Thursday, August 30, 2012

Douchey and Gabana

Get it?! It’s like Dolce and Gabana but I switched the word “Dolce” to “Douchey!”

Yeah. Got nuthin’.

Watched the atrocity that was a political convention last night and was so disgusted by this country I went for a walk and beat up a pack of wild dressage horses roaming in the Hollywood Hills. Their pained whines and whinnies reminded me of the resiliency of America. So I got that going for me.

But yeah. I’m in a pretty foul mood this morning. The arrogant celebration of wilfull ignorance is a toxic strain of Americana that has always been present in this country’s DNA since the first dysfunctional Puritans used fictions and religious ghost stories to control and deny their anxieties about female libido. It is the Freudian death drive writ political. An intense dissonance born of sexual frustration and cartoonish cowboy dreams that follows a three hundred year path from witch trials to slavery to debates about “welfare”. The wealthy elites scaring the rubes to control them like so many flickering phantasms dancing in Plato’s cave. There will always be a fetishizing of the rich and a need for aristocracy. The need to return to childhood and rekindle an imagined safety that never actually existed, with apple pies on Mayberry Street, and no gays or Mexicans. When reality is scary, it’s 1950s America, Roland Reagan starring as Ronald Reagan as the Marlboro Man starring in the Great White Rewrite of Multicultural Reality. Fear becomes fictions. Stories of hero/villain comic book simplicity. Minorities become a threat. It is the selling of illusion as conceptual snake oil. How to manufacture hatred and fear by the yard? Paint the picture of unseen threat, lurking in the shadows. They are political douchebags proclaiming family values before heading to the strip clubs. And shame on the rubes for being duped.

EDIT: Bonus Pear for listening.

# posted by douchebag1
6:38 am August, 30 Colossus of Choads said...

Good post DB.

The Republican freak show continues.

6:40 am August, 30 saulgoode42 said...

Well said! I would rather watch awkward, first-time, drug-fuled amateur midget porn than tune into a political convention at this point.

My one word of warning: beware of theater designed to drive you right back into the circle-jerk of false Red-Blue dichotomy. The Repubes play to a base, as do the Demonhats. With a few very notable exceptions, they are all apparently Satan’s butt buddies at this point. They all support war for profit abroad and theivery for profit at home.

Blargh! Where my hotties at?

6:57 am August, 30 Justin Timberbag said...

Well said.

7:03 am August, 30 DoucheyWallnuts said...

And down the drain we go….

7:21 am August, 30 jonezy said...

Analingus costs extra

7:29 am August, 30 saulgoode42 said...

*Fueled

7:30 am August, 30 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Is this about me?

.

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/769891?src=nldne

7:34 am August, 30 Et Tu Douche? said...

Mmmmm……. Bonus Pear, happy landing indeed.

7:39 am August, 30 Troy Tempest said...

I’m wondering if it’s 12,000 years of inflammation caused by gluten reactivity resulting in the reproduction and intensification of a very mild autism we call “civilisation”. Recent environmental factors are amplifying this, and the result is a sociopathic society run by psychopathic corporations.

7:39 am August, 30 DarkSock said...

The wealthy plantation owners got the dirt-poor and shit-dumb share-croppers to wage their war for them and protect their wealth by telling them the enemy was going to take away their culture and pride and burn them down.

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That is in no way similar to today, where vulture capitalists and entitled 1-percenters scare NASCAR rubes into actually voting against their own interests simply by whispering that them faggit muslim socialists is gonna marry and take yer guns.

.

.

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Oh, wait. That’s exactly similar to what’s going on today.

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Carry on. Wayward Sons.

7:40 am August, 30 DarkSock said...

nothing better than inspecting trashed roofs with a blazing hangover.

.

First Responders.

7:47 am August, 30 Tits McGee said...

Glad to know you’ve got your political head on straight DB1. It’s no longer Democrat vs. Republican it’s now democracy vs. aristocracy.

Carry on!

7:56 am August, 30 jonezy said...

Analingus prices are going up these days: http://www.theonion.com/video/tampa-bay-gay-prostitutes-gearing-up-for-flood-of,29263/

8:00 am August, 30 jonezy said...

Is this pretty much it, DS?

8:18 am August, 30 Jacques Doucheteau said...

At first I thought that said “autistic pear”.

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I’d be down with that.

8:19 am August, 30 Jacques Doucheteau said...

I’d also be Down syndrome with that, too.

8:49 am August, 30 The Dude said...

Polidicks

8:52 am August, 30 Vin Douchal said...

OPEN LETTER TO DB1

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I’m with ya Db1, but remember to rail the Dem’s when their dog-and-pony show hits the airwaves for round two of a discussion between one side.

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Protecting interests of college administrators making more annually than the leader of the free world and the heads of the teachers and public service employees unions have more credibilty and worst yet the EAR of the Governor instead of the actual people I voted into office , the mid-level state, local and federal employees that carry redundant jobs and titles to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars per year well into their guaranteed retirement at 55 years old and the intrusion into everything from what I eat , injest, smoke, drink , drive, watch, wear think and the never ending waste of my tax dollars on rallies and conventions. Yet these same folks can’t find the money to keep good teachers in our schools and fix our roads?

.

And don’t get me started on left turn arrows… with gas at $4.09 a gal. why do I have to sit at a turn signal with no cars coming towards me? My city hates the left turn so mich they’re going broke putting medians down every street so the pointy headed, job appointed engineers can have control of me in their snickering way knowing that their decisions are hassling/annoying/controlling the hapless, toothless public.

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The stock market is useless in the everyday economy … what does the share price of Home Depot have to do with me feeding my family and paying my mortgage? The ability to make alternative fuel exists but the mega-billion dollar oil industry squashes it at every turn, the jails are full of pot smokers when California could probably eliminate their state sales tax if legalized and regulated , Mothers Against Drunk Drivers are pushing to lower the legal alcohol limit to .05% here(hence more money for lawyers so you know they’re in on it, too) and lastly people that have ignored our laws and come to this country illegally are offered a perfect solution for their children- 2 year military service or a college degree to get citizenship and both Dems and Reps shoot it down . The Dream Act is the best thing offered to America since The New Deal but the hand ringers are wearing their fingers raw .

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Lawyers and lawsuits make everyday life untenable with the fear of litigation by a profession with the clout (dollars) to tip the scales of justice in their favor at every turn. Try to fight the corporations, good luck

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If Ike Eisenhower didn’t pay attention to the enemy and had never seen up close the effect of educating children to better the country (albiet he used the Hitler youth as his example of starting ’em young) we may still have one room school houses and no public school system at all. A society of rubes with no skills in a country losing it’s manual labor base to foreign , unregulated countries while the only skill needed anymore is how to turn money into more money in legal Ponzi schemes and shrinking labor bases to the benefit of shareholders.

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Take your sides, choose your issues but know that both Republicans and Democrats are the problem. The extremes of both parties are ruining this country while those of us that cross over back and forth to what we like about each party have no voice in the middle.

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Maybe like my beloved Red Sox we should have a fire sale and eliminate everyone from office currently in the legislature/congress and bring new blood up from the farm system. Term limits of one term. Thank you, now go away

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Your Pal,

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Cockkswain Vindemyer Vava Voom Jizzlode Douchalalabad

9:06 am August, 30 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Is “Bonus Pear” Hispanic? I haven’t checked yet but if she is I’m not going to look. It wouldn’t be right to support the outsourcing of Pear or possibly the underpaying of illegal alien Pear.

9:28 am August, 30 kush said...

Yeah, just what I need. Another place to have a laugh turned into some political discussion. Joy. This us vs. them tactic is clearly paying dividends.

Some things are best kept to ourselves.

9:40 am August, 30 DarkSock said...

What Vin said. I’m starting a new party, and the symbol is a Horse.

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A dripping horse.

9:42 am August, 30 Tanath said...

What’s great is you can skip right to the pear!

9:42 am August, 30 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

Shame on the rubes indeed. Since they outnumber the elites like 5 to 1 yet still allow themselves to be manipulated by fear and false promises.

Tis a strange time we live in.

Great post DB1. Keep up the good work.

CTDS

9:44 am August, 30 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I just fucked a goat. Srsly.

9:48 am August, 30 Dan said...

Pear is insufficient.

FUCK YOU WITH A WHITE-HOT POKER.

YOU HAVE TO BE AN ABSOLUTE FUCKING MORON TO RE-ELECT OBAMA OR HOPE THAT NANCY PELOSI EVER ASSUMES POWER AGAIN.

10:18 am August, 30 Vin Douchal said...

Er ^ sorry ’bout that post. I was at a left turn arrow for about 10 minutes this morning and it got me riled up. Carry on

10:51 am August, 30 Anonymous said...

In the spirit of today’s sophisticated political discourse, and, Dan, since you started it–go fuck yourself.

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I’m not sure where the lines will be drawn, but I’ll be on the opposite side of you when they are.

10:56 am August, 30 Jasper said...

Can’t we all just go back to objectifying women?

.

.

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Golden Globes 2012, Bring it.

10:58 am August, 30 Vin Douchal said...

See? Dan is just what I’m talking about. I like Obama but would throw Nancy Pelosi in a cage with a rabid, face shredding chimp if ever given the chance.

11:00 am August, 30 Vin Douchal said...

Feel like I kind of owe you guys this pear

11:30 am August, 30 The Dude said...

That’s some nice pear, Vin

11:52 am August, 30 FlipFriddle said...

Preach on brother Vin. As a tax paying middle-of-the-roader, my voice of togetherness and compromise is not heard in this here thing we call our gub-ment. What’s a fiscal conservative/social liberal to do these days?

Third party it is! Hopefully one not populated with douche but only librarian hotts.

Relax everyone, you can have political views and fight the douchepocalypse at the same time. It’s akin to holding your iPhone while you jerk off. 🙂

12:25 pm August, 30 Vin Douchal said...

New Dream Theater cd out in two weeks and if this is any indication it’s gonna kick ass

12:28 pm August, 30 Douche Springsteen said...

Although I like the idea of a party with a dripping horse as the symbol, I’m starting the Pizza Party. The three people that still listen to me after my fourth bourbon always get an earful about how nothing is harder than ordering a pizza with a large group of people and that is exactly what democracy is. You’re always going to have the one asshole who wants nothing but anchovies and then another asshole who won’t be happy unless he gets a gluten-free crust with soy cheese and tempeh “bacon”. Of course, you’re welcome to go off on your own and make your own pizza but then you might realize that completely isolated from EVERYTHING you’re going to need to come up with a way to turn wheat into dough, milk the cows for the cheese, process tomatoes for the sauce, slaughter a hog for the pepperoni, not to mention find a way to bake it and fuel the oven.

Me, my favorite is grilled chicken, pineapple and red onion but I can only get that when I’m by myself. In a group of people I realize that I won’t get that.

So America, wake up, fuck this divide-and-conquer two party mentality and enjoy your pepperoni, green pepper and mushroom pizza. If you don’t like mushrooms, shut the fuck up and pick them off. It could be a lot worse.

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Oh yeah and thanks for the pear.

12:43 pm August, 30 Stephanie said...

As we were discussing things on another site,we all agreed to ship all of the Republicans to the sun on a rocket ship and melt them,while playing Black Sabbath as loud as possible and film it for the next Republicans, so they get the hint.

1:35 pm August, 30 Leon said...

Hey DB1, Democrats had control of all 3 branches for 2 years straight! What more do you want?

1:51 pm August, 30 Sir Huddleston Fuddleston said...

Yeah, yeah, politics left right honk honk. What I would do, lingually, to “Autistic Pear” is either an offense against democracy, or a great act of defense of it, depending on whether you’re a Reagan loving, church secretary humping republican or a Carter loving, turtleneck and medallion-wearing pornstacheioed demopube.

2:42 pm August, 30 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Fuck Democrats. Fuck Republicans. Fuck liberals. Fuck conservatives. I want Bill Nye to be fucking president:

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http://dailycurrant.com/2012/08/30/bill-nye-blasts-todd-akin-challenges-debate/

4:07 pm August, 30 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Doc Bunsen you’ve got the right idea! What about Honeydouche/Beaker ’16?

5:04 pm August, 30 Steve said...

There is something that is far more terrifying than the Republican convention, to me. but first a little history.

As a kid I thought my dad was the greatest dad in the world. He could do no wrong, and everything he said was gospel. Literally. We were church going folk. However, when I was 17 I stopped believing, and I began hating my dad for going along with superstition.

However, at 28 now, I am tired of being angry at him, and I accept his beliefs, just as he (hopefully) accepts my non-beliefs. He IS the stereotypical middle-aged/old American white guy that watches ONLY fox news and the prayer channel. He talks of nothing else (he repeats what faux-news says verbatim, and believes Bill O-Reilly is the smartest man in America), and brings EVERY topic back to religion and politics no matter what the people around him are talking about. He has made my mom uncomfortable with bringing him anywhere, as he no longer knows how to socialize with people.

Factoring in all of this, my father is very rarely happy. Movies, music, sports, anything else that would get him excited no longer does. However, last night, for the first time in years (maybe in over a decade), my dad was hollering, whooping, clapping, and repeating what he heard on the tv during the convention. It’s honestly the first time I think I’ve seen him happy since I was a teen.

Now, over the years I’ve realized that I am actually more like my father in personality than I think. We may be on the opposite ends of the spectrum in regards to religion and politics, but other things I am very much like him (my mannerisms and such).

No, what scares me about the convention last night is not what was said (I didn’t watch it, nor listen to anyone talk about it, as I’ve distanced myself from politics completely a long time ago since i don’t believe that whoever the person in charge is makes a difference), but the fact that the older I get, the more I’m turning into him. I am scared to death at the thought if being EXACTLY like that when I’m almost 60. Sure when I reach that age, if that’s what happens I’ll believe that my beliefs are right. But at the moment it makes me wanna kill myself.

5:12 pm August, 30 Guid is Good said...

Four more years of Hope and Change will see things turn around. Hang in there USA.

5:28 pm August, 30 douche equis said...

Hey Stephanie . . . after you get rid of all the people who have a clue what a business is and how economics works, who’s going to start businesses, give you a job, and create a dynamic economy that provides the things people want? The poets, tattoo victims, douchebags, union thugs, ne’er-do-well architects-who-should-have-been-writers, and pinko operators of misogynistic websites (a characterization I employ not only with love, but reverence) that are left here on Planet Earth with you? Good luck with that. I’m sure while you’re all holding hands and singing human nature will completely change, and no one will be greedy, act in their own self-interest, try to get things for themselves, etc. You’re all so fucking perfect in every way, all toeing that kum-ba-yah line, it’ll all be just fine. And everyone will be thrilled to work their whole lives and give away the benefit of their labor. Uh, yeah. Or maybe Atlas will just shrug. Or maybe your new hemp-based economy will work for you . . . at least to the point that you won’t notice that it doesn’t.

.

(And as a smaller point, what kind of fucking asshole posts about killing people who don’t agree with her? How would all you left-wing lovers-of-all-mankind-as-long-as-they-are-of-the-left react if, oh, say, _I_ did that? I’m sure you’d nod sagely and say “Oh yes, that’s the mature response all right.”)

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Incidentally Steph, I appreciate the fact that under Obamacare you’re going to be funding MY healthcare under a system that will be bankrupt by the time you need it. Thanks!

6:06 pm August, 30 DoucheyWallnuts said...

This is all really very embarrassing.

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Better to Remain Silent and Be Thought a Fool than to Speak and Remove All Doubt. – A. Lincoln.

6:57 pm August, 30 creature said...

Vin, ya mean the Pawtucket Sox, right…& Douche Equis if you mean organized labour, as in the muscle of america, I could show up on your doorstep to kick your balls into your mouth…sir!

7:55 pm August, 30 DB Sweeny said...

DoucheyWallnuts making it plain.

More pears wouldn’t hurt aboot right now.

10:49 am August, 31 Charlie Smith said...

Tits@7:47 – excellent point, agree that’s the nut of the matter. Political elites want us to become discouraged and stop voting, stop discussing politics, and stop participating in the political process because that means they will be able to do as they like and won’t be held responsible by anyone.

1:08 pm August, 31 Anonymous said...

DE, you might want to look it up–the people who understand business aren’t the ones who start them–they’re the ones who run them for the rich folks who inherited enough money to start them–see Donald Trump or that bitch in Australia calling poor people lazy for references.

3:47 pm August, 31 Whoop-di-douche said...

Bonus pear(s) (Thanks, Vin)

Bone us, pears

Boner up, pears.

Bone ’em up.

5:07 pm August, 31 douche equis said...

“the people who understand business aren’t the ones who start them”

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Are you allowed to reproduce sexually? I’m praying not.

10:16 pm August, 31 Anonymous said...

Paying to have something done isn’t the same as doing it–ask the guy who cuts my grass.

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We should all stop reproducing.

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