Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Reader Mail: Brett is Upset

“Brett” writes in from an email account with a different name:

———

to: douchebag1

subject: Delete please!!!!

Hi,

My name is Brett —– from Gadsden, Al. I’m emailing you from my friends gmail account. There are pictures and an article about me on your webpage.

I would like for you to remove them please! Also, I would greatly appreciate it if you could tell me who submitted the information or give me the email address that did it! Thank you!

Brett —-

———

The email address that did it? Who really does anything? Can any of our actions really be construed as choice in this chaotic netherworld of worldly nethers we call the underwear trapeze of life?

I believe it was Ionesco who first posited the notion of the meaningless circuity of life itself impacting any claims to defining the lived experience via the accumulation of knowledge. And by Ionesco, I mean Tommy Lee’s self-aware peen. Which ain’t got nothin’ on what Berle was packin’.

# posted by douchebag1
6:31 am August, 22 CB Popped said...

This PuertoRican beach pear is to die for….I know #3 on the right is sublime, but Im gonna pick door number 1 on the far left, green bikini,,,,its more G BLess level.

These women could solve World Peace and end hunger with this kind of universally high quality pear.

Tks for re-posting that pic Db1.

ps – (we all know Dark Sock had his way with the horse)

6:33 am August, 22 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Actually, Forrest Tucker – aka Sargent O’Rourke from F-Troop fame – was known to have a bigger pecker than Berle. Although Berle was more likely to show-off. Uncle Milty was known to take it out and say, “See how purple it gets when I squeeze it?!?” Tucker was a lot more low key. There’s a legendary story about Berle and Tucker at the Friars Club, with Totie Fields officiating and Angie Dickenson hands-on judging.

.

Also, Brett’s a douche.

6:34 am August, 22 saulgoode42 said...

Somebody once said they saw Milton Berle in the sauna and his schlong was so huge they thought he was sitting with his son.

6:36 am August, 22 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Brett are you the guy who likes to fuck balloons from that video by any chance? The name “Brett” = Autodouche

6:43 am August, 22 Capt. James T. Douche said...

You know speaking of the name Brett, the company I work for hired a district manager and his name was Brett too and I instantly knew he was douche from the moment I saw him noticed he was wearing tasseled loafers! Tasseled fucking loafers I says!!

6:43 am August, 22 Et Tu Douche? said...

Far left, green bikini pera is a joyous sight to behold on this lovely day. Thanks boss for posting again.

.

@Brett,

The email address that did it? here it is jagoff@urfriendssuck.com

6:45 am August, 22 Duck Duck Douche said...

Still having trouble getting past that Avril Lavigne thing.

.

Well, this should be interesting. How many Bretts can there be in Gasbag, Alabama?

6:48 am August, 22 Capt. James T. Douche said...

I would greatly enjoy a 3 hour long make out session with green bikinis mud whistle.

6:54 am August, 22 Et Tu Douche? said...

When DSock sees this I can only imagine the emotional & physical confusion that he’ll have to grapple with. The pear or the horse?

7:28 am August, 22 This just in... said...

This site has articles? Brett, what a horse’s ass.

7:31 am August, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

There has never been a Bret, Brett, or any other affectition of the name who was not a douche. Fuck of Brett!

7:39 am August, 22 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Bret Michaels – douche

Bret Ellis Easton – douche

Brett Favre – douche

7:49 am August, 22 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Nice work FredN. Its confirmed, Brett is a ‘bama mullet douche.

Here’s a lesson for you kids out there. If your picture appears on this site, your one and only option is to beg for forgiveness for your douchey ways and seek penance. Requesting to have the pic taken down and seeking out those that outed you only reinforces that you think there is nothing wrong with your douchey ways.

7:57 am August, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

testing. one, two, three.

8:01 am August, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

^ Sorry ’bout that but I wasn’t able to get anything to post in “The Critique of Pure Reason” thread.

.

“Aw shit man, now my mom knows I’m a douche. Now my dad knows I’m a douche. Now my ‘bros knows I’m a douche AND my parole officer knows I’m a douche. Oh wait, he already knew that.”

8:20 am August, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Bret

.

Lemme break your pansie-assed email to DB1 down so that others may benefit from it:

.

“Hi,

My name is Brett —– from Gadsden, Al. ”

Translation: Hi, I suck at life. The abortion my mom should’ve had as a teenage crackwhore didn’t quite take so I’m gonna waste some of your oxygen right now.

.

“I’m emailing you from my friends gmail account.”

Translation. I”m a HUGE fucking pussy and I need somewhere to hide in case you haven’t realized already that I have no real friends.

.

“There are pictures and an article about me on your webpage. I would like for you to remove them please! ”

Translation: YAHOOOOOO! SOMEONE NOTICED ME!!!! However, my pathetic attempts at existence are failing miserably and causing embarrassment to my family and all my ‘bros at Jiffy Lube. Now they won’t stop making fun of me and my bruised little ego can’t take it anymore.

.

“Also, I would greatly appreciate it if you could tell me who submitted the information or give me the email address that did it! Thank you!”

Translation: I need to maintain some form of masculinity by making the emptiest of threats possible via the interwebz. “You should have seen the Facebook war I had with Dennis from JL (that’s what we call Jiffy Lube so outsiders won’t know what we’re talking about). I really got his punk ass in trouble with the districtmanager. Showed him!”

.

So in conclusion Brett, while we love you for the hilarity you bring to our day, just go fuck off. Thanks!

8:30 am August, 22 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Doc Bunsen nails it!! Do I hear a follow up mi mi mi meep from Beaker?

8:46 am August, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Capt. JTD

.

I was just translating for Beaker. It seems as though someone pissed in his Wheaties this morning. He’s a mouthy little motherfuccker when he gets going.

8:46 am August, 22 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I’d fondle the horses nut sacks for a chance to drool awkwardly in the general direction of the Puerto Rican beach pear.

8:48 am August, 22 This just in... said...

Great stuff Doc B. Except for the Jiffy Lube part. People in the service industry hate uppity pricks such as yourself (good for you, you don’t have to do manual labor. These jobs still need to be done by someone though.)and we can smell you comin’ a mile away. And that’s why we spit in your food. Other than that, nice take down.

9:59 am August, 22 The Dude said...

3 pears with 2 horse’s asses. DarkSock shouldn’t have a problem here. Long day at the beach.

12:26 pm August, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ This just in

.

Thanks! I do enjoy the extra flavor and all (I worked in the service industry all through highs school AND college so I know these jobs need to be done) but but that’s why I got an education so I wouldn’t have to do it any longer.

12:35 pm August, 22 Anonymous said...

Bama sucks, War Damn Eagle!!!

12:53 pm August, 22 Charlie Smith said...

I can understand why women might want their photos removed from this site because they don’t want to be forever associated with the douchebag with whom they allowed themselves to be photographed. But when a man asked to be removed I have to wonder, I mean, he was photographed with a hot chick (hence the name of this site) and the resulting photograph is all over the internet – what’s so bad about that?

.

Captain @6:43 = totally right about the tassel loafers.

12:58 pm August, 22 Anonymous said...

” Okay Okay I did it”

-Email Address

12:59 pm August, 22 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

I imagine most of us have worked a service industry level job at one point or another. Sadly, it’s guys like Brett, who wasted their opportunities and simply don’t have the capability of doing even that job reasonably well, that make companies like Jiffy Lube and the jobs they offer the butt of so many jokes. But not to worry. Once Jeff gets his Dell back from the pawn shop he’s going to load the latest version of “Spin Da-D” and his career as a DJ is going to take off yo! Then we’ll see who has the last laugh.

.

And by last laugh I mean “I’ll take careers that really aren’t careers and will result in rapidly deteriorating douchebags paying off their tattoo bills with tip money they steal from other waiters’s tables for $100, Alex.”

.

Please don’t spit in my food.

1:39 pm August, 22 This just in... said...

@Mr. Scrotato Head, don’t call a vacation a walkabout and we won’t. There’s way more of us than there are of you, so sleep tight on that and keep your prickery to minimum when dealing with the help.

3:51 pm August, 22 Duck Duck Douche said...

Indeed, an excellent takedown by Doc, but one correction is needed. Brett doesn’t work at Jiffy Lube…he works at Biffy Lube, and the job involves lubing arse not cars. The pneumatic lift is used in a way not endorsed by the manufacturer and a grease job is exactly what you think it is.

.

This Avril Lavigne thing is *still* bothering me.

6:39 pm August, 22 Stephanie said...

Uncle Milty is on the far right.

6:46 pm August, 22 Stephanie said...

I hate tassel loafers.

11:49 pm August, 22 Army (ret) Douche said...

Because i like playing devils advocate

Bret Mckenzie- notta

11:51 pm August, 22 Army (ret) Douche said...

because anyone part of the Wellinigon Ukulele Orchestra canoot be a douche

1:17 am August, 23 Wheezer said...

Something tells me Brett Somers will be emailing another takedown request from another friend’s account soon enough, for it appears he didn’t exactly identify himself.

.

And that deconstruction (8:20 a.m.) of this message is spot-on, Doc Bunsen!

12:18 pm August, 23 Douche Springsteen said...

Hmm, I just got an e-mail advertising round trip flights from Detroit to Puerto Rico for a very low price. I think this picture may cause me to buy one. I wonder if DB1 is secretly working for the Puerto Rican tourism industry.

7:27 pm August, 23 Little Willie said...

I would enjoy sodomizing those three pears in turn each on all fours.

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