Friday, October 19, 2012

Friday Thoughts and Links

A word of warning when douche hunting in the wild:

Jesus Bling + Ed Hardy Jorts are far more potent when mixed together than when mocked individually.

It’s kinda like Pop Rocks and Coke.

Taken separately, they’re both tasty snack treats.

Taken together, and they kill child actor cereal eaters.

Vegas Nicole has the white teeth and sturdy backbone of a former cocktail waitress at the Luxor, working the 2am shift. She has fought through many a situation, and yet yet taut suckle pooch remains firm.

For that, I respek.

And by respek, I mean nervously buy her a Bud Light Lime without saying what I really think of Bud Light Lime.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB K-Cup instant coffee tasty-ass selection of the week: mmmm… Mahogany…

Tweet of the Week.

Mmmm… Kunis.

Although Aryan Jennifer Lawrence is definitely making a run at the champ.

Mongor Find Pear. Unfortunately, the pear was not canned correctly and has gone bad.

Bronzer Fail. Poo laughs at you, Paleface.

And then there’s a dude who wants to pee in your butt.

Bored this weekend? Enjoy some mind blowing scientific discussion from the mid 1970s.

But you are not here for retro science. You are here for pear. And we got two choice selections on this fine Friday aft’. First up:

Reach Pear

A stretch in time saves butt fondle. Next up:

Pears Looking at Pears

It’s like staring into a reflecting pool wishing well. With butts.

# posted by douchebag1
12:53 pm October, 19 Charles Douchewin said...

Oh. I AM here for retro science…

12:58 pm October, 19 The Dude (remote loc) said...

I got a link for Taut Suckle Pooch. Lemme tell ya

12:59 pm October, 19 The Dude (remote loc) said...

Is that the guy from the Carly Simon song “You’re So Veiny”?

1:05 pm October, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’d give Jennifer Lawrence my Winter’s Bone.

1:08 pm October, 19 jonezy said...

I’d let Reach Pear snarfle my meatwhistle

1:23 pm October, 19 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

“But you are not here for retro science.” The hell I ain’t. DB1 finally channels his inner geek for one Friday. Here, fuccen, here Boss. Keep it comin’. Me and Charles Douchewin appreciate it.

1:28 pm October, 19 The Dude (remote loc) said...

Is T.S.P. worthy of me stooping to Bud Light Lime?

.

Yes. Si. Oui. Por favor.

1:29 pm October, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’d never go see RUSH with Mrs. Kroeger again for three reasons:

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1) She bought counterfeit tickets and was really fucking mad at having to buy more tickets. Then got hammered on Rockstar after I gave her sedatives to calm down.

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2) She didn’t realize that RUSH has released albums since 1984. Drunk woman booing the setlist for 66% of the show is downright embarrassing. Really was a weak performance with the whole new album and half of the last being played. The usually rabid Montreal RUSH Nation was subdued at best. Crowd enjoyed the immense amount of doobage I passed out and became energized as the oldies came along.

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3) I had to have drunken sex with her at 3 am after partying with the restaurant workers after they asked what that smoking aura was around me and found out I had a bag of Jean Guy. Those frenchies love their weed.

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4) I had to take her to three of the best restaurants in Montreal in 24 hours. She started having fun again around midnight when we went to this joint that comes up with crazy shit. We had bison penis, foie gras covered poutine made with fries cooked in horse fat, cubes filled with melted duck fat, and a pigs head stuffed with duck organs. I puked a little in my mouth this morning and it tasted so good I savored it’s rich fatty alcohol laced flavor as it slid passed my tongue the third time. I hot boxed myself in the hotel bathroom and breathed in the delicious aromas of my flatulent poop this morning for the same reason.

1:36 pm October, 19 Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt said...

I think if there were a just god that Nicole and Reach would EACH have 4 sets of my pecker tracks, and I think that Mr. Veiny would be begging me to join his gym, while I gave him a dazed WTF look over the top of my Bavarian Cream doughnut!

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Does that happen if I take out 14 muslims with a vest bomb?

1:50 pm October, 19 Charles Douchewin said...

Right on Doc Bunsen!

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I particularly appreciate how this weeks’ FTaL is looking a microcosm for this whole site. A HCwDB golden record, if you will.

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Oh and Doc Bunsen, I don’t know about you, but grading undergrad papers often makes me feel like this:

.

2:06 pm October, 19 Et Tu Douche? said...

Mmmmmm………. ….Reach Pear and a turgid renob for Jennifer Lawrences 20 year old succulent naturals. My renob for Mila Kunis is still somewhat turgid but after finding out she banging Asshat Kutcher it comes and goes.

2:08 pm October, 19 Et Tu Douche? said...

Rockerbag, in Tweet of the Week., can barely spell yet I’m not surprised.

2:19 pm October, 19 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Ummmmmmm… I’m not sure if this should make me happy or what:

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2:25 pm October, 19 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Reach Pear has me reaching for my renoB. Film at 11.

2:28 pm October, 19 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Charles Douchewin

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I when I grade papers I usually feel like Bruce Willis’ character in Pulp fiction after Fabian has forgotten to bring his watch back from his apartment. That vid you post was pretty goddamn funny though.

2:38 pm October, 19 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Oh and I had me some free time this afternoon so I thought I’d mess around and I came up with this.

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http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/13821245/dwallnuts-reminisces-about-sinatra

3:13 pm October, 19 jonezy said...

^ that is great DW. Great….. I says.

3:33 pm October, 19 Vin Douchal said...

Rev Chad’s night on the town sounds like Hunter S. if you added a frozen tundra existence to his already addled mind

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Trying to explain Rush music to the uninitiated is like dropping a Rib Eye in front of a person that the best beef they’ve ever had is the Angus burger at McDonalds

.

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Music geeks have to, at a minumum, appreciate Neil Ellwood Peart and his tasty combo of rabid honey badger meets rocket scientist drum style. Although I do understand the push back against Geddy Lee’s voice and guitar purists that don’t give Alex Lifeson his due as a tremendous talent (which he is, Casse toi, guitar geeks).

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That said, ‘Nucks are fucking crazy. Find the right ingredients in a ‘Nuck and you’ve got a buddy for life that will kill his newborn puppies for you, sharpen your skates at a discount in his garage, and introduce you to his sister when you’re on the rebound and need some luv’n.

.

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Early Rock ‘Nucks that kicked open the door:

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April Wine , Roller

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I was at this show ( I’m in the 1,245th row, 98th seat in from stage left):

Triumph- Fight The Good Fight

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You can keep the Poutine to yourselves, though, tabernaks

4:55 pm October, 19 The Dude (remote loc) said...

Wallnuts, that’s the longest video I’ve ever watched without trying to get a renoB. But it’s pretty darn funny!

5:13 pm October, 19 New name cuz this shite could out me said...

Need advice:

.

So, I’m sitting at the upstairs computer doing some work, only because da spouse has girlfriends downstairs. Yes, the Cuba Libre is well stirred and tastes delish.

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Anyway, I want to go grab some of the lime tortilla chips but they are downstairs. In order to grab the chips, I have to run the ladyfriends gauntlet.

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Normally, I don’t give a shite, and try to mack on ’em all anyway. But the shebeast ratio is high tonight. One “girl” is 375 pounds. Per breast. Said breast hanging off her back.

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On the other hand, one girl is 5’1″, 95 lbs full of spinning blond goodness, and already confessed to us at a bar that she “just can’t do anal, ever, because every time [she] tries, which is a lot, the cock only gets in about an inch, cuz [she’s] WAY too tight, soooo….”

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Question: how many Cuba Libres do I need before not giving a fuck and hope they are all sufficiently lubricated with Prosecco that I can rub on the spinner while grabbing my chips?

5:35 pm October, 19 Rev Chad Superstoned And Mrs. is addicted to my weed. said...

These are for Choad The Douche Spocket in case he gets his tv show and travels to Montreal to critique food, the city where all girls under 40 look fabulous and wear skin tight jeans or yoga pants to show of their thin pears in thigh high fuck me boots. Fuck I wish I was single again. Those frenchies are great courtesans as well. Horny skinny sluts. Mmmmm.

.

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DB1 might also like these two due to his religious affiliation to G_d.

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http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/news-video/video-behind-the-counter-at-montreals-iconic-schwartzs-deli/article553129/

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This place is fucking awesome like Neil Pearts cocck.

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And what Vin said. Son.

5:36 pm October, 19 Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt said...

New Name. One Cuba Libre. The one that’s in your hand now. Gulp it. Get down there and subtly rub on the vixen. Use the heffer as a pick screen from your wife’s vision. The feel of ‘next to tight anal’ will be with you for years past the best pear you view here! The only question is can your knob withstand the intense whacking you will give it in the next 365 days if you pull this off !!

5:43 pm October, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Fuck her Knew nam

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That;s gold DW. Gold I says. I need sleep and a new liver.

5:58 pm October, 19 New name cuz this shite could out me said...

Franklyn: I tried it. Finished the drink and headed down.

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Heard the screech first. Shebeast apparently brought her 2 kids, you know, the boy that shits himself, and the girl with the phenylalanine disease where she can’t eat things that are white or drink Diet Coke or some shit? Yah those two.

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The shriek threw me off my game. Said Hey Ladies and started in for the hugs when blond spinner said “HI [name redacted] I just got engaged! To a photographer!”

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I filled my glass and came back upstairs to the computer. fuq.com next on the agenda. Fuck.

10:05 pm October, 19 The Dude (remote loc) said...

Gauntlets. I run those even when there’s no Mrs. to police me.

5:15 am October, 20 Douchble Helix said...

Like a good dump, I sometimes wait a little bit before I read the links and the comments.

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I’m only as far as DW’s narrative about Frank. Between him and The Rev, this comments section is gold, I tell ya, gold!

.

And there it is! Gotta go. And make is snappy with the bread sticks, yo homos.

11:29 am October, 21 DarkSock said...

re: “dude who wants to pee in your butt.”

.

.

Plinky???

2:53 pm October, 21 The Dude (remote loc) said...

Rev Chad, four of your three reasons to never see RUSH with the missus again are excellent. Again.

D.) was a bit over the top, however

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