Wednesday, December 12, 2012

HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 2

Your second round of the semis, make it count:

HCwDB of the Year Bracket 2 Semifinalist #1: Orangudan and Vegas Kim

Woe is the Orange hemorrhoid in presence of tasty slutty hott Vegas Boobie Suckle.

Whiteheads.

Pimples.

Inflatables.

Douche.

That’s my poem for the morning.

The ‘Dan showed up back in May, winning a monthly with ease, and then turning up again.

For sheer inflated uberdouchosity, it is hard to find more scrotal two-tonery.

But is this shrieking Vegas orange scrotal choad plus Kim Hott enough to make it to the finals of the finals?

Two more to go:

HCwDB of the Year Bracket 2 Semifinalist #2: Grover McPocalypse and Sarah Lawrence Sarah

From all the way back in February comes our first Monthly winner of 2012. this Patchouli smelling bohoemeth of taintal lick hitting on the hot chick we know as Sarah, even if she is making the Bleeth-face.

And don’t forget Grover Grover choke-throtting Heather.

Groves is a great example of dirty mock.

All sorts of hackey sack slack on a hip-hop grunge tip.

The only drawback is Sarah’s kissy lips.

Too Bleethy for true Hott/Douche alterity?

Enough to make it to the finals?

One more to go:

HCwDB of the Year Bracket 2 Semifinalist #3: Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy

With the dead eyes of a douche-shark, the tatts of an anal wart, and cohabit with the doe-eyed perfection of Cindy, the Jerkwad is tough competition indeed.

And lets not forget Guggenheim 2023 entry, “Innocence and Poo Face.”

Theirs is a cohabit of suck.

A vortex of ferret puke.

A Wally World of spin-cycle assmunchery.

But is it enough to knock off the herpsterism of Grover and Sarah and the Vegas meatmusclery of Orangudan and Vegas Kim?

Now’s I need you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
7:36 am December, 12 Ol' Dirty Douchebag said...

Strong bracket and by strong I mean repulsive. Sleepy’s got it all and I want none of it. Sleepy and yummy Cindy FTB and society’s loss.

7:42 am December, 12 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

Sleepy Jerkenstein is easily the wrongest of the lot. The other two don’t create any rage. A tatted up Vegas bleeth deserves some roidhead who can only speak in grunts. Sarah deserves to spend time at Grover’s commune (actually, a bachelor apartment in Omaha) until Daddy finds out and cuts off her trust fund.

Sleepy FTW.

7:44 am December, 12 Et Tu Douche? said...

I’m going back to basics, HCwDB. Cindy takes the HC portion hands down. Her eager willingness to pose with this poseur inspires rage, confusion & WTF?. Sleepy is equally as douchey as the others but the thought of him macking on suburban hotts like Cindy galls me, galls me I says.

7:46 am December, 12 The Dude said...

I am for Orangudan, and by ~for~ I mean puke.

7:47 am December, 12 The Dude said...

I do appreciate the contrast between Sleepy and Cindy. Cindy deserves bonerable mention.

7:47 am December, 12 Et Tu Douche? said...

^ I forgot to add Cindy’s luscious naturals as evidenced in “Innocence and Poo Face.” are spectacular and that they might of been soiled by Sleepy’s poo hands is a sad thing.

7:53 am December, 12 Charles Douchewin said...

I think when Grover’s not making crazy-eyez at a camera, he may be an ok grungy semi-hippy.

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The choice between Jerkenstein & THE Orangudan turns me into Buridan’s Ass.

.

Because, yes. I. am. an. Ass.

8:16 am December, 12 Olddog said...

Perhaps I spent too much time in Berkeley, but Grover and Sarrah don’t seem all that “good” (bad) to me. Now the “Orangudan and Vegas Kim ” are quality candidates. But Sleepy, wow! Just wow. A winner if I ever saw one. Sleepy FTW.

PS, Sarrah is rocken’ the Tina Turner look and rocken it well.

8:18 am December, 12 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Make mine Orangudan. He makes me forget that there are hot chicks here. He doesn’t need a to chick to be a douchebag. Plus he will kill you and go out for pizza.

8:26 am December, 12 retard said...

Never before have I been so thoroughly disgusted by the difference between girl-next-door-cute Cindy and choadwank Sleepy. The thought of him pawing on Cindy’s funbags is downright repulsive.

Fear God as the cheektats suggest? Nah. I might openly question why he allows bottom feeders like Sleepy into our world.

8:33 am December, 12 Blind Squirrel said...

Very tough bracket: Orangudan and Vegas Kim FTW

8:46 am December, 12 Tits McGee said...

Strong bracket. Diverse competition. ‘Dan and Kim are ridiculous. Grover and Sarah are unsettling. Sleepy and Cindy, however, are the reason so many monks turn to self-immolation.

The contrast beween that choadskin and her bright-eyed optimism left a radioactive stain on the planet which is visible from earth.

Sleepy and Cindy.

8:50 am December, 12 Peter said...

Definitely and defiantly Sleepy Jerkenstein & Cindy. His pudgy little stomach indicates plenty of arse action in the joint. I’m sure he was someone’s bitch. Cindy is sweet. Her charity towards this runt awards her bonus points.

9:12 am December, 12 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

You can’t sleep your way into the finals. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. Put me down for Grover McPocalypse for representing the hipster-bohemian bags so well, and for one of the funniest names DB1 ever came up with.

9:40 am December, 12 Vin Douchal said...

This bracket is more like “Hot Chicks With Ugly-Ass Mofo’s”. Sleepy and Cindy get my vote.

.

Also, Cindy lines up well with any entry in the Hall Of Hott ( except <a href="Francine“>Francine, of course) . Any seconds?

9:45 am December, 12 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I have it on good authority that Orangudan and Kimmy’s last conversation went something like this…

.

Kimmy: “Oh hai, honey luvr. I need you send $12.75 to my papa back in Denang.”

.

Orangudan: “The Nang? What that, gro?”

.

Kimmy: “No, silly. Danang. My family farm. They need new hoe.”

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Orangudan: “Hehehe. New ho. They already have you and your sister.”

.

Kimmy: “?!”

9:46 am December, 12 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Firstly, I’d like to humbly appologize for not getting in on this voting until now. Way too busy at work. I know, that’s no excuse.

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DB1 doing us no favors by throwing Orangudan and Sleepy in the same bracket. Brutal competition. (To me, Grover and Sarah are just a couple rancid smelling hippies born a generation too late. No real douche / hot attributes). After much thought (ok, not that much) I have to go with Orangudan. Ridiculous tatts, HGH swol head, skin the color of the corinthian leather seats of a ’75 Chrysler Cordoba. Sure Kim has that bleethy hentai look to her, but I challenge any of the regs to say they wouldn’t throw one in her. The winners (losers).

9:55 am December, 12 Reverend Chad's Remote Hotspot Location said...

Orangudan for having the word Compost tatted on his torso.

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In honor of Orangudan being nominated his “friends” wanted to say hello. And by hello I mean live from Berlin, nothing weird ever happens there, the one the homely, Rammstein, fags.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Shq39kWglZ4

10:28 am December, 12 Dickie Fingers said...

I would like to scribble on Sleepy’s face with a warm dog turd. He’s got my vote.

10:33 am December, 12 Red Headed Woman said...

Jerk and Cindy.

10:43 am December, 12 I R A Darth Aggie said...

What a marvelous selection. Of hotts.

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Jerkbreath and Cindy FTW. BTW, what you’re pointing at, Jerky is Cindy’s eyes. Not her bewbs. Whatta douche.

10:52 am December, 12 DouchYouWannaDance said...

One vote for Orangudan as the purest example of prototypical Bag-ness.

Grover looks like the insane bum on the corner that can’t tell delusion from reality.

Sleepy Jerkenstein looks like he’s suffering from Ink Poisoning and pointing out his murderer with his dying breath.

10:56 am December, 12 DarkSock said...

I would like to scribble on Sleepy’s face with a warm dog turd…
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Well…I cannot top that. Other than substitute “sickened cat turd”, or perhaps “starving orangutan’s long dark rope-thin fecal string matted with hair”.
.
Any feces covering Sleepy’s face would be an improvement.
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Seeing such a pretty girl soil herself with such a low-rent future prison pussy of a punk is why there are bell towers and high power rifles. I’m pushed to ask Santa for a .50 cal this year. And a nice big scope. And some more Drakkar Noir. Ho’s be digging that shit.
.
and a thermos.
.
Sweet_But_Soon_Soiled_Cindy and Slit-Eyed-Jack-Assed-Demon for the Societal Loss, Please. And a hot fresh honey badger turd.

11:15 am December, 12 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Remember back in college, when you and your buddies had that big blow out party of all parties? And you drank your ass off? I mean you really, REALLY drank your ass off? And you did some crazy shit? And passed out somewhere. Then got up, groggy, sick, and disoriented, and stumbled home, getting all sorts of strange looks and snickers from everyone you passed. Only when you got home and staggered into the bathroom to vomit yet again do you catch yourself in the mirror. On your left cheek was penned a huge erect black penis. On your right cheek a crude set of huge knockers. And on your forehead someone had scrawled “I pack nuts in my ass cheeks”. Every square inch of your face covered with obscenities that would make Dark Sock whistle in admiration.

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Be glad it was only a sharpie or, like Sleepy Jerkenstein who can’t manage to keep his lids open at a party, you just might have ended up with permanent ink everytime you bombed out.

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You’ve got some pretty shitty friends there, Sleepy. But then they probably thought that after the first tattoo you’d have straightened your shit out.

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Sleepy FTW and Cindy for my next bathroom break. And by bathroom break I mean spurka-spurka-spurka-spurka!

11:22 am December, 12 FoghornLeghorn said...

Tough bracket. They’re all deserving, but I’m going with Grover. He’s trying to say something different with the dreadlocks and neo-hippie look, but at the end of the day he’s just a variation of the douche we’re here to mock. Plus Sarah Lawrence Sarah looks like she’s ready, willing and able.

.

Orangudan and Vegas Kim are classics, that’s for sure, but Kim’s vacuous stare scares me off.

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Sleepy has probably OD’ed by now, so he won’t care if he wins or loses.

11:43 am December, 12 Los Douches said...

I saw Grover McPocalypse and Sarah Lawrence Sarah down in Tulum, Mexico, last week. They’re selling weed to tourists who are showing up waiting for the end of the world to start there.

Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy win it, because she has the cute n’ innocent look, and he’s made a definitive commitment to lifetime unemployment by tattooing his face.

11:47 am December, 12 FlipFriddle said...

Orangudan and Vegas Kim for the loss to our soul (win). They seem to exemplify what the site was created for: a display of douchiness so foul and egregious as to cause the earth to rotate slower and make babies cry. Plus the weird cow-arm. Gag.

Get some™

12:25 pm December, 12 hermit said...

Cindy is the essence of innocence. The first flower breaking through the sun-warmed earth in April, a warm kitten asleep on a down comforter, the laughter of children.

.

Sleepy is cholera-tainted excrement. Like rancid fish entrails left too long in a dumpster in August, a squashed ‘possum dead on the side of the highway, the hacking cough of a hooker.

12:32 pm December, 12 Troy Tempest said...

Sleepy Jerkenstain. Why? Well, lets look at the chix.

Vegas Kim is a stripper. A pro. That would disqualify her pretty much right away. So, her giant fake cans don’t help matters.

Srah Lawrence Sarah is fucking nasty looking. Just, nasty.

But Cindy? She farts Kitten burps of lavender.

So, Cindy is the least spoilt of the lot. The other two are advanced bleeth material.

Then look at the douchebags. Oranguadan is actually a furry who is gradually becoming a giraffe. He has the colour and markings, now it’s just a matter of time for him to acquire a neck. He IS Prime DB material.

Then there’s Grover. A haircut, a shave and a decent set of threads from Penny’s would turn him into just another Joe. He’s a turd floating in the pool of life, for sure, but he’s small taters compared to even Orangudan.

Then there’s Sleepy. He’s a world of crap wrapped in a universe of bullshit. This stupid fuck only got photographed because he’s on bail. He is easily equal to Orangudan in douche factor. And he’s there WITH CINDY! Cindy of the lavender kitty burp farts!

That is a pairing from Satan. IT taunts me with its evil Evil EVIL stare. Fuck this jerk. He needs to Go Away.

Sleepy FTW

1:09 pm December, 12 jonezy said...

Sleepy. That pic exploded the dichotomatrix.

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One must only assume Cindy is an amnesiac that wakes up every day with a clean slate of memory, screaming when she sees Sleepy next her, and he runs the same gambit of lies about them being married and the rest of her family dead.

.

Overboard was a pretty cool movie if I remember correctly.

1:43 pm December, 12 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Orangudan for the epic loss! He gives turds that have achieved sentience and self awareness a bad name! I give him props for rescuing Vegas Kim from whatever back alley Bangkok ping pong show she had been relegated to until he hit the submit button on bagabangkokbride.com

2:07 pm December, 12 SonnyChibaChoad said...

Orangudan FTW.. He checks ALL the douche-boxes.

Steroids

Tatts

Orange

Watch

Vegas.

Did I miss anything?

2:16 pm December, 12 Ich verstehe sie ist heiß said...

Grover is the annoying and smelly guy that steals the girl who made you bring her to that goddamned drum circle that night. Grover is in the background doing bong hits when she calls you to tell you that she’s sorry but she just doesn’t feel any chemistry with you and is going off with Grover in his van for a few months to discover herself. Grover tells her stories about hitchhiking through Brazil and how the people there are so much more real and how they thought he was cool because he speaks Spanish muy bueno and she believes him because she doesn’t know they don’t speak Spanish in Brazil and isn’t really sure where it is anyway except that she knows it’s somewhere in Africa.

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Orangudan wanted anatomically correct bones tattooed on his arm but the tattoo artist never took Anatomy & Physiology and in fact never finished high-school; since he wasn’t really sure how many bones were in an arm he just tattooed a whole shitload of them all over and Orangudan was cool with that. Orangudan likes being a cop because he gets to taser the shit out of people. Orangudan doesn’t put the self-tanner on his face before heading out to Rehab because it gets in his eyes.

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Sleepy is permanently unemployable. His existence provides incontrovertible evidence that the population of the earth must be reduced, preferably starting in Riverside County.

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All 3 of these chicks are hot. Orangudan’s tiny dancer is perfect but probably bleethed beyond hope. Sleepy’s Cindy is girl-next-door beautiful and very innocent looking. She will faithfully visit him in prison for the next 25 years. Grover’s Sarah is Mexican beach naked midnight swimming beautiful.

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But who to choose? This is a tough bracket. I am going to have to go with Orangudan because I believe he is the most threatening to mankind. Grover will no doubt soon smoke himself into a paranoid frenzy and flee to Humboldt County to live out the remainder of his days in a tree in an attempt to evade the government forces he knows are out to get him. Sleepy’s meth lab will get busted and he’ll receive his third strike – buh bye see you in 25 years, Sleepy. I’m imagining that Orangudan, on the other hand, has big plans. Perhaps he’s attending law school. Perhaps he wants to be our first heavily tattooed Senator — perhaps HE WILL SUCCEED.

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The prospect is too frightening to contemplate. Orangudan FTW.

2:49 pm December, 12 Merle Baggard said...

O and VK

3:09 pm December, 12 skrag2112 said...

Grover is probably dead now, so Sleepy gets my vote.

5:48 pm December, 12 Army (ret) Douche said...

this is a much easier bracket sleepy takes it

7:12 pm December, 12 DarkSock said...

I peed in an abscessed tattoo once

7:12 pm December, 12 Steve Polychronopolous said...

sleepy ftw/l

7:20 pm December, 12 ehcuodouche said...

Much like heat #1, it’s Sleepy Jerkenstein with the more impressive body of work. And a perfect contrast to the six-packus groin-shavius douchiness of Kissius. He’s a guy who could have gotten all those tattoo scribbles intentionally, or just passed in a tattoo parlor that gave him a good pranking. He gets good competition from Orangudan. I always break ties by thinking, “If these Douchebags got in a fight, who would win?” I then vote for the loser. And it gives me the pleasant fantasy of Orangudan roid-rage-pounding Sleepy’s face into a bloody pulp while Cindy screamed helplessly. Which is a nice bonus that helps me through many a dreary day.

7:22 pm December, 12 j to the p said...

My vote is for Sleepy & Cindy. Her luscious body parts and innocent eyes seal the deal. How can we ignore Sleepy’s poo’d up eyelid tats?

Have to give honorable mention to Grover, for proving that dirty hippies can also douche it up to the strength of his body odor. And damn Sarah, I want to touch you.

9:11 pm December, 12 Jacques Doucheteau said...

So I have to pick between these three? That’s really unfair. Okay, okay. If I have to chose, I’m going with…mmmm, Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy. Why? 1) Cindy, unlike Kim and Sarah, is still un-bleethed, innocent eye-batting suckle monkey nuzzle shoulder pantomime hair stroking from behind when she’s not looking hot. 2) Sleepy Jerkenstein is fuck you eat a dick you pathetic pond scum sucking freak fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you I will remove your face tattoos with an 80 grit belt sander and acetone fuck you dick eating fuck you dick fuck.

2:04 am December, 13 Stephanie said...

Sleepy and Cindy. Complete loser is complete winner of this category. And that’s not saying much.

3:09 am December, 13 I douche, therefore I am said...

Orangudan makes a slightly retarded impression to me, so you’ve gotta respect that he maybe simply can’t help being the grotesque orange monkeydouche that he is.

Grover pretty much just looks like a smelly hippie with sausage hair.

Sleepy though… he’s got me lost for words. Plus his hott is the hottest.

Sleepy Jerkenstein for the instant implosion of his obviously completely vacuous skull.

6:10 am December, 13 eb said...

SLEEPY SLEEPY SLEEPY CREEPY CREEPY….SAD.

6:21 am December, 13 MoeDouche said...

Sleepy Jerkenstein. When your turn your face into a scribbling pad, you do deserve to be mocked.

7:35 am December, 13 Bag Margera said...

Jerkenstein… Goddamn it Cindy, what were you thinking?

12:06 pm December, 13 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

Grover looks like the mentally impaired guy who rents surfboards to the tourists. Sleepy looks as if he may have been tattooed when he passed out and has little control of his life direction due to the massive chemicals he ingests.

Orangudan appears to be the most intent on being a Douche. He makes concious choices to define himself as a Douche.

Orangudan and Vegas Kim to the next round.

4:26 pm December, 16 douche equis said...

We have a winner.

.

In the previous bracket’s comments I opined that this year’s top o’the bags would be a bag with a new, heretofore unseen slant on douchiness. (I didn’t put it quite that strongly, but who says I can’t rewrite history.)

.

Well here you have it – er, him. There has not yet been, to my knowledge, a yearly winner that had tattooed scribble on his face . . . so it’s over. Give it to Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy, who is not coincidentally the hottest hott of the six so far. Let’s just give the award now and spare ourselves further pain.

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