche from the old days would be a welcomed site at this point in our devolution. He would represent a quantum leap forward from the new status quo.”

.

I kinda have to agree the Bobby Batz’s, Donkey Douche’s, Joey Porsche’s etc; those were the innovators. The bags today they’re just pretenders.

.

Here’s hoping your 2 week sojourn awakened some memories of times gone by cause I could go for story right about now.

11:18 am July, 24 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Big Bird sure has hit the skids since getting hooked on bath salts.

11:28 am July, 24 DarkSock said...

^that was beautiful, Dude McC…

.

Son

11:30 am July, 24 DarkSock said...

I told Nancy Dreuche she was wrong. The battle is waning, only because we’re losing the war.
.
I wonder if her carpet matches her drapes? And by “carpet” I mean “genital sores”.
.
Son.

12:28 pm July, 24 Anonymous said...

That is one ugly, freaking chick.

1:20 pm July, 24 Stephanie said...

Glue on glow in the dark ceiling stars do not make a tattoo,son.

1:22 pm July, 24 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Loosing the war… we are huddled up in Masada eating gravel while a legion of douche troops and mounted bleeth cavalry march in. Mounted bleeths, I say.

.

Private Drueche pulled a real Gomer Pyle move, high-fiving one and all while the shell shocked troops were quietly weepsterbating and pondering the pros and cons of ritual suicide versus crucifixion.

1:57 pm July, 24 Dickie Fingers said...

DW,

Laying low in Seaside Hts for 2 weeks? That rat on the mailbox really got your attention.

2:02 pm July, 24 Dickie Fingers said...

Private Dreuche hung up the mock?

2:38 pm July, 24 DarkSock said...

Dickie Fingers…you’re really Nancy, aren’t you?

.

It’s Doc all over again…

3:05 pm July, 24 Wheezer said...

“Doc Dreuche”?

3:44 pm July, 24 Mr. Biggs said...

My early 20’s just self-immolated.

4:49 pm July, 24 Dickie Fingers said...

I’m not Drueche. I posted under Douche of Hazzard for a while and then realized there was a Douche of Hazard and then I posted under Pooch Spackle for a while and the Dreuche took that identity. I took Dickie Fingers after playing “cards against humanity” with my kids.

She was pretty damn funny amd i’ll miss her.

6:20 pm July, 24 ehcuodouche said...

She has “peace” (an) tattooed above her right knee. She must have posted on 4chan: “69 chooses where I put my next tattoo”.

6:24 pm July, 24 ehcuodouche said...

Incidentally, the Chinese character is the radical for woman underneath the radical for house. The implication being that having a woman in your house leads to peace. The further implication being that she has the most ironic tattoo ever, because if she was ever under my roof for any other reason than breaking and entering I’d throw her headfirst out the back door.

6:54 pm July, 24 Olddog1 said...

And further more, if you have two women under one roof, it’s trouble. A pig under the roof means prosperity.

Wise people, the Chinese.

8:20 pm July, 24 The Dude said...

Two rimmins under one woof? eek

8:22 pm July, 24 Mr. Biggs said...

I’m sensing a “punk is dead” theme this month.

5:24 am July, 25 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

He has the radical for an extremely warped telecaster on his shoulder.

11:36 am July, 25 Anonymous said...

It’s Doucherado!

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