Saturday, September 22, 2012

Comment of the Week: UFO Destroyers

UFOD brings the cost analysis to blowing up the Hard Rock in the Epic Dump thread and wins the coveted Comment of the Week:

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The military has actuaries that caculate how much it might cost in case a jet crashes in populated areas or a bomb goes off the range and strikes private property. The reasoning is to determine the “risk-reward” equation. Now, if a fully-loaded remotely piloted B-52 (the bomber, not the band) crashed into the Vegas strip while on departure from Nellis AFB and wiped out, say, Rehab on a Saturday afternoon, the “reward” side of the equation would be off the charts. Fewer future welfare recipients, fewer Ed Hardy purchases thereby putting the company out of business faster, fewer STDs, fewer room temperature IQs clogging up the gene pool’s filter, and a lot of new construction jobs to rebuild the area so it could be done all over again. Also, it would give the Air Force a chance to test out remote control bombers and their precision target acquisition guidance systems. It’s not like the military would be losing any possible recruits, just your local Valvoline Instant Oil and McDonalds.

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# posted by douchebag1
11:51 am September, 22 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

That’s how bad this Oldbag is, he garners two straight Comments of the Weeks. His reek is strong.

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Nice work, UFO. Terrorism seems much more patriotic, now. And I mean that in the best way possible.

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Yo, DB1, you seem to have forgotten about our new policy – Side Boob Saturdays. However, I think Side Boob Sundays would be equally as palatable.

11:51 am September, 22 DarkSock said...

This needs to happen.

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Now.

12:01 pm September, 22 Jeet Kune Douche said...

This poor young blonde really looks like she’d prefer to be in the main magma pool of a volcano rather than where she is, surrounding by scrotal infections…..

12:01 pm September, 22 DarkSock said...

Also, new Asspear LaPlante:
dat ass

12:08 pm September, 22 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Fuggin’ Sock. You haven’t lost your touch. Nor your affinity for butts. God bless your depravity.

12:10 pm September, 22 DarkSock said...

O AssPear LaPlante…I would gladly eat a hot monkey shit casserole just for the privilege of licking the thrush off of her momma’s poorly-sanitized vibrator.

12:17 pm September, 22 DarkSock said...

For AssPear LaPlante I would drink a frisbee full of infected mule piss and then fling it towards the girlfriend of the biggest drunkest biker at a Zakk Wylde concert just for the privilege of fingering her dentist’s basset hound and getting arrested for the act just in the off chance that it would make local news and she’d see it and say “OMG, that’s my dentist’s pet!” and write an angry note to me in prison which I would then smell, lick and wrap around my pastrami cudgel.

12:18 pm September, 22 Et Tu Douche? said...

Ham Dangle™ silhouette ftw!!! oh and congrats to UFO Destroyers

12:21 pm September, 22 Et Tu Douche? said...

Dear Rev,

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I hit up the annual neighborhood yard sale this morning and scored a pair of Heathkit AS-105 speakers in minty shape and a few houses later a nice Joan Miró print in a kick ass frame for chump change. If you haven’t passed out and your still with me it was a good morning. So after that I headed over to my local farmers market cooperative to pick up my extra lean ground turkey that I ordered last week. Here’s were it gets good and I thought of you. As I was perusing the fruit selection I noticed thee hottest Mulatta goodness (almost Latina like) also admiring the fruit. Her light brown curly hair, pulled back cascading off her shoulders, called to me and then I gazed downward towards her buttocks firmly ensconced in a pair of black tight leggings. The athletic symmetry of her hamstrings guided me back towards her supple firm backside and my mind wandered, the thought bending her over slightly in the quest for lapping her light mocha brown Ham Dangle™ had me in daze. I was awakened from my daze as the fruit purveyor asked me what I would like to which I replied “How much for the BlackBerries?” 2 for $3 he replied. I asked for 2 and as I was paying for them she turned to take in my 6’1 180lb manly physique and gave me a look of approval. She then asked the purveyor if it was a $1.50 for one to which he said only if you buy 2. At this point I returned her gaze and suggested she get 2 and freeze them as they are great for smoothies. She smiled and said she enjoys smoothies. I stammered something like “Yup, don’t get a good smoothie wrong”. This elicited a giggle from her at which point I dropped the ball saying something to the effect of “Well have a good day and enjoy the berries” and then walking away. I realized at this point what a chump move that was and turned around to sneak another peak at her yumminess as she walked out the side entrance. Anyway I’ve had a proverbial woodrow all day thinking of what might of been if my rap was a little stronger that along with a side of shame & disgust as to how I misplayed the situation.

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Yours not truly,

ETD?

P.S. she was Hott and sorry for the fail.

1:03 pm September, 22 Wheezer said...

@UFO Destroyers: That was beautiful, man. Just fuccen beautiful.

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@’Sock: More Ass Pear LaPlante? Thank you! Fapping to her will never get tiresome.

1:05 pm September, 22 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I would just like to say about cheerleaders, “The stuff they do on hard wood, it blows my mind…”

1:28 pm September, 22 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Mel Tormè gave me a hand job. You notice I didn’t say I got a hand job from Mel Tormè, cause there’s a difference. Na mean? 

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So Tormè and Mr. Sinatra went way back together to the early 40s when they appeared in Sinatra’s first film together but they never hung around, and Tormè never hung with the Pack. Dean hated him and Frank used to say he was a good singer and musician but that, “He was a scroungey little fuck who gives me the creeps.” The creeps, he says.

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Well as it so happens Sinatra and all of us winds up at some Hollywood shindig with a bunch of movie star types and music biz muckety mucks, and Tormè is there with his “Business Manager, ” Luke Something-or-Other. And by “Business Manager” I mean this little Nancy Boy ass licking full-on finnoch who made Liberace look like Chuck Bronson. Tormè would shake your hand and he had this little kid grip and it was real soft and creepy.

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We had been at Jilly Rizzo’s place on Topanga Canyon Road drinking and getting blowed by some of the bar flys who used to hang at Jilly’s tavern in West Hollywood and some other broads who hung out at the commissary at MGM Studios. We had a good load movin and Frank said we had to scram and head over to this other gig, so we piled into a couple of limos with booze and skull to go, and made the trek.

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So we get to the party and creepy Tormè starts hangin around with us. Ordering drinks, makin phony comments about the dames and makin like he’s one of our pals. So I’m drinkin my drink and all of a sudden I start feelin all kinds a woozy. Tormè comes over and says to me that I ain’t lookin too good and says I should go and lie down. He takes me into a room and I can’t wait to get off my feet. I sit on the bed and then I can’t see so good and then I can’t unnerstand a fuckin word comin outta Tormè’s pie hole. Then Tormè is gone and this blonde chick is talkin to me, but I don’t unnerstand her neither. Madon! 

.

Then I start seein weird colors and the fuckin chair in the corner turns into my Aunt Rosalie and starts singin fuckin’ “Funiculi, Funicula,” and now I know I’m off my tits. Then the blonde broad starts rubbin my crotch and whisperin in my ear and lickin my neck and I’m gettin a fuckin hard-on even with Aunt Rosalie singin that fuckin Wop song in the background.  

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So the blonde unzips my fly and takes it out and is givin me the business and I can’t move, hear or do nothin but watch her work my joint good an proper. All I know is that she has the softest fuckin hand like it was a big marshmallow cotton ball or some-fuckin thing. So as I’m bustin my nut all over this dame’s neck and chest area, fuckin Normy Fell comes stormin into the room and the next thing I see he’s givin Mel Tormè a beatin and Tormè is all curled up on the floor.

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I’m thinkin, ” Where the hell is the broad who just handered me and why is Fell beatin the shit out of Mel?” As it turned out, fuckin Tormè dosed me and a couple of the guys with Windowpane or Blotter or some shit in our drinks and I was the one unlucky enough to see him as a broad. Rickles was so spun he was crawling around on his stomach speaking jibberish and pissing hisself, Lawford wound up tripping for 3 days and Buddy Lester had to be put in an ice bath he was so fuckin fried.

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Me, once I jibbed I seemed to regain my senses and was lucid enough to help Normy arrange for Tormè to be sodomized by a couple of big colored fags we knew who hated white guys but loved to rape them. Tormè had to take some time of from his career after these guys got done treating his ass like Rocky Marchiano treated his heavy bag.

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So now you can see why I said Tormè gave me a hand job not that I got a hand job from him. It’s not like I had a choice.

2:58 pm September, 22 Wheezer said...

How did Mel Tormè get his hands on RevChad’s stash?

4:56 pm September, 22 Vin Douchal said...

The Chive decides to post “The Level Beyond Douchebag”

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Stackhouse whines that his photo is copywritten….:

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HCwDB has managed to gain over a million hits due to my luscious face

5:12 pm September, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Et Tu

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A questionable act on your part. The first thing you need is some of Rev Chad’s almost patented (cause it’ still illegal and shit if you don’t have a license) before you approach Mulatta Latina hotts. They almost all smoke dope to some extent Pape. Get em stoned! And do them a good Christian favour as the Catholic Sabbath is yet to rise. IS it better to violently throat fuck a willing submissive or to teach her how to squeeze balls and lick penis for a lifetime. I say throat throttle cause she’s only going to gag and puke a bit and it’s more fun for the male of the species. Speaking of male of the species, I got Mrs’ Kroeger high last night. She let me give her an anal probe after some throat fucking and then asked me to order a pizza with extra green peppers before she passed out.

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The dog and I took pictures of her in various compromising positions before the pie came and the pizza was fucking fantastic. I wish you guys could sample my bud and hometown pizza. And by bud I mean Jean Guy, and by pizza I mean Louis’.

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And whatever we’re betting on tomorrow. Son. Now I have to read DW’s Story after I roll a chronicsicle for my beloved. SSS is having fun with this shit again.

6:11 pm September, 22 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Rev

Stillers v Raiders? are we on?

6:44 pm September, 22 creature said...

Plinky’s mother’s back fat is called Orca…that’s all I got

6:45 pm September, 22 creature said...

…that & ball hair grows on Mel Torme’s tongue

7:04 pm September, 22 The Dude said...

The ball hair is what gave Mel that unique singing voice.

7:30 pm September, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@ET…. I’m in, who am I going for?

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“Scarfaced vixens with Sid Vicious sneers greet me to that part of town I’m so sick of thinking of. The place where my untreated erectile disfunction flares up in the face of so many young Selma Blair wannabees.”

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HE said as he wrangles the WSJ out of the garbage can just to fit in. Well fit in after the people watching him wrangle the WSJ are gone.

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“If only this one time he might think of me instead of his Cerebral Palsy spasms first, fucking retard. I’m waiting for him to shoot that big load of Jean Guy juice into my pussy when he stops freaking out from the visions.”

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She stared with a queried yet youthfully cherubic expression on her vag. She intimated a rose with obtuse angles and an intimate spray of Liz Clairborne.

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“Only yesterday I would have sworn she was youthfully cherubic with a queried look on her vag.” He said scowlingly like a fey Lord too emasculated to demand his lowly rent on a hovel frequented by minstrels and apothecaries.

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The shire was destroyed ny Gestapo operations on that rueful fortnight. The Possum has his head up. Mr. Moon is on the curtail and whiffs a heavenly fragrance of whiskey and virgins.

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I’m stoned. Son.

7:57 pm September, 22 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

@ Rev & Et Tu

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Gotta say I was right about those Florida State/Clemson & Kansas State/Oklahoma games (we’ll ignore my mention of Notre Dame/Michigan – although I enjoy a loss by those bitch ass Wolverines whenever the occasion arises). Real referees = entertaining games.

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Gotta admit, though: I bitched out. I didn’t pick up the Arrogant Bastard Ale. Albertson’s had a New Belgium variety 12 pack for $10.99. Very worth it. Also snagged my fifth of Makers, per Man Regulations. Now, flip on Oregon vs Arizona and continue the getting housed endeavour.

8:44 pm September, 22 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Rev

I got the Steelers.

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@S.S.S.

Good call on K. State, I tried to watch the FSU game but all I could think about was an Alumni (do we know if he even graduated?) who won the yearly 2 yr’s ago and all I could imagine was him acting the fool and trying to mack on some whobag jumpoff in the stands. He’s probably deep frying a turkey right now and by deep frying a turkey I mean being a dick.

9:47 pm September, 22 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

^ That man shall not remain nameless – Stackhouse. FSU is about much more than that pud. Every team has douchey followers; we cannot let them ruin the experience. They don’t own the team; us drunkards do. And I am officially “housed”… Time for some whippits. Whoop!

12:51 am September, 23 Anonymous said...

ThAT bLoNdE BeEn oN ThE ‘RoiDS?

jUSt aSKinG.

1:28 am September, 23 The Dude said...

Nice dissemination, UFO. What a fuk’n mess in that pic. These three are a delightful pair, relatively speaking.

8:23 pm September, 23 UFO Destroyers said...

Thanks for the honors, but I am just a bug stuck in the grill on the DW history express.

11:51 pm September, 24 Little Willie said...

Two queers and a pre-op tranny. Dick licker on the left can’t wait to start sucking the tranny’s sausage after “she” sodomizes him.

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