Saturday, September 15, 2012

Comment of the Week: Sergeant Scrote Stain

S.S.S. unleashes the rage at refusing-to-grow-up oldbaggery in the Someone’s Dad is the Most Embarassing Dad on Earth thread and wins the coveted HCwDB of the Week:

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My Dad was never embarrassing. However, he is, and always has been, extremely terrifying. I will never cross this man. Never. Part of me hopes that now is just the time (Me: 27, Him: 50) where I could handle him in a fight. But the noninsane part of me knows that this is only a pipe dream. Well into his sixties my father will be able to rip my face off. God. If I sucker punched my father in the throat, he wouldn’t even make a sound; he would calmly grab my torso and start cracking ribs, one by one, until a collapsed into a pile of human putty. No. He wouldn’t kill me. he would just calmly stand there as I paid my appropriate asshole tax.

Now, “What,” you may ask, “does this have to do with the rather tanned Oldbag – who may, or may not, have a high-hipped Stripper G-String tattooed onto his torso?”

Well, everything. And probably absolutely nothing because I spend a vast majority of my time drunkly playing Whack-a-Mole a Chucky Cheese whilest yelling incoherent demands at the god-damn-animatronic-banjo-playing-bears who never have the common courtesy to play Outkast’s, “Southerplayalisticcadillacmuzic.” Just that damn Twang, over, and over, and over.

But I digress. This so called “Fatherbag,” instead of rightfully instilling fear and cowardice into his sons and daughters, has taught only texting shorthand and the propper spacing of butt cheeks on the tanning bed. This is why you see infants with fauxhawks. This Mother F’er right here. The crumbling of our society began not with the launch of this site some, shit, I don’t know, seven or eights years ago. No, it started when this complete twat decided to take a vacation to Saint Barts instead of spending the week berating his children for talking over the Ohio State game. Douchey America was born when thousands of parents in the eighties decided it was ok to support their child’s desire to express themselves (whatever the hell that means) instead of telling them to shut the hell up and mow the lawn.

You know why Douches always have that smug look of entitlement? Because they aren’t afraid. No one – i.e. Their God Damn Fathers – smacked ‘em in the mouthes when they were acting like asshats. And if you aren’t taught as a youngster that retardedness is punishable by the swift knuckles of justice, then you probably are on a fast track to Scrotehood. This photo right here is the Darwinic Origin of “Smarmlippery.”

Dear Oldbag, You destroyed America’s youth. We hate you. Sincerely, Everyone.

Also, where the hell is that damn Banjo Bear with my meatball pizza?

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# posted by douchebag1
12:39 pm September, 15 creature said...

Scrote Stain rtns w a BOMB!

…welcome back fellah, mock of this quality isn’t quite as plentiful as it once was!

1:45 pm September, 15 The Casual Teabagger said...

DB1 sure has a hard on for these twins. Too much Double Mint as a kid probably. Sgt. Scrote Stain yelling at those damn bears to play Outkast FTW. Oldbags are the worst and the saddest to watch.

1:56 pm September, 15 Wheezer said...

“The Wiggas” = an utter waste of human existence. Why do they live and breathe?

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However, I could find solace from such despondence while snuggled between the sheets with Nubian Leopard Pear there.

2:09 pm September, 15 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Seargeant Scrote Stain is wise beyond his years and has a pet cock named Mothra.

3:10 pm September, 15 The D ude (remote loc) said...

Sargeant Scrote Stain is wise beyond my years too, and I am 327 years old. In dog years.

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He’s also wise beyond my ears. huh?

3:16 pm September, 15 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

How ya doin’ Baghunters?

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Still recovering from Ohio State nearly crapping the bed this morning against Cal and preventing my alarmingly premature heart attack with a 72 yard touchdown bomb by Braxton Miller. Thank God.

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Good to be back(ish). I’ll do my damndest to drop a line every now again.

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Thanks for the props, DB1. Now, about that new policy, Mandatory Side-Boob Saturdays…

4:48 pm September, 15 Et Tu Douche? said...

Mmmmm…… “Mandatory Side-Boob Saturdays…”. I hear by second S.S.S. motion and a hearty congrats on his CoW.

5:29 pm September, 15 Jeet Kune Douche said...

N E 1 know who that chick in the pic is? She makes me lustful enuf to want to denigrate myself in an unholy manner.

6:46 pm September, 15 Troy Tempest said...

SSS – fucking brilliant rant. Gold star for the day.

6:47 pm September, 15 Corporal Punishment said...

Nice work Sarge. Woe is the society that fails to beat its children.

6:49 pm September, 15 Corporal Punishment said...

^ Jeet Kune. I don’t know who she is but she just shit a douchebag.

7:15 pm September, 15 The D ude (remote loc) said...

I second for a side boob Saturday, especially because I managed to type this post whilst fully loaded. Fully. With a Tommy’s burger too. Count me out

4:56 am September, 16 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Rev

You care to make any wagers on this glorious of days? and by glorious of days I mean football Sunday.

8:34 am September, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Et Tu

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$20 on Giants plus 6 over TB

9:37 am September, 16 creature said...

^I like TB to win outright

9:38 am September, 16 creature said...

Skins are the lock!

9:50 am September, 16 hermit said...

Without doubt the entertainment at Chuck E. Cheese is top notch, but their pizza resembles the discarded mud flap from a ’98 Mack truck.

10:14 am September, 16 Anonymous said...

SSS = truth

2:41 pm September, 16 Jeet Kune Douche said...

Ya know, I just took another look at the chick – I withdraw my comment. That face could sink a thousand ships.

2:32 pm September, 17 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

AMEN.

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