Friday, January 25, 2013

Head Shop: The Dye that Binds

Over the past few years the commonality that is douche has fractured, diversified, and multiplied.  Like a true virus, the Grieco strain has mutated from simple Jersey Bag to Muscle bag, Eurobag, White trash bag, and the more recent hypsterbag.  And while each sack of genetic poo strives to maintain its own distinct identity, common elements remain that tie them unapologetically back to their ancestral progenitor.  I speak of ink and orange.  While some may rock the v-neck tee, and others the lip of duck and hair of gel, while others will have cones of sila, or biceps of ‘roid, every one of them will have skin of carrot adorned with stars, skulls, and Asian script.

To the tune of “People Who Died” by Jim Carroll [RIP]

Teddy smearing poo, he was 12 years old

Spread the tone from his own behind

Arty was 11 when he caught the drug

His tangerine sheen didn’t have no tan lines

Bobby hit the tanning booth, 14 years old

He looked like pumpkin pie when he dyed

He was a bro’ of mine

Those are douchebags who dyed, dyed

They were all my bros, and they dyed

Mickey and Paulie let their six-packs all soften

So they inked them up with nonsense words as a distraction

Sly in Wildwood, “THUG LIFF” on his head

Bobby leaves a full-sized smear of cocoa in his bed

They were three more bros of mine

Three more bros that dyed

Those are douchebags who dyed, dyed

They were all my bros, and they dyed

Karly shows her back tatts in the Boom Boom Room

Britney inked herself from her head to her womb

Judy’s skin color was hard to explain

Eddie matched hers to a cheddar cheese stain

And Eddie, you’re orangier than all the others

And I salute you mother

Those are hot chicks who dyed, dyed

They were all my hos, and they dyed

Herbie inked Tony on the high school roof

Tony thought that a skull would show the truth

‘So Herbie serve up Tony some, some bitchin’ proof

“Hey,” Herbie said, “Tony, are you fly?”

But Tony wasn’t fly, Tony dyed

Those are douchebags who dyed, dyed

They were all my bros, and they dyed

Bennie inked his guns with a Poly wrap

He flashed the tatt while raging at some bikers

He said, “Hey, I know it’s obvious, I’m a steel cage fighter”

But the next day he got raped by those very same bikers

Those are douchebags who dyed, dyed

They were all my bros, and they dyed

# posted by JeanClaudeVanDouche
3:37 pm January, 25 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Salty Fuccen Tears. Son.

5:33 pm January, 25 Et Tu Douche? said...

Good movie by the way and a good song. Leo bangs some serious tang.

6:02 pm January, 25 Mr. Biggs said...

I miss this song.

8:27 pm January, 25 DarkSock said...

Hot Snotty Tears. Stepchild.

9:14 pm January, 25 Troy Tempest said...

Here’s some pear. I hope.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/319860_10200466447573895_2092185984_n.jpg

9:49 pm January, 25 creature said...

meh

9:49 pm January, 25 creature said...

…like the tune, don’t want to douche it up

2:13 am January, 26 Baron Von Goolo said...

Well. That was significantly funnier than I expected it would be. Bravo on the pumpkin pie, sport.

10:10 am January, 26 Vin J Douchal said...

That was good but I’m still pissed at the ‘Sock for erasing the wrong McRoofie post yesterday. I poured some comedy gold that disappeared. Fuck disappearing comedy posts. My memory can’t rehash shit anymore . M. Scrotato Head is a lyrical genius. My Sudafed is wearing off . I’m gonna take it with a tall glass of Crown Royal. I feel like warmed over shit waffles . Fucking head cold

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