Thursday, January 24, 2013

Ask The Reverend

556016_492243860791030_1867567271_nHey brothers. Reverend Chad here, the resident stoned, drunk pastor to answer a few remarkable questions with insight and spirituality. And by spirituality I mean, stoned. Son.

Q. Dear Reverend Chad, I was fighting with my wife about the time I spend on the internet. Are you really a Reverend and where is your church? Thanks in advance. Tara MacGotchys

A. Thanks for the question Tara and what kind of name is that for a dude, man. And you didn’t expand on your wife problems so I can’t help you there. If she comes at ya with a knife pop her one right in the beak. Am I really a Reverend. Yes. I am a Reverend of the Divine Universal Light Church. The church is based in Walla-Walla Washington to counter the ill effects of a strong Seventh Day Adventist Church and University there. My congregation is based in Ontario, near the Quebec border. I am just outside the city limits of a city called Cornwall, where I grew up on the means streets man. Smoking doobies, drinking and banging broads since I was in grade 6. Hell of a life before I found the great divine one. Then again I party all day now so I’m still a pig. So I moved my church from outside Toronto so as to get away from the metrosexuals and show my pampered kids a little bit of hards knocks, ya know? And I sent them to the worst public elementary school in the city with the lowest average family income in the area. We get this corn farm of which I lease a bunch of the land to a farmer. I still have a few landscaped acres and we attend services in the Grove. The Grove is also where the magic medicine of my followers comes from. The farm is home to our branch of the church and it is called The Plantation. There is a druid-like circle of Mighty Canadian Pine and Maples and it’s a great place to get you’re groove on. Cornwall used to have this huge paper mills that stunk to no end. Yas rode a bicycle by it and the acid rain would pock your lenses man. So everybody is unemployed now and ya can get a 15 year old hooker for a blowie for a slice of the world’s best assortment of pizza and a gram of Grove weed. Good times man. So to finish off with your question. The church is in my backyard. Thanks for the query. Son. Good luck with the wife. One time at The Plantation, which has distant dock privileges,  Joel Osteen came to visit on his Sea-Doo with Shania Twain and Alannis Morrisette naked on the back. Tammy-Fae was supposed to be there but her p*ss got stuck to the car seat. Wow! That was a freakshow party.

Q Reverend Chad,a few of us at work were guessing you are probably a fan of Maroon 5. Thanks for taking the time to answer our question. Clint Damyacine

A. That’s a good question Clint. But let me ask you a question. Does a dove know how beautiful it is as it’s released at the end of a wedding or Obama speech. It might be beautiful at an Obama speech after Springsteen has finished playing The Rising, but at the wedding it is the end for the groom and an ugly image of drudgery and Groundhog Day Syndrome, from which I suffer, and better atoned with a more fitting poem from the Bruuuce. If a grizzly bear gets stoned in the forest, can he be arrested by honkie. I think not. Therefore I will put forth a motion that at all weddings Maroon 5 music must be played every fifth song. 5, the number of destiny. Two parents, two children, one hooker. Playing such festering pus would prevent many men from getting married and perhaps a few, just a few may be saved from a life of slavery and boredom which is the institution (torture) of being married with children. I understand now Ed Bundy(grrrr. young Christina) what Peg put you through. F**k Maroon 5 . Don’t get married son. Go for ex-strippers. Get it. Thanks for the question Son.

That’s all for this week. I’m depressed now so I have to take my SNRI’s. Keep the questions coming and I’ll try to answer your scintillating qeusstionez. Son.

# posted by douchebag1
3:57 pm January, 24 jonezy said...

whoa – this pear gave me quite the renob

4:04 pm January, 24 Bag em, Tag em said...

Fuck Maroon 5

I was in the EDM tent at Coachella two years ago and Adam Levine and “the guitarist?” were standing to my right. Those two spent 45 minutes talking to each other, while standing with their backs to the artist, so that everyone behind us could see them. They had women coming up to them and they would flirt until the hottest ones approached them. Then they left.

OK, Im slightly jealous. Fuck them anyway. Fuck that song PAYPHONE.

I need to get more whole grains and fiber in my diet….

4:04 pm January, 24 Bag em, Tag em said...

Fuck Maroon 5

I was in the EDM tent at Coachella two years ago and Adam Levine and “the guitarist?” were standing to my right. Those two spent 45 minutes talking to each other, while standing with their backs to the artist, so that everyone behind us could see them. They had women coming up to them and they would flirt until the hottest ones approached them. Then they left.

OK, Im slightly jealous. Fuck them anyway. Fuck that song PAYPHONE.

I need to get more whole grains and fiber in my diet….

4:28 pm January, 24 Douchble Helix said...

I don’t the Rev was drunk or stoned enough to write his column.

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Where do I go for my refund?

4:47 pm January, 24 Et Tu Douche? said...

Dear Rev,

What in your opinion, is a better option for getting in a chicks pants, weed or alcohol? could you please discuss the pros & cons. Also if you suggest both which one first?

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Are Canadian women easier the the gals down here in the States?

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Where in Canada is the Temples of Syrinx? Do they brew their own kick as beer similar to the Trappist monks of Belgium?

4:52 pm January, 24 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Semi-coherent thy name is Rev Chad.

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Things that give me a reboB, part 2 in a never ending series.

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http://albotas.com/tagged/thigh+high+thursday

4:55 pm January, 24 The Dude said...

Wall-eyed bolt-on blondes do funny things to me, I hope.

4:56 pm January, 24 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Dear Rev

How is the placenta prepared for consumption in Canada? Scampi style, Orengonata, Milanese, Marsala? Placentophagy is all the rage these days…

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http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/03/25/i-regret-eating-my-placenta/

5:49 pm January, 24 Bag Margera said...

Once again, I feel obliged to translate for the American audience.

Divine Universal Life Church = Canadian Church, probably built exclusively for the purpose of white-washing young native children by whatever rape, torture, death and castration deemed necessary.

Seventh Day Adventist Church = Some made-up Canadian Bullshit.

Ontario = Canada’s mirror image reflection of the U.S. eastern seaboard, with the Ocean being replaced by a very big lake.

Quebec Border = A demilitarized zone that separates English speaking Canada,from whatever gobblety-gook they speak beyond the wall.

Cornwall = Where said DMZ ends and America begins.

Doobies = Slang term for marihuana joint; American in origin, and only used today by Canadians and hippies.

Broads = Slang term for female; Italian in origin, stopped being used commonly, around the time “Doobies” was first coined.

Toronto = Canadian city, where people outside said city wish to turn the city into a giant prison, Escape from NY/LA style.

Mighty Canadian Pine and Maples = Common Canadian trees, used for sapping maple syrup and Christmas trees for lower-income households, respectively.

Pock = A Canadian hybrid word, derived from hockey, between “puck” and “socked”, as in “Jimmy got socked in the face by that puck. He was pocked.”

Gram = A unit of measurement, under the metric system, exclusively used for the distribution of small amounts of marihuana.

Dock = a wooden plank, constructed for the purpose of securing a boat to land, by the shore of a lake; Also a Canadian hybrid word between “wood” and “duck,” due to large amounts of duck shit found on docks.

SNRI = A common medication, used to help men cope with menopause.

6:14 pm January, 24 hermit said...

Dear Reverend Chad,

Can mullatos celebrate black history month, or just the first two weeks?

I’ll hang up and listen to your answer off the air.

6:15 pm January, 24 Vin J Douchal said...

That made me laugh. However this combination of Theraflu, mega SudaFed and cough syrup has me laughing at just about anything. Like just now when I missed the toilet with 90% of my pee at Starbucks. And earlier when I ran over a squirrel with my SUV after the three cars in front of me swerved to save its life. LOL!

6:52 pm January, 24 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’ve done been censored. Where’s my story about the time i was in the movie with Chaz Palmentieri? DB1 is censos.

But I guess the front page has to be below an R rating. I’ll gert stoneder this week snd try to keep it clean. Mulattos can celebrate whenever they want or like Leah will rub menestration on ya and give you a natty rash.

.

You have to click this link. You are welcome.

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http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xrjtw6_miami-dolphins-cheerleaders-call-me-maybe-by-carly-rae_music#.UQHFS4VgO2w

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I’ll try to answer Et Tu and DW’s questions again this week and Dr. BH too. Son.

7:44 pm January, 24 Magnum Douche P. I. said...

I knew something was amiss with The Rev’s soliloquy. Way too grammatically correct and easy to read. Well even the best writer’s work has to pass the editor in charge. A fine job nevertheless.

12:16 am January, 25 Bag Margera said...

*appendix

When making the great wall to divide Quebec from the rest of Canada, we ran out of wall at the bottom, so we just stuck in a bunch of cornfields…. Hence the name Cornwall.

6:18 am January, 25 Douchble Helix said...

I KNEW IT!!!

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Great job, Bag M! Look forward to more nuggets.

7:04 am January, 25 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Dear Rev

What is the proper etiquette when having sex with a girl whilst she is on her period? What about in Canada? Also, what is the appropriate way to wipe off one’s schwantz afterwards?

12:11 pm January, 25 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Dear Rev, what is the best way to dispose of 2 dead circus clowns? Please reply at your soonest convenience.

9:17 pm January, 25 The Dude (remote loc) said...

Cornwall ftw, lmfao

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