Friday, December 14, 2012

HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 3

Bracket #3. You know what to do.

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1 (Bracket 3): Trent Assholio and Luscious Larissa

Early August’s Monthly winner/loser is all that is crotch-itchy about everything.

Lucious Larissa is one of the hottest hotts competing in the Yearly, and Trent Assholio is every dick you went to high school with Brundleflied into a single mutant lipherpity.

Together, they make poo.

This really is underrated HCwDB.

It’s not that outrageous paid-to-douche asshattery we’re used to.

This is real “lock up your daughter from the semi-normal looking dude who bullshits you into thinking he’s a good guy but is really all about the Mack” puckosity.

As such, it is a worthy entrant in the Yearly.

But enough to make the finals?

Ruh roh. Look who’s up next…

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2 (Bracket 3): Benzino and The Unholy Pear Fondle

What more can be said about the atrocious blight known as Benzino?

This asstastic mug first showed up fondling Pear back in March in The Unholy Pear Fondle. However we did not realize the full extent of this douchenozzle until we identified him as Benzino mugging Soho Sophia in November.

From there, the run was as toxic as douchebaggery gets. There was:

Benzino and Brunette hott

Benzino’s Mongoresque Stare with Party Hotts

‘Zino working out

The Benz with Party Boobs

Benzino Poppin’ Pink Collar

Benzino Bites a Pear

And Benzino and Rich Girl Rachel Hott and Benzino and Rich Girl Rachel Hott’s Rachels.

Mmmm… Rachel Hott’s Rachels.

And of course, for full douche pedigree:

Benzino with Peter Pumpin’head

and

Benzino with The King

All the true uberdouches know each other.

Yowza. Gotta make Benzino and Pear the odds-on favorite in the semis.

But one more to go:

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3 (Bracket 3): Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela

Our best entrant in the Semis for the Herpster vote, Jack the Lipper is all that is shite-wipe about Silverlake.

And lets not forget Jack, Michaela, and Tom Petty Hott , and Michaela in a bikini gettingmacked by rich-kid Bennington students at a douchey music festival.

That’s a pretty good run of hott/choad.

Disqualified from the Yearly because I can’t figure out how to do three brackets with 10 monthly winners was Yankee McSpankee and Andrea’s Dreas.

Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
7:40 am December, 14 The Dude said...

This is a tough call. I’m going to have to mull this one over, by which I mean I gotta rub one out first.

.

Larissa’s McGee’s are awesome and so inviting, Benzino really pisses me off for the unholiness of his pear fondle, and Jack the Lipper is so fuckin’ sure he has his shit together. Wow.

.

Benzito FTL

.

Rubbing one out was much easier than voting in Bracket #3. Brutal.

7:40 am December, 14 BigSexy said...

Benzino, no question. The Board shorts (didn’t anyone tell him it makes him look even shorter?), reverse quarter lid tilt, Kanye specs, sleeves, scrot facial hair, monochromatic-but-not-really high tops. Such a splendid-crazy mix of 90s chic, he runs away from Lipper and T.A. Benzino takes the bracket.

Is there a Douchie Award category for hottest hott? Suzy Pear is in contention…

7:45 am December, 14 Dan said...

Benzino and Unholy Pear Fondle, without a doubt.

And a write in for Yankee McSpankee and Andrea’s Dreas who are as high (low) quality pair as any and deserved their shot at the coveted Yearly.

If Andrea’s Dreas doesn’t get her Golden Globes, I’m done.

7:49 am December, 14 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Herpsters, tatts, hand gestures and pear, oh my!

.

Pouty Michaela FTW. And by win, I mean she’s being rebellious against her parents by hanging out with a PBR swilling herpster.

.

I thought about awarding the win to the pear, as that is indeed magnificent pear. But she’s not nauseated by the fondle, so I sadly must call her bleeth. Larissa also seems content with her choice in life, so she is at least well on her way to bleethdom, if not already ensconced in its unholy embrace.

7:50 am December, 14 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Benzino hands – on Ass Pear – down.

.

Yankee McSpanky had no chance despite Marissa Tomei-like hotness of Andrea.

7:59 am December, 14 Douche Wayne said...

I am in a foul mood this morning. I am getting divorced, trying to figure out how to give the kids a decent Christmas in two separate households and I have been working on the same project at work for what seems like months with endless revisions.

I place the blame for all my problems squarely on Benzino’s shoulders. Because he fucking sucks. I can tell.

8:01 am December, 14 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

Benzino has a good body of work, but Jack the Lipper brings variety to the table. He morphs from Herpster to garden-variety dirtbag douchebag in the music festival pictures. And he looks so natural, whether drinking a PBR while enjoying his Hanson and Spice Grils 45s, or whether mugging an old lady for her pension cheque.

Benzino can pull off the nightclub douche look, but can’t really go beyond that.

JTL FTW.

8:02 am December, 14 ehcuodouche said...

Another high (or low, really) class bracket. Gotta go with Benzino for greasing the greatest number of Bleeth ass-pears with his greasy greasyness. If a douchebag can even temporarily distract me from the asspear, it has to be a winner (loser). Please somebody put a match to that guy the next time he dislodges himself for bottle service.

8:08 am December, 14 Tits McGee said...

@ The Dude – “mull this one over” made me spit out my Team Cheerios (yeah you can still get ’em).

I was gonna go with Jack and Michaela due to her glance and his representation of my pure hatred for hipsters/herpsters. But as if DB1 was reading my mind, he posted evidence of Michaela’s unflinching bleethitude. Nay, say I.

Trent, though he pairs well with that pair, is just a photocopy. He brings nothing new to the table. And I’m not so sure Larissa isn’t actually being fondled by Benzino.

He just makes me want to punch a baby… a baby Benzino. Get thee to the semis…

8:10 am December, 14 Vin Douchal said...

WOW!, Luscious Larissa is earth scorching lava hot. Man, that’s my dream girl there

.

Jack the Lipper is all that’s wrong with SoCal suburbia right now and a douche of monsterous proportions but , let’s face it, deep down inside he’s just a pampered weinie. The only threat he poses is leaving a few pubes on the edge of a urinal or scraping his shiny buff manicure

.

Benzino has got too much game for these other pairings. And by game I mean an in your face asshole.

.

By posing with so many different club Bleeths , like the King himself, it shows he really can’t get one gal to slow it down and be with him for awhile. The spectacle, the posing, the obvious Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the “I’ve worked on these in the mirror” expressions in every shot of him brings him into the stratosphere with , dare I say , Stackhouse.

.

Benzino not only deserves our scorn, our spitfired verbal loogies, our disdain and our pity for where the scions of Douchebag Culture have led society. Go away Benzino, go far away

.

But not until one of your buddies taps you on the shoulder after you win our voting later this month and mentions, “Dude, have you SEEN that website Hot Chicks WIth Douchebags? You should take a look”

8:30 am December, 14 Et Tu Douche? said...

Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela do nothing for me as her drug induced emaciation is quite the turn off. As CND so aptly put it “He (JtL) morphs from Herpster to garden-variety dirtbag douchebag in the music festival pictures”.

.

Benzino is a DB no doubt but he lives it, loves it, knows it and get’s paid to do it. The chicks he attracts with his schtick are suspect and by suspect I mean issues and most likely diseased.

.

My pick goes to Trent Assholio and Luscious Larissa. DB1 sums it up nicely with his synopsis on Trent and LL is the cleanest, renob inducing HC of the 3. LL’s luscious, ample side boob speaks to slight tease and discretion all at once. She’s the one, and we’ve all seen her in one form or another, who get’s the inner monologue spinning, the cursed tones disparaging Trent Assholio beginning and the ages old question muttered under ones breath “What the fuck is she doing with an A-Hole like that?”. For me this is the original blue print and I weep every time I see it.

8:37 am December, 14 Troy Tempest said...

Benzino, because poo is poo.

8:41 am December, 14 Blind Squirrel said...

If I got one shot with a masonry hammer on this group of losers, I would pick Benzino. Therefore, he’s my horse FTW.

8:57 am December, 14 Dickie Fingers said...

Benzino

9:02 am December, 14 Merle Baggard said...

B and UPF

9:03 am December, 14 DarkSock said...

Bracket? What Bracket. Benzino, get your damn dirty hands off her, you ape. I want to sleep in her butt crack for a week. I want to be her Ass Road Trucker.
.
I would like to paint a piece of dry wall with looping arcs of red claw hammer swings with Benzino as my medium. He is my muse in that way.
.
Benzino and Luscious McBuddocks for the win.
.
.
Hang in there, Douche Wayne. You just described my 2011 Christmas, all the way down to the endless project, relocated kids and blue Christmas ruined by the hot little harpie I was dumb enough to marry. But 3 short months later I was in a wonderful rebound with a ridiculously hot Victoria’s Secret Model quality girl 15 years my junior.
.
There is NO greater satisfaction that sending your ex a picture of your new 30 year old five foot tall 110-pound natural blonde flat tummied perfect cellulite-free pear sex fiend new girlfriend, posing with her D-cup bolt-ons straining at her low-cut Saints jersey that she was kind enough to raggedly cut a “V” neck into, all the way through the “Saints” logo. Sweet little girl. And I’d never have met her while chained to the olde battle axe. So look forward, SON.
.
Get thee to work securing your very own shameless bad-girl booze and sex drenched rebound, and enjoy! It was the best thing I’ve ever done. And by “It” I mean “She”. Naughty little biscuit….Daddy got the gravy right here…ooo yeah. It was the summer my lower back will never forget.
.
.
.
I’ve learned nothing. And I love it.
.
Dirty Olde Men.

9:06 am December, 14 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Benzino for the epic win/loss! The mock he evokes could fill countless libraries! He’s taken the ‘bag lifestyle beyond anything ever imagined!

9:17 am December, 14 Tanath said...

I had to abstain from bracket 2 because the choice was so difficult…here however, Benzino (Ali G?) for the loss.

9:29 am December, 14 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Larissa is what gets us up and out of bed every morning. She is also responsible for the near doubling of Kleenex and monitor sales in the lower 48.

.

Benzino is the reason we all sharpen the edges of our shovels. That Larissa and Benzino AREN’T in the same photo is the only thing that kept me from swallowing a bottle of Draino today and shoving pens in my own eye sockets.

.

Benzino FTW and a blow to the head.

9:58 am December, 14 Mr. Biggs said...

This is a tough one, and is like asking which flavor of ice cream is your favorite. Each is a master at their own flavor of douchosity. Trent douches the sorority girls, Benzino douches the Vegas cabanas, and Lipper douches the Silver Lake estate. In this sense, all are tied for perfect rank douchosity.

My question then, is which milieu has the most vile infestation? For that, I’ll have to go with Lipper there. He does seem like the tamest of the three, but Vegas cabanas and Frat parties are known cesspools of douchosity, and so the plague stays safely quarantined. But Silver Lake was my area, dammit. And it’s his brand of douchosity that is the biggest, rankest plague. Silver Lake has its problems but it’s still the best bet this festering sore of a civilization has on cultural output.

And it shows in his gaze, which is the signature of the true douche. He obviously takes himself very seriously and thinks he’s figured out life’s secrets, when the only thing he’s mastered is the pudrank necessary to fool the woo-hotts.

In short, society loses most by the likes of Lipper. Lipper FTL.

10:04 am December, 14 Hermit said...

UPF is some of the finest ass I’ve seen since the draft mule exhibit at last year’s Indiana State Fair.

.

But, I have to go with Lipper. Trying hard to hide his insecurity with loathsome arrogance. and witty references to irony.

.

The whole hipster movement is just the latest batch of dispossessed, unemployed children’s attempt at self-importance.

The term “hip” was first used to describe something modern, revolutionary and unprecedented.

.

That was SIXTY F@#KIN’ YEARS AGO.

.

Something which has been around that long can, in no way, be considered cutting edge.

.

The only consolation is that when the entire socio-economic framework collapses it will be these inept slackers I’ll be competing with for scraps of food and metal implements.

10:09 am December, 14 Hermit said...

Since it’s Friday I present a Haiku:

.

.

.

Tangled up and spent,

Exhausted yet satisfied

He peed in that horse

10:12 am December, 14 Charles Douchewin said...

Vin Douchal convinced me.

.

For a while, I was throwing some stink-eyed skepticism at the way DB1 was slinging so much Benzino, but I think he’s right.

.

But let’s be charitable, nobody is ever a total waste – they can always serve as a bad example.

.

If Obama, Ahmadinejad, Merkel (respect, with the rest of the EU), Kim Jong-un (no respect), and say, Fidel came together to share their reactions to “Benzino and The Unholy Pear Fondle” – generations would recognize that meeting as when global peace began.

10:17 am December, 14 Ich verstehe sie ist heiß said...

Goddamn these brackets just keep getting harder. This bracket blows the other ones out of the water on the Hot Chick Quality scale. All three of these girls are smoking hot.

.

Larissa’s the kind of girl you marry then she becomes a pharmaceutical sales rep making a great living then she divorces you and takes most of your money and marries a rich anesthesiologist and doesn’t have to work anymore and then pops up three or four really good-looking kids who will all go to private school while you are still living in that apartment in Thousand Oaks and having alimony and child support taken out of your paychecks. She’s just that kind of chick.

.

The Unholy Pear Fondle is the kind of girl you marry and then discover she has a raging coke habit then she leaves you after you tell her she has to go to rehab and moves to Vegas to go back to stripping and hanging out at the Hard Rock pool on Sundays with Benzino while you are still living in that apartment in Thousand Oaks and having alimony taken out of your paychecks. At least there’s no child support.

.

Michaela’s the kind of girl you get to bang once when she’s really drunk and depressed because the bass player from The Ass Bandits broke up with her again and she thinks you’re sweet and understanding and she can just talk to you all night long because you really know how to listen and then she gets back together with him and they leave to tour Europe and you’re stuck in your apartment in Thousand Oaks crying and watching Storage Wars which isn’t even fun anymore because you know it’s all staged thanks to that fucking Dave Hester spoiling it for everybody. At least there’s no alimony or child support.

.

With all the hot chicks so evenly matched in spite of their differences, it’s going to come down to the douche then. Trent? Dude is making a douche pose, but this is no douche. This is an ordinary dude who maybe spends a little too much time preening in the mirror. After a couple of drinks this dude will be destroying all challengers at beer pong and lighting his farts. 100% ordinary Joe just trying to get laid, and who can blame him — look at that chick! She’s future anchorwoman material.

.

Benzino. 100% toxic chemical douche sludge. Disgusting and with an impressive body of work? Yes, but not terribly original.

.

Which leaves us with Jack The Lipper. I’m giving it to JTL on the basis of originality. He’s a new breed of douche.

10:23 am December, 14 Douchial Webster said...

I’m pretty sure that Trent is actually Smoot, and the Lipper is no contest to Benzinochoad.

10:32 am December, 14 Peter said...

In his own way Benzino rivals 2009s The Sterilizer. Okay he’s not Orange but on first sighting he is massively offensive and that’s the above all conjecture, beyond all presumption and outside of every deluded idea we have about the numb nutted grunks featured on this holiest of sites, we’re first dealing with the visual. Benzino, I say. For he is what will truly make Charles Darwin roll in his grave.

10:33 am December, 14 FoghornLeghorn said...

Benzino based on his body of work, and Pink Pear Fondle based on her body.

10:45 am December, 14 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Wow ! Wow, is all I can say about these three piles of dung. Larissa is gold statue award winning hot. Trent is prototypical douche. Jack the Lipper ? Purely slapable. But for the entire body of work, have to go with Benzino. Pic after horrible pic. The bag is a plague spreading his greasy hands over way too much hot pear. And the pics with Peter Pumpin’head and The King. Come on, almost like cheating. This tool is going all the way to the finals.

10:48 am December, 14 Morbo said...

As has been pointed out, this is a brutally tough bracket. It’s like the Sophie’s Choice of HCwDB brackets, except if Sophie was choosing between two guys who wanted to poke her in the dumper in the bathroom of a nightclub.

On a deeper scale, this bracket is like looking at the evolution of the concept of HCwDB. A battle of the ages, if you will.

.

Trent and Larissa are timeless classics, originals. They embody the idea of Hot Chicks (Larissa, for whom I would swim across Lake Michigan with a truck tire chained to my neck just so I could catch a fleeting glimpse of her in a bikini when I reached the other side) and Douchebags (Trent, who was so obviously the high school student who coasted through with a C average, has a dad who’s a rich lawyer, coasted through the local junior college with a C average and is now entrenched in a cushy do-nothing job at his dad’s firm).

.

Benzino and Pear Fondle are the middle ages of HCwDB, circa 2010-11. Tats, unholy pairings of douche and hott, skinny little bastards way outkicking their coverage on any scale, and Vegas, baby, Vegas. There is no reason this man should have his hands on that high quality of buttocks. It’s like seeing a midget riding a unicycle whilst eating a hundred live goldfish. It’s wrong, and it shouldn’t be.

.

And then we have Jack and Michaela. THIS is what we’ve come to, and THIS is what embodies HCwDB in 2012. The annoyingly smug herpsterbag. The guy who brings out of me a rage not seen since Marcellus Wallace called out the hardcore pipe-hittin’ homeboys to deal with Zed.

Michaela is not particularly hott, but thinks she is. Jack is not cool, but thinks he is. Unlike Trent, who at least shows up for work at his dad’s law firm every day, or Benzino, who goes to work part-time at Whataburger, Jack contributes nothing to society. He mooches off his trust fund, pretends like he knows what poverty is because he drives a three-year-old BMW instead of a brand new model, and does coke off a stripper’s ass once a month.

Jack is a pimple on society’s ass that no lance can reach. I want to give him a swirlie in a toilet full of hydrochloric acid.

.

So, while I appreciate the efforts of the other two worthy contenders, I’m going Jack and Michaela FTL. The rise of the herpsterbag was a dominant theme on HCwDB in 2012, and this dipshit is the worst of that batch.

Hopefully we have some lovely consolation prizes for Larissa (definitely a hottest hott contender), Pear Fondle (best pear) and Andrea’s Dreas (a golden globes winner if ever there were two).

10:50 am December, 14 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I’m sure Benzino will come away with something from the Douchies. Let’s hope it’s an anal fissure.

.

Despite the hopelessness of opposing Benzino and his tsunami of narcissistic douche, I’m throwing my support behind Lipster and Michaela. Lipster is no douche to be trifled with. Supercilious irono-glare, herpster jacket with embroidered shoulder fung, and if that does not get your bile up… think about the cold flesh of his pale, flabby fish-belly pressed against the tanned taughtness of Michaela’s Fergie-esque abs.

.

Michaela brings her A-game as well. How often do you find a bleeth so filthy she looks like she was just dragged out of the dumpster from behind Denny’s by a family of raccoons, and yet you find yourself thinking that you’d lick every bacterial culture from between her toes and not really mind the horrifically painful death from dysentery? Not bloody well often, lah. If you hit that chick with a bucket of bleach, a fire hose, and combed out the nappy extensions it would be instant HoH.

.

Supercilious. Look it up, biatches.

11:04 am December, 14 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

^Lipster = Lipper

11:41 am December, 14 Et Tu Douche? said...

DarkSock @9:03 am FTW!!!, and by for the win I mean well done my man, well done.

11:48 am December, 14 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

Benzino and The Unholy Pear Fondle to move on that he even had the gumption yes gumption, to touch that pear, let alone fondle it, angers me.

Later today I will imagine sweet Larissa giggling coyly as I nuzzle the nape of her neck as I disrobe her. She then lays her soft yet taught body onto the bed and arches her back in pleasure as I begin to … Damn why is it that is far as I get in the daydream? I need to work on my staying power.

11:53 am December, 14 Red Headed Woman said...

Trent and Larissa.

12:10 pm December, 14 DarkSock said...

@ Hermit 10:09 –
.
As Tony the Cop
Screamed “neigh means neigh, get off me!!”
That horse Peed In Him.

12:27 pm December, 14 The Dude said...

Fuck ‘Sock, I needed to prepare myself for that one! LMFAO

12:56 pm December, 14 Ol' Dirty Douchebag said...

Benzino and I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

12:57 pm December, 14 Douche Wayne said...

@ Darksock

Can’t thank you enough for you kind words and sage-like advice. You’re a good man, and thorough.

1:02 pm December, 14 jonezy said...

^Sock, can you dress up like a d-bag and send us a pic of the new trophy? Is she a Filly or a Mare?

1:03 pm December, 14 jonezy said...

Incredibly hungover still so I’m just gonna vote for Larissa’s hotness- I’m guessing Wheezer can find another pic of her out there somewhere- she’s been seen in these halls before.

.

I heard Kim Jung-Un peed in a Unicorn once

1:04 pm December, 14 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Probably linked this before, but I can’t look at Michaela without this tune going through my head:

1:04 pm December, 14 skrag2112 said...

Benzino! Benzino! A thousand times Benzino!

1:43 pm December, 14 Bag Margera said...

Benzo and the pear

3:56 pm December, 14 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

Benzino’s been workin hard. Workin out, grabbin ass, and taking tips from the pros like Pumpinhead and the King. His body of work is impressive indeed.

But I have to go with Jack the Lipper, he has that “I just wanna punch him in the face” down pat.

7:24 pm December, 14 army (ret) douche said...

Assholio for his douche gaze permeates to the soul, That and larissa ….yeah she is hot

12:18 am December, 15 Guid is Good said...

Benzino has had the Yearly in the ‘Bag since birth. It’s like when Tiger Woods was banging a dozen cocktail waitresses at a time, everyone else is just playa’ing for second.

7:42 am December, 15 Ted Brogan said...

Trent is boring frat-boy douche. Something about Michaela simultaneously arouses and frightens me, but Jack is not even trying.

Benzino for this round.

5:25 am December, 17 I douche, therefore I am said...

I vote Benzino for complete douchewank and incredipear for absolute pearliciousness.

6:07 pm December, 17 douche equis said...

Finally some real hotts.

.

Trent Assholio thinks he’s Smoot, but he isn’t. He’s not even as Smoot as Joey Lumpcrustowitz was.

.

Benzino is a poser, and while I realize that part of the douchiness is precisely the poserness, he is a poser posing as a poser-esque douche. No.

.

That leaves Jack the Lipper, regarding whom the always-reliable desire-to-punch-in-face comes out in full fist, primarily beacuse that woman with him is the hottest one yet this yearly with one possible exception, and that is the one the two of them should be slugging it out with in the finals. But I have an odd feeling that when I read the above I will find Benzino swept it. He’s weak. Weak I say.

9:50 pm December, 17 Stephanie said...

Benzino,the guy who smells like 3 day old fish,and Axe body spray.

Leave a Reply

What is 6 + 7 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)