Monday, September 10, 2012

HCwDB of the Month

Okay ‘bag hunters and huntresses, time to get a real honest to goodness old school vote going on all up in this place. This is practically an all Herspter with hot chick finals, going up against one classic Jersey meathead and hott, which tells you about our cultural transition from Jersey Shore to Douchella archetype.

Bring it.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Arturo, Skinny Kathy, and a Dirty-Ass Door

From ‘Sock Week, here’s the first in our lineup.

And a worthy Jerzian puddle of poo it is.

This is classic orange ‘roided ‘tude smells like Trenton douchewankering.

Arturo is a meatball in every sense of the world.

Lets not forget Jesus Bling, faux tanning, tatts, and lovely lady lumps, together in cohabit.

That’s just not appropriate for cultural ascension.

Turtles do not approve.

Skinny Kathy gives seductive look.

The door is dirty.

Together, something smells like Bodyspray in Denmark.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Hipster SKeet and Meg

This is real world HCwDB.

Nothing cartoonish.

Just what appears to be an average bartrocity.

Chin pubes and punchface making on a real world sexy cute.

Together, they at first appear harmless.

But upon closer inspection, the pollutants rise to the surface.

And seriously, who names their kid Skeet? That’s worse than naming your child “Dylan” or “Mika.” There’s just no excuse for names like that.

None.

But enough to win the Monthly? Two more to go.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Methholio and Rachel

Yeesh.

Guess this week is skeevers macking on purity milkshake boobie suckle hottie thigh week. Which was also the name of my band in high school.

What an awful reality to wake up to on a Monday.

Hers is a pooch I would belly.

His is a punch I would face.

They are the inverse of 1980s Reeses Peanut Butter Cup commercials. They do not taste great together.

But there’s one more entrant to go.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela

Lip fung hoopsterism and doucheface plus sexy skeevy hott.

Classic rockerback HCwDB.

Faux rock-star douche jackets punch the Baby Vishnu in the elephant trunk.

Michaela even showed up later in a bikini getting bothered by rich-kid Bennington students at a music festival.

At least I think that’s Michaela. Sluttyhott vibe is the same.

And lets not forget the followup atrocity, Jack, Michaela, and Tom Petty Hott.

So them’s your four.

Voting is on.

Which of these four HCwDB atrocities deserves to win the HCwDB of the Month?

Vote, as tradition dictates, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
7:03 am September, 10 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Arturo and Skinny Kathy FTW (loss), for their classic douchebag/bleeth look. The added bonus is that Arturo wipes his ass on the door.

7:04 am September, 10 Stephanie said...

Arturo,skinny,dirty ass door. Arturo resembles the hot dog left on the grill that no one wants. The dirty ass door has a higher IQ than Arturo.

7:09 am September, 10 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Arturo is a pro, that walking chuck roast sums up the douchebag life pretty well! The rest of the clowns pictured are mere amateurs and slight of hand artists who wander the fetid plains of the douche underworld and occasionally stroll down to the River Styx to dip a toe, where as Arturo is the real deal and cannonballs in with a mighty GROOO! Pluse I’m pretty sure he’s growing Limburger cheese on his door.

7:11 am September, 10 FredN. said...

I scrolled down thinking that the classic Dbag pic of Arturo is the likely winner. It disgusted me, but superficially.

.

Then I hit Jack the Lipper. This picture, along with his other photo(s?), made my GERD start to bubble up uncontrollably, my eyes started to water in rage, and my hands are now shaking at the keyboard.

.

This piece of poo is the winner. The winner at being a loser. He earns the monthly.

.

And the chick looks like she’ll consent to my nastiest requests. So there’s that.

7:15 am September, 10 icame isaw idouched said...

Pumpedup pile of poo Arturo FTW.

7:23 am September, 10 Blind Squirrel said...

I want to attach that lip ring to a heavy chain and then to a trailer hitch. Floor it. Lipper FTW.

7:33 am September, 10 DarkSock said...

FredN just about swayed me, because if you REALLY stop and study the Jack The Lipper portrait it makes you want to cock-punch Katie Couric, but…I cannot abide by the fact that the same grime that is on that Dirty Ass Door (D.A.D.) also besmirches Skinny Kathy’s reproductive organs.

.

Arturo FTW.

.

AND WASH YOUR FUCCEN DOOR, THEN YOUR HANDS, YOU DRIED OUT SLAB OF BEEF JERSEY.

7:44 am September, 10 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Pouty Michaela FTW. And by win, I mean Jack the Lipper . Which really means LOSS and LOSER. Which is precisely what happens when you date a hipster douchebag, Michaela.

.

Tho I’m pretty sure Arturo could – and probably has – wiped the floor with Jack.

8:00 am September, 10 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela

His Pauly Shoreness gives him the edge.

8:02 am September, 10 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Wow, rough pics to try and digest on a Monday morning. As worthy and deserving as Arturo is, skinny Kathy, meh, just not doing it for me. Sunburn and lack of self esteem do not make a hott.

.

With multiple shots of Jack the Lipper spreading his herpster angst, he is the true winner (loser) in my book.

8:36 am September, 10 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Dirty, skanky gorgeous Michaela for the epic everything. I don’t care who she is with. I would put a snorkel up her ass and breath in through the mouthpiece like it was cool, sweet mountain air.

8:41 am September, 10 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Dear Rachel, do a situp for the love of god. You look like a marshmallow person with pipecleaner arms and legs. Is this what they mean when they say JUST another pretty face?

8:48 am September, 10 Vin Douchal said...

Tickle giggle swirly trace her tattoo to the promised land and diddle until carpel tunnel renders your fingers useless

.

Take a point blank shot with a taser to the carotid artery then toss on some cool water mid-spasm for added conductivity.

.

In other words, Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela by a stiff protein bar poop over Arturo (who may be related to Tighty Armani, the smuggest mother farker ever) and re-tread FTW

8:54 am September, 10 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

An ode to Michaela:

http://en.musicplayon.com/play?v=464337

8:56 am September, 10 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Huh, my post disappeared. Here’s an ode to Michaela again:

.

http://en.musicplayon.com/play?v=464337

9:05 am September, 10 hermit said...

I don’t know if this is a current thread or I somehow stumbled onto an archived thread from 2009. Either way I guess I’ll go ahead and vote.

.

Lipper ftw, because you just know he thinks he’s better than you.

.

.

.

And, unless you’re Pelosi, he’s not.

9:17 am September, 10 I am...I said...

Lipper, cuz in that second pic at that music festival, dude’s got a pooch belly. Not cool.

9:34 am September, 10 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Methholio and Rachel. He is a self made failionnaire and she needs to do a few more crunches. Against my penis.

9:42 am September, 10 FoghornLeghorn said...

Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela for the win. Don’t let his pale-a$$ed, lack of physique fool you. True enough, Arturo could break him like a toothpick, but even Jack’s friends say he reeks of douche. Besides, Skinny Kathy looks like a trailer park partier compared to Pouty Michaela.

.

Zyzz rolls over in his grave looking at Jack.

9:53 am September, 10 Duck Duck Douche said...

Winner winner vomiting dinner: Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela.

.

Because (1) this is Hot Chicks with Douchebags and #1-#3 have no Hot Chicks,

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(2) Jack the Lipper really, REALLY needs to have his head shoved down a toilet,

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And (3), if Michaela didn’t transport you to Morningwood Drive, you’re dead.

10:39 am September, 10 army (ret) douche said...

#1 because he reminds me of cro-bagnon and a steaming pile of #2

10:45 am September, 10 Anonymous said...

aRtUrO + SKanKy kAtHy ftW {lOss]

10:45 am September, 10 The Dude said...

Lipper and Michaela. Because what hermit said.

.

.

Where’s my “I Voted!” sticker?

10:55 am September, 10 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela. His hair has been teased almost as much as he deserves to be. And while Pouty Michaela is the hottest snag in the lineup, I wouldn’t touch that slag hole without a face mask and leather gloves. She looks like the type of girl that pops plan B like multivitamins.

10:58 am September, 10 Douchble Helix said...

Michaela – for it was I that ID’d her at the fest.

.

But I’ll rest not on my laurels. Are we *sure* Arturo isn’t Peter Pumpinhead?

10:59 am September, 10 Tits McGee said...

I second Duck Duck Douche’s sentiment.

Skinny Kathy looks old enough to have bought her grandchild an original super soaker.

Meg looks like a brunette version of Zac Hanson (that’s right another early nineties reference) if he had got his face mmmbopped in.

Rachel’s midsection truly makes me believe she’s got a crazy amount of thigh bruises from chasing her white trash sister’s toddlers as they stumble through a trailer up to their knees in empty totinos pizza rolls packages and sticky double gulp cups.

Jack and Michaela have an enormous amount of individual attitude between them. They win(lose) this month because of the inverse relationship that such attitude affects. Michaela’s ‘tude makes me want to teach her things using guttural noises in the dark. The Lipper’s ‘tude makes me want to see if I can Derek Vinyard that douche all over the curb without scratching his lip ring.

11:12 am September, 10 Jeet Kune Douche said...

Arright, one at a time:

Arturo and Kathy – ya know, Kathy seemed kinda nice, until I noticed that ivy growing on her arm. Asstard. Arturo seems like an ok guy, too, though he does look like a………Godzilla sized PRIMATE.

Douchecon 3, middling douchosity.

Skeet and Meg – you’ve gotta be kidding. Skeet is a skidmark. He’s too young and pussyish to be taken seriously, but his dad needs to put the boots to him and send this mangina to the Marines.

Douchecon 3 (too much of a pussy to be higher/lower.)

Metholio and Rachel – toilet but doesn’t even BEGIN to describe this excrement-eating infected scab. Douchecon 2, easily. Worthy of a two fisted can of Raid cleansing.

Tighten up that stomach, Rachel, and you’ll be yummy enuf to roll with the JKD…..

Lipper and Michaela – FOLKS, WE HAVE A WINNER!!!! This herpster self-absorbed snide twinky BITCH deserves a full blast from a flamethrower. Lipper is like all the toxic waste in New Jersey concentrated into a human form.

DOUCHECON 1 HAS BEEN ACHIEVED.

So it’s Lipper for the Month.

Why couldn’t his dad’s sperm and mom’s ovum commit seppuku before meeting? Lipper’s existence is downright unnatural and abhorent to the grand design of the cosmos.

11:21 am September, 10 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela FTW! Why? He tries to REALLY hard to give off the affectation that he thinks he’s cooler than you but in all reality he knows that isn’t and is just waiting for someone (Arturo?) to beat the ever-loving snot out of him. He’s like the Dane Cook of herpster wannabes: If I think I’m cool(funny) then so will everyone else. But what he forgets is that no one thinks Dane Cook is funny (or cool) and everyone hates his guts. Pouty Michaela knows that as long as she’s around him she’ll get everything her little heart desire due to his insecurities. They make a perfect match.

11:35 am September, 10 Charles Douchewin said...

I vote for Arturo & Kat, and by vote I mean feel pity for an inanimate door.

.

Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela have (negative) potential, but we’ve already denounced this pose of wrongness before.

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Douche imitation is the the sincerest form of stupidity.

11:37 am September, 10 Charles Douchewin said...

^ so is the the bad editing…

12:22 pm September, 10 Evilmoose said...

Arturo is too easy….I’m going for the little hair lip dude.

12:26 pm September, 10 Douche Springsteen said...

with apologies to ee cummings, whom Jack the Lipper quoted to Pouty Michaela in an effort to seem worldly & cultured.

neck tat

hideous

screen-printed

blazer

super

serious

expression

hair that would not look

out

of

place

on the head of a troll

doll

i can

not

abide

the union of this

with

pouty mayan e

y

e

of coitis

12:28 pm September, 10 Douche Springsteen said...

oh, the spacing did not come out correctly. it looked much better before I hit “submit comment”.

Oh well, it was a fine idea at the time…

1:04 pm September, 10 Vin Douchal said...

Even barnyard animals are repulsed by this month’s pairings

1:09 pm September, 10 Superstar Paul Ryan said...

I am throwing my support behind the Lipper. Did you see his doughy physique in pics 2 and 3? That’s not the body of a job worker, that’s the body of job creater. And there is nothing more patriotic than macking on the filthy/gorgeious ethno-hotties because you got the do££ar$ to live the party life. SWYD, sons.

1:32 pm September, 10 Troy Tempest said...

basically Arturo is just a big stupid lunk. He’s not evil. And he seems pretty happy hugging Kathy. So, I give him a 5 and she’s a 10. (lower values are for losers)

.

Skeet and Meg are of no consequence. He only has chin pubes because he started growing facial hair last year. They’re both first years at Middlesex County College. She’s looking at nursing, he’s in hotel management. She will end up cleaning bed pans, he will end up washing sheets. They’re basically harmless. She’s a 10 and he’s a 9.

.

Methholio and Rachel – now these people are contenders. She’s got an awesome rack and a gunt to match. Methholio is garbage. At 40 he’ll still be a barback barebacking on the side. She’ll resemble a sofa. Still she has a pretty face, and looks like she swallows. He’s a 2 and she’s a 6 because while she’ll end up looking more like Ethel Merman, right now she’s all kinds of fleshy hot boinkability.

.

Lipper and Michaela – yikes. Also contenders. She’s got the skeezy magic skank thing going, and he’s an atrocity in a world of holocausts. Frankly Michaela makes me ill. I’d give her a 4. She’s got a serious bleething in place. And JAck? He’s no worse than Methholio. I’d give Lipper a 3.

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So, I enter the numbers into the World Aquanaut Security Patrol (WASP) computer system and …

deet doot deet doot deet doot brrrrrrrrr hmmmm…. DING!

.

the answer comes out:

Arturo and Kathy: 7.5

Skeet and Meg: 9.5

Metholio and Rachel: 4

Lipper and Michaela: 3.5

.

So, it’s Lipper. The computer says so.

2:17 pm September, 10 Et Tu Douche? said...

Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela for the fail. My head STILL hurts from last night and having to see the Lipper’s smugness makes me need to take a horrendous dump.

2:35 pm September, 10 Morbo said...

Lipper and Michaela.

I appreciate the timelessness of Arturo. I would swing a baseball bat at the kneecaps of both Skeet and Methholio with all the fury of a roided up Barry Bonds, if given the opportunity. But none of these inflames my anger the way the Lipper does.

He’s the guy who sends the table’s bill through the stratosphere by ordering expensive menu items, then tries to divvy up the check equally — even though he’s got a trust fund and a sweet do-nothing, six-figure gig at his dad’s record company.

The others are increasingly annoying. The Lipper is a scourge upon humanity with no redeeming value whatsoever.

3:01 pm September, 10 Reverend Chad Home After Writing Exam said...

Dial in vote for all the hipsterbags at Ottawa University. Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap while I was getting stoned and drunk enough to write my exam.. Neckbeards and pierced tattoo chicks running the bar. Renob for the chick with the lavender fauxhawk. Serious boner for her after I was done and had two bourbon, two scotch and two beer. What a fucking 20 year old body! Renob. Renob. Son. I’m going to bed.

.

Academics

3:44 pm September, 10 Voulez-vous douchez? said...

I am torn between old school Arturo and his slummy apartment, and new skool Lipper and his coterie of indie-bleeths…. But the putrid countenance of the Lipper induces much rage.

Lipper for the Monthly.

Arturo for CVS Brand aloe vera gel.

4:03 pm September, 10 DixieRecht said...

#1 FTW (loss)

.

So much more than the dirty door. Look at her fake rack, her bad tatts, and you want to run. Then you see it. The high class stero system at her feet. Wait. Didn’t you get that boom box for a birthday present in 1987? He must be the chump that bought it at mom’s garage sale. Then the dumbells in the picture’s botto right

.

It’s all very clear now. Pan out and you see the apartment is as empty as the lives these two lead.

And the dirty door is simply par for the course.

4:37 pm September, 10 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

Metholio looks like the one who spends the most time trying to convince the hott that he’s a bigger deal than he really is. The others are all classic douches, but methy takes out over the edge.

5:11 pm September, 10 creature said...

Arturo is big, dumb & happy to be both…Skeet a young Bagling who may just realize how good he has it….Methholio, dried up gum stuck in your sneakers, nuff said…but, Jack looks like he’d rather wrap his pierced lip around roid-sploded coccxk than pay attention to the nubile tart draped upon him…Jack the lipper most worthy of my boot heel to his forehead…ftw

5:26 pm September, 10 creature said...

…did I mention that I would like to break Jack’s non prescription glasses with one violent thrust of my HB No. 2 pencil from my geekmo drafting kit…& repeatedly pierce his upper lip with my Spyderco work knife!

5:38 pm September, 10 Tattsiana Groinshavia said...

Arturo and Skinny Kathy FTW/L! For epitomising ‘baggery c.2008 with a twist of keyhole felching. Was Skinny once the Donkey’s piece of Ass? That is, before the Donk was inexplicably incarcerated for crimes against taste and decorum… And drugs.

5:40 pm September, 10 Guid is Good said...

At first you would think Arturo and Skinny Kathy would have this month sewn up, however the douche caravan has moved on, leaving Arturo and Cathy in their sub-prime, negative equity, hygiene deficient suburban dream.

I have seen the future and it is Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela. The Lipper’s smug sense of false superiority, once the domain of Arturo-types, now belongs to the ironically neck-tatted herpsters.

It is progress – but not as we know it.

5:43 pm September, 10 Guid is Good said...

Oh … and I think Pouty Michaela just wants the cock. Even in the Lipper is attached to the other end of it.

6:53 pm September, 10 Dr. Jellyfinger said...

Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela

3:38 am September, 11 Colossus of Choads said...

Meth-guy for the win

6:34 am September, 11 ehcuodouche said...

In a way, they’re all winners. But in another, more accurate way, Lipper is the winner. He requires more than just a punch in the face. He needs to be broadsided with Arturo’s dirty ass door.

BTW, I clean all the doors in my house reflexively after viewing that picture, so don’t post it again. They’re plenty clean now.

7:38 am September, 11 jonezy said...

Fuck you Jack the Lipper- he gets my vote as sexy, sultry Veronica Vixen gives the Lithuanian Eye of Can’t Afford Me.

.

I want to vote for Skinny Kathy but that door is too hilarious and Arturo’s schlubby smirk makes you think he’s probably actually a decent guy that volunteers his time with children on the weekends, and finances his hospiced grandmother off his doorman salary leaving him no funds for some 409 and paper towels.

.

The rest of the puds in the running are meek, teen bags and will probably realize what huge d-bags they were as a youth.

.

But Jack the Lipper- that guy, never in a million years, would ever admit that any opinion, style or characterization of him is the least bit douchey. He has the inexorable talent of believing he is the coolest mother fucker in the room no matter where that room is.

.

He is a piece of shit through and through.

8:42 am September, 11 Mr. Biggs said...

Jack the Lipper. Perhaps to the novice he doesn’t seem to have the ostensible douche signifiers. But all you need to do is look at his eyes. For his eyes have all that trademark douchebag seriousness that he is the shit, the cutting edge, the hip. And yet, his eyes are the gateway to communion with Cthulu.

And barely legal Michaela just has no clue. As is the nature of such bouncy giggle pout.

11:49 am September, 11 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Pulling a name out of the hat this time would automatically result in worthy winners (LOSERS) but the disgustingly dirty door behind fat Arturo and meth crazy (works better’n Weight Watchers) tatted Kathy takes the (skanky) cake.

2:00 pm September, 11 Wheezer said...

Arturo is DQ’d for bringing in Smoot’s hott Crystal for help. You gotta bring your own game, homey, if’n ya want the Monthly! Check out the extra tattooing on her arm between now and t h e n. A nice current pear shot of her would probably help in confirming who she is, but I think it’s clear.

.

Hipster Skeet and Meg don’t have enough clout here to carry a Monthly. She can outbench him, and he’s just a gas station attendant who thinks “Clerks” is the story about the greatest job in the world since he thought he could sit on his ass all day. He’ll be looking for work every couple of years, will load up on tatts, and die in an alley, toothless and broke at 47.

.

Ummmmm, well, see ^above for Self-Made Methholio’s fate. He’ll be 5 blocks from Skeet, but sees 48 or 49 first.

.

My Monthly vote goes for Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela. Jack’s what I referred to before as a “mullet douche,” despite lacking a mullet. His run of choadosity shows he is “business at da club, party at da beach.” What brings about such a full range of douchemotion? Why so serious at Chez Hipsterwank and so loose on South Choadre Island? I’m sure he has a boatload of pics waiting to tell more of the story he’s still trying to write at Starbucks on weekends.

8:50 am September, 12 DouchYouWannaDance said...

No winners this month. Only LOSERS.

6:28 pm September, 13 wolfram74 said...

That Cathy chick is Smoots Ex. Now with the Orange Blossom Special

7:20 pm September, 13 siliconelover said...

kathy, arturo and door for the month and the year. arturos spray tan is all over the door… kathys pain meds are dripping out of her nose this should be made into tshirts(sleeveless of course)

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