Friday, November 2, 2012

Friday Thoughts and Links

Comin’ up on the 2012 Douchie Awards! Everyone grab a boob!

This year the Douchies will be more of an intimate, small, homegrown affair. Just a few primary awards and a celebration of all the wit and wisdom in the threads that graced this site for another year.

Your humb narrs is figuring life out at the moment. Some projects ascending. Others crashing and burning in a haze of Hollywood sunshine.

Some friends up. Others down.

Rising and falling on the whispered winds of hype and imagination.

Seventeen years since your humb narrs was a doe-eyed NYU film major. Back when the future was bright, something something shades. Back when film smelled of glorious chemicals, and video was for local news. When woo hotties ran free on VHS in your dorm room without fear of internet infamy or public shamings.

Ah shit. I’m gettin’ all pensive and nostalgic again. Gotta punch myself in the groin, down at least three bottles of the ‘Train, and take it home with some Hostess Fruit Pie goodness.

Ahhh…

There. That’s better.

Here’s them links:

Average 25 year old British woman lives at home, hates her job, and has bad sex. Captain Obvious flies in and says, “What’s all this, then?”

Long time HCwDB reader SuperNorm produced a strangely hypnotic douche video four our amusement and edification.

Reader Douchey Wallnuts sings the praises of last week’s Baron Von Goolo week.

Even on Halloween, Champagne Katie can’t avoid the Batdouche.

Meanwhile, Benzino trains for the 2012 Douchie Awards.

Breaking: Peter Pumpin’head rides the subway, annoys old Asian guy.

And the Unholy Grieco pukes on canvasses.

Speaking of douchal legends past, when even country singers are calling The Mayerbag a douchebag, the case is closed. Bangin’ Katy Perry for the clincher (see: Brand, Russell).

While eagle-eyed master thespian Wheezer caught a surprising casting announcement for Bill and Ted 3. Yup. The Kadebag.

But you are not here just for a rundown of douchal legends and their latest scrotescapades. You are here for Pear. Here you go. You’ve earned it:

Tony Montana Pear

Off-Ramp Pear

But yet so on-ramp. Or rump. Or butt.

# posted by douchebag1
12:50 pm November, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Hunter eh Thompson said:

.

Nice pears but I was hoping for some Reverend Chad Halloween pukage. Son.

12:51 pm November, 2 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I think Champagne Katie seeks out the douche.

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And then there’s this, giving masterbators a bad name.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/masturbation/starbucks-masturbator-647093

1:03 pm November, 2 hermit said...

That DW talks just like Stephen Hawking I tells ya’.

Where the fuck is my Rev Chad hipster pic dammit?

1:04 pm November, 2 Vin Douchal said...

Fuck TMZ. Another reason those fart sniffing star fuckers suck. Shooter Jennings is not a country DJ. He’s a singer with a weekly show on Sirius Outlaw Country radio.

.

And he gave my buddy , Leroy Powell of Redlands, CA, his big break. Watch Leroy take this song out on lead guitar:

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Shooter on Letterman show

.

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Champagne Katie , meh

1:05 pm November, 2 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Off ramp pear is Sophie Turner. renoB alert!

1:06 pm November, 2 Et Tu Douche? said...

Please tell me there will be a John Largeman award? I’ve been working on it all year. Oh yeah Off-Ramp Pear FTW and by W I mean the extra wiping down that my laptop screen will need after I study said pear a little closer.

1:32 pm November, 2 Charles Douchewin said...

That Peter Pumpin’head picture induces existential dread.

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Usually pear helps for that. But this time I’d also like to see Rev Chad’s hipster pic.

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I think.

1:50 pm November, 2 Big Fan said...

The Douchies!!!! Yeah buddy! So psyched to lay the smack down.

2:02 pm November, 2 Dick Everhard said...

I just broke my renob:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/04/sophie-turner-model-sheer-skirt-thong_n_1855017.html

2:21 pm November, 2 jonezy said...

Baron VG terrorizing the natives again?

http://youtu.be/rjETUVZZGX4

2:58 pm November, 2 Big Fan said...

Dudes, this is so awesome! The f#$@ing Douchies! We are going to make fun of guys by dissing them in the comments sections of this website and then they’re gonna read these comments and then be hella shamed and then they’re not going to be able to get a boner to bone the chicks we want to bone. And then we f789ing win!!! But like, we’re still gonna have to masterbate ourselves to sleep at night. Because we don’t have the stones to ask out these hottttt chicks. Oh, man. That is a horrible f78438ing game plan, but who cares I’m f&**=ing drunk AND high!!!!

3:15 pm November, 2 DoucheyWallnuts said...

So, how about that Sophie Turner?!?

3:19 pm November, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Sophie Turner looks like boner melting morono-bleeth Kim Basenger. 100 points to Gryffindor for the name of Tony Montana pear.

4:10 pm November, 2 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Geez, I dunno there McCrude…stuck after a hurricane with limited resources except Sophie’s ass, mouth and vagina I think my renoB would be quite,healthy. Thank you very much…

5:03 pm November, 2 The Dude said...

Sophie TurnrenoB turns my head fo’ who!

5:04 pm November, 2 The Dude said...

^sho^ – bad typo

5:10 pm November, 2 A Real Live Woman said...

Right before I bone a guy or right before I swallow some guy’s creamy load I check in here to see if he’s featured here. And then I still blow him because seriously, hes so hot.

6:05 pm November, 2 A Real Live Woman said...

Seriously though, not to detract from the importance of the Douchies, but if a dude flips my switch I’m gonna have sex with him, not matter what gets said here. The woman is the one that chooses the mate so its pretty much a moot point. I mean I’m sure you guys are satisfied with just jerking it to pictures but I like a little bit of the ol’ in and out. So yeah, I guess thats the difference between women and men. And if I’ve accepted it you would be wise to accept it too. And really, who could ever top Stackhouse? Dude is legend.

6:33 pm November, 2 DoucheyWallnuts said...

So, how about that Sophie Turner?

6:37 pm November, 2 Et Tu Douche? said...

^ Damn I thought Nancy Dreuche was gone for good.

6:38 pm November, 2 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Oh, and I got me some stories I been workin on…

6:53 pm November, 2 Justin Timberbag said...

Benzino is a phony. That left hand he is throwing is posed. You can’t punch with your shoulder back like that. Total taintspudge.

7:23 pm November, 2 Reverend Chad Waiting For Piss Morgan of CNN To Suck Obama's Cock Said said...

I’ve got another $20 on Romney winning, due to my extensive experience in socio-political-economic-statisitcs shit, for someone other than @Et Tu cause I’m gonna take enough of his money. Sons. Where the fuck is Wedgie?

7:56 pm November, 2 The Dude said...

Waiting for DW stories!

8:11 pm November, 2 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Well Dude, since you asked….

.

I’m getting pissed with all these phony author types stealing my stories and writin books and not even gettin the stories right. I mean, I just read a story about some sfacim writing a book about Liz Taylor and her affairs and her threesome with JFK and Bobby Stack, and her affair with Mr. Sinatra. I gotta get me a book deal.

.

So Liz Taylor did have an affair with Frank. But I gotta tellya, while she was a real beauty she had a horrible snapper. Horrible snapper, I says. The public story was something like Liz got all clingy and too serious for Frank and he shut it down, but that ain’t the real deal. Plain and simple, her privates looked like a mangy muskrat. Mangy muskrat, I says.

.

Now just like a lotta these other high class Hollywood dames, Liz liked it in the tailpipe way before it was a regular kinda sex thing. And that was aces for Frank for the first month or so, but then he got to wondering what was up with all the ass sex. He says to me, ” DW, all that broad wants to do is bang ass,” he says. “She’s an 18-karat barn-burner but I think there’s something fishy about her bird.” Her bird, he says.

.

One night at the Copa Frank was gettin a hander from Liz under one of the ringside tables during a Sammy Davis, Jr. gig – “shuckin’ the Oyster,” as Frank would call it – and he made a move for her Sticch, and she brushed him off. So Frank finally says something and says to Liz, “Honeys, whattaya got, a golden one down there?” And Liz says if he wants to go there he better be prepared. Frank said, “Oh, I’m prepared doll face.”

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So later that night Frank calls me on the house phone at The Plaza and tells me to meet him in the Oak Room for a night cap. When I get there he looks like he seen a ghost.

.

“Frank,” I says, “What gives? You look terrible.” “DW,” he says, “I don’t know what I just saw and what I just did, but I don’t feel too good, and I ain’t never seen anything like I just seen.” He was as shaken as I’ve ever seen him, like a fag at the Bada Bing Club. I figures it musta been something pretty fuccin strange since I knows Frank banged every kinda tail there was to bang. I mean he banged this fat broad who used to hang out at Toots Shore’s place in Manhattan and she had this clit that stuck out like a big toe, and all other kinds of dames that was weird down below. Down below, I says.

.

Frank said he walked into the bedroom and she was propped up on the bed and she had a black cat or something sittin on her lap. Frank says, “At first I thought she was holdin one a her wigs. But I see it’s movin so I figure it’s a cat and she’s a pet lover and go to pet the fuckin thing, but as I gets closer to her I realize it’s her fuckin snatch! It’s fuckin hairy and black and it was fuckin moving! I almost fuckin puked.” And he was sweatin and pale so I says “Frank,” I says, “What the fuck did you do?” And he says, “I fucked her, whattaya think I did? But, it was fucked up. It was hairy and wet and movin, I mean like movin like it was some other kinda part of her body that wasn’t connected to her! Mamma mia, I thought I seen everything….” And he kinda just drifted off with a blank look on his face whilst holding his Jack on the rocks in his hand.

.

So the real deal is he called the whole think off with Liz Taylor cuz of her freak snapper. Freak snapper, I says. Like I says, I gotta get me a book deal.

8:50 pm November, 2 Stephanie said...

A Real Live Woman? Hell, a woman with a strap on could outdo Stackhouse. And furthermore,all your going to get from Stinkhouse is maybe the ol in and out,a disease,and then he’ll quickly forget about you,and gee,what’s so great about that,honey? I guess you’re forgettable. Why would you lower yourself to pond scum low? You must not value yourself too much,which is sad,really.

8:58 pm November, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Wallnuts, there’s no arguing with the renoB, so whatever works. I’m still jonesin’ for some more pics of Scarface pear though.

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@Real Live Woman, I know your trollin’, but I’ll bite just a little. Pictures don’t want to spend $800 bucks on bottle service and go out dancing until 5am. So yeah, I’m down for a picture every so often. You blow whoever you want, ducky, but any real girl I know is more discrete than than brag about it on a message board.

2:01 am November, 3 Douchble Helix said...

When the *heels* of a broad’s high heels matches her dress…

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Wait, lemme start again.

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When you notice that the heels of Off-Ramp Pear match her dress…

3:31 am November, 3 Douchble Helix said...

Here’s the two Pauline Gretzky pics side by side…

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http://img43.imageshack.us/img43/6397/twopaulines.jpg

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In other news, this is one crazy bitch! I think this site has gone easy on her on account you’re all a bunch of touque-wearers, and you consider her holy.

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Maybe not so much. Chamgane Katie has *nothing* on her.

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http://coedmagazine.com/2011/10/24/hot-sexy-paulina-gretzky-twitpics-wayne-gretzky-daughter-photos/#photo=31

5:46 am November, 3 The Dude said...

Wallnuts, I’d swear you are actually Elmore Leonard, or his son Peter. c’mon, fess up!

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Great stuff, I will buy the book. Hey, I bought DB1’s book, and my bookshelf has a bit of space available!

9:45 am November, 3 creature said...

re:pic

that Joe Namath, back on the sauce!

11:49 am November, 3 hermit said...

Rev Chad 7:23

Nobody would take that bet straight up. Give me Bronco Bamma plus twenty electoral votes and you got a bet. (I’ll have to pay you in aluminum cans)

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