Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Wallnuts After Dark

WorldWideAndy

Welcome to the first installment a my new feature here on HCWDB, “Wallnuts After Dark.” I figures since I gave Hef the idea for his show back in the 50s, and the title for it that he didn’t use 10 years later, I might as well use it now since he ain’t.

So anyways, I’ll be usin’ this regular feature here to tell stories from back in the day, give my thoughts on how things have progressed over the years, and tellin ya about what we drank, what we wore, how we was, and how all a that differs from what’s goin’ on now.

Bein’ I’m a raconteur, I have some great stories for ya.

So, speakin’ a Hef, there was no guy who worked harder to “class up the joint,” as we used to say. Class, that’s one a them things that’s missin’ today. When you get some time, check out Sammy on this here video from Hef’s first show, “Playboy’s Penthouse”

Now, I was flippin’ through the channels the other night and I came across that benefit concert they had for the victims a that f@#kin’ hurricane we had back there in October. Now, on the good side, these organizers or promoters a today are real civic minded, you see. They got this thing together licketty-split and got all a the big names to pitch in, even the ugly, too-old British guys.

Now I make fun a the old Brits but back in my day, the boys never would a gotten together to pass the hat for a bunch of unfortunates. No way, not never. Sure Frank ponied up with cash and gave tons a dough to hospitals and for sick kids and all kinds a stuff like that, and some a the gang was generous to charities and whatnot. But a free concert? Never would a happend.

So I was watchin’ that Who group, or whatever the f@#k they’re called, and I’m rememberin’ them from when they was young punks and had that wild kid playin’ the drums and they would wreck hotel rooms and trow TVs off a balconies into the swimmin’ pool, and I says to myself, “Wallnuts,” I says, “these guys finally growed up.”

One time Frank, Buddy Rich and I got went to go see these kids play at the Whisky-a-Go-Go. Frank and Buddy would sneak in the side door and watch these new rock acts from where nobody could see them, and then talk to the guys after the show. Frank and Buddy hit it off with the Daltry kid and the drummer, and got these young kids blowed by some real dames.

These Who fellas had been boning every dirty, hairy hippy chick groupie they could shake their joints at, but after Frank and Buddy got them dames who was all shaved up down below, they startin’ demandin’ these groupie broads clean up their Snappers.  Clean up their Snappers, I says. They used to come to watch Frank and the guys, but they kept it real quite-like so their fans wouldn’t think they was squares.

Back to the other night. After Who finished this other guy called Kanton West or some f@#kin’ thing, comes on stage wearin’ a skirt and starts with this jibberish that ain’t even rap and certainly ain’t no kind a music. I mean I like the Sugar Hill Gang, Kurtis Blow, LL Cool J, Run DMV, De La Soul, Snoop and those white Jew kids the Beastly Boys or whatever the f@#k they’s called, and some a these other young talents who create stuff that sounds like music, but this was just a cacophony.

Cacophony, I says.

Which brought me back to thinkin’ about Sammy and how he could mesmerize a room full a people whether there was 20 or 20,000 people, no matter what color they was. Somebody needs to tell that Kenyon West character to take a powder. Don’t no one need to hear that. Am I right when I say that? God forbid someone tells this jamoke he’s piss-poor and needs to cheese it. This Mo-mo carryin’ like this is an insult to all a the other class acts out there who is actually good.

——–

 

# posted by Vin Douchal
2:57 pm January, 8 The Dude said...

Excellent start DW! oh, and it’s Tanya West, I believe.

Back in one of those days, some music buddies of mine were one of the acts on a cruise ship. There was a gay towel boy from Thailand named Ting. Ting could tell they were straight, asking “Prayboy-Penhouse?” He had sexy videos to rent.

3:29 pm January, 8 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Wasn’t the dark fella named Canine Vest. I think that bastard’s the one that beat up, on stage, that skinny blonde broad who’s always surprised looking.

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I’m glad you stayed in character for this DW. Did anybody ever fuck that ugly Pearl Bailey? She looked like she came right of the bottle.

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http://hairyvaginas.net/slutty-hairy-milf-brushing-her-hairy-pussy_950.html

3:32 pm January, 8 MC Mackemsy said...

Wow. Just wow. DWallnuts doesn’t even need a fresh pic to beef up his tale. Run DMV FTW. If only all washed up old guys were as cool as DW. If only. Hey DB1, your final grasps at relevancy as you sink in the quicksand of pop culture are paying off (in the form of DW and Hermit) Fuck what I said about this being like “Joanie Loves Chachi” This will be the “Empire Strikes Back” of your little trilogy. And who knows, if you really hypnotize the fans into believing youre Jebus you night be able to get Natalie Portman to play the mother of everything evil.

3:37 pm January, 8 The Dude said...

wow MC, you must have spent a lot of time on that post. Very impressive! Impressive indeed! Asshole

4:26 pm January, 8 MC Mackemsy said...

@The Dude, I’m a thoughtful ass whole. And really what’s it to you? It’s not like I’m saying anything that any of you havent thought a thousand times whilst viewing this site. $ometimes the biggest douchebags are closer than you think.

5:01 pm January, 8 creature said...

opinions are like…what? yeah, I am, er, have one too…

& DW isn’t it Adam West? btw, whaddaya know ’bout the Beatles or the (slowly)rolling stones?

5:21 pm January, 8 MC Mackemsy said...

@creature, where is your feature bro? Did you not suck enough DB1ck to be on the main page?

5:39 pm January, 8 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Despite the fact that the full web address was visible in the Rev’s comments, I still clicked on the links.

.

And I was glad I did.

6:03 pm January, 8 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

So some guys who are already kinda creative like decide to do some regular contributions and you’d think it’s a nice change of pace or at least a worthwhile experiment. Not for everyone apparently, so there has to be some donkey stuffer that can’t be arsed to click off to somewhere they like better on the interwebz and has to pee on people anonymously.

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I believe in karma… not the mystical kind with sparkles and gods with too many arms. The kind of karma where some government suit job or banana-land colonel hands me some bank notes and the name of somebody who needs a karmic adjustment. Just sayin’.

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Anyway, the bloody Who make for a good story DW, and I’m not even taken off points for the effete purple text.

6:20 pm January, 8 creature said...

do I smell the stench of Drueche?

6:30 pm January, 8 DarkSock said...

Hi, Nancy

6:30 pm January, 8 DarkSock said...

“trow TVs off a balconies”, he sez…

7:20 pm January, 8 creature said...

btw, whaddid the mob have on j edgar?

7:22 pm January, 8 creature said...

…I heard he used to dress up as Eleanor Roosevelt for holloween…& thurs. nights

7:31 pm January, 8 Jebus and Natalie Portman said...

Nancy Dreuche is so ugly the doctor slapped her mother.

7:32 pm January, 8 Jebus and Natalie Portman said...

Nancy Dreuche is so fat, she shits in a dumptruck.

7:33 pm January, 8 Jebus and Natalie Portman said...

Nancy Dreuche is so stupid, her dildo is a dunce cap.

7:34 pm January, 8 hermit said...

I always wondered if George Gobel was really banging Marty Allen.

8:20 pm January, 8 Douchble Helix said...

Classic stuff, DW.

8:29 pm January, 8 Wheezer said...

I thought that perhaps MC “Doc” was paying us a visit again…..

8:50 pm January, 8 Dr. Eve Summers said...

I don’t know what the big deal about Sammy Davis is. He was just some one eyed tap dancing kosher jig midget. Now Peter Lawford that was a guy to look up to. Married some broad who was 17 when he was strung out on pills and Scotch that was a year older that his hot young bride.

9:42 pm January, 8 Dr. Eve Summers said...

Dreuche is so stupid Mongor mocks thinks he is a deuche.

1:18 am January, 9 The Dude said...

Jeff Ross “The Burn” is funny

1:26 am January, 9 JustMC said...

It’s like one of the Incredibles got crossed with a crash test dummy and Hannibal Lecter. Hard to imagine anything freakish enough to pull my eye from Crazy-cowgirl-hott, but this was it.

6:50 am January, 9 Douche Wayne said...

Highbrow brilliant, Wallnuts.

*starts slow clap*

11:29 am January, 9 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Walnuts: I alwas been a paticulah fan a yuz. Fan I sez.

So keep it up

12:22 pm January, 9 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

That’s Mr. Krabdashian to you!! And just like dem punk kids today- he won’t even marry her even if she is carrying his kid. Everybody knows that you got morals if you man-up, marry the lass, and have her move in with her cousin in Kansas for a few months until her medical condition clears up, all the while you’re back at work making money, drinking scotch, smoking ceegars and banging some other honey. You gotta keep in shape so when she comes back from her little vacation you can give to her nice and hard. That’s the right thing to do. Cornhole Crabdashian needs someone to sit him down and have a nice little man to man.

4:58 pm January, 9 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

I sense a book deal in the works, DW. It may just be a comic book, but a book is a book is a book am I right:?

5:56 pm January, 10 Can't be anonymous anymore said...

With all these wonderful changes around here McCrud anonymity is a thing of the past–now you have to provide a made up e-mail address too.

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Pee on others? Fuck that–you’re right, I’ll start clicking elsewhere.

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However, I feel I owe it to DB1 first to say: I was coming here regularly for years. Then the site stopped being funny, completely about a week ago. Reverend–not merely not funny–incoherent and not funny.

Wallynuts–that schtick has sucked since day 1–day 1 I says but, to each their own–the four of you left seem to like it, and…

Douchteau, your piece was good, but it doesn’t belong on a satire/humor blog. Again. Not. Funny.

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If you ‘guest contributors’ are wondering what funny looks like from guest contributors, see everything Darksock has done, and BVG did a damn fine job too.

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DB1, you’re fucking up a good thing, but it’s yours, so good luck and godspeed. I think you’re worrying too much about what your career isn’t, rather than being appreciative of what you have. Don’t be a fucking douche and forget where you came from. Kill it outright, or cultivate it–quick this half assed bullshit.

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