Reader Mail: The Douche Detection Formula (Excel Version)
Reader Herpe The Douche-Bug distills the West Coast Fratdouche down to its mathematical essence:
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DB1,
While out with my wife today at a wine festival in San Francisco we came across many different local douche bags all in various states of douchecomposition.
But one thing become very clear to us over the next few hours. They all shared some very simple commonalities that could be plugged into a spread sheet to help the lay person recognize a Grieco virus carrier and avoid them.
Below i present to you, the “Douche Detection Formula” (Excel version).
=IF(AND(OR({city}=”SF”,{city}=”Berkeley”),OR({male}=”emo”,{male}=”frat boy”)),”Douche”,”Human”)
While this works well in our area I’m sure it could be modified to be used across this great country of ours to help stem the tide, or at least identify those in need of involuntary sterilization.
keep up the good fight
Regards,
Herpe the Douche-bug
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Consider it an extension of the Holy Writ from Joseph Smith’s lesser work, The Book of Moroni.
Good work, HtDB. A worthy tag, indeed.
What’s this guy, a San Fransisco Amish geek?
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The Fran San strain of the virus is heavily tilted towards nerdy guys that claim they don’t like fake tits.
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Nice tag, Herpe. That’s gonna leave a mark.
This Herpe’s got his head on straight. See what I did there?
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Bravo young Warrior, you have given me a second wind while in a typing marathon before end of term. Fucking old man in university, for the fourth time. And it’s all the greedy fucking mortgage guys that fucked it for me. Man that bubble was good for the biz. Imagine me starting a new job at 48 working for the luscious Mrs.Kroeger. I hope she bends me over the desk and finger-pegs me for being a naughty apprentice after we puff down a doob rolled in Pineapple paper for lunch. I think I’m getting a renoB. Sons. I’m sure stoned from the bong.
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Douche code, I like it. Well done HtDB and I hope your wine tasting with the Mrs. wasn’t ruined. Dbaggery & Old Vine Zinfandel’s do not pair well.
SF parent theme: “My son’ll come out tomorrow…”
SF>>NJ
That’s your formula. This guy is just a low level annoyance douche, and I’m pretty sure I could blow him off or ignore him without risking a roid fueled confrontation. I like that about him. She looks like should could get through dinner without burping and and puking, and she wouldn’t leave a grease stain on your pillow in the morning or some herp to remember her by. SF>>>NJ
The formula fails to take into account autobag. Scrap it and continue to hunt as we have for the ages-with skill and moral dominance.