Monday, January 7, 2013

Ask The Reverend

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Ladies and gentlemen, Ask The Reverend begins.  God help us all:

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Q. Dear Reverend Chad, I have a friend who brags about his penis size on the internet. Like a lot. Is this normal? I think he’s insecure and overcompensating. How do I approach him about it without coming off sounding like a total dick?

A. Well my young Paduan, like Romulus said to Remus before the Persians conquered Constantinople. “Who are you to accuse me you prick?”  I really seriously would not be concerned myself if someone did that. But if he really wants to prove his size, ask him for a naked baby picture if he had a big head he had big penis. The proportionality of penis size to brain size in something like AMin=Mout. This was figured after the almost disastrous birth of myself. The nurse thought I was a breach baby and they had to turn me around but the doctor looked closer and said it was my boner and not a leg. Thank you for your question CBN.

Q. paraphrased… You got two chicks to bang in a tavern of some sort.Sure thing pretty fatty or girl giving me the Mayan Eye of Coitus hotty. Do I take the bird in the hand or or try for the one with a two hole chance with no bush, chance of nothing too.

A. Well Ive always said you talk to the hot girl briefly, tell her your married, and if shes not in the mood for my porch beef, I would walk away as proudly as I had walked to her and bang the fatty in an abusive and disrespectful manner. ………… I had you fooled, man. If your single you do what I would do and bang the fatty if the soft touch on the hot was unsuccessful. If your married you can only go with the hot chick cause she would have accepted my answer in prose. You cant be married and f@#K a psycho stalker fat chick cause shell hunt you down Glenn Close style. That movie killed the whore industry for a decade. Screw off Glenn Close you cow. Man my wife better not find out about the hookers. Thanks for el questiano Mang. You ever get a problem with these things èèèèèèèèèéééé. We must be past the front page so Imma start swearing a litlle. Me and my ÈÈÈÈÈÈÈÈÈÈÈ. f@#K.

Q. paraphrased…….How do you get it all done and live such a cool life?

A: You hide a bunch of cash from the businesses you owned, but you pay most of your taxes but do some seriously questionable accounting things. You repent and send your wife to school and work. Ive only been at home for two years. I have significant holdings in the Dutch ( no repect) Antilles. So we move to our hometown and everythings cheaper. Her biz took off fast nut mine didnt. And its none of your freakin business anyway to make me betray my distrust in the universal banking system. And my wife is a wonderful peach who could never find out about chicks and shit. Gullible she is and I am very discreet. Like a spy sneaky. Move over Dan Morrison and James Bund Shes cool with the drugs and we plant Lennys outdoor clones in the forest behind the plantation du Kroeger. Rev Chad will be back to work soon, mid-life glory days over. But I did enjoy the doobs, drinking, hookers, and booze the last few years and will continue with the debauchery learned behavior patterns from my teens.

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# posted by Erich von Broheim
12:15 pm January, 7 Dan said...

If this is any indication of HCWD 2013, this blog will be kaput in no time.

12:16 pm January, 7 DoucheyWallnuts said...

A wide array of questions answered (?) in a manner befitting a Rev.

.

Dear Rev

What is the appropriate etiquette when depositing a jib shot on a dame’s face? Do you say, “Pardon me,” afterward? And by afterward I mean when you don’t kiss her and point and laugh?

12:20 pm January, 7 douchenozzle said...

First, I’d like to say that pic with Mongor just set back race relations to antebellum times. Second,I think the Rev. should be promoted to at least cardinal because what he wrote was truly holy. Preach on Cardinal.. I mean Rev.

12:27 pm January, 7 creature said...

dear rev, can you put a pocket vag on speed dial to rev (no relation) it up to 1500 strk per sec, like while in traffic & shit,…um, a good friend of mine wants to know

12:27 pm January, 7 Dr. Eve Summers said...

@Douchenozzle. More like holly crap. Here I have a question for the Rev.. Did you have a stroke when writing that?

12:28 pm January, 7 creature said...

…also rev, being a canuck & all, are you related to Mongor?

12:45 pm January, 7 Wheezer said...

So Mongor’s into mulattoranges (respect)?

12:49 pm January, 7 Vin Douchal said...

Dear Rev,

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I have a blood test coming up.

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How long does it take for vicodin, Kodiak , cigars, Crown Royal, testosterone supplements and nitrous oxide take to clear out of the system for the best non-nicotine, no drug use health insurance rates?

.

I can do without the drinking but the vicodin and Kodiak are , shall we say, habitual….

1:14 pm January, 7 Bag Margera said...

Dear Rev. Chad

.

What do Canadians outside of Toronto do, besides talk about Toronto?

1:17 pm January, 7 Dr. Eve Summers said...

@ Vin Douchal. I think the Rev. is convolessing from his massive stroke. I can better answer this being a Dr. Though there is no literature on this matter, you diet of narcotics, alchool, and male enhancement suppliments is very nutritional mainly due to the antioxident effect of Kodiak. I suggest taking more pills and foregoing the health insurance since you wont be needing coverage.

1:25 pm January, 7 creature said...

dear rev, can dogs & bees smell fear?

1:32 pm January, 7 Charles Douchewin said...

It’s just a hunch, but I don’t think Dr. buzzkill Summers is a real doctor.

1:41 pm January, 7 Dr. Eve Summers said...

@Charles Douchewin. I am Dr. Eve Summers pHd in Hotel Manegment from the School of Hard Knocks an online institution of higher education. Though no medical board has certified me, this only means that my diagnosis do not have to be limited by ordinary medicine. Well I say if Vin Douchell wants to take Kodiak which I assume is the dried testicals of Kodiak Bears, then I say he does not need health insurance, unless that Kodiak bear gets a hold off him looking for his balls back. But even then he will mostly likely die and health insurance will be useless.

1:53 pm January, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’m gonna answer some new questions in the threads.

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@Dan

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Troll.

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@Douchey

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I always keep a tissue handy and after maybe five minutes and a glass of Metamucil later I give her a kiss and blow the scene baby.

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@Douche Nozzle

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Their is no position more esteemed in the Kroeger Temple of Female Worship than Reverend, but I thank you for your nomination and my secretary will be contacting the Holy See of the Vatican cause who the fuck wouldn’t want to be a fucking Cardinal?

1:54 pm January, 7 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Dr. Eve Summers almost make me look back wistfully at the ramblings of Nancy Dreuche.

.

.

Almost.

2:00 pm January, 7 DarkSock said...

My dick’s so big I ejaculate tractors.

2:00 pm January, 7 DarkSock said...

My dick’s so big I literally have a landing strip on my groin so it can take off into erection.

2:00 pm January, 7 DarkSock said...

My dick’s so big it has wheels on it.

2:01 pm January, 7 DarkSock said...

My dick’s so big I have to use a chair to piss.

2:07 pm January, 7 hermit said...

Love that DB1 threw the Rev a bone with the mulatto pic.

Btw my smartphone auto-corrects mulatto as “emulator.”

.

“God help us all” indeed.

2:12 pm January, 7 douchenozzle said...

Dark socks dick is so small his wife ejaculates tears. His dick is so small Mongor would change the look on his face if he saw it.

2:23 pm January, 7 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Mongor just get done with a round of chemo?

2:41 pm January, 7 creature said...

my dick is sensitive to temp….in the great white north it resembles a canadian snapping turtle, in the tropics it becomes a boa constrictor that wrassles & consumes whole live pigs

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snake handlers

2:57 pm January, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Creature

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I believe that could be attained if our departed friend Medusa cranked up Frank Mercutio and did The Mexican Hat Basket.

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@Dr Eve Summers

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Eat my wad.

3:09 pm January, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Vin

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I just looked at the rejection form from my last application and as long as you purify for two weeks they may not detect anything. Unless they take a fucking hair sample but I think that may be against your 57th amendment rights. For the liver function test I would suggest a month on milk thistle and dandelion root, one tin of sardines in hot sauce, V-8 juice in copious amounts, and a good regimin of B-12 per day. The killer is if you have had drinking and driving or health issues which have resulted in licence suspension. Active psychiatric supervision is a no-no as well. Thanks for your question Vin and if you need any more hints call Kroeger Penis Sheaths for some sneaky solutions. http://kroeger.org

3:19 pm January, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Bag

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People outside of Toronto don’t give a sweet fuck. I’m glad I’m back in shitown. We only pay attention to politics cause nwe can’t get news without Toronto shit every night. Masked black men kill couple in Rexdale every night is sad news. We do cheer on Rob Ford when all you liberals (assumption) get on his case cause he’s fat and doesn’t hang around Yorkville, and he’s not kissing minority (gay and gangster Caribana) ass all the time.

Fuck you McGuinty if I ever got a chance to cut your fucking head off I would do it slowly. Son.

.

Thank you Bag M. You problably know i lived there in the burbs for a while, shit on the Don Mills bridge and blew the fuck outta there. Thanks for the question.

3:54 pm January, 7 DarkSock said...

My dick’s so big I surf on it

3:54 pm January, 7 DarkSock said...

My dick’s so big I live inside it

3:55 pm January, 7 DarkSock said...

My dick’s so big it’s used for fracking.

3:56 pm January, 7 DarkSock said...

My dick’s so big it pays taxes.

3:57 pm January, 7 DarkSock said...

My dick’s so big it takes Honey Boo Boo’s mother on a forklift to jack it off.

4:44 pm January, 7 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I want some Kroeger Herb!

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http://www.kroegerherb.com/

5:04 pm January, 7 Bag Margera said...

Oh, I didn’t actually know that you have some Toronto living under your belt. Any gripe you have is completely valid now.

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I wouldn’t call myself a liberal, but if you’re conservative, than yeah, that’s probably what you’d call me. But no I’m about that sweet sweet Direct Democracy, and I vote for the Online Party, which is so new and obscurely fringe, it makes the Family Party look like the goddamn Reform.

.

Personally though I didn’t think Rob Ford was that bad of a Mayor, but he was a fucking liability, and we all knew that when we voted for him. People puss and pout about how he got fired on a useless technicality, but whatever. They just need to find someone who isn’t a liability, and try again.

.

Fuck McGuinty. That guy has been living on painkiller abuse, in a hole in the wall, for the past 12 years. He peaks his head out once a year to remind us he has a job, gets scared by the shadow of his eyebrows, runs back in the hole, and we get 6 extra weeks of winter. We call that day Family Day.

5:52 pm January, 7 douchenozzle said...

Dark Sock’s dick is so small even the Rev. wouldn’t be impressed with it and the Reverand was even impressed with Mongor’s nub.

6:29 pm January, 7 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

The Rev’s wisdom is a beautiful thing, kind of like a plate of fine sushi that you don’t know is covered covered with salmonella because salmonella is invisible just like god and therefore probably made up. I only wish I had studied Canadian so that I could understand more.

6:46 pm January, 7 Jeff said...

Since the lobotomy the Rev hasn’t made any sense–maybe they should put a gyroscope in his monkeyhole.

7:47 pm January, 7 The Dude said...

DarkSock’s dick is so big it can see Russia. From Wyoming.

7:50 pm January, 7 The Dude said...

DarkSock’s dick is so big they’re changing the name of the Eiffel Tower in its honor, and hanging a life-size painting of it in the first seven rooms of the east wing of the Louvre.

7:51 pm January, 7 The Dude said...

DarkSock’s dick is so big it can’t fit in the Chunnel.

7:51 pm January, 7 The Dude said...

DarkSock’s dick is so big a Toyota Tundra can’t haul it.

7:55 pm January, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Oh yeah, Dark Sock?

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My dick’s so big it has chest hair

7:56 pm January, 7 Bag Margera said...

@ Dude

Rob Ford = Right wing toronto mayor, recently fired for using official “office of the mayor” stationary, to make money for the kids football team he coaches.

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Dalton McGuinty = incompetent left-of-center Premier of Ontario which would be the equivalent of governor to your state.

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Rexdale = A poor urban Area of Toronto, that gets a lot of negative media attention so that white people move away and fill out the rest of the baron wasteland , that is Canada.

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Toronto = Deemed by all of Canada to be the most Americanized city in all of Canada, and therefore the most un-Canadian place to be in the world.

7:56 pm January, 7 The Dude said...

DarkSock’s dick is so big it matches the curvature of the Earth when he does a handstand.

7:57 pm January, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

My dick’s so big hosts a primetime game show.

7:57 pm January, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

My dick’s so big you need a 55 gallon drum of glycerin and a grain thresher to jack me off.

7:58 pm January, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

My dick’s so big if you were to fuck my dick in the ass it wouldn’t feel it.

7:59 pm January, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

My dick’s so big it holds my head above the toilet when I’m vomiting.

8:00 pm January, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

My dick’s so big it’s been writing big dick jokes this whole time.

8:00 pm January, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

My dick’s so big it has gout.

8:01 pm January, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

My dick’s so big it called Putin a pussy and he just sat down and cried.

8:02 pm January, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

My dick’s so big all the cum that came out of it between 1995 and 2002 is still sliding down the shaft in the form of a glacier.

8:03 pm January, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

My dick’s so big I can fuck a mine shaft.

8:06 pm January, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

My dick’s so big that 7-Eleven added a new soft drink size. Now there’s Gulp, Big Gulp, Double Gulp, Super Big Gulp, and My Dick.

8:07 pm January, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

My dick’s so big it can drink a fifth of Everclear and still not blow a .08.

8:35 pm January, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

My dick’s so big it has 11 provinces and 4 territories.

8:35 pm January, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

And yes, that last one took me a half hour to come up with.

8:44 pm January, 7 MC Macmemsy said...

He Just Bangs Bitches Occasionally Bangs His Wife Drinks and Smokes Doob – Canadian Style

8:55 pm January, 7 MC Mackemsy said...

A classic entry from He Just Bangs Bitches Occasionally Bangs His Wife Drinks and Sparks up Doobs

8:30 am January, 8 DarkSock said...

My dick’s so big your dick orbits it.

8:30 am January, 8 DarkSock said...

Wait…

4:26 pm January, 8 Stephanie said...

Is it me or are these kids looking more like mongoloids?

Devo

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