Wednesday, October 24, 2012

EVERYONE DIES EXCEPT THE VIRGIN

Drawing inspiration from innovations in Ancient Greek warfare, club-going hordes of suckle-worthy giggle hotts have adopted a formation known as “the Bestie Phalanx.” By encircling, cleave in, pear out, a group of four to eight hotts create a revolving formation that constantly has its back to the rest of the crowd, repelling all attempts at fraternization while remaining permeable to complementary drinks.

In this particular instance, the Alpha Bestie is overly proud of her shiny cleavite and has asked the fourth bestie to leave the formation and snap a photo for the faceybook. Her hubris will prove her undoing. Phalanx broken, a doughy, hunchback knobgoblin, its hat too low and its hopes too high, has seized the opportunity to swing its ponderous into their personal space in an attempt to invoke Lo-Han, Dark Avatar of Bathroom Stall Handjobs. If the fourth bestie does not close ranks before the goblin starts reciting Nickelback lyrics, all may well be lost.

When executed properly, the Bestie Phalanx displays an impressive aerial geometry, reminiscent of Gustav Doré’s depictions of the Gates of Heaven in Dante’s Divine Comedy. The main difference being that departed souls rarely make motorboat sounds on their way to the Great Beyond.

# posted by Steve L.
10:39 am October, 24 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Is it possible for a posting to also be comment of the week? Srsly, nice job, Von Goolo.

10:52 am October, 24 I R A Darth Aggie said...

So…if everyone dies but the virgin, then all the hotts pictured will die, and the wannabe non-virgin with the hat tilt will live?

.

GREEK TRAGEDY!

11:09 am October, 24 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Maury Mouthmann laments the demise of the nightclub dress code, and the fact that he wasted $35 dollars on his designer T-shirt when Fruit-of-the-Loom puss buckets are allowed to mack on the giggle hotts. Maury Mouthmann will write a particularly biting letter to the assistant manager when he gets home tonight.

11:15 am October, 24 creature said...

an aerial shot Buzby Berkeley would be proud of!

11:27 am October, 24 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Arial shot is like a roulette wheel…

1 O’clock pleasing but not spectacular

3 O’clock pert trumps plastic every time

4 O’clock is the daily winner, and Indo-persiatic goodness

6 ‘O’clock and things are going downhill. Looks like the twins are fighting and don’t want to be near each other.

7 O’clock goes all natural, but with a little baby fat

10 O’clock wtf? who gets mommy tatted on their ta-ta??

11 O’clock wtf? who left this residue on here?

11:33 am October, 24 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

The Baron’s imagery is taking me back to an english course I studied many years ago. Reminds me of Madame Ovary.

11:46 am October, 24 Douchble Helix said...

Pretty fair speakin’ for a hairlip.

.

I had nothing else. Great work, Baron!

12:22 pm October, 24 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Pure poetry BVG! That loser better live it up now that’s the closest he’ll ever get to anything that good looking with less than 6 teats.

12:27 pm October, 24 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Here’s hoping Low Hat Harry gets stomach cancer!

12:39 pm October, 24 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I know that I have trangressed the boundaries of Americam puritanism with my many revolting links over the years. I have found one so foul, so smelly, that only the perverts and jokers here may appreciate it.

.

Don’t click this. You will ne scarred for life and your renoB may break.

.

http://shark-tank.net/2012/09/06/debbies-alternate-universe/

12:40 pm October, 24 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

So I just found out an interesting MEDICAL FACT: Mrs. Doc Bunsen told me that an excessive motorboating session WILL NOT replace her yearly mammogram and get this, IS NOT covered by our insurance. Really??! What’s the world coming to?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Fuccen communists

12:42 pm October, 24 Wheezer said...

“Circle of cleave” = boobsagon.

12:43 pm October, 24 Wheezer said...

No, make that^ “boobygon” – as with a polygon, any number of hotts can form the shape.

1:10 pm October, 24 Colossus of Choads said...

Baron VG is doing an awesome job.

I think this is the best missive yet.

1:53 pm October, 24 Douche Springsteen said...

Real gangstas pound pink dranks in da club.

I’d like to see this clown get dropped off in “the hood” a la the little kid in the Chappelle’s show skit.

1:56 pm October, 24 DoucheyWallnuts said...

^@Rev Now you have crossed the line. I wouldn’t bang Debbie Wasserman Schultz with Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s dick.

4:36 pm October, 24 Army (ret) Douche said...

i echo mccrude shoes applause, hats off to this write up

4:44 pm October, 24 Stephanie said...

Oh,when are those stupid backwards baseball hats and 3 XL shirts on little boys going to be out of style?

9:37 pm October, 29 DarkSock said...

best post ever

Leave a Reply

What is 15 + 3 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)