Sunday, October 28, 2012

THE END TIMES

My friends, it has been nothing short of an experience moderating this blog for you over the past week. We’ve had some good times, haven’t we? Oh, indeed we have. Remember that thing with the thing in it? I know, right? Good times, good times.

As for myself, I’m surprised that I’m able to construct whole sentences after the last two nights at FrightTown. Most people assume that Halloween proper is my busiest and most challenging night, a righteous crescendo to the month long run of a haunted attraction, but no. It’s always the Friday and Saturday before Halloween. Which means that for the last 48 hours I’ve been up to my coal-black nipples in PBR-soaked douchebags and prepubescent hoodrats, each one believing themselves entitled to punching or destroying whatever’s in arm’s reach, just because they bought a ticket. If it wasn’t for the parade of slutty costumes, I’d throw a fence around the whole mob, douse them all in teriyaki and go nuts with a snowblower full of bullet ants.

But the slutty costumes were indeed plentiful. And I digress.

I’d love to stay and chat but I have loins to gird and thousands more pants to fill with terror before I may rest. You all have yourselves a Happy Halloween. And if there are any Hollywood producer types out there reading this, and if you’re looking for a horror movie host to squeeze six seasons of fart jokes out of, you now know where to find me.

# posted by Steve L.
8:54 am October, 28 Douchble Helix said...

Let me start it, with gusto…

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clap…clap…clap…clap-clap-clap-YAY!!!!!!!

11:00 am October, 28 creature said...

that was really spooky!

11:01 am October, 28 creature said...

got any nekkid Elvira pics?

12:20 pm October, 28 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Just google, creature. She was in penthouse early in her career, and I think there are some later nudes too.

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There are also some Olivia Munn leaked nudes.

12:42 pm October, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Devoid of the usual Saturday Night ritual cause of the troubles, the fascist state broadcaster thrills me that it was not re-running “Bowel Habits Of Yearling Moose”, again. To my dismay however I wasn’t in the right mindspace to watch the 1982 The Thing. Well luckily I had pre-rolled some spliffs and stole some valium, and dilaudid from Mrs. Kroeger’s comatose grandmothers’ pill cabinet. So by the time the Norwegians were dead and mystery ensued I was hallucinagenic like a 17 year-old boy drunk and on acid seeing it for the first time. This time however I received anal on the couch and wasn’t dumped like a young Tom Cruise by a whoring Italian girl named Tami. How do ya like me now Tami with your skin diseases and philandering realtor yutz? I blow my nose at you, putana.

1:13 pm October, 28 Douchble Helix said...

“Received” or “gave” anal?

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Not that it’s really any of my business.

1:14 pm October, 28 Douchble Helix said...

Great video, btw.

1:18 pm October, 28 The Dude (remote loc) said...

The theme of the video reminds me, what happened to UNNECESSARILY SLUTTY BERT & ERNIE? waaah!

1:50 pm October, 28 Hermit said...

Stellar week by The Baron. Funny shit and slutty costumes are always good. If Sockweek is heralded by the Jaws theme, The Von Goolo Chronicles would have this for its theme. Which reminds me of sixties-era Halloweens-gone-by.

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Halloween 1967. Lyndon Johnson promoted UNICEF as a way to help the starving children in Africa and Asia. All school children were issued bright orange UNICEF boxes in school. We were instructed to collect coins while Trick or Treating for the unfortunates living in poverty throughout the world.

I was an impressionable nine year old living in New Jersey. Our next door neighbor Gail, was a troubled girl of fourteen who lived with her sickly mother. I was always impressed with Gail because she cursed more than any of the older boys in the neighborhood and allowed me to watch as she smoked cigarettes out behind the garage, even letting me have an occasional puff. I was also enamored by the tiny globular bumps protruding from her t-shirt, like pre-spring buds on a succulent, young maple tree.

Aware of her reputation, my mother was surprised when Gail volunteered to take my younger brothers and me Trick or Treating, but was glad to have an older kid along with us. Gail came to pick us up around dusk dressed in a home made pirate costume, complete with eye patch and plastic sword. As we set off with our empty pillow cases and UNICEF boxes Gail stopped at a couple of other houses and picked up more children bringing the total to five or six little ghosts and goblins in her charge.

At every stop Gail would shake her UNICEF box in the face of the homeowner while making an impassioned plea to help starving and destitute children worldwide. Our neighbors opened their hearts and wallets and gave generously, happy that Gail had finally mended her ways.

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We got back to Gail’s house and she instructed us all to empty our UNICEF boxes into HER pillow case so she could make sure it would get to The United Nations to help the needy. She patted our gullible little heads and sent us home with our candy. As I was walking away I glanced back to see her lighting up a Marlboro with a satisfied look on her face, still dressed in her appropriate pirate suit. It was then that I began to realize that maybe Gail wasn’t all that concerned about the starving children in Bangladesh or bringing much-needed medicine to the sick and indigent children of Africa.

1:58 pm October, 28 hermit said...

Forgot to close tags.

.@ DH 1:13

Give the Rev some valium and he’s down for anything.

3:16 pm October, 28 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

What happened to slutty Ernie?

4:23 pm October, 28 Wheezer said...

[And if there are any Hollywood producer types out there reading this, and if you’re looking for a horror movie host to squeeze six seasons of fart jokes out of, you now know where to find me.]

.

Six seasons? Baron appears to want to revive Jersey Shore…..?

4:35 pm October, 28 eyedouche said...

Kind of a let down for John Adams (1776) , the voice of KITT and Dr, Craig. William Daniels is better than that. Then again, glad to see he has a sense of humor…

8:38 pm October, 28 Vin Douchal said...

Every time I read Baron’s words this week Camarillo Brillo by Zappa was playing in my head. Can’t say why

,br>

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Great googley mooglie

10:02 pm October, 28 Et Tu Douche? said...

Mmmm…………… a Zappa reference,

10:35 pm October, 28 The Dude (remote loc) said...

Zappa’s band rehearses at my studio. Z’s widow won’t let them call their band The Mothers of Invention, so they call themselves The Grandmothers. That stuff is so much groovy fun, I keep expecting hott’s to just show up for de-bleething!

10:59 pm October, 28 DarkSock said...

Dammit…Flew to Cali Wednesday and forgot me laptop…

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I gots some catching up to do for Baron Week…hot diggity damn!!!

7:07 am October, 29 Et Tu Douche? said...

@DSock

Enjoy, it was a memorable week as BVG layed the hammer down and by lay the hammer down I mean he was killing it.

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