Tuesday, October 23, 2012

20,000 LEAGUES OUT OF THEIR LEAGUE

Clem, Tucker and Arlo have reason to smile.

While sporting only the most minimal of douche signifiers and some truly tragic hair, they have still managed to gain the company of Nisha, the coveted, flawless Princess Jasmin perfect quasi-Indian princess hot, with eyes like tiger opals and hair like a waterfall spun from midnight.

Even with points off for bedazzling her fingernails, she’s still a 10. Note how she delicately raises her pinky on her flaccid brew of Crystal Light and whatever Grocery Outlet boxed wine Clem found in Nana’s pantry, while subtly and simultaneously lifting Arlo’s clammy hamhock off her supple shoulders. Smooth. Nisha knows that even bridge trolls have feelings, but she is no one’s goat.

And she’ll maintain her composure until she sees the sign on the door behind her. Then, 4:1 odds she loses her shit.

# posted by Steve L.
12:28 pm October, 23 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I smell Curry.

12:33 pm October, 23 Vin Douchal said...

Funniest post ever. Crying salty fuccen tears

.

@ BvG

.

Anyway to add a track with you reading these posts?

12:34 pm October, 23 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Mutherfricker… looking rapidly from ginger chinbeard to Princess Jasmin can cause painful thermal shock of the eyes. It’s like someone parked a Bugatti Veyron next to a trio of banged up AMC Gremlins. $10 bucks says this pic is evidence in an unsolved crime.

12:37 pm October, 23 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Trailer Park Wolverine is giving me Columbus Ohio Eye of Hands of My Fritos, Bra.

12:43 pm October, 23 hermit said...

Yeah. “….. eyes like tiger opals….” Good shit.

12:45 pm October, 23 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

The X-Men re-imagined? Nightsoiler, Walmart Wolverine, Fagneto, and Aishwarya Frost.

12:46 pm October, 23 DarkSock said...

I second Vin; we need an audio-books version of BvG week available on iTunes, where he delivers this prose in a secretly stern gothic stentorian umbrage.

12:46 pm October, 23 DarkSock said...

And Clem’s head is a perfectly up-scaled model of his own hairy left testicle.

12:47 pm October, 23 DarkSock said...

And ” Arlo’s Clammy Hamhock” = awesome band name.

12:48 pm October, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

The Baron’s poetry is delicious and I am waiting to see his screenplay for Criminal Minds on the tube. That chicka looks pretty fresh and analizable with her hair used as fuck handles and mouth used as a Halloween dumpster.

12:56 pm October, 23 Et Tu Douche? said...

It may not look like it but Nisha deeply regrets inviting Clem, Tucker and Arlo to the party at Mt. Holyoke. She wanted a change from the Tripps & Biffs of the world that she always seems to meet up at Amherst. She is comforted in knowing the drive back to Pittsfield for them isn’t that long and hopefully they’ll leave before sun up so they can make their morning classes at North Adams St.

1:13 pm October, 23 Baron Von Goolo said...

Glad you like this one, everybody. Soak it in cuz I gots a performance tonight so tomorrow ah’m PHONIN’ IT IN, BETCHEZZ!

1:14 pm October, 23 UFO Destroyers said...

Best barn-raising party that Clem’s ever been to. Because there’s electricity.

1:20 pm October, 23 New name cuz this shite could out me said...

This Is Not An Exit.

.

Classic Bret Easton Ellis imagery there, son.

.

http://www.galilean-library.org/site/index.php/page/index.html/_/essays/literatureandfilm/american-psycho-reinterpreted-r90

1:37 pm October, 23 Vin Douchal said...

Dude on the left looks like Michael Buble slumming between tour dates with his lumberjack fem buddies

1:45 pm October, 23 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I never thought I’d say this, but Urban Hobbit Clem would look better with more facial hair. A lot more. As in a full-on hair veil.

2:36 pm October, 23 Capt. James T. Douche said...

That beard of red ants looks painful and probably smells like a sack of ulcerated assholes.

2:44 pm October, 23 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Douche on the left has Donohue syndrome (look it up bitches). His buddy with the blow out is helping him stand on the table so he can get in the pic.

2:52 pm October, 23 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Why do I imagine BvG would read his posts like this:

.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZO9TR9MzUg

.

Now that would fuccen rock!

2:55 pm October, 23 Baron Von Goolo said...

For those of you interested, the punchline on the Thundersmirk McGee post is working now.

.

HTML. All this newfangled intergoogle nonsense. In my day, we didn’t need no compooters to entertain us. You had your mead and a warm deer bladder and you were set for the weekend.

.

Bah.

2:57 pm October, 23 Baron Von Goolo said...

@ Doc Bunsen – Indeed. I have been known to bust out a formidable “My Humps” at karaoke.

4:38 pm October, 23 Guid is Good said...

Somewhere on the Emerald Isle a garden is missing its gnome.

.

.

GFC = Financial Potato Famine

5:00 pm October, 23 Douchble Helix said...

Pretty fancy writin’, Baron!!

10:33 pm October, 23 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

That’s one hella Taliban red jihad beard that Clem is sporting there. Maybe he thinks Nisha’s 15 yr old sister will be forced into arranged marriage with him. Otherwise his luck with the chicks does not look too good.

Nisha is a tasty spicy little dish from the sub-continent.

10:33 pm October, 23 Stephanie said...

Blink 182 Leprechaun’s are hung like kittens.

Leave a Reply

What is 10 + 13 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)