Wednesday, January 2, 2013

HCwDB in 2013

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Boobs n’ Douche.

That’s what this site is made of.

That’s what it’ll always be made of.

But there are some changes in store for this humble site in 2013. I’m all outta multiple daily douche mocking, so that’s gonna slow down. And besides, the regulars in the comments threads are far funnier than anything my Night Train and HoHo infested mind can come up with these days.

So for HCwDB-2013, some of the regs’ll be contributing to the daily mock. Writing weekly columns of their own on all things douche-mock and anything else they feel like writing on. Still figuring out the schedule, but I’m hoping to promote five or six regulars to their own ranting columns in the next week or so.

That way each day’ll stay fresh with something fun going on on the site.

I’ll still chime in with daily-or-so douche mock when appropriate quality pics come my way. Hopefully do some links on Fridays. The ‘Sock’ll still do his Friday Haiku and maybe another column.

It’s time to open up the site a bit to talk about larger cultural issues and concerns that need addressing.

And by addressing, I mean pooping on.

And Pear.

Always Pear.

Especially Uberhott Texting Pear.

# posted by douchebag1
7:08 am January, 2 DoucheyWallnuts said...

This photo reminds me of the innocent days of Douche and Bleeth from a bygone era (error). And by that I mean I’d love to deposit New Year’s cheer in her rear.

7:15 am January, 2 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

Get that fake dog tag off her and replace it with something more proper-

Ejaculate

or man canon grease

7:49 am January, 2 Wheezer said...

Between Texting Pear and Camo-Alba Hott, this has been already one terrific year.

8:16 am January, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’m in tears. And by tears I mean pre-ejaculate running down my upside-down man-area from that link. Holy teenage whores Batman!. Fuck, off no one asked me if things were gonna change around here!

At least when I used to get the gonorreah scope the fucking nurse told me first. Who do you think you are DB1? You are not my father or as pretty as Princess Leah in chains or Senator Padme Amidala in anything the little Jew minx. If I don’t merit a weekly rant you ca n all go fuck yourselves ya bunch of Hymies.

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I, Reverend Chad Kroeger, Master of All Things Doobulicious. King of the Pooniverse, Top Sister of Thespians for Lesbians, and PHd Candidate demand, no, threaten with violence that I may be given a chance to contribute. And by threaten, I mean beg.

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Answer, as usual in the threads.

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^Get it?

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And please welcome my ridiculously wealthy friend who will honour (CDN spelling, respect) us with an appearance at the next Douchies?

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http://www.vevo.com/watch/kim-mitchell/patio-lanterns/CAUM81017964#/watch/kim-mitchell/patio-lanterns/CAUM81017964

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Fuck Im hungover two days later. The good news is the 10 year old is bringing some good looking friends over these days. And by bringing over friends I mean her legal in Canada lifeguards and swimming instructors over 16. I was very well hung at 16. Fuck you you lost ans wasted youth, I’m catching up ypu fuckers.

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This letter is open to DB1 for a public announcement until 11:99 PST.

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Jesse Jacksons?

8:26 am January, 2 Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt said...

i’d give my left nut and half of my right one just to try to ride Uberhott Texting Pear for the full 3 seconds before my mind-blowing splooge rendered me a speechless, whimpering simp !!

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True Fact !

8:33 am January, 2 the luke said...

I’m so confused… what year was this picture taken in??? It has elements from the last 3 decades in it.

8:54 am January, 2 douchebag1 said...

Rev. Chad, I emailed you twice, write a brotha back!

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- management

8:56 am January, 2 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Is Kim Mitchell a real person or David Lee Roth’s anorexic doppelgänger?

9:24 am January, 2 Dan said...

Someone’s gotta know the name of the porn starlet. I just hope the two douchebags are producers or management and not performers.

9:47 am January, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Looks like the lite version of the Uberbros, which is still pretty rancid, and Hillbilly Alyssa Milano.

10:04 am January, 2 Reverend Chad's Remote Hotspot Location said...

Thanks for the heads up on the email DB1. What the fuck is email?

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The words “Hillbilly Alyssa Milano” have given me more of a Renob than the chance I had to make a dude’s wife enloy my looking at her 52 year old cleavage the other night. My name is Chad and I am a pig.

10:16 am January, 2 creature said...

Jlo services the puerto rican special services….& by services I mean glory hole doiley bukakake headdress

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spackle yackers

11:45 am January, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Uberhott texting pear has to check with your bank all major credit reporting agencies before she will friend you on facebook.

12:33 pm January, 2 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Dude McC

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She’s on here:

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http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/26/business/even-cupid-wants-to-know-your-credit-score.html?_r=0

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Somebody’s gotta keep her in stripper heels and Krystal bubble baths now don’t they?

1:13 pm January, 2 DoucheyWallnuts said...

bukakake headdress is the name of my new band.

2:38 pm January, 2 DarkSock said...

I’d like to give her something fatigued…

.

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…wait…

3:04 pm January, 2 The Dude said...

Over the years, I’ve come to trust the regs here. I have a deeply personal question to ask: who the fuck is Justin Bieber? I refuse to Google him, he sounds like someone who leaves bad stains.

3:19 pm January, 2 Vin Douchal said...

Hispano-Douches rescue Luberta’s yabbos from leering eyes and sunburn. We all lose, especially if they get to touch them

3:23 pm January, 2 Mr. Biggs said...

Wow, the look in her eyes is like she’s literally getting raped just as the cameraman snaps the photo.

3:24 pm January, 2 chad kroeger said...

I don’t know about you dudes, but Dude’s link has me all but lost for our darker hooker cousins. And by cousins, I mean that’s what I tell the dark broads the game we are playing for the half-hour special is called. I get them to call me Vanilla Glacier after they cum in three minutes and start screaming how much they love my cock.

4:32 pm January, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I once asked myself the question, “Who is Justin Bieber?”.

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I promised myself that if the info was ever revealed to me I’d fuck my sister. It was really good sex like the David Cassidy thing when I was seven and ripped her diaper off. She was a shitty fuck back then!

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Too paedo? Too soon? Too ridiculous?

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I don’t care cause I am stuck in my luxurious home office which I rarely use for officing with an ear to the east for the next fucking ski-doo that goes by cause I got my shoes on and am going to straight arm the fucker if he goes by again, preferably with a passenger to mitigate my criminal intent. Fuck I hate loud loud things and front yard trouble. Fuck you three feet of snow! You cocksucker!

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2YRMixW9u8

4:38 pm January, 2 Et Tu Douche? said...

Hey Boss I got an idea how about a weekly “Ask the Rev” segment? people can write in hopefully to get answers to whatever problems are vexing them. Preferably he would only address said questions in the late evening/early morn when he is most coherent.

As a matter of fact I’ll start right now.

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Dear Right Honorable Reverend Chad,

At what age should one start paying attention to and lusting after MILF? I kick myself that I got a late start on the MILF appreciation bandwagon and I feel as a public service some sort of precedent needs to be set.

Yours truly ETD?.

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I’m telling you it’s gold, also don’t forget about Hermit & DW

4:47 pm January, 2 The Dude said...

I’m just glad that for the next several months I can have unprotected sex with Kim Kardouchian without getting her more impregnated. And by that I mean, is there some other habitable world? Has the dude from Virgin Air figgered that out yet?

4:55 pm January, 2 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Pass me up for a weekly column, will you? Well…prepare for an unholy shitphoon of disturbing links and racist jokes the likes of which you have NEVER seen!

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Okay, so I haven’t been a good reg over the past year. 2011 was really my time to shine. But YOU try and contribute a six to eight paragraph tale of getting your dick shit on by a girl or forearm up a goats vagina every day whilst holding a 70+ hr/week job that has some bullshitty “Acceptable Use” IT policy. Not – gonna – fuckin’ – happen!

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What the fuck ever, I probably don’t have time to try to swing a weekly column anyways. The job, the wife, a recording studio, four bands, and a home brewing obsession keep me plenty busy. I could do once a month or every other week at best, but who would be up for the analogies I tend to spin anyways? Are you all really prepared to hear about the time I pegged an ex-GF doggie style less than 8 hour after her abortion and licked the uterine lining entwined spunk off her asshole in all its glorious detail?

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Didn’t think so.

5:02 pm January, 2 Jacques Doucheteau said...

And speaking of which, half-nekid-quasi-Latino-girl there… Yeah, girl, I see you. You up for a little post pregnancy-abridged pounding? I know you Catholic sluts don’t believe in using baby barriers, but you fear the stretch marks enough to commit a mortal sin, so it’s only a matter of time.

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So tell me, which feels bigger, my Buddha-shaped cawk or the vacuum hose? Though we both know which one will make you fill empty inside, and which will fill that cavity back up.

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But I’ll tell you what…both will give you nightmares about babies with knives coming after you.

5:10 pm January, 2 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Oh crap! I almost forgot.

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Sorry.

5:21 pm January, 2 JustMC said...

Beneath her elven camo, FloJo Funbaggins vanishes to safety just as the gates of Mordouche close. A bewildered Prince-douche and Afro-Anthony-Edwards are left to merge in a moment of confused frustration and inadvertent homo-eroticism. Hijinks ensue.

5:23 pm January, 2 Morbo said...

@ The Dude:

Justin Bieber is the end result of 30 years of boy band engineering. New Kids on the Block, N-Sync, 98 Degrees … all were just experiments to create the perfect engine of destruction that is Bieber.

Few have mastered so many douche attributes at so young an age. The annoying haircut, the general annoying boy band vibe (i.e., he gets more high-quality tail at age 16 than I have in my entire life and makes swoony eyes at the teeny hotts appropriately), the douchey clothes, I could go on and on. That he’s not a first ballot entry in the Hall of Scrote is simply an oversight.

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The first time I saw him was in the “Baby” video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGKD7HJA-ms

Within 30 seconds I wanted to punch him in whatever passes for his prepubescent nutsack. Not to keep him from reproducing, just for being such a douchey little shit.

Some time later, I was walking through Wal-Mart and saw a display of Bieber posters. Next to them was a life-size cutout of the little bastard. My first impulse was to attack the cutout, rip it apart and take a piss on it. Cooler heads, and not wanting to be able to utter the phrase, “I can’t go into that Wal-Mart anymore,” kept me from acting on it.

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I hate Bieber with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. If there was a rocket ship heading to the sun, and I got to pick the VIP seats, he’d be in the front row alongside Fergie.

In short, Bieber is the reigning king of the “bratty rich teenager” douche subculture. I want to bash his smug little face in with a brick.

5:40 pm January, 2 The Dude said...

Morbo, I’d like to thank you for that thorough response to my query. <only one ~e~ there. Pride intact.

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So, he's a Biebag?

6:21 pm January, 2 Morbo said...

Absolutely, Dude. A Biebag (which is a nice term for any snotty little overprivileged teenage bratbag) and an abomination unto the Lord.

6:29 pm January, 2 ehcuodouche said...

My resolution was to be master of my domain for all of 2013 and also not to vomit. Thanks for helping me break both of those so quickly in 2013 (though I lasted about 12 hours longer on the former than in 2012).

6:39 pm January, 2 ehcuodouche said...

You simply don’t see that kind of breast shape anymore. Not since 16 year olds started getting their parents to buy them implants. Nowadays, kids are flashing their boobs on twitter before they even get their learners permit. Nipples already facing the sky. It’s so sad. I thought the natural pouting breast didn’t exist anymore until I saw those. It brings back the days of trying to finish fapping to Miss December 1983 before my dad and mom pulled back into the driveway.

7:03 pm January, 2 DoucheyWallnuts said...

C’mon Jacques, you can cobble together better posts in your sleep, or comatose even, than most of us ever could whilst conscious. Once a month would be a paragraph a week’s worth of output.

7:14 pm January, 2 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Thanks DW, you’re greased up handjobs to the intellect mean more than most. And I mean that.

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And fuck you and your open thumbed finger pointing like goddamned John Walsh. I just downed my 4th Manhattan. Goddamn right each one had a maraschino cherry garnish, so I’m feeling particularly codgerly and bitter like the dash of Angostura in each one.

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God-DAMNIT!

7:16 pm January, 2 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Aha! *your*

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I have the grammar of a goddamn skull fucked Boston Terrier without a CPAP tonight.

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Wait…what?

9:39 pm January, 2 DarkSock said...

I’m all for a Jacques segment. Albeit WITHOUT link privileges, unless he changes his name to BCS 2.0.

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Et Tu – We’re on the same page. My first thought was “How awesome would it be to have an Ask Dr. RevChad”; like the Rolling Stone column “Ask Dr. Ozzy”, although to be fair Ozzy has a sober interpreter.

11:05 pm January, 2 Douchble Helix said...

Back to the chick for a second. I’m a big fan of the daylight between the thighs. But sometimes that just from her being young.

1:35 am January, 3 Stephanie said...

You can just draw in dollar signs on the guy’s eyes can’t you? You know the only one that’s going to be “working”.

6:47 am January, 3 DarkSock said...

Douchble Helix at 11:05 pm has identified the ultra-rare sidecheek-through-holy-triangle phenomenon.

7:19 am January, 3 DoucheyWallnuts said...

The Coochie Air Triangle gives me a renoB.

7:44 am January, 3 Douche Wayne said...

re: HCWDB 2013

This is going to be awesome.

7:47 am January, 3 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Coochie Air Triangle is the name of my next band.

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Soliloquizers

11:17 am January, 3 Duck Duck Douche said...

I should probably be miffed that I was not invited to contribute, but since I can’t seem to pry myself away from igotlostagain it’s all good.

3:50 pm January, 3 Wheezer said...

I have a morbid fuccen fascination/curiosity when it comes to Jacques’ links. One would think the burn of the hot stove would serve as a warning, but NOOOOOOOOOOO! Not for me!

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I think it’s Pavlovian: perhaps I have hopes his links will turn out more like Vin’s in time, but for now, the slobber is fear-based.

4:52 pm January, 3 Douchble Helix said...

Thanks, DS! I *knew* that must have an official name.

4:53 pm January, 3 Douchble Helix said...

You, too, DW!

8:03 pm January, 3 Macsorley McScrote said...

Justin Bieber is John Galt’s long lost love child. That is why you ask “who is Justin Bieber.” But I digress. Fear not fellow bag hunters, these two escapees from the Menudo reunion tour are far too gay to want Alba-Hott. Excuse the phuck out of me for being a homodoucheaphobe. Butt douche. Gross!

7:49 am January, 5 Will Pounder said...

Uberhott texting pear Jaclyn Swedberg?

11:24 am January, 5 JustMC said...

Bieber makes Ari Gold’s obnoxious neighbor kid seem like The Dude by comparison.

4:20 am January, 7 Guid is Good said...

I think I’ve caught a disease just looking at that chick.

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