Monday, October 22, 2012

I HAVE SUCH SIGHTS TO SHOW YOU*

We’re hip deep in October, my piggies. The air is crisp and the barometer’s dropping. Eviscerated pumpkins festoon our porches, every child in America will kick-start a life of insulin dependence with a pillowcase full of concentrated sugar, and the Christmas decorations have been in the stores for seven weeks. Sounds like Halloween to me.

And so our glorious leader, the DB1, in his questionable judgment and infinite desire to foist this floundering relic of a comedy blog onto someone else’s shoulders so that he can enjoy a few days of googling teen quartasian cosplay videos in relative peace, has tapped me, Baron Von Goolo, Master of Horror, Mayor of FrightTown and Hunter of ‘Bags, to regale you with a week’s worth of douchebaggery so terrifying, so soul-sucking, that your teetering sanity will have less chance of surviving than Kevin James’ post-Here-Comes-The-Boom movie career.

That is to say, not much.

Booga booga, muggafuggas.

*scary movie reference

# posted by Steve L.
7:48 am October, 22 I R A Darth Aggie said...

That’s truely frightening. She’s not particularly hott, either, but I’m willing to allow that it could be such craptastic makeup.

8:05 am October, 22 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Rather than Hellraiser, the picture is from the movie Bleethraiser. She is Hott in a rotting corpse, necropheliac kind of way. And by Hott I mean I’d let her cop my joint. Cop my joint, says.

8:10 am October, 22 DoucheyWallnuts said...

^ I says…

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We need an edit button, I says.

8:14 am October, 22 DarkSock said...

Baron Von Goolo week…It’s on now, bitches.

8:20 am October, 22 DarkSock said...

Not particularly hot, Darth Ag?

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I’d pee in her boils.

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I’d scratch the itches in her stitches.

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I’d put a haint on her taint.

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She’s a lymphomaniac; I’d do her tumor times.

8:21 am October, 22 DarkSock said...

Also I demand 10 points for Gryffindor for spotting the URC staff-topper.

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Hairy Pooters.

8:44 am October, 22 Douchble Helix said...

It’s already like one of those dubbed Jap flicks where Mothra takes on Godzilla, and the pixies give the narrative. With Pia Zadora.

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Horse-pee-ers.

8:52 am October, 22 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I just wet my pants a little bit.

8:57 am October, 22 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Von Goolo looks like he is holding an invisible Five Guys double bacon cheeseburger with the works.

9:10 am October, 22 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Awe Fuck! Rather than the Lament/Lemarchand configuration someone opened the Grieco configuration and brought forth the Cenobags!!

9:11 am October, 22 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Having fired upon many a Orion slave poons with my meat phaser I would probably do her if I was drunk on Romulan ale.

9:19 am October, 22 Capt. James T. Douche said...

@BVG Do I have to haggle with Silky McSwagbag, pimp of the undead and walking dead in the back there to acquire the favors of the green tranny for an evening or can I go through you directly?

9:22 am October, 22 Vin Douchal said...

Yay! Baron von Goolo !

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It’s like staying at grandma’s house when you got locked in the attic for making noises during her “stories” and spent your afternoon struggling to breath amongst the cobwebs and mold and hoping the weird shapes with sheets draped over them don’t come to life and eat your brains when it gets dark because there’s no bulb in the hanging light fixture

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True story

9:31 am October, 22 Douchble Helix said...

URC has seen better days.

9:35 am October, 22 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

Love the Baron von G, hate the Halloween hype….and constantly wonder (starting around Labor Day when it starts) just WHEN did Halloween get hijacked by adults?

.

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.Not that I have anything against slutty nurse costumes, but isn’t it supposed to be a day/night for the wee ones?

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Personally, I blame Elvira – Mistress of the Dark — although, even today, I long for a taste of her pale white cleavage — until I consider what a cobweb strewn, drooping, withered mess it must now be.

.

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.Give me Arbor Day any day.

9:43 am October, 22 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Dr. McCoy and I would very much like to suprise Spock with his next Pon Farr coming up, hence the green ladyboy.

9:44 am October, 22 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Choad, Cassandra Peterson from 2 months ago:

http://cdn.gofobo.com/files/imagecache/scale_600x600/uploaded/CassandraPeterson_thumb.jpg

And at the age of 61. USDA grade-A prime GILF.

9:54 am October, 22 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

Thanks Dude McCrude!

10:12 am October, 22 Et Tu Douche? said...

This is what Halloween has come to, drunken adults early in the evening with access to shotguns.

http://news.blogs.cnn.com/2012/10/22/relative-shoots-costumed-girl-after-mistaking-her-for-a-skunk/?hpt=hp_t3

10:16 am October, 22 Et Tu Douche? said...

Is it me or does Halloween and dressing in costumes make girls horny? I think back over the years and have come to the conclusion that Halloween parties & costumes equal fornication. One of my favorite memories was boning some Icelandic chick, who was studying in Boston at the time. Mmmm…….. Icelandic chicks.

10:25 am October, 22 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Choad, glad to deliver the good news. Elvira didn’t get her big break until into her 30’s, when common wisdom would have you believe it’s too late for a retired Vegas showgirl to make it. For that type of tenacity, on top of being hot and funny, she get’s mad respect from me.

10:55 am October, 22 IL Douché said...

Baron von Goolo. I bid you welcome.

11:03 am October, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

We’re not worthy!

11:38 am October, 22 Troy Tempest said...

BvG? Hmmm…Now THIS should be interesting….

11:49 am October, 22 Baron Von Goolo said...

It should. But I’m really tired.

12:03 pm October, 22 DarkSock said...

Don’t worry, Baron; crack open a teen neck, fire up the garlic bong and plow forth.

12:05 pm October, 22 hermit said...

Dude on the right with his bad face tats, split URC on a stick and Satan bling looks like a douche bag.

Unless there’s an undead exemption.

6:08 pm October, 22 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Baron week? Doth mine eyes deceive me? I approve most heartily, and laugh loudly in agreement like Brian Blessed.

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I wish I had more time to lurk the site, but work’s been keeping me annoyingly busy this year. And waking up every day at 4:30 in the morning has a way of corroding the soul, little by little. I comment in the threads so infrequently that I now feel a little out of place. Like a swearing Brian Blessed on a game show.

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