Tuesday, December 18, 2012

HCwDB of the Year

This one’s for the whole enchilada.

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1: Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy

As I wrote last time, the dead eyes of a douche-shark and the tatts of an anal wart were too much to overcome.

And lets not forget Guggenheim 2023 entry, “Innocence and Poo Face.”

Barely besting the roidal rage of Orangudan and sexy slutty cocktailing Vegas Kim, with the Groverpocalypse also finding the support, The Jerksenstein/Cindy combo was both doucheface and artistic craptastery.

As Charles Nelson Doucheley put it: Sleepy Jerkenstein is easily the wrongest of the lot. The other two don’t create any rage. A tatted up Vegas bleeth deserves some roidhead who can only speak in grunts. Sarah deserves to spend time at Grover’s commune (actually, a bachelor apartment in Omaha) until Daddy finds out and cuts off her trust fund.

Or maybe retard said it best: Never before have I been so thoroughly disgusted by the difference between girl-next-door-cute Cindy and choadwank Sleepy. The thought of him pawing on Cindy’s funbags is downright repulsive. Fear God as the cheektats suggest? Nah. I might openly question why he allows bottom feeders like Sleepy into our world.

A solid first entrant in the wrongness between douche awfulness and sexy hottness, and well deserving of the finals.

But look who just entered the arena!…

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2: Benzino and the Unholy Pear Fondle

While Larissa may be headed to the Hall of Hott, And Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela came close to the upset, Benzino and Pear take the cake.

The Benzbag’s run was epic douchery. It began in March and picked up speed when Benzino mugged Soho Sophia in November.

From there:

Benzino and Brunette hott

Benzino’s Mongoresque Stare with Party Hotts

‘Zino working out

The Benz with Party Boobs

Benzino Poppin’ Pink Collar

Benzino Bites a Pear

And Benzino and Rich Girl Rachel Hott and Benzino and Rich Girl Rachel Hott’s Rachels.

And of course, for full douche pedigree:

Benzino with Peter Pumpin’head and Benzino with The King.

Wowza.

That’s a lotta Vegas choadwank.

As Guid is Good put it so eloquently during the vote:

Benzino has had the Yearly in the ‘Bag since birth. It’s like when Tiger Woods was banging a dozen cocktail waitresses at a time, everyone else is just playa’ing for second.

Benizno is purity of douchenozzle like rare this site hath seen. But is Benzino too “Paid to Douche” to win the Yearly? One more major entrant, and the voting shall begin:

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3: Kisseus Vomitorious and Margaret

From July, Kisseus had his epic run of grandious putridosity.

Witness the taint one more time: I should’ve stayed in bed, drunken makeout, Naughty Nape Nanine, fauxhawk spittle, seal nads punch, threesomes with Margaret, toxic Jesus chew, and, finally, a new rose tattoo.

Yeeeeeechhhhhh.

THEONETRUEDOUCHE explains his vote in the thread:

Every year I hate that I must vote in this contest-The contest shows that Douchebagery continues and we have yet to eradicate this plague from the earth. Each year we must resolve to continue that which DB1 began and to wipe from the planet this virus that eats at our soul. We dare not forget today that we are the heirs of that first revolution. Let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans—born in this century, tempered by war, disciplined by a hard and bitter peace, proud of our ancient heritage—and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing of those human rights to which this Nation has always been committed, and to which we are committed today at home and around the world. Let every douchebag know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty. This much we pledge—and more. Kisseus Vomitorious and Margaret.

Let this be our rallying cry for the 2012 Douchie Awards. For the finals are here.

Jacques Doucheteau agrees:

All the other contenders are amateur douchebags, douching it up like animals on the weekend only to return to a dulldrum life of hawking iPhone covers at the Sprint kiosk in the mall. Kisseus Vomitorious is a fuccen pro. He breathes, eats, and lives douche like Axe is oxygen and Blue Label Vodka is fuccen ass puss. Because he subsists on ass puss. Fucc dat guy.

And, as eagle-eyed long time ‘bag hunter Wheezer observes, K.V. also won a 2011 HCwDB of the Week as Tommy Pak.

But is K.V. just another Vegas ass choad? Well, yes. And that certainly doesn’t preclude his douchetidue with that level of hott counterbalance from winning the Yearly.

Now I turn it over to you.

The horrors of Sleepy Jerkenstein and Hottie Cindy? The tatted up greasism of Benzino and Pear/Soho Sophia? Or is it K.V.’s idiotic douche-abs and sexy Margaret?

This is it.

Vote, as always, in the comments threads.

# posted by douchebag1
7:35 am December, 18 Ted Brogan said...

This is tough. I voted for each of these in prior rounds. But I’ll have to go with Sleepy and Cindy. In the name of juxtaposition.

7:48 am December, 18 Charles Douchewin said...

No other species, and few of the 9 billion people on earth – possess the vacuous self-satisfaction of Sleepy Jerkenstein, who’s pull on (misguided) Cindy exemplifies the HCwDB dialectic.

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As for Benzino, awarding him (and PTP pear) HCwDB of the year is like giving a Nobel Prize winner another Nobel Prize – for the same work.

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KV IS douche. But is almost eclipsed by the hope-killing douchitude of the above.

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People for the Enthusiastic Appreciation of Rears.

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Juxtaposition, I says.

8:07 am December, 18 DoucheyWallnuts said...

My vote is for the old school douchebag, the standard bearers for which this site is named for. While Sleepy McJerkstein is certainly an egregious excuse for a homo sapien, he represents the top of the Scumbag variety of the Douchebag species. He is a sub-creature of the highest order, but of a sub-species.

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So, for me, it comes down to Kisseus or Benzino. A close call. These two are separated only by the distance between the molecules of Axe Body Spray vapors.

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And so, my vote goes to Benzino. For me the quality of his pear was top-notch, his body of work second to none, and his appearances with Peter Pumpinhead and The King shows that he can stand next to the giants and still be a noteworthy Douchebag in his own right.

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Kisseus came close; close, but no Douchie.

8:07 am December, 18 The Dude said...

Benzino FTW, and I hope he gets his award delivered swiftly the area where his brain would be.

8:22 am December, 18 Dickie Fingers said...

I find Sleepy slightly more repugnant than Benzino.

8:35 am December, 18 Ol' Dirty Douchebag said...

I’m not quite sure Sleepy’s rocking all 46 chromosomes so while I voted for him in the first bracket, my attorney has advised me I might run afoul of the Americans with Disabilities Act if I continued to bring attention to him/it.

For exceptional volume of work, facial fung, quality of tail, and facepunchability, the winner is Benzino.

8:45 am December, 18 jonezy said...

While Benzino is the clear choice (have we ever had a DBotY without more than 5 pics in his repertoire?), I just can’t get over the sweet scintillating aura of Cindy, juxtaposed to the most foul, beat your fucking head against a wall, WTF is going on here, there is just no fucking way!? I mean, that’s got to be his sister right? Why the fuck else would she get that close to anyone that looks like that? Did they meet online? Maybe it’s her brother’s best friend that she’s known since she was 8? Fuck me all to hell- Jerkenstien.

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Sleepy wins by an eyelid tatt.

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And you know what else?

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FUCK Fish Slap!

8:49 am December, 18 DarkSock said...

DoucheyWallnuts stated it so eloquently. To opine further on Benzino would be repetitive. Repetitive, I says.

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But I will anyway.

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Sleepy gets the rage cooking, mainly because his filthy sloth hands are soiling sweet wholesome Cindy, for whom I would eat boiled eggs out of her heather-scented turd cutter. But he is a slacker douche; a drooping wall decoration in the Hall of Douche.

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The Douche is Strong with KV. He is a Captain in the Army of Doucheness (ret.), no doubt. He pulls the hott, and he struts around with his rooster coif, literally resembing a walking cockk. And by cockk, I mean prick. Son. Son, I says.

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But come th’ fuck on, folkes…in that Douche Army we have photographic evidence of Benzino standing next to a couple of 4-star generals: would-be Pumpy Peter PumpinHead and The King. One ponders whether or not Benzino whacked Fish Slap (fuck him) to ascend to their strata. And by “whacked” I mean a $20 handy out behind the club. And of course we have his unholy fondling of a pear so belovedly perfect I just want to eat savory tapas treats off of it, and then do things to it that are expressly frowned upon in the King James bible.

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Hence…Benzino FTW.

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Son.

8:50 am December, 18 DarkSock said...

Great minds, Jonesy…

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Great minds, I says.

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Son.

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Son, I says.

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Stepchild.

9:00 am December, 18 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Benzino reduces even the most reveling of douchebags to mere amateurs!

9:09 am December, 18 Merle Baggard said...

Benzino, he’s rubbing our faces in it. And, I wish I could rub my face in it.

9:16 am December, 18 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

To be douchebag of the year, you have to ooze attitude as well Axe body spray. I don’t want to give it to Sleepy only to find out he can’t fulfill his duties because he is recovering from a recreational third-world lobotomy. Douchebag of the year should be someone who you want to lobotomize with the backside of a clawhammer, not someone who has already been there, done that.

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I may be alone, but Kisseus fills me with ‘meh’. Sure, I’d run him over if I saw him crossing the street… but I’m sorry, I just wouldn’t go through the effort of chasing him onto the sidewalk if it came to that. He just doesn’t do it for me. Tough break for Nanine, who has the star quality Kisseus lacks.

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Benzino for the win/loss/whatever. The man popped a pink collar, for goddsake. He took a pic of himself punching a heavy bag that I’m gonna say would be the odds on favorite over Benzino in a 3 round fight. He contaminated more hotts than the Ganges river. End the freakin’ world already. I’m done.

9:19 am December, 18 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

And a nomination for Filthy Gorgeous Michaela in the HoH. As far as I know, there is no hygiene requirement.

9:32 am December, 18 Tits McGee said...

I usually say dance with the one who brung ya, but I forgot how I got here. Originally I was gonna go with Sleepy and Cindy but still be happy when Benzino takes it home. Upon closer inspection, however, I have been convinced of a new path.

Sleepy instills rage, that is for sure, but we cannot allow our decision to be manipulated by that rage. Sleepy is just a handful of a three-bodily-fluid-cocktail that a person wipes on the prison shower tile after being forced to give up his cocktail fruit. Sure, the juxtaposition with sweet, endearing Cindy is berserker-inspiring, but he will not amount to anything and is, thus, nothing to worry about, deserving no accolade. The only people that will love him in the near future will have to do so through two inch-thick plexiglass.

Kisseus Vomitorious is a distant third. This cartoon character of a mammal leaves me confused as to whether I should laugh or weep at the result of natural selection. Based on his history, we can see that he is pulling semi-decent talent, but there is a chink in his ever-present armor. Given the opportunity (and by “opportunity” I mean “a penis bigger than a half-a-ladybug”), he would prefer to penetrate himself much more than your girlfriend or any female for that matter. He is of no consequence.

This year I am voting not with rage or disgust, but concern. Concern is a powerful form of fear which has been concentrated and forged by careful rationalization. I am CONCERNED that someone like Benzino will affect my life in a negative way. He has all the signifiers of a douche and just permeates and lingers like a lima bean fart. While giving the finger to higher-quality tail than I will ever see, HE is the one posing in his odyssey of vain narcissism. He must be stopped. He deserves a belt sander to the face while assurance of his menacing nature is being piped into his ear by the voice of Roseanne Barr. Stick the Douchie in this jerk deep then lets go find him for real.

*grabs torch and pitchfork* Who’s comin’ with me?

9:36 am December, 18 Tits McGee said...

@Dude McCrudeshoes – as per usual, you are in my head. The vehicular manslaughter comment made my morning. And I must second for Michaela.

9:52 am December, 18 Vin Douchal said...

This bracket is in “D” minor, the saddest of all keys. It brings additional blackness to our already jilted souls.

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3rd Place- Words tattooed right there on a face amongst other stark anti-social markings yet, a hott of the heart melting variety. Not a club Bleeth nor a silicon creation pseudo-beauty but an actual really pretty gal.

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There’s more to Sleepy than a dimwitted gaze through a poorly illustrated body/canvas, surely. Surely, they converse. They connect at some point. Some common ground has been met. Makes one ask “What is wrong with her?”

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2cd place-Well worked abs topped with not a mohawk but a rooster comb. Dedication to a cause is good. Even dedication to your own health, I wouldn’t mind looking in the mirror at some well defined abs.

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Then I’d put on my shirt and leave the vision of my abs to myself. Or the occasional beach visit/pool party.

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Uninvited guests are inevitable anywhere in life. Someone sitting too close on a park bench or someone coughing/sneezing without covering in the doctor’s waiting room (Gah, who KNOWS what infectious phage conduit they could be?) or that bratty kid next booth over in a restaurant looking at you with gobs of boogra’s smeared under their nose as you try to eat your oysters.

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Inevitable, I says. But Kisseus is the answer to a question nobody asked. Dude, nobody fuccen cares what ya got under your shirt. If we’re at a pool or the beach, we have given our approval for you to be on display. Anywhere else, not so much, huh?

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FTW- Benzino is oblivious to his own aura.

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Regardless of whatever day to day successes Bennie may acheive, his inner boy is looking for approval from a group of friends he doesn’t have, never will have, never will have him.

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Question: How annoying do you suppose Benzino is in person?

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Answer: Guaranteed to be the most annoying, tiring, self absorbed, preening, talentless obnox in any room he’s in.

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Camera’s were not invented for this. They were invented so Grandma could sit you on her lap and flip through yellowed black and whites telling you about your ancestry or for capturing precious moments that chronical children through the years of extreme/glorious change or for bringing images of our favorite entertainers in action/posing/arriving at galas

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Benzino needs to unlearn a lesson of his youth: Stop sharing so much. No more photos, no more of the inner workings of the clock that makes your feeble existence here on earth our business

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Get out of our business, Benzino. Congrats, you’re a raging Douchebag

10:08 am December, 18 hermit said...

Benzio is the prototypical douche and despite UPF’s fine rump she looks like she belongs in Vegas with the likes of Benzio. As long as they stay there it really causes no harm. Just another turd floating around in an already overflowing Port-o-Let®.

I thought Kisseus, aka The Abdomenal Show-Man, had it won but Margie just can’t cut it in the Hott dept.

Really it’s all about the dichotomy. Sleepy, with his pathetic display of faux gang tats and apparent narcolepsy, groping innocent Cindy is wrong on all levels. For Cindy represents all that is wholesome and pure. A delicate and virginal flower petal which should be left to grow and flourish as nature intended.

10:13 am December, 18 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

Sleepy has had this award written all over his face ever since he first appeared here.

10:15 am December, 18 Red Headed Woman said...

Sleepy Jerk and Cindy.

10:17 am December, 18 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Whoa, these are troubled times. Any one of these retards with a chick, a gun, or a voting ballot is a scourge to the evolution of mankind. Do I pick a random retard? Do I pick based on subjective observation of their relative intelligence? Or do I pick the festering shingles of a european (no respect) Mulatto chicks (respect) labia majora.

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Sleepy grew up in a meth trailer, tattooed, and thrown out on the street when the trailer burned after his mother douched her ass with a Drano-epinephrine smoothie. Benzino was obviously a victim of “Shaken Baby Syndrome”. And by shaken baby syndrome I mean the repeated pounding of pimp slapping cocks in a back alley when his mother was in her fifth trimestrer. And KV grew up with WHAM and the drummer from a Flock Of Seagulls. Do I categorize them like so many Aspbergers children as disabled? Or do I look at them as human excrement? Just plain poo?

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As the dear departed Carnac The Magnificent, former financial advisor to the Greek governement and soothsayer once opined in his prognostications, “The retard mongoloid in lots of club pictures with a stupid hat, tatts, and damaged frontal lobe”. The question he answered of course is “Who is Benzino, Son””

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Let it be Benzino for the end of times DBOTY. Son.

10:18 am December, 18 Blind Squirrel said...

Sleepy looks like a piece of scratch paper you use to get a pen working again. His smug look makes me sick.

Cindy, whatever your dad did to you, please run to a therapist and get your head put on straight.

He sucks and has my vote FTW.

10:22 am December, 18 Bag Margera said...

If I were to vote on the general amalgam of everything this website is meant to point at, then Benzino would definitely fit the bill. But quite frankly, I’m jaded. I’ve seen it all before. He pursues through the same clubs, and the same pool parties, mixing it up with the same woo-hots, knob-hobbing with all the same familiar faces. He’s not original, he brings nothing new to the table. I don’t even view him as a threat to my reality. He lives in his own world of Vegas denial with women of nice looks, but no substance. I can’t even bring myself to hate him or care about what is happening in his world. I find my own reality much more interesting.

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Jerkinstein and Cindy however should not be possible. My mind just simply cannot comprehend any scenario where Sleepy slips his gangrene limb around her shoulder, and she doesn’t immediately shriek in horror, push him away, and never return to that terrible place ever again. Oh what terrible things her stepfather must have done to her, to kill her self esteem, so thoroughly. I am steadily getting more and more depressed, the longer I stare at that picture.

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It’s no contest for me. Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy for HCWDB of the year. The douche plague is an ever evolving, ever adapting virus. And while the antibodies of mock have thoroughly trashed Benzino, and all of his ilk, Sleepy’s paws on Cindy make me deathly ill, and there is nothing I can say to make it all better.

10:34 am December, 18 FredN. said...

Benzino. Just want to keep smashing his face over and over. Or do the ole American History X routine and have him bite the curb and kick his head. Plus the pear is so fine.

10:47 am December, 18 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

Kisseus Vomitorious and Margaret for the win- Does the winner get to sit in that special throne with wrist and ankle straps that gets all sparkly?

10:49 am December, 18 Et Tu Douche? said...

Having become numb to the peacokery spectacle of the proto douche I can no longer summon disdain towards them. KV & Benzino, the skanks they attract, are well suited for each other. Their arrogance, narcissism,self loathing & instant gratification will be their downfall. I for one would like to tell them it’s not too late to live a meaningful life but you know what? fucck them.

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I’m going with the HC for my vote that being Cindy and her naturals. Sleepy is a mess, while not a typical DB, he macks on the Hotts and this vexes me, vexes I says.

10:56 am December, 18 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Hermit & Bag Margera,

Thanks for putting into words what my confused & tattered brain could not. You speak the truth.

11:44 am December, 18 Bflak said...

I could give a flip about the douches. They all suck. But Cindy, Cindy is ridiculously cute.

11:48 am December, 18 hermit said...

^ Thanks Et tu, but I think Charles Nelson Douchley wins in the brevity department.

Nice

11:49 am December, 18 Duck Duck Douche said...

Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy

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Because protecting Cindy from Jerkenstein is why we’re here.

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Or boobies.

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I forget.

12:10 pm December, 18 MoeDouche said...

Benzino because he was spotted fondling a pear. GOD, that DBag makes me mad!

12:56 pm December, 18 Douchey Pants said...

Sleepy and Cindy. While the others are super-douchey, he looks like his choadity is sucking the life force from his fat body. He’d be better off dead, for our sake and his.

Cindy’s bizarre innocence creates a hellish juxtaposition.

1:19 pm December, 18 Douchble Helix said...

Look, Benzino’s body of work is pantheon-level. But voting for him is like rooting for the Yankees. He traveled to Vegas to study under the masters. He’s a trust fund puke. Dime a dozen

But look at that sack of shit, Sleepy. Clueless, but original. And a great hott. All three are (un)worthy. But Sleepy commits, motherfuckers. And you can’t sleep that shit off.

1:20 pm December, 18 dB said...

Gotta go with Kisseus Vomitorious and Margaret although the pear is really enticing.

1:48 pm December, 18 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Not to derail the thread or anything, but what do you think Sleepy does for his day job?

1:54 pm December, 18 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

@DoucheyWallnuts

Time

1:57 pm December, 18 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Wallnuts, almost 100% probability he’s some type of rapping yokel. Yokel I says.

1:57 pm December, 18 SonnyChibaChoad said...

Benzino FTW…He is the Brian Trottier of douches. Two-Way playa, all of which will end in multiple, overlapping bankruptcies.

2:07 pm December, 18 Colossus of Choads said...

It must be Benzino.

Eurgh.

2:25 pm December, 18 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

This is a really tough call. Last couple years, come on, Gynochin and Stackhouse ran away with it. No contest. This year, we have three truly deserving candidates. The voters will decide. Let the best (worst) win.

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I gotta go with Benzino. Pictures with the King and Peter P’head sealed it for me.

3:22 pm December, 18 Los Douches said...

Benzino and the Unholy Pear Fondle, because I cannot get enough of that pear.

3:43 pm December, 18 DF said...

Benzino deserves it. The shame.

4:09 pm December, 18 Stephanie said...

Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy,the shame of the face says it all. The commitment to utter stupid is beyond the voting this year. He’s a complete waste of space. And poor Cindy,his hands are practically around your neck,run sister,RUN!

4:13 pm December, 18 skrag2112 said...

Pear Fondle for the ass.

Benzino for being an ass.

4:22 pm December, 18 Crazy-Sexy-Douche said...

Benzino for HCwDBotY: he is the result of cross-pollinating an ex-yakuza dropout and a young j-lo ( http://img2-2.timeinc.net/people/i/2010/news/100621/jennifer-lopez-4-240.jpg )

4:37 pm December, 18 Guid is Good said...

Book the cabana – it’s in the douchebag. No longer will Benzino have to party with the King and Peter Pumpin’ knowing that he don’t got what they got. Benzino’s time has come. All hail Benzino!

5:25 pm December, 18 douche equis said...

It all comes down to this . . . per my usual rule I will eschew reading the humorous commentary above until I have cast my vote . . .

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which I am casting for . . .

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Sleepy and Cindy. As if my prior comments didn’t make that clear.

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Ah me. Benzino is posing as a douche . . . he is a meta douche at best . . . he is a useless shoe-scraping turd, yes. But not enough of a douche. Nice hott though.

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Kisseus is pretty impressive, but generic, and almost entirely lacking in signifiers — once you get past the ‘hawk (or whatever that is), the GSR, and the glasses, what have you got? Not even an undie poke, but just straight up undies. No homo. And his nott doesn’t cause the slightest stirring. Not even the slightest.

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Leaving us with Cindy, regarding whom I would gladly do something humorously described to something disgustingly described in order to have a lovingly described near-miss opportunity to come in contact with something of a hilariously almost connected to her in an indirected and absurd way thing or other and abase myself completely. And that idiot with writing on his face.

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Sleepy for the win, Cindy for the next ex-Mrs. Douche Equis, and Happy New Year to y’all.

7:12 pm December, 18 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

I vote for the Sleepster. Benzino is a more classic choad, but the absolute FAILURE of the Sleepster makes him the winner (LOSER). Plus Cindy is home town HOTTTTT.

7:50 pm December, 18 Morbo said...

Kisseus and Margaret just do nothing for me. They’re the Ralph Nader or Ron Paul of this most important election. They might siphon a few votes and appeal to the wackos, but not enough to make a real difference.

So, that makes this a two-horse race.

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Benzino has an impressive body of work, but something seems … “off” about it. He’s either trying too hard, has photoshopped himself into classic HCwDB moments ala Forrest Gump, or has obviously studied the ways of the douche like Luke Skywalker learning from Yoda.

Let us count the ways.

1) The Arthur Kade “Look, I’m a tough guy!” punching of the heavy bag.

2) The ass bite move.

3) Pink collar.

4) Angry stare.

5) Horrible tats coupled with the confused, possibly paid or drugged hotts.

It’s like this man’s life goal is to win the yearly, almost to the point of desperation. He has hit every checkpoint. This behavior should not be rewarded. If he loses, we’ll either get more pictures to mock or he’ll drown himself in a vat of Axe. Either way, if he loses we win.

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Which brings us to Sleepy and Cindy. These two are what HCwDB should be.

Wholesome Cindy, whose perfect auburn hair inspires soft melodies.

Sleepy, whose face reminds me of the margins of my ninth-grade algebra notebook.

I mean seriously. What. The. Fuck!?

I’m reminded of the time I saw a guy in Wal-Mart wearing a T-shirt bearing the slogan “Real Men Eat Pussy” (true story, I swear).

What kind of thought process would lead you to not only decide it’s a good idea to get your face tattooed, but to put in the effort to take the No. 56 bus to the seedy side of town to get it done, and then pay money that you stole from the register at the end of your Taco Bell shift to get it all done?

Cindy’s chance encounter with this freak is not what she envisioned when her wannabe goth friend Angela said, “Omigod, you have GOT to meet Todd! He is SO cool!”

It’s nothing a long, hot, soapy shower and a lot of very intimate scrubbing can’t rinse off. Preferably with cameras filming so we can verify the process.

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Sleepy’s shame, however, shouldn’t be that easy to dismiss. This is a man (for lack of a better term), who would genuinely be pissed off at being named Douche of the Year. Unlike Benzino, who would certainly create his own Douchie trophy out of used Zima and Kristal bottles, Sleepy would be alerted to this honor by one of his other douchey buddies and they’ll laugh at his expense. Sleepy will feel shame for a few minutes, ponder his life choices, then take another bong hit and get his balls tatted up.

That fleeting moment of shame, however, is enough. Sleepy Jerkenstein should — nay, MUST — bring this home. It won’t make a difference in the world, but it will not honor douche culture the way a Benzino victory would.

It’s not too late, brothers and sisters. Join me in voting Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy FTW.

7:56 pm December, 18 macsorleymcscrote said...

So much douche so little time. How is one to decide? Sleepy Choadendouche screams perpetual joblessness with face art that rivals the repulsiveness of vomit encrusted poo. Benzino, with his horse jockey height and Harry Caray sunglasses, his childlike hands fondling such fine pear, makes me long for the end of mankind. K-Vom shows off his underwhelming ‘roid package through his stripper booty shorts while exhibiting overwhelming baggery with that sharkfin mousse art ‘do. I vote for Sleepy. And I just threw up a little in my mouth.

8:16 pm December, 18 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I’m pretty sure I picked Sleepy McChoadestain of Clan McChoadstain as the likely yearly winner. And by winner, I mean Mayan calendar death and destruction.

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Hotts and geeks living together in the streets, mass hysteria, the seas boiling, the dead rising, 40 days of darkness. But can I pick ‘em or what?

8:22 pm December, 18 Troy Tempest said...

I also have to go for Sleepy. Benzino (And his crowd – the King, Peter Pumpinhead, etc.) are professional douchebags. They know they are douchebags, and they don’t fucking care.

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Sleepy actually thinks he’s cool.

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Also the difference between Benzino and Bleethy Butt is minimal – she’s a sleaze. With a nice butt. Cindy is fluffy kitten sweetness – light years away from Sleepy.

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So, it has to go to Sleepy.

8:23 pm December, 18 Billy The Scrote said...

BENZINO NARROWLY WINS

9:47 pm December, 18 The Dude said...

Troy makes an excellent point. However, I’d rather look at “Unholy Pear Fondle” once the world has ended.

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I continue to ~vote~ for the P.E.A.R. and by vote, do the math.

10:28 pm December, 18 Ultra Bagnus said...

Benzino is running away with it, but for the love of Tebus, cheek tats?! Sleepy Jerkenstein FTW! And although my vote will be lost in the biggest landslide since Joey Porche douched off with the prize four score and seven years ago, I proudly cast it anyway. God bless ‘Merica.

11:02 pm December, 18 Mr. Biggs said...

Gotta go with Sleepy. Because the others I can justify: Vegas douchery, sorority blondes, safely quarantined narcissism of the well-off. Sleepy I cannot. All tha is left with Sleepy is facing that brain-crushing beast that everything I tried in my life was in vain, what I really needed to do was smoke enough pot to kill every last brain cell and tattoo myself to death and I’d be rewarded with 72 virgins the likes of Cindy.

And that is the Zen moment we strive for here at HCwDB.

11:04 pm December, 18 Mr. Biggs said...

Sleepy’s mindless philosophizing haunts my brain.

12:10 am December, 19 Bag Margera said...

@Morbo

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I can’t think of a better way to spell it out. A victory for Benzino, is like 2 steps off of celebrating the douche culture, like a badge that is well earned. It’s almost a sympathy vote for the jersey shore culture being washed away in the hurricane, along with this website’s ironic scandalous involvement in the creation of Snooki, and through her, the baby Lorenzo. I swear, if that kid becomes famous, we will be all responsible for the resurrection of the douchey-christ. And we’ll be blamed like the romans and jews for seeking a reasonable discussion about stopping him. Pouring sympathy on to the lives that were ruined on that beach this year, is like paying homage to what amused us about those terrible terrible people. That’s not what I’m here to do. I’m here to see the title of biggest douche in the universe put a pout and a sulk on some douche’s face, as he draws a spiderweb on his armpit with a needle and shoe polish.

5:36 am December, 19 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Wow. Never thought I’d see Benzino as the underdog. At a truck stop trading rimjobs for bottle caps… Yes. But underdog? I guess there is such a thing as being so completely douched-out that you begin to look more like a child’s fingerpainting than a real douchebag.

6:06 am December, 19 FoghornLeghorn said...

Benzino. And his friend UPF, who has that certain je ne sais quoi.

6:52 am December, 19 Cmak said...

Benzino IS the new King…let it be said, and let it be scrawled on the bathroom wall in poop.

7:07 am December, 19 Peter said...

I have been torn between giving my vote to either Sleepy or Benzino. Sleepy appears to regard himself as one who is famous or one who will soon become famous for having what is nothing more than a dimly intersectional analysis of life inked all over his face. Perhaps it is as you observe, Sleepy. Perhaps you also need to ask yourself how much of it is your own doing. Or maybe the facial ink is symbolic. Maybe you secretly long for the great slimy wads of semen you previously offered up your face for. Perhaps you have shared this information with Cindy exclusively. Perhaps she identified. While your experience may not look like that which is the generally accepted view of abuse, you are still a victim. Society changes very slowly. Do whatever you need to do to heal. And what of Benzino? The medium of Vegas is blamed, but is Vegas the root problem? Cult-like behaviour, with some fantastic overtones, is the problem. What if we shut down Vegas? Already there are many alternate Vegas’ on standby simply chomping at the bit of opportunity to relieve the likes of Benzino of their simoli in exchange for water service, cabana rental and paid-to-pose hotness. Unless we all renounce all peacockery and come into the light of staunch, understated masculinity we will all be disenfranchised. I long for a day when Benzino becomes a thoroughly irrelevant presence howling into the void, but that is not yet. The mainstream media consider Benzino a voice of a Generation. As long as he is marked as a representative of us, the circus will go on. Mock must not be about replication of oppressive structures, but about their complete destruction. Sleepy by a whisker.

10:38 am December, 19 The Douchey Dozen said...

Sleepy/Cindy. Because it is written. On his face.

11:04 am December, 19 Douche Wayne said...

So close between Benzino and Kisseus. Sleepy scares me. I’m not afraid of Douchebag of the Year. Ergo, Sleepy is not the Douchebag of the Year.

What separates Benzino from Kisseus? I argue the level of bleeth attention. Benzino has his hands full; this is not a paid to pose. She is giving him a sweet peck on the cheek. Also not prostitute behavior. Somewhere deep down, Benzino might have something solid, something legitimate, If not only a shred of it. That is the miniscule edge he has over Kisseus; his win is also his loss. The Douchebag of the Year does not have a shred of morality, substance, nor natural charisma. Ergo, Benzino is not Douchebag of the Year. But only slightly.

Contrast Kisseus’ bleeth – she clearly recognizes him for the tool-joke that he is. What an asshat. Her knowing smile indicates her intentions for a short and superficial relationship with the pud, perhaps only for a few hours.

Kisseus FWT.

12:29 pm December, 19 army (ret) douche said...

my gut tells me sleepy but # 3 because he came out of the hardest bracket. it would be a shame to rob the of douche-fame at this point….

12:51 pm December, 19 I Scrote, Therefore I Is said...

I’d crawl across miles of untamed wilderness just so Cindy could hit me with a restraining order for doing just that. Sleepy and Cindy for the yearly.

3:02 pm December, 19 Ferris said...

Benzino, ftw.

Because if someone told me I could either fondle this righteous pear, or punch him in the fuccen trachea, but not both, I would have to kill myself. For having been given the opportunity to do either and missing out on it would be too much for my soul to bear.

4:26 pm December, 19 macsorleymcscrote said...

Honestly, the whole lot of them is owed the reverence usually reserved for a dumpster, except Cindy. She should be placed on a pedestal and worshipped for the godess she surely is.

Face tats. Nuff said.

5:21 pm December, 19 creature said...

Benz by virtue of forever fouling a very robust pear!

6:56 pm December, 19 paidmydouche said...

Sleepy has his hand on beauty. This cannot stand.

9:42 pm December, 19 DarkSock said...

And amidst the mighty mound o’ mock in this thread, Blind Squirrel at 10:18 am should get a special purple jelly dong award for ramming this sweet nugget home, with NO lube, mind youse:
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“Sleepy looks like a piece of scratch paper you use to get a pen working again.”
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SON.
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No lube, I says.

9:59 pm December, 19 Tits McGee said...

nolube is the name of my home wifi network…

well said, Squirrel.

12:52 am December, 20 ehcuodouche said...

Let’s see. Sleepy has ridiculous scribble. Benzino pollutes pear. Vomitus has vomitous gsr.

I can’t discriminate by hott. Cindy has angelic hott. Pear has pear. I can’t even eliminate Kisseus for Margaret because Nanette is a HOTY candidate and it averages out.

So I vote for a tie. They’re all disgusting douchebags. Nobody has that extra Stackhouse gravitas. They all should win.

3:18 am December, 20 douche equis said...

Gosh, if army (ret) douche, sock, and dude mccrudshoes, who have all given nods toward sleepy (yes I’m counting you sock, fairly or not), were to change their votes, he might take this.

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Can I tempt you?

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C’mon guys, Benzino is like your friend’s little brother trying to act cool. He does not live the douche. He’s just silly. He’s like the 8 year old trying to play basketball with the 12 year olds.

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Whereas Sleepy has the Zen douche that cannot be denied — not to mention having the entire Mumonkan written on him somewhere, or at least I suspect so. And Cindy, well, not enough can be said. Kissy bleethy blondes have their place . . . but really, which hott is the hottest?

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Anybody?

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OK so I don’t have a career ahead of me as a lobbyist.

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If I offered to build a munitions factory in your district would it help?

2:47 pm December, 20 Duck Duck Douche said...

You know the worst part of this? The fucking world ends tomorrow and we won’t know who won.

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So, I’m gonna go find some rental tits to console my stricken soul in.

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SON.

5:58 pm December, 20 Dr. Jellyfinger said...

It’s Benzino and the Unholy Pear Fondle for me. Is he the biggest douchebag of the three? I don’t know. But his lady friend is mighty hot, and she’s clearly not paid to pose here. This transgression will not stand.

10:04 am December, 21 Ich verstehe sie ist heiß said...

Gotta be KV

3:43 pm December, 21 Wheezer said...

My vote is for Tommy PaKisseus Vomitorious. He is the Yearly contestant who needs a beatdown most of all. The others are close in line, literally rubbing elbows (and other items) with their fellow greaseball, but KV slips in ahead of them, first in line for the sledgehammer to the temple and kick to the sock-padded groin.

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