Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Douchiest Celebrity Couple of the Year: Kanye/Kardouchian

The great Vin Douchal hands out the prize:

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If’n you don’t know who Emily Maynard and Jef Holm are, you are not qualified to pick the “Celebrity Douche Couple” for the 2012 Douchies.

This is a category yours truly was born to own and dominate.

Let’s start with the year in review and elimination. Beiber and Gomez, if you’re not a pimply 14 year old girl you shouldn’t care. For sheer creepy factor Olivier Sarkozy and Mary-Kate Olsen bring the goose chills. Just because your brother is the President of France doesn’t mean you can come grab up Ze Amairican Cheeks like some bottom feeding flounder. Got no problem with those May-December romances but the first time I saw a photo of these two together my urethra clamped shut for two days.

Heidi Klum managed to bring even more head scratching than when she married Seal by leaving him for her tattooed douchebag bodyguard. Listen, there isn’t a one of us that wouldn’t mind eating her strudel even with the thought of following Seal up that trail. Seal’s talent is inversely proportional to his ugly.

(Dis)Honorable mention to unmentionable Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger, the brother-sister duo Bobbi Kristina Brown and Nick Gordon and their upcoming nuptials (Blechh, I just barfed a little in my mouth), Katy Perry and anyone she picks to hook up with and Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy (although little is known about this dude, he’s a Kennedy therefore Auto-Douche, she’s been Bleethed out by Hollywood).

This year’s decision presented itself in a bacon wrapped dilemma on a stick. My distaste for these two people can only be measured in galaxies. Kanye West presents the exact talent level of lowest common denominator popular entertainment while Kim Kardasian has no discernible skill of any kind. Having a giant, yet shapely butt may be the only thing she could place on her resume. Also , it’s a good thing her parents are rich because it appears she cakes on about $1400 worth of makeup every day on that grille of hers

Punchable Kanye West… Where do I start? The elementary/simplistic/imbecilic music, the unearned cocksure stance, the live hijacking of the Grammys when he grabbed the microphone to say that Beyonce should have won and that they both lost because of racism? This even though he, Beyonce, Herbie Hancock, Corrine Bailey Rae and Rihanna all won up to that point. Whiner. Shrieking whiner.

So let’s reward bluster and butts and give the “2012 Douchiest Couple” to two of the most deserving douchebags on the planet, Kanye West and Kim Kardasian.

And Kanye? Get that f’en harelip fixed will ya? You’ve got enough cash duping 12 year olds to afford it.

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# posted by douchebag1
10:10 am December, 19 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Nice work, Vin. I’d still bang that chunky self absorbed Armenian train wreck. Teebus help me. I would do it.

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Gotta ask… did Russell Brand slip you a few bucks to keep him out of it this year or what??

10:17 am December, 19 Tits McGee said...

It doesn’t take a genius to mock Kanye West, but apparently it takes a genius to BE him.

What a jerk-off. Well done, Vin.

10:23 am December, 19 Douchble Helix said...

I defer to your wisdom.

10:26 am December, 19 Et Tu Douche? said...

There is so much wrong with these 2 that it boggles the mind. Narcissism is a horrible a thing.

10:48 am December, 19 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Who is Kanye West? I tells ya, if he’s an entertainer, he’s no Sammy Davis, Jr.

11:02 am December, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

A worse couple could not be found. She sure has a thing for the brothabags. And he has a serious case of

Assburger’s Syndrome. Get it.

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Misceginators

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11:05 am December, 19 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I don’t know who most of these people are. Vin must watch E! or that TMZ show with the angry left handed Jew lawyer. I did think for sure, and I’m saddened to be wrong about this, that we’d be enjoying some softcore Olsen porn by 2012.

11:05 am December, 19 Charles Douchewin said...

Well chosen, and well presented, Vin.

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I honestly do not know who Emily Maynard and Jef Holm are, or are supposed to be (contextually they’re celebrities?).

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I can only suppose because I’m paying attention, my outrage prevented me from paying attention to Emily Maynard and Jef Holm.

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Next thing, you’ll all tell me that blonde celebrity, (you know, the former child star) did that crazy drunken thing again – in public no less!

11:08 am December, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

If I woke up with Kim Kardashian the first thing I’d check is my cock to see if her toxic man lube burn my crane and wrecking balls.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEjyfWRTxFM

11:17 am December, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

And as good as Vin set me up to choose my HCwDB name The Reverend Chad Kroeger all these years ago, he has thrown me a soft one to launch some new horror I have been holding onto to son grace your FM easy listening stations into the New Year. Merry Christmas from Canada. Sons. And by Merry Christmas I been The accountant has my back taxes in before I get charged by the RCMP for criminal tax avoidance. And by Canada I mean were sorry as a nation for this:

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Live from a shit box somewhere in the Kootenays.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2Pe851gHgQ

11:22 am December, 19 Troy Tempest said...

well done vin, well done.

11:28 am December, 19 Charles Douchewin said...

Woah! Kroger FTFW!

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Look at that link people!

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It’s a Canadian “musical” ouroboros!

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Thank god nothing else like it exists.

12:45 pm December, 19 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Apropos of nothing, Hott Chick with Dutchbags:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NW7MiaobRX8

If you get bored, at least watch 1:25 for the wheel chariot perv.

12:58 pm December, 19 hermit said...

I’m with Dude Mc C. I have no idea who most of these people are and proud of it.

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I don’t know who Conway West is.

Conway Twitty, yep, Conway West no.

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Knowing Rev Chad was banging some chick named Avril is pretty cool though because she sounds young and hot.

Nice work Rev!

2:14 pm December, 19 Vin Douchal said...

Yeah, Kanye West is a fuccen punk. Kardouchian and her ilk make me understand Attila the Hun’s primary motive for destroying Persia

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Dudes, I know these people not from watching tripe like TMZ or E! . I know these people from sitting in front of a computer 16 hours a day with a TV on at the same time. I see these fuccers in real time

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The creepiness that is Olivier Sarkozy and Mary-Kate Olsen for some reason didn’t link up but check it out (if you’ve recently eaten, I apologize)

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Emily Maynard is the hottest, most wack MILF in all of reality TV. She’s been on the Bachelor and The Bachelorette. A glutten for punishment equalled only by her whoring attention appetite

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She is , however, as hot in a bikini as she is crying her eyes out, the little tart. Her southern accent makes the hair on my taint stand up and I have been caught more than once with my eyes closed in the throes of passion calling my old lady “Emily

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Yeah, I watch the Bachelor. Gay? Perhaps. But If I was able to be on a show where they bring 25 hot as fucc babes from all over North America to come fall in love with my weinie ass, I’d do it, too

2:44 pm December, 19 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Kanye has as many folds in his pants as Kim has in her labia. He needs to pull his pants up and she needs to drive her entire family to the Mexican border with an antique shotgun in the trunk. And by trunk I mean her ass.

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Well done as always Vin.

10:15 pm December, 19 DarkSock said...

I got something I’d put on Kim’s Hair Lips.

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FrankenSpurters

11:41 pm December, 19 Stephanie said...

Assholes on parade,I think you nailed it,these two are the worst no-talents. Black holes of entertainment right here.

9:17 am December, 21 The Douchetorious B.A.G. said...

I agree with this being the douchiest couple of the year, but his music is some of the best out. And whatever 808s and heartbreak was, it was great. That wasn’t the Grammy’s where he boosted Taylor’s career. That was the MTV awards. Think where she was before and where she is now…….They Kanye effect.

I have nothing good to say about the the chick who banged Ray J on camera.

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