Friday, February 1, 2013

Friday Thoughts and Links

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Remember when you were a kid and your mom would warn you about some van that was abducting kids from the playground using candy?

Here’s the douchepug equivalent.

Tempt the hotties with Vitamin Water, or various tasty cola products that only a Bra!! could approve of.

Drive to the beach.

Molest said hotties with various sundry lotions purchased through an on-line massage oil conglomerate.

At least that’s how Eddie, Manny, and Vincenzio roll.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “If it bends, it’s funny! If it breaks, it isn’t funny!”

Turtlebag.

The Pontiac Aztec is the new douchecar.

In need of some poetic imagery this weekend? The old grand palace movie theaters take on additional grandeur even as they decay.

Mmmm… stolen alpaca.

Isn’t this how the Tycho Brahe died?

Okay, nuff of that crap. Here’s ya go:

Na na na na na na na na na na na nana…

Batpear!

Not enough? Okay, have some:

In the Woods Fancy Car Doesn’t Make Sense Pear

That’ll do ya.

# posted by douchebag1
12:47 pm February, 1 Douche Wayne said...

That Selina Kyle sure can fill out a leather bodysuit, old chum.

12:56 pm February, 1 Wheezer said...

Oh man, I know DW’s gotta have some Julie Newmar stories…..

1:02 pm February, 1 creature said...

I could bore a hole thru Julie Newmars cat suit no problem…even at her present age, as I gotz me an active imagination

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kittens

1:10 pm February, 1 hermit said...

Re: Stolen alpaca story

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Who the fuck is Larry?

1:15 pm February, 1 Vin Douchal said...

On my way to Vegas for the best weekend of the year. It’s just gamblers this weekend

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On 4th of July, New Year’s or any other national holiday the douchebags run rampart fucking everything up: splitting Kings at the blackjack table , holding up the craps stickman while they ask the odds on “5” for the 20th time and worst of allSITTING AT THE BAR CHOKING UP A PERFECTLY GOOD VIDEO POKER SPOT WHILE THEY DISCUSS THE INANE SHIT THEY DISCUSS and not playing video poker. BLASPHEMERS!

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Once, after the Super Bowl, I was in a long line to cash in my winning tote when I noticed the Texas beef loving fat guy in the Ten Gallon Hat behind me. I folded a five and turned, …. ” I’ve got three 2’s…” He reached into his pocket as did another few guys around us. We played $5 Liar’s Poker until we reached the window

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In ’02 I had a $100 pre-season tote on the Patriots at 45-1 when they surprised the entire free fucking world and upset the Rams. I went to the casino boss to cash it and just for asking, got comped dinner for four at the Luxor’s steak house, Lobster and scotch all around

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Fuck that phoney, murdering hypocrite cuntrag asshole POS Ray Lewis cunt. It’s gonna be insufferable listening to them drone on about this guy. They probably won’t mentioned the 6 kids with 4 women that AREN’T his wife

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49’ers 31-17. Cover and cover

1:22 pm February, 1 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

^ or that he got away with murder too.

1:30 pm February, 1 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Wood Car Pear for Hall of Pear. And by that I mean I just ejaculated all over the dashboard.

1:40 pm February, 1 DarkSock said...

Actually, Wheezer, while Julie Newmar was the TV series Catwoman, that role was played in the 1966 Batman theatrical release by Lee Meriwether.

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I wonder which pear is shown here today?

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And I’m wondering if DW can confirm what I suspect – that both dames had bushes the size of afghan hounds.

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Mon Pubii

1:43 pm February, 1 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

That Lee Merriweather sure could rock the catsuit. I would have fucked her Barnaby Jones-Style.

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Clampetts

2:15 pm February, 1 hermit said...

If you look closely you’ll notice a bulge in Batman’s tights, and it ain’t from no utility belt.

Julie Newmar, Barbara Eden and Elizabeth Montgomery kept my hairless, juvenile penis erect through a good portion of the sixties.

2:27 pm February, 1 creature said...

^ Ellie Mae Clampett

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@ Vin…I say aurevoir to my giant morning poop “bye bye Jim Harbaugh” daily now…thnx for the inspiration & good luck

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btw, black birds to the under!

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shylocks

3:03 pm February, 1 DarkSock said...

Ellie May Clamp-it. She sure looked like she could.

4:15 pm February, 1 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Oh I have Julie Newmar stories for ya, and Liz Montgomery ones too. But for now this will have to do.

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http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/03/photographer-yossi-loloi-nude-obese-women_n_2387825.html

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This post is a little too raunchy to be out there on the main page where The Google could find it and mess up the otherwise civil and PG-rated tone of the site. So i decided to bury it here where all a youse recidivist deviants could find it, but not The Google and the rest a the Moral Majority-types.

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So really, which one a youse would bang one a these fat chicks? Publicly not a one a you would fess up, but I betcha there are more than a handful a gents that would take the plunge with at least one a these over-sized dames. *cough Rev Chad cough*

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Which reminds me a Dean when he was in his skirt-bangin’ prime. Now Dean had every pretty chick lookin’ to cop his joint for most a his career, and it got to the point where he was bored silly with all a these beautiful broads. Silly, I says. Imagine that?!? Gettin’ so much primo Ham Wallet that youse is bored of it…Madonna Mia! How is that possible?

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Dean had one a his legendary Vegas weekends when he musta banged 6 or 7 top-shelf birds, and he comes back to his suite at the Sands and says to me, “DW,” he says, “I know it must sound ridiculous, but I’m gettin’ bored bonin’ all a these crazy dames. I mean they’s beautiful and whatnot, but there ain’t no challenge in it anymore. And they is all startin’ to look the same to me.” 

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So he went on a fat chick bender. Most a them had pretty faces, but they was real fatties like these here broads. Dean would “Fold Fuck” them, where he’d find a nice big fat fold and rub his joint in there good and proper until he nutted. He would say on some a these big-uns he’d find 15 or 16 different folds, and some a the ordinarily fat babes were still good for 7 or 8. I’m guessin’ it was like Bangin’ the Tits, as we used to call it, but all over a broad, instead of just her knockers.  Dean used ta say they was so appreciative and kind and sweet it was hard not to bone them. Who the fuck knows?

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I seen some a these dames, and I’ll tells ya, I wouldn’t a fucked a one of ’em with Shirley Booth’s dick. Hazel, I says. I mean they was nice and all, but down below they was a disgratzia. I walked in on Dean when he was on top a one of these dames and from what I saw of her quim I couldn’t get an erection for a month, which was a big problem. Now I’m not sayin after a couple a Jack and Cokes I wouldn’t a let one of the ones with a cuter face blow me, but that’s pushin it. Not likely, I says.

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Maybe it was good Dean was open minded enough to not mind all a the fat and havin to look for the Snapper under it, and maybe it says somethin’ bad about me, and the guys like me, who can’t appreciate the other things a dame has to offer. After all, we was all brought up to admire beauty, and beauty was rarely a fat broad, even back in the days when all a those high-end Italian Renaissance painters was paintin’ naked dames. 

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You know what strikes me funny is that now a days all we hear is that we have to be accepting of different people, to be tolerant and inclusive, and yet so many people are offended by the pictures of these really big dames. Sounds a little hypocritical, if you ask me. Everyone is okay except fat chicks? That don’t make no sense to me, cuz the more I think about it, those good-lookin’ dames was mostly nasty bitches. So maybe this obsession with beauty says more – or less – about us, both as individuals and a society, than we’d like to admit. Na mean?

6:48 pm February, 1 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^ Fat Bitches are right Psychos when they get the sexual pleasures of properly mannered attractive and virile gentleman. Or so I have heard.

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I can’t say I ever did one over 150 pounds, cause that is the hardbodied limit for my 5′-2′ wheelhouse and that’s with fifty pounds of fuckable rock solid teats included. Teats I says

. Would I fuck one of these circus freaks? The answer is yes if it would prevent suicide. No if it would get me some free pizza. Would I tell my friends? No way.

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Speaking of teats. I saw today on my first day working as THE MAN, the coolest robotic cow milker/diagnostic machine in which the milkees were drawn one by one voluntary by Pavlonian response for withheld nutrients. Fucking awesome until I saw the medium scale methane burning double V-12 electric turbine engine selling back to the utility. This fucker burns organic gases generated in holding tanks that provide grease and shit with anaerobically created bacterial multiplying agents. Good times but I don’t know how the fuck to value this Nazi technology. The new solar farm is cool too but I am against clean energy.

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‘How the fuck am I to consult on this shit for value or cash flow? I don’t have a clue I’m in way over my head so I’ll confuse the financial overlords with bullshit.

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@Hermit

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I met a pretty, and a bit chunky, hetero woman with a 2M small farm deal with all net cash from the sale and a 200K income if you’re still looking to move to Red State Canada. Son.

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Heffers

8:05 pm February, 1 hermit said...

@ Rev

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I’m there brotha’. With that kind of cash I can overlook the cattle flatuence and the hetero thing.

8:06 pm February, 1 creature said...

rev, if you painted a vag on yer back fat, i’d fuck it….jus sayin’

8:17 pm February, 1 DarkSock said...

Poor ol’ John Denver…I can’t stop cryin’…

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I’m rather ddrunk

12:39 am February, 2 The Dude said...

I got some wood for Fancy Car Don’t Make Sense, and I don’t make cents either because I should go pretend I’m asleep for two hours. Grueling existence I got. Just tearable.

12:56 am February, 2 Douchble Helix said...

DW – I was watching Kojak the other night. Seems like Telly Savalas coulda hung with you guys.

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Except he didn’t. How’s come?

12:57 am February, 2 Douchble Helix said...

Eartha Kitt took Julie Newmar’s place on the TV show. Just your type, Rev!

6:24 am February, 2 Bag Margera said...

DW – Ever since the onset of social media hit, and all the moped women I ever boned found me on facebook, I’ve had to cut the slump-busters from my life, and just weather the slumps.

7:15 am February, 2 Charles Douchewin said...

@ The Rev

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Please sign me up, after Hermit, on your Ontario French-Canadian Farm Girl™ matchmaking list.

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I’ll likely live to regret some of the dates, but that’ll mean I survived them.

11:42 am February, 2 Wheezer said...

@ ‘Sock: Actually, Wheezer, while Julie Newmar was the TV series Catwoman, that role was played in the 1966 Batman theatrical release by Lee Meriwether.

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And I says I’d have to flip a coin to see which Kitty I’d rescue from the tree first…..though I’d be disappointed at not getting the other one at the same time. They both rocked that Catsuit.

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But when I Googled that “Batpear” image, it came up with ‘Julie Newmar.’ Maybe it was incorrectly identified.

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