Monday, October 22, 2012

UNNECESSARILY SLUTTY COSTUME OF THE DAY

Ever since 1942, when Veronica Lake’s portrayal of a steamy sorceress in I MARRIED A WITCH released Margaret Hamilton’s hammerlock on witch stereotypes in Hollywood, there has been a subtle shift in the whole zeitgeist of Halloween.

Specifically, that year by year, inch by inch, Halloween costumes for women have become progressively hosebaggier by a factor of (and I’m spitballing here) not less than 2 and not more than 2.5%. This incremental (but compounded) shift was barely noticed during the events of WWII and/or was forgiven as celebrations of key moments in history (such as the immensely popular “Naughty Jonas Salk” costume of 1955), but by the late 1980s, the compounded momentum of this new paradigm had irrevocably altered the way that women between the ages of 14 and 40 perceived Halloween, from a wholesome masquerade intended to keep evil spirits from entering your body, to an overt slutfest with the express purpose of having all sorts of business enter your body.

As an expert on all things tricky and/or treaty, I cannot mourn the old ways. No, I embrace slutty Halloween costumes as the hallmark of progress. But now, with costumes some 390% sluttier than they were in 1942, there are instances where the Whore Train has jumped the Slut Tracks and civilians are in danger. So while you are choosing your slutty costume, please note that it should fall within one of the following categories:

ANIMALS (kitty cat, bear [teddy], ladybug)

MONSTERS (witch, zombie, vampire)

POSITIONS OF AUTHORITY (firefighter, cop, priest)

NAUTICAL/MARITIME THEMED (sailor, pirate, mermaid)

JOBS FOR WOMEN (nurse, schoolteacher, cheerleader)

JOBS FOR MEN (construction worker, lumberjack, President)

HISTORICAL FIGURES (Marie Antionette, Harry Truman, Cleopatra)

And while there are many, many examples of perfectly fine slutty costumes that defy these seven categories, there are many more examples of costumes that should not be tolerated in a polite society, and should never gone beyond being a bad joke in the costume company’s break room. Over the next week, we are going to look at a few of these.

Unnecessarily Slutty Costume Of The Day #1: SLUTTY OLIVE OYL

Turning cartoon characters into slutty costumes has an innate creep factor to it that no amount of ironic intent should be able to balance. Although admittedly, if the real Olive Oyl looked anything like this, I could at least start to understand why those two sailors were constantly beating the shit out of each other over her.

Still, failure. If you’re old enough to appreciate who Olive Oyl is, you’re too old to wear this outfit. Slutty costumes are a privilege, not a right.

# posted by Steve L.
3:48 pm October, 22 Et Tu Douche? said...

Baron Von Gooloo is a genius and this post should be mandatory reading, for who I don’t know, but it should.

3:49 pm October, 22 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I don’t think anything can be considered unnecessarily slutty, as by definition anything slutty is necessarily slutty. Costumes can be considered not slutty enough, but once the threshold is crossed, there is no other barrier. Kind of like you’re either pregnant or you’re not.

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Therefore, unnecessarily slutty is an oxymoron. Speaking of moron, we need more Mongor posts.

3:51 pm October, 22 Et Tu Douche? said...

Baron,

Will you be discussing other Halloween related topics? if so may I suggest Halloween songs? if so “Goblin Girls” by Frank Zappa has to be an all time top 10.

3:53 pm October, 22 DoucheyWallnuts said...

For that matter, a costume can be unnecessarily unslutty, not a double negative, but simply not slutty enough.

3:57 pm October, 22 DarkSock said...

I’d oil her olives, and she could blow me down.

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Spinachistas.

3:58 pm October, 22 DarkSock said...

I do appreciate this costume primarily for the fellatio joystick provided at the back of the subject’s head.

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Lewinskis

4:07 pm October, 22 hermit said...

I remember Olive Oyl. “Slutty” Olive Oyl is redundant. That skank would prick tease Bluto, then fail to put out.

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Traditionally for Halloween I shave my legs and groin, snort a few grams of bath salts and suit up in my Alice the Goon outfit. She was much hotter than Olive.

I don’t go anywhere, I just sit by myself in the hovel and scare the shit out of my cat.

4:08 pm October, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

It was 1984. My freshman year. Big fucking party with thousands of freshmen and freshwomen. This weren’t no high school party Cletis. It was 19 year old debauchery only the teen can appreciate.

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I was with a crew of pirates and we got in a fight with some doctors and nurses and one out of place naughty Pebbles in a loincloth. She liked my style when I flipped the table and the doctors fell all about the place after some accidental beer spray hit a few ladies of my recent acquaintence. We were smitten with each other. And by smitten I mean she liked my still bloody drunken self ear-piercing experiment and thought I was crazy and cute. I wanted young cunt.

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We walked across campus and went up to my room after leaving the madness of drunken kids. Smoked a blunt. Started talking about things in an awkward way and eventually the kiss followed quickly by groping hands and young energetic stoned drunken unprotected coitus.

It was great. I’ll never forget that girl and I hope she didn’t forget to get tested for chlamydia before she bore another prehistoric bangkitty. Son.

4:10 pm October, 22 The Dude (remote loc) said...

“Unnecessarily Slutty” is like “why did I just hit myself in the head with this hammer?”

4:10 pm October, 22 Douchble Helix said...

^^^ DADDY!!!!!

4:14 pm October, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I forgot to mention the kink of using the well-secured bone in her pony tail as doggy-style fuck handle.

4:28 pm October, 22 Vin Douchal said...

If your old enough to remember Bra! then you’re familiar with Douchebag Halloween antics.

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Each Halloween I love going around my typical “houses jam packed on top of each other” SoCal neighborhood with my boy to see where the hot moms live. I adjust my morning jog with the dog accordingly (bringing mini-binoculars where applicable )

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Oh and fat broad that dresses like Wilma Flintstone to answer here door each year : Stop. You look more like Fred than WIlma

5:16 pm October, 22 Et Tu Douche? said...

Slutty Olive Oyl has some nice cans, just sayin.

5:21 pm October, 22 Capt. James T. Douche said...

I never understood why Popeye was into this skeezer? She had baggage with Baby Oyl and no tits to show for it. I figured being a sailor and all he was nailing ‘tang at every port from Asia, ’round the Horn up to Spain and back across the Atlantic.

5:55 pm October, 22 The Dude (remote loc) said...

Hot moms! I just figgered it out!

5:57 pm October, 22 Wheezer said...

You guys forget that Popeye had some major league forearms and not much else in the body department. If he was hot for a bony 12-year-old named after his favorite lubricant, then you know what he had to be doing on those long journeys on the water.

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Maybe Olive is sick of having only Popeye and Bluto/Brutus lusting after her bones and wants douchebags now.

6:17 pm October, 22 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Aw man. Remember the live action Popeye movie from 1980 that starred Robin Williams as Popeye, Shelly Duvall as Olive Oyl, and Ray Walton as Poopdeck Pappy?

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Man. That movie was awkward. It put the whole thought of Popeye and Brutus taking turns fisting Olive Oyl in a new and disturbing context.

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Because really, why else would she date only guys with medically-anomolous large forearms?

6:41 pm October, 22 hermit said...

Being flat-chested and living in the shadow of the über hot Betty Boop left Olive Oyl feeling inadequate. She developed anorexia, became promiscuous and was hopelessly addicted to opium and malt liquor. Her numerous extra-marital sessions with Bluto left her vagina bruised and battered and her uterus resembling a butterflied pork chop.

7:29 pm October, 22 Troy Tempest said...

Slutty Olive Oyl? HA! Fuck off. Slutty Big Bird is MUCH worse:

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http://gothamist.com/2012/10/19/slutty_big_bird_costume_got_more_sl.php

7:31 pm October, 22 Troy Tempest said...

And all this was covered in the movie “Mean Girls”

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“Halloween is the one time of the year where a girl can dress like a complete slut and no one can say anything because it’s a halloween costume.”

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Y’all need to up the ante on your cultural literacy.

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spuds.

8:53 pm October, 22 Vin Douchal said...

Curly Stooge gets the last word

9:56 pm October, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

That Bob Schieffer sure gives me a boner.

11:15 pm October, 22 The Dude (remote loc) said...

Bob Schieffer makes me look forward to my 70s, when I’ve prolly been dead for at least ten years.

11:17 pm October, 22 The Dude (remote loc) said...

Bob Schieffer would do Olive Oyl, in his last heartbeat. Too soon? Not yet? Got it.

1:05 am October, 23 Stephanie said...

Can’t people make their own crap costumes anymore? It’s funnier because sometimes you have to ask what the hell they are.

1:18 am October, 23 Baron Von Goolo said...

Hey Troy – go fuck yourself.

1:59 am October, 23 The Dude (remote loc) said...

“Fuck handle”?? Thanks Rev

2:00 am October, 23 The Dude (remote loc) said...

btw, thanks Baron – this was some funny shit!

4:58 am October, 23 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I could go for unnecessarily slutty costumes of a sideline reporter, a debate moderator (masterbate moderator), The Pope, and other religious figments of people’s imagination.

7:40 am October, 23 DouchYouWannaDance said...

Would “Dominatrix” fall under “Jobs for women” or “Positions of Authority”?

8:25 am October, 23 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

This has been the topic of many deep conversations among me and my mates, who eventually figured out and won the Nobel prize for Halloween.

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It’s this simple. Chicks want to dress sexy and see how it works for them once a year, on a day when they know they can do it without anyone talking smack about the way they dress. But they are wrong. Guys are still dicks, and other chicks are still catty. Troy was only half right.

9:43 am October, 23 DarkSock said...

Someone please log “fuck handle” into the HCwDB Official Online Lexicon, next to “mudhorn” and “slurpin’ the doodi p”.

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We DO have an online douchetionary, right?

11:23 am October, 23 The Dude (remote loc) said...

‘unnecessarily slutty’ is an exalted state of being.

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A bath salted state of — huh?

7:35 am October, 24 Douche Wayne said...

The shoes are all wrong.

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