Saturday, August 11, 2012

Comment of the Week: Dude McCrudeshoes

Dude McC doesn’t quite get the math right, but does an excellent deconstruction of the sexual proclivities of the Olympic village, and wins the coveted HCwDB Comment of the Week.

Alls I know is would lightly rat-a-tat “Hava Nagila” on Semitic hottie Aly Raisman’s glutes with two elongated licorice sticks and a battery powered metronome. And no, that is not a euphemism for the peen.

———–

Olympic Math:

There are about 10,000 athletes living in the Olympic Village. 10,000 of the world’s fittest bodies; young people at the high point of their lives; and slightly carnival atmosphere are going to lead to a little bit of sex. But how much?

The London organizers like to be prepared (in every sense of the word), and expect to hand out 150,000 free condoms. Is this ridiculous number? Apparently not. Sidney organizers went through 70,000 in just the first week, while Vancouver organizers said their 100,000 did not last the whole fortnight.

So 150,000 seems a reasonable number. If you ever thought you had the makings of a world class athlete, but neglected your training, here is what you missed out on: 150,000 condoms for 10,000 Olympians works out to 150 per athlete. But wait… presumably athletes are not using them for ‘singles sports’. No, this is usually a doubles, or even triples, event. Just sticking with couples (no reason to get all kinky), this means every athlete is expected to get busy 300 times over the 2 week period. That’s over 21 times each day; or roughly once an hour if they restrict themselves to just 3 hours of sleep.

Consider for the most part that people have just met, and you have to condense small talk, flirting, petting, foreplay, and monkey sex into each one hour block. Each athlete is engaging in a CONSTANT, ahem, marathon, of sexual escapades. Kinda makes you want to pick up a ping pong paddle on your way home, doesn’t it?

———-

# posted by douchebag1
12:25 pm August, 11 The Dude said...

Thanks for the tubies holding boobies. Bluebies. Mow

1:16 pm August, 11 The Dude's Mom said...

Now that Ryan Lochte is a handsome lad. I bet he’s not hurting for female attention. If only my boy took up swimming he might be stroking some breasts right now instead of just stroking it. I mean a woman needs grandchildren. Discarded tubesocks don’t make you handmade cards for your birthday.

1:33 pm August, 11 Vincinzio said...

Woah, looks like some troll is pretending to be The Dude’s Mom. Unless this is his real Mom. Then I would like to say the pleasure is all mine Mrs. The Dude. Also, do you have a little Italian in you? Would you like some?

2:00 pm August, 11 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Dude in picture wears appropriate hat. Dude McCrude taunts me with the remembrance of when I was capable of 23 full erections per day. The Dude’s Mom needs to sit anally on a pike Vlad The Impaler style.

3:14 pm August, 11 Rev Chad Watching Porn said...

http://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=609563349

3:30 pm August, 11 Sir Huddleston Fuddleston said...

So as we all know by now, 150K condoms divided among 10K athletes is 15 each. Still, that means each athlete is bangin it every goddamn night and twice on Sundays. Or, if they’re like me, 15 times within the first sexual encounter. (Don’t touch it!!!!! Too late.)

4:34 pm August, 11 creature said...

back in more youthful creature times, I specialized in the speedhumping classification…it was a gooeyful, err, make that glorious era…I’ve sinced moved on the screw marathon competitions…hydration is the only issue

7:29 pm August, 11 The Dude said...

The Dude is proud to have a Hot Mom!

8:09 pm August, 11 The Dude said...

The Dude’s Hot Mom forgets that The Dude is an excellent volleyball player, who for many years has had hotts chase after him like swarms of cats in heat.

.

Thassok, I’m still proud of my Hot Mom!

9:03 pm August, 11 The Dude said...

Rev Chad, that is a great vid of my hot mom! Dang!

2:21 am August, 12 Douchble Helix said...

Math is a science, and science is just a theory.

.

150 is just as right as 15.

.

True Believers.

3:59 am August, 12 The Dude said...

DH, that statement is simultaneously correct and incorrigible.

.

“Alex, I’ll take 15 for $600!”

7:56 am August, 12 Douchble Helix said...

I’ll be goddam-ed!

.

They used a crane shot at the end of The Rev’s porno!

.

Johnny LaRue is spinning in his grave.

.

Prickleys.

8:12 am August, 12 Douchble Helix said...

And, yes, those are great titties in that blue tube top.

.

Based on something Kurt Vonnegut wrote, and her pic, I believe this woman is on this planet to make other people happy via sex acts performed together.

.

Pilgrims and Hooblers. And Trouts.

11:03 am August, 12 Douchble Helix said...

That’s not a tube top. Damn.

11:08 am August, 12 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Thanks for the nod DB1. I maintain that my math is correct. Conservative even. For example, it wouldn’t include blowjobs, handjobs, sapphic scissor action, bareback sex, or trampling fetishes. C’mon, I know I’m not the only one who imagines the petite feet of those Italian rhythmic gymnasts stomping on my swollen scrotum? Right?

.

Anyway, let’s not forget the true spirit of the games: barely legal hotties with lean bodies so toned through rigorous exercise that they won’t have their first period until they are in their 30’s.

.

Some of my favs:

http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.1123434.1343743595!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/gallery_635/darya-klishina.jpg

.

http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.1123426.1343743593!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/gallery_635/lolo-jones.jpg

.

http://muzemagazine.com/wp-content/plugins/dopwgg/uploads/MApXpA7EKfHDAan3nHxjfWkgjXLRzNDtW5xGXEbTF2ZQOmRaOCZPaxeNxEYc9yaTb.jpg

.

http://www.obsessedwithsports.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/Ana-Ivanovic-7.jpg

.

Yeah, Lolo, Darya and Leryn all look like they are packing a surprise, but I’ll risk it.

8:03 pm August, 12 The Dude said...

It’s a tube top with straps, because dang, those babies will break loose in a matter of seconds without some additional support.

8:12 pm August, 12 Douchble Helix said...

Respectfully, there’s no “tube”.

8:29 pm August, 12 Mr. Biggs said...

Ok let’s make one more correction for the math here. Yes, it’s 15 per person but the women don’t wear them. So for every condom, two people are reaching coitus. Assuming there is no reusing. So it works out to 30 fucks per person – on average everybody is fucking twice a day every day. And I know at least LoLo is celibate.

8:31 pm August, 12 Mr. Biggs said...

But Bolt was banging the swedish volleyball squad. So I imagine half that stash went to him alone.

11:37 pm August, 12 Douchble Helix said...

Mr. Biggs, as an aficionado of internet porn, and in the spirit of Olympics Future – especially the Brazilian gals on the beach getting boned up the ass – it appears to me that your corrected calculation is valid only in the case of all sexual acts involving no more than two people.

.

This “two participant only” premise has not been documented.

2:23 am August, 13 Said said...

Helix, I want to call it a “tube top”, even if it doesn’t qualify, because the concept of a “tube top” is something I hold quite dear from my childhood. So, the rest of the world can call it something else, but I am calling it a tube top!

.

And Biggs, if Bolt even nailed half the Swedish volleyball squad, he deserves a gold medal, haha!

2:24 am August, 13 The Dude said...

Fuck! Looks like I failed my daily idiot test again

4:11 am August, 13 Douchble Helix said...

Dude, I’ll abide.

8:40 am August, 13 alexandreedumbass said...

It’s… it’s… it’s the pig hat… I just cannot look away…

2:43 pm August, 13 Stephanie said...

They say,if an athlete has sex they don’t perform that well in their athletic events,on the field,that is.

Usain Bolt is turning douchbag overnight.

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