Monday, January 14, 2013

Breaking: Seal Team Six Insists That "Zero Dark Thirty" Inaccurately Portrays Them as Douchebags

collarpop

The Duffelblog breaks the story:

———-

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA- An anonymous Public Affairs Officer (PAO) for Seal Team Six says the movie “Zero Dark Thirty” is factually inaccurate, portraying Seal Team Six members like the douchebags from Seal Team Two.

“At one point Joel Edgarton’s character wears a polo shirt with a popped collar,” the PAO said. “Team Six doesn’t do that. We’re the baddest motherf@#kers on the planet. We don’t wear shit like Tapout shirts, Ed Hardy jeans, or fedoras. That’s Team Two.”

The members of Seal Team Two, who the rest of the Special Warfare community calls “very special operators,” gained their reputation in the last decade as the Navy’s demand for SEALs skyrocketed. Not enough sailors were passing Basic Underwater Demolition/Seal (BUD/S) training, so SEAL Team Two began recruiting civilians from local tanning salons and UFC parties. Actual SEALs in Team Two were transferred to other units, including the illustrious Team 11.

“Team Two is a joke,” the PAO from SEAL Team Six said. “Their PT uniform is a sleeveless t-shirt with slits down the side so people can check out their rib tats. On their last deployment they petitioned the White House to open a Hooters in Afghanistan. A few years ago they spent their entire training budget to make a calendar,” the PAO paused. “What’s up with that guy second from the right?”

Captain David Witten, Commanding Officer of Seal Team Two, said he was too busy to be interviewed because he was at the gym “getting swoll” but told The Duffel Blog he could bench three hundred and twenty five pounds.

He said he would be willing to do an interview afterwards but it would have to be quick because he was going to “pound brewskis with his bros.”

————-

# posted by douchebag1
12:24 pm January, 14 Et Tu Douche? said...

Brilliant stuff

12:27 pm January, 14 Douchble Helix said...

Now, *that’s* a movie!

1:46 pm January, 14 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

“Captain David Witten…told the Duffel Blog he could bench three hundred and twenty five pounds.” That my friends, is exceptional writing.

3:15 pm January, 14 Tits McGee said...

I was having an average Monday until I read this. Leave it to Kathryn Bigelow to learn the nefarious ways of the douche by marrying one and then to spend the rest of her professional career mocking them through her craft of cinematic art.

Bravo.

5:53 pm January, 14 The Dude said...

Wow. I don’t know what to say, and I am saying it.

12:09 am January, 15 Stephanie said...

Well,he was at the gym,getting swoll,but that was in the locker room.

8:05 am January, 15 wonderdouche twin said...

Wait what vent shirts aren’t cool anymore??

12:50 am January, 17 Little Willie said...

Russell Crow was photographed on the crapper while emptying his bowels of another a bad case of involuntary explosive diarrhea.

Leave a Reply

What is 3 + 2 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)