Thursday, October 4, 2012

Toxic Soup

A water sample sent to the CDC on 10/02/2012 reported back the following:

———–

Water — 38%

DNA — 11%

Puke — 9%

Poo — 8%

Saliva — 7%

Reproductive body fluids – 6%

Body fluids with the herp – 6%

Body hair — 5%

Jack Daniels – 3%

Cheap-ass Beer — 2.5%

Bits of hair grease –2.1%

Assorted sundry butt flecks — 0.9%

A rubber frog – 0.7%

The last shred of Cathy’s dignity — 0.1%

——-

# posted by douchebag1
11:56 am October, 4 Capt. James T. Douche said...

RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!!

12:11 pm October, 4 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

So the other ).7% would be….? My guess, Hep C, D, E, F, and G from tainted tattoo needles.

12:14 pm October, 4 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

After seeing his hat desecrated in such fashion, Alan Hale Jr. is spinning like a child’s top.

12:19 pm October, 4 Charles Smythe-Smythe-Smythe said...

What doest that sign in the right background say?

HA _ _

BLAST

12:29 pm October, 4 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

One of these douches is not like the others, one of these douches doesn’t belong… it’s like where’s Waldo, but you have to identify who isn’t affected by the Dream Act.

12:30 pm October, 4 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

They got 99 problems and a bitch. Son

12:34 pm October, 4 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Simmering in warm, green anal leakage is no way to go through life, son.

12:37 pm October, 4 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Every once in a while you’ll read in the news about some dipshit doing vodka enemas, or putting vodka soaked tampons up their post holes. And every time you read it, you wonder “who does these things?” This picture answers that question.

12:43 pm October, 4 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Take a good look at them people because these are what what is going to be deciding our future. “Hold on, wait a minute” you say. “No way. I vote, pay my taxes, yadda, yadda, yadda. These ‘tards will have nothing to do with how I live in the future (or at least until I die).” But unfortunately they will. Their ranks will continue to grow as ours dwindle over the years. What was once considered common sense is now considered as having above average intelligence. Idiocracy inches forward, unrelentingly, day by day, as more of them are born and more of us pass. We may have the (intellectual) guns, but they have the numbers and they’re taking over. Education is becoming less and less valued as more states want to tie funding for higher education into useless metrics like class sizes, student retention, number of graduates with jobs upon graduation etc. Who cares if the ‘tards have two useful brain cells to rub together as long as they have the bucks to get in? I see this every year as my institution of higher ed lets in more and more freshman each year. SAT scores and high school class GPAs go up every year but magically none of them can even do basic algebra (solve for x given 2x + 1 = 15) but most of them managed to graduate in the top 25% of their high school class? REALLY?! And then after four years what do we have? A small number who have worked very hard and graduated who should feel good about the hard work they put forth to get their degree. But then we have the rest who hang out for four, five, or six years (maybe more) that just like the insular lifestyle of being an undergrad and never want to leave. They’re what you see in the picture. “Yeah, me and some of my bros are gonna start a juice bar skate park. It’s gonna be killer, yo.” They will eventually find some kind of employment (gotta be a $30K millionaire to go to the clubs) and procreate to produce the next generation of slacker wanna-bes. The cycle will continue ad infinitum unless we start to take education a lot more seriously in this country. Sorry for the rant but I’m grading right now and I’m getting pissed off.

12:46 pm October, 4 The Dude said...

Yeah, but there’s boobies!

12:47 pm October, 4 Wheezer said...

Well Doc, I don’t think anyone here would disagree with the content of your rant nor the fact that it should be Comment of the Week

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Keep on ranting – it’s all truth. And give your class lots of Ds for “Douchebag.”

12:48 pm October, 4 Wheezer said...

Or maybe lots of Fs for “Fucknut.”^^ The grade should match the quality of the work, right?

1:08 pm October, 4 Dickie Fingers said...

The hottest chick in this picture is tatooed on the left bleeths ribcage. At least she has the common sense to keep her cooch out of the swamp water.

1:11 pm October, 4 x=7 said...

x=7. Son. Stoned.

1:11 pm October, 4 Vin Douchal said...

This is Lake Havasu, AZ. They have built a consumer dollar squeezing area around the old London Bridge. It’s kinda novel to visit. Then ten minutes into your visit, the crushing boredom takes over and you ask, “Why am I here?”

.

The best thng about this photo is buzzards are walking up behind these tools and eating/pooing on their food and tables

1:15 pm October, 4 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Doc B. nails it yet again!

1:35 pm October, 4 Vin Douchal said...

There are many perks to being “The Royal Electrode Adhesive Applicator To The Princess” for Pippa Middleton

.

British Royalty Ass Pear

1:36 pm October, 4 Douche Moore said...

Just another day at a New Jersey reservoir.

1:45 pm October, 4 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Captain Carmalita on the right looks like a good time. If by good time you mean drunk sloppy sex with a dirty sea wench who checks in around a duece on the scales.

1:49 pm October, 4 DoucheyWallnuts said...

What category would schmegma fall in? Schmegma, I says.

2:24 pm October, 4 Douchble Helix said...

Dream Act? I *guess* that would explain the absence of blonds.

2:30 pm October, 4 Douche Springsteen said...

Dr. Bunsen,

I can not agree with you more regarding education. I too work at an institute of higher learning. While I am not a teacher full time (my main job is making sure certain labs are operating smoothly) from time to time when there is a greater demand for certain classes, I am called upon to teach them. Granted it is a community college so I’m not expecting brainiacs churning out publication-worthy assignments every week, but the amount of students who are ostensibly high school graduates that do not have the grasp of basic writing/grammar skills that I had mastered in the 6th grade is downright shocking. Then there’s that ugly sense of entitlement that they should get an A just for showing up to 3 of every 4 class meetings and putting in the minimum amount of effort. I am often referred to as the “hard teacher” because I routinely send students to the language lab to get help with their atrocious papers, which I’m sure severely cuts in to their facebook/texting/gaming times, but I can’t just overlook it. And don’t even get me started on plagiarism. One student I had actually cut and pasted an entire paragraph from wikipedia. It was blatant because not only was it the only paragraph that was free from spelling / grammar errors, it was also in a DIFFERENT FUCKING FONT. At least when I cheated on papers in college I had the good sense to make sure what I was stealing wasn’t better than what I could write. I’m sure at a certain point I will get jaded enough and decide it’s not worth the effort and just let it slide. But until then I, like you, (at the risk of sounding like a pinko commie liberal) think we need to take education quite a bit more seriously. End rant here as well.

2:53 pm October, 4 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

^ @ DS

.

Thanks for the back up. I have no idea how you don’t slit your wrists, throat and any other body part with a major artery or vessel in it when looking at writing assignments. I’m a chemist and the meager amount of words that I hope they can string together to explain a concept used in a problem (Why did you get answer “x”? Does it make sense? Why or why not?) usually isn’t much but what I usually get amounts to “Derp, der, deeeeerrrr, …, ummmmm. Yeah.” And that’s the brighter ones. In the upper level lab class I teach, I see no improvement from the freshman year. I’ve been labelled a “hard ass”, “major dickhead”, “fucking asshole” (all on my evaluations) because I refuse to lower my expectations of what a college graduate should be and the way they communicate once they get out of this fine institution. I tell them (and of course they don’t believe me) that they will be judged based on how well they can get ideas across to others so they don’t sound like complete rockheads but it just bounces off their thick skulls (My example is to think about how to ask a bank manager for a start-up loan to get that juice bar skate park going). I go home exhausted everyday and I’m not sure why I keep coming back. At least when I do some training with my dogs they remember what they did last time and can repeat it. My students on the other hand can only seem to remember the cheat codes for Medal of Honor: Modern Warfighter and how to hack WasteBook pages. *sigh*

3:05 pm October, 4 Et Tu Douche? said...

Doc Bunsen FTW and by FTW I mean spot on and for the win.

3:07 pm October, 4 DoucheyWallnuts said...

There ain’t even no such thing as Street Smarts anymore. Like these jamokes in this picture here and the picture of the Finnochs from the other day that was wearing the neon clothes that was fit for a broad. Now I know my grammar ain’t the best, but I sure as shit know not to be showin up in a public place dressed in clothes that a dame would wear.

.

And some of these crooks today, Madon! Robbin old ladies, stealing sneakers from kids, snatching cell phones outta people’s hands as they’re walkin down the street. At least in the old days when we pulled a job, it was a JOB. Hijacking an armored car, pullin a heist at a fancy jewelry store, borrowin a tractor trailer that was filled with booze, that’s not just bein a crook, it’s bein a business man.

.

Do you think the families coulda ruled the construction, restaurant supply, vending machine and waste disposal industries if Mo-Mos like the ones you see in these pictures here was runnin tings? Am I right when I say that, Cuz?

.

And education is important, both the fancy book learnin stuff and the school of hard knocks stuff.

3:08 pm October, 4 DoucheyWallnuts said...

And Doc, could you get me some of them cheat codes?

4:19 pm October, 4 Douchasaurus Rex said...

I would just like to say yes to the one on the left with the tattoos. I dont know if its the auburn hair, the white trash tattoos or the giant boobs, but I would totally double bag it and hide a morning after pill in her pancakes the next day..

Im sorry, this soldier is taking one for the team. I am weak and unworth of hunting douchbags and bleeths in the wild. I just cant help it. C’est la vie good ladies gentlemen…

4:34 pm October, 4 Ich verstehe sie ist heiß said...

Someday we will have a Senator with massive chest and neck tattoos. Could be one of these guys.

4:47 pm October, 4 Wheezer said...

@Ich verstehe sie ist heiß, 4:34 p.m. –

.

Well, we already have the Annoying Orange as Speaker of the House. The rest of the ‘bag traits can’t be far behind.

6:39 pm October, 4 hermit said...

I believe the populous is becoming stupid due to over consumption of corn glue and poor breeding. Intelligent, prosperous people tend to have one or two children while irresponsible, lazy degenerates tend to have litters of a half dozen or more.

Like a champion stallion, I am the product of generations of impeccable breeding. Selected for intelligence, athletic performance and stunning good looks. And, as for my scholastic prowess, I’ve got twenty years of education.

.

I went through tenth grade twice.

6:43 pm October, 4 hermit said...

*corn GLUTEN*

Fuck wordpress

fuck autocorrect

fuck everything

.

What the fuck happened to Friday Haiku?

7:15 pm October, 4 Jeet Kune Douche said...

The four muck-skeeteerz in the rear are just slime mold decorating the background and are unworthy of any further comment.

But the chicas……..damn. The far left looks very, very, VERY doable except for that rainbow tinted skin infection all over her right arm and ribs. It’s like she’s trying to advertise the fact that she’s got 31 flavors of venereal disease, some of which haven’t been classified in the medical world yet. Next over, the Pocahontas chica – I don’t go for that look, buuuuuut I’d do her. Frantically, truth be told. Second from right – a bit skinny, and looks dumber than a chicken kabob, buuuuut I’d do her. Frenetically, I might add. Finally, the far right – Mizz captain vagina looks like she might be rather hefty under the water. Buuuuut……yeah, I’d do her. Might need three shots of crown royal first….

7:31 pm October, 4 Douchble Helix said...

I would gladly do any of them.

.

I am a pig.

7:53 pm October, 4 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I saw Douchey Wallnuts in “Jersey Shore Shark Attack” tonight as I was comforting my older fatter daughter after she had to learn to shave her legs and wax her moustache and the chicks calling her fat and shit. I told her fmother she was feeing her too much. Fuck! Fucking awful movie and 10 year-olds shouldn’t have to take after their mother with the hair thing. Fucking Sasquatches!

.

But I have an enormous amount of weed and may trade a bit for some strange-ladytime. Two or three semi-greasy ho’s tp get my strange on. What the fuck about the Haiku? Tomorrow? This is not the Jean-Guy I am looking for.

8:36 pm October, 4 Stephanie said...

The water is green,green where the alligators feed isn’t it?

10:11 pm October, 4 DarkSock said...

1. Corn Glue is an awesome band name

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2. 10 points to house Griffyndor, Huffin’Stuff or Slytherin’Snake for the one amongst you who can spot the 4 excellent band names in the following list:

.

Water — 38%

DNA — 11%

Puke — 9%

Poo — 8%

Saliva — 7%

Reproductive body fluids – 6%

Body fluids with the herp – 6%

Body hair — 5%

Jack Daniels – 3%

Cheap-ass Beer — 2.5%

Bits of hair grease –2.1%

Assorted sundry butt flecks — 0.9%

A rubber frog – 0.7%

The last shred of Cathy’s dignity — 0.1%

11:37 pm October, 4 Olddog said...

So, which one is Cathy?

3:28 am October, 5 hermit said...

With the possible exception of Water, the entire list qualifies.

.

There was a Swing Band in the forties called “Body Fluids with Herp” but it all ended when Herp died of an overdose at twenty-seven.

.

.

Korn Glu used to shred before they went all religious.

6:04 am October, 5 Douchble Helix said...

“There was a Swing Band in the forties called “Body Fluids with Herp” but it all ended when Herp died of an overdose at twenty-seven.” – hermit

FTW!!!!

6:30 am October, 5 DarkSock said...

Lake Have-A-Poo

6:38 am October, 5 hermit said...

Both Whiskey and Cheap-ass Beer opened for Merle Haggard at various times in the seventies.

7:08 am October, 5 hermit said...

Body Fluids with Herp Alpert and the Tijuana Ass

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