Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Honorary Douchemag of the Month: Rolling Stone

I give this honorium with all due respek. For I am a big fan of RS and usually enjoy its strange alchemy of teenage bubble-crap and aging rockers in their 70s.

However, the latest issue, featuring porn star Taylor Swift on the cover, is just drenched in douchebaggery.

Not only are HCwDB’s The Wiggas ™ featured in an article, with nary a douche reference in sight, but also the odious Riff Raff, described by RS as a unique talent.

This is fail, Rolling Stone.

This is not acceptable.

To remove the mock allows the taintstain fungii to rebuild and regrow.

Granted you and I have a checkered history.

But I still expect Rolling Stone to carry some semblance of mock towards uberchoads like the ‘Raff and the Wiggas. For without our firewall of collective scorn, what will society become?

For failing to mock that which is eminently mockable, Rolling Stone earns an Honorary Douchemag of the Month.

# posted by douchebag1
2:30 pm October, 16 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I hate work, it keeps me from checking in and there are too many good things I missed. Suffice to say, I also hate Rolling Stone.

2:55 pm October, 16 The Dude (remote loc) said...

Taylor Swift can star in my porn debut: *Hot Chicks with Real Musicians*

3:11 pm October, 16 Jeet Kune Douche said...

RS is Old Media. They’re a dead dinosaur that’s starting to stink. Any motion you see is just maggots scurrying under the putrefying skin.

4:26 pm October, 16 Olddog said...

I am a big fan of RS. I like their take on current affairs and the occasional interesting article about music. I just got the aformentioned edition. I will read it an let you know.

4:38 pm October, 16 Et Tu Douche? said...

I like the fact that DB1 was involved in a lawsuit and after reading the pdf I tried to look them up and here is what I found.

http://www.tmz.com/2008/05/27/panty-clad-chicks-sue-over-reputation/

5:07 pm October, 16 Vin Douchal said...

The former Rolling Stone magazine was a trailblazing puplication when Rock ‘n Roll was trailblazing. Not only did the cheezy, diluted talent of the 80’s ruin Rock as we know it but also removed the fangs of this once great periodical. They had to discuss it as though it wasn’t crap because that was their audience.

.

Now ? Veritable lightweights discussing no-talent hacks. Hunter S is rolling over in his grave

.

The last pertinent thing they’ve ever said was in 1992 in their proper exaltation to Nirvana, the band that single handedly placed hair bands/synth rock/preening ninnies on the back shelf where they belonged

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I’ll bet you there’s been more mentions of the fabulous LMFAO music than say true genius like Steve Earle/Todd Snider/Shooter Jennings/Ryan Adams/Drive By Truckers/Wilco, etc over the last year . Nice photos, though

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BTW anyone notice Little Feat has a new album out and it’s quite good ?

5:15 pm October, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I hate Rolling Stone because of their campaign of snobbish indifference to RUSH. The Caresses Of Steel, The Necromancers, The Thinking Led Zeppelin, The Holy Triumvirate of all that is good and plenty that until this week I will not have seen for thirty years since Moving Pictures came out when I was 17. 17 and Tami the heartless bitch was 6 months away from chewing the heart out of my handsome man-child frame and leaving me for a rich married man. But she developed a terrible case of untreatable rosacia so I got that going for me. Cunt.

5:48 pm October, 16 hermit said...

Agree completely with Vin regarding Nirvana. That whole eighties Hair Band era was Rock’s death knell. I was never a “grunge” fan necessarily, but it beat the shit out of hearing REO Speedwagon do “Take it on the Run” for the ten thousandth time on the radio.

Metal, Grunge, Punk, Country, Reggae, Blues anything but that crap.

Plenty of good music now, even some Rock, but lots with no definitive genre.

6:55 pm October, 16 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Little Feat is one of the all-time underrated gems in American music.

7:03 pm October, 16 Douchble Helix said...

The Wiggas? I can’t even read your posts about those inbred pieces of shit.

7:36 pm October, 16 ehcuodouche said...

Oh, man. The Wiggaz. I remember when I first saw that picture I was gonna tell you all about one douche punching lesson I got back when my mentor Will sent me back to China to study with the legendary douche puncher Li Po.

Li Po taught me this punch after he’d drunk a little too much maotaijiu one evening. The little bastard made me cook every meal for him, so I enjoyed fucking with him in minor ways as revenge. I’d spike his fish head stew with grain alcohol, so he’d be pretty buzzed when I gave him his “health shot” in a slightly bigger shot glass each night. I don’t think he minded too much because willingly consuming too much alcohol is an offense to the buddha or something, but its not as bad if someone forces you or tricks you, I guess.

Anyway, fucker made me cook every night, and then just for shits and giggles he taught me this punch, then shot me in the chest with buckshot and buried me alive in a coffin, just to see if I could punch my way out with it. About seven hours and a lot of cursing later, I managed to get out and walked back to his house covered in filth. He was watching “Mama’s Family”. I was about to yell at him but before I could say anything he quickly said, “You interrupt my show, I will tear your gonads partially off and then fry them up for a snack while you watch.” Asshole.

Anyway, the punch isn’t good for self defense or anything. But it is good for decking two douchebags with a stupid look on their face straddling a hott. It’s got a Keystone Cops look to it, so if you can pull it off you’ll look like Jackie Chan or something, and for whatever reason Jackie Chan is the only kung fu guy most hotts know anyway (they don’t know Bruce Lee at all, go figure).

But its really difficult to get any force on it. Not unless you practice it for like seven hours straight sometime, punching your way out of a coffin.

Now I kinda feel sorry for Li Po. He did teach me some useful stuff. The last night I was there I spiked his fish head soup with about 1/2 pint of laxative. He didn’t see me off the next morning because he was crapping out half his colon, but I could hear him screaming that he would chase me to the next life and disembowel me, so I figure he still thinks of me from time to time.

He never found me because I left a forwarding address of this incontinence clinic about 2000 miles away from my place. I didn’t bother to go back and check because one time he told me about the time that this other monk insulted him and he waited in a tree for 5 1/2 years living off rainwater and leaves until the monk finally thought it was safe to come back, only to find out the hard way that you don’t piss off Li Po and come back to your house or he’ll wait 5 1/2 years in a tree to rip your head off.

Sorry, I digressed again. The punch is real simple. Walk up with both arms hanging loosely from your side. Walk up close enough and flash a goofy smile to confuse the douchebags. Then make fists with both hands and bring them upward with all your strength. Cross the arms about halfway up so that the right fist hits the left douchebag on the chin and the left fist hits the right douchebag on the chin. They should both crumple comically and you can then take the hott to go see Enter the Dragon. She’s gotta learn.

7:37 pm October, 16 ehcuodouche said...

Um, DB1. I think a post of mine is in your spam box. Posted it and it never showed up. Maybe too long.

7:59 pm October, 16 Rev Chad Superstoned And Mrs. is addicted to my weed. said...

I think ehcuodouche harvested his weed. Candy Crowley gave me a renoB.

.

Political Scientists

8:26 pm October, 16 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

RS has been up and down over the years…but apparently this is a new LOW. Featuring the Wiggas in anything short of thermonuclear mock is abomination. RS is probably making those choads heroes in the vanguard of the new douche generation. Sad indeed…

9:28 pm October, 16 ehcuodouche said...

Li Po was a Nth degree black belt in the art of Pud Wak Do, which translates to “The Way of Punching the Douchebag”.

Like most of those famous kung fu masters, guy was like 900 years old. One part of his training was to bore me with long-winded stories of the old days. Like the one time he beat up Marco Polo. He was meditating out near the Gobi desert when he saw this long trail of camels and crazy ass animals coming towards him. At first he thought he’d maybe snacked on some of the wrong mushrooms, but the whole train came up right by him.

They were crazy looking mofos, and the one guy who seemed to be in charge had yellow skin, a few tattoos scribbled on him, earrings, a bandana wrapped around his head to keep out the blowing sand, and this 100 pound watch on his arm. So Li Po just thinks, “Douchebag” and starts to pummel him and his whole crew of Guidos.

While the beatdown is going on a few of the women in the train poke their heads out of their carriages. Li Po stops, cause they’re these Italian/Turkish/Middle Eastern girls that have the biggest bazongas he’s ever seen. Chinese girls have a b-cup, tops. These girls have 40-DDs and would probably knock you unconscious if you tried to motorboat them, na-mean?

Anyway, long story short, before Marco Polo traded pizza and tomato sauce for silk pajamas, he traded his life to let Li Po hump tits until only air came out when he spooged.

9:29 pm October, 16 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Was that Candy Crowley or Paul Sorvino in drag? It gave me a non-renoB. Or is it an un-renoB?

10:00 pm October, 16 Olddog said...

I don’t hold RS respondsible for the state of music, then or now. They report, you decide. Anyway, I read the current issue, cover to cover. Not at all sure what you all are complining about. Just the usual stuff.. POP tarts and wanna be’s. I wish them all well.

10:12 pm October, 16 Stephanie said...

They report what? Like I want to hear about non music like Taylor Swift. They into selling magazines,not reporting the music I like or even listen to. They’ve gone Hollywood,and have been for 30 some years. I buy Mojo magazine ,at least it’s about music. I just wish it was cheaper…

10:17 pm October, 16 Vin Douchal said...

Speaking of media, why doesn’t anyone mention the Semetic hottness of Nicole Lapin, former CNN now Bloomberg anchor?

12:59 am October, 17 The Dude (remote loc) said...

Candy Crowley is the name of a cross-dressing porno actress from the 70s. huh?

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Sincerely, Andre Dawson

1:03 am October, 17 The Dude (remote loc) said...

Vin, do you really wanna know why no one mentions Nic Lapin? Really??

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I dint think so.

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doomsayers

7:55 am October, 17 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

This is the only thing Taylor Swift should ever be used for:

.

.

Yeah, see how well that worked.

7:55 am October, 17 Los Douches said...

Like Reverend Chad above, I remember. I remember RS slagging Permanent Waves. Moving Pictures. You’re going to rip on Tom Sawyer? Limelight? Spirit of Radio? Really? The two albums I just cited were albums that they weren’t worthy of being allowed to listen to, much less “review”. Jan What’s His Fucking Irrelevant Name had an axe to grind with our three Canadian superheroes, and he used it without restraint on every single album they’ve ever done. Watching them scramble to make amends by finally letting them into the Hall of Fame a good twenty years too late ain’t gonna cut it with the fanbase. We know the history and we are bitter. I’ve never bought a copy of their shitty mag, never will, not ever one with a heroin-eyed underaged bangable babe like the esteemed Ms. Swift on the cover. Fuck Rolling Stone, may they die in a fire.

7:57 am October, 17 Tanath said...

I cancelled my subscription (oddly enough I have no idea how I was subscribed, they just started showing up at my house in my name one day, for real) four years ago. Haven’t regretted it once.

9:44 am October, 17 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

What Vin Douchal said.

10:14 am October, 17 DarkSock said...

I actually came to this site because of an article about HCwDB in Rolling Stone; in fact it was the article that legal doc referenced.. So there’s that.

.

And by some oversight by Jann S. Wenner, RS publisher, Overlord of the R&R Hall O’ Fame, and avowed Rush nemesis…Rush is FINALLY one of this year’s nominees for induction into the HoF.

.

Verily.

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Sawyers.

10:15 am October, 17 DarkSock said...

Also, I’d like to poke my right index finger into Taylor Swift’s butthole.

10:21 am October, 17 Douchble Helix said...

Once.

11:15 am October, 17 Sir Huddleston Fuddleston said...

ehcuodouche for the uber-win.

11:55 am October, 17 DarkSock said...

Also, to be fair, RS in this issue does laud Ben Affleck for turning away from the path of “douchebaggery” he was headed down a few years back and into his current redemption.

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And by “redemption” I mean keeping little ol’ Jennifer Garner’s taut body swollen with his seed.

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I’d like to poke my right index finger into Jennifer Garner’s butthole. And the original Pink Power Ranger Amy Jo Johnson’s butthole as well. She kinda favored Ms. Garner. Just sayin’.

.sd

Poke Poke Power Rangers

12:06 pm October, 17 Stephanie said...

Rolling Stone’s Jann,

And by some oversight by Jann S. Wenner, RS publisher, Overlord of the R&R Hall O’ Fame.

Yes he seems to be deciding who gets into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame…and it’s a DAMN shame he cannot allow important people into the Rock And Roll Hall like:

Link Wray,Paul Revere & The Raiders, and many other early rockers.I think The Monkees should be in The Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame too, After all,their sales,their great songs,they were on TV after all….I grew up listening to them. They were HUGE!

I know everyone has their favorites…But Flush Rush. Geddy Lee still sounds ridiculous.

7:35 pm October, 17 Mr. Biggs said...

Yeah, I agree completely with Vin. Even the mainstream publications have agreed that the 00’s are the flattest decade ever for pop music. And Rolling Stone has no choice but to go along. Otherwise they get cast aside as a bunch of aging rockers. I’m sure their Ed Board is scratching their head.

Interviewing Riff-Raff is like ancient priests making prophecy by studying spilt entrails.

9:19 pm October, 17 Little Willie said...

I’d sodomize Taylor Swift.

12:22 pm October, 19 Mr. Biggs said...

BTW hipsterrunoff.com is a great satire of the modern day music industry. Good scathing riffs on buzz and the like.

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