Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Hermit's Scrapbook: The Truth About Bathsalts

way-to-ruin-the-pear-knobgobbler (1)

Bath salts gained a bad reputation after last summer’s report of a deranged man shot by Miami police while making a meal out of some homeless dude’s face. Now I’m not opposed to consensual cannibalism but I was always taught better than to misuse a cleaning product.

What many don’t realize is that bath salts have been around for over a century and have many legitimate uses.

Take for example dear departed Grandmother Hermit. She was a strict Baptist and a member of the Steamfitter’s Union Local 353. Grandmother was righteous and upright, a woman of impeccable virtue. She would bristle at the telling of lies and tremble with rage at the utterance of profanity. Woe be to the child who dared use vulgarity in her presence.

I can still recall the horror of being bent roughly over the Kitchen Sink Altar as a sacrificial offering to the God who abhors filthy language.

The bitter taste of dirty hand soap forcibly shoved past my unclean lips in order to cleanse the palate of my iniquity.

The gagging and coughing as I gasped for breath between sharp rebukes and numbing blows to the side of my head from Grandmother’s swift and terrible hand of righteousness. Make no mistake, Grandma was the last person to use a product in any way other than how the Lord had intended.

Despite her charm, virtue and rock-solid strength, Grandmother had an Achilles heel along with bunions and Plantar fasciitis. To ease her aching feet she would spend her evenings sitting in the living room listening to The Lone Ranger on the radio with a bottle of Johnny Walker Red and a copy of Popular Mechanics across her lap, soaking her sore feet in a tub of warm water laced with Epsom Salts. The salts would soothe her aching bunions and cause pleasurable electrical sensations in her ankles and nipples.

– hermit

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# posted by Douchelips
1:10 pm January, 23 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Hermit is really Ralphie????

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fo’ shizzle

1:13 pm January, 23 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@Rev Chad

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What are you views on spanking? Only for corporeal punishment or as foreplay in the boudoir? Or both? I think a complete and in-depth analysis should be your next column.

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Now what made me think of that? Hmmmmmmmmmmm…..

1:24 pm January, 23 Douchble Helix said...

I don’t whether to laugh or to cry.

1:45 pm January, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

That sounds like a good God fearing woman you describe Hermit. Can I have an Amen?

1:50 pm January, 23 creature said...

I would vigorously scrub blonde hotts bunghole with bathsalts for squeaky out a high pitchd tuner

1:52 pm January, 23 Vin Douchal said...

Don’t know what’s going on with that Andy Dick looking DJ but that blondie is the real deal, Son

1:59 pm January, 23 The Dude said...

How do you say “I am sooo there!” in english?

2:52 pm January, 23 Douchble Helix said...

I think a cursory closer inspection will find a lot of “good from far”, but “far from good” aspects to the “blond”.

3:48 pm January, 23 bigphatnotadouche said...

Damn – that’s some good looking, fun loving, rolicking pear.

My reNob approves…

spinners

4:08 pm January, 23 Charles Douchewin said...

It looks like they’ve arrived really really early to a cramped club – in his living room.

6:36 pm January, 23 Dr. Don Keydic PHD MD ESQ Sr Emeritus said...

I don’t know if it was florescent pear’s sculpted triceps, Hermit’s erotic depiction of his S&M auto mechanic alcholic grandma, or the talk about cannbilism but when I jurked off to this photo I got out four really potent squirts. I have only been able to get out one or two healthy blasts as of late. But I got four legitimate 4 foot squirts. Thanks Hermit.

6:42 pm January, 23 Dr. Don Keydic PHD MD ESQ Sr Emeritus said...

Sorry one last thing, Hermit. Is Dj Micheal J. McPalsyfingers a simese twin joined at the ass to another dude? Because I seem to see the vague outline of some dude coming out his ass or something.

7:16 pm January, 23 Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt said...

Is she giving Mayan Smile of Ass Sex? My loins say it is so.

8:44 pm January, 23 Douchble Helix said...

Dr. Don cracks me up.

8:53 pm January, 23 creature said...

sorry d helix, but unless yall are the same guy, dr don is a retard….it’s called a 4 roper, ya tool!

8:55 pm January, 23 creature said...

…plus i tinks dey are germans…pronouced ‘yermans’! for the record

9:00 pm January, 23 DarkSock said...

Eloquent American Goth as always, hermit.

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The accompanying photo reminds me…I got a lotta pear to unload…Perhaps I shall do a Pear after Dark tomorrow lest I get backed up like Dr. Don’s yogurt satchels.

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Backsliders.

9:12 pm January, 23 Dr. Don Keydic PHD MD ESQ Sr Emeritus said...

@Creature. Sorry I did not know the exact terminology for shooting a massive mentos in a diet coke bottle load. I guess you’ve taken so many to the face, you know the lingo.

Remind you of the old days in Germany doing Porn with well hung black dudes Creature?

9:14 pm January, 23 creature said...

ND?

9:56 pm January, 23 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Granma’s Plantar fasciitis erotica.

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A new era dawns.

11:19 pm January, 23 The Dude said...

^omg that is so funny I must be dead!^ Merci, Jacques!

11:24 pm January, 23 The Dude said...

There once was a Doctor named Don

Who hithered and thithered and yawned

For bright green bikinis

Are not for him seemly

Of properness for his new fawn

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I just don’t have it in the night time. ‘nother dud. shit.

11:59 pm January, 23 The Dude said...

When starting a terrible limerick

One must not obsess about little pricks

The wee ones pervade

But time will be made

To outsource those weenies to…

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Geez, I hate it already, can’t even finish the damn thing!

5:09 am January, 24 Guid is Good said...

I’m not sure what neon green bikini Bleeth is costing these guys but it is money well spent.

8:26 am January, 24 Douche Wayne said...

My punishment for cursing was a healthy shot of Tabasco, right on the tongue. Agony as a child, but now I can’t eat anything without dousing it in either Tabasco or Frank’s Red Hot. I do, indeed, put that shit on everything.

This country was built on the backs of Americans like Grandmother Hermit.

8:27 am January, 24 Douche Wayne said...

Looks like one final rager before the foreclosure.

9:09 am January, 24 jonezy said...

consensual. Reminds me of one of my more recent question postulations that I pull out when conversations dwindle to awkwardness- I double down on awkwardness with this one:

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Let’s say the Hott in the above picture gets bit and becomes zombiefied. Hott is a zombie. If you fuck her, is it considered rape?

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We can go ahead and say she was already your girlfriend, so the consent had been given before, but the fact remains, can a sentient being that doesn’t have the capacity to make decisions still be fucked? Its not like her body is less hot, but it is along the lines of bestiality.

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Anyway, I’ve had the conversation at length, but feel free to discuss among yourselves. Now I’m all verklempft.

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Perhaps the Rev wants to take this one up next week…

9:25 am January, 24 UFO Destroyers said...

Since she reminds me of a poor man’s Kate Winslet, this must be the poor man’s version of the Titanic band–the Costa Concordia DJ.

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What?

Too soon?

Not soon enough?

2:42 pm January, 24 Duck Duck Douche said...

There was a time, when

We’d see a girl, then

Ask her number, men

Dialed her digits, given

Not a chance, often

Hung up on, open

HCwDB, yen

For pear and hottie, peen

Finding nothing.

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