Saturday, March 2, 2013

Wallnuts After Dark – Manscaping

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What’s with all a these guys that don’t have no body hair? Is it possible that in a generation guys went from bein’ hairy like a man to bein’ hairless like a kid or some weird plastic doll? It don’t look right.

Now don’t get me wrong, an overly hairy guy ain’t too good to look at, and I’m sure no broads love to have that hair shirt all rubbin’ up against their gazongs when they’s doin’ the nasty all slows-like. But NO body hair for a fella? That ain’t natural.

I s’pose us boys used ta kinda sorta “manscape” back in the day. Especially after the watershed Miami Shaving Party that I tole all a youse about a while ago.  Ain’t nobody want to see all a them Gabiles on a guy or a chick. I remember the first time Sinatra tole us all about how he trimmed his chest hair and his down below areas. We was all shocked because that was the kind a stuff only Finnochs did back then, but we was all ascared to say anything like that to Frank. But once the dames saw it and we realized they liked it, we was all about cleanin’ up ourselves down in the underbits.

I remember one time Normy Fell hacked up his joint pretty good trying to trim his Gabiles with one a them old school Wilkenson double edge razors that we all used to use back in the day. You could a cut down a friggin’ Sequoia tree wit one a them razors they was so sharp. You needed to be delicato down below and old Normy paid for it for weeks. He couldn’t bang no broads with a nicked up schvantz. Nicked up schvantz, I says.

Now, another ting, some a these guys back then didn’t have the greatest bodies, but they at least looked like men’s bodies. These days some a these guys with the shaved bodies look like one a them, whattaya call, Hermaphrodities that’s got both a joint and tits and even a twat.

Imagine that.

Buddy Hackett would a banged a Hermaphrodite and never minded it had a joint. He banged anything.

When it came to hair on our heads we had to be real careful what we said since Frank was always wearin’ a rug. God forbid somebody made a comment about anther guy wearin’ a wig, since Sinatra was always tapin’ a piece to his dome. Oofa.

This guy Scungilli Phil, who ran numbers for the Gambinos, had a few drinks too many at Toots Shore’s one night and called Sinatra’s toupee a bath mat. He thought he was being funny. No one ain’t never seen Scungilli Phil after that.

Frank was always jealous of Dean’s hair. Ole’ Deano had a full head of thick, black sheen that he’d grease all up to the nines like one a them Chinese dandies that used ta run numbers at Caesar’s back in the ’30s. Chicks was always runnin’ their hands trew Dean’s coif. Meanwhiles, Frank never would let no dame come near touchin’ his head. Ole’ Blue Eyes was afraid they’d knock his toup off his dome. Dome, I says.

# posted by Vin Douchal
1:47 pm March, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

It’s the narcissism of the Millenials DW. They don’t give a fuck about anybody but themselves and their i-things. Somebody one day looks at a statue and says in their self-focused mind “Hey, this Statue of David looks like me, but he’s got some wormy looking bag hair so I’m gonna shave mine off then I can Instagram (whatever the fuck that is) a picture of me and David to my hipster friends on the Twitter thingy on my Android ironically to show him how he should switch from the Natty Lite and fixie bike to the Mich Lite and their disappointed mom’s car and get some shaved poon.” Not ironically grown Nature Bush (respect) like the

hipster chicks and their patchoulli cloud around their pink stink. Beat up few deep-fried turkeys to get your Ja-BRO-ni on like Stacky you dumb fuck. Back in my day it was a hair fest. My Sack Coat is a hairy mess. Pubes falling all over on account of the commando and loose shorts. By the time I’m 50 I’ll be as hairy as my Dad (respect) the silverback gorilla.

Mrs. Kroeger isn’t a huge fan of my excessive body hair but she doesn;’t want no chick-looking, mirror gazing fuck boy.

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I blame a generation of reality TV and MTV’s stoppage of video playing, And internet porn, and loss of respect for the church, and lazy yuppie parents who would rather do everything for their kids so they never have to work until they’re 30. Ya got me all riled now. Son.

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PS: Ya got to check out Dark Sock’s Saturday morning blues opus at end of previous thread. Opus, I says.

2:16 pm March, 2 The Dude said...

Funny Fact: I recently poured some shampoo into the bath to get some suds going, then realized it was this shit I bought on sale for $2.79 US that is intended for men with thinning hair. On their heads. I was soaking in it. Sincerely, The Bear Dude.

3:33 pm March, 2 Doctor Magnifico! said...

The second most surprising thing about the post and comments thus far is that the good Reverend is sub 50. I thought he was like 60 or something.

4:26 pm March, 2 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Doctor Magnifico

Did you know the Rev is actually teaches Cultural Anthropology at the Cornwall Community College? in the same vein as the late, great Sam Kinnison in “Back to School”. If I’m not mistaken Kinnisons character was loosely based on the Rev’s methods.Fact!!

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The whole GSR is a bit too much, I got’s no problem with keeping it trim down there. Chicks dig it an are more likely to explore with their tongues.

6:04 pm March, 2 DarkSock said...

Guys like Rev rarely make 60, Doc. Or at least their livers, Doc Mag.

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Crosbys.

6:05 pm March, 2 DarkSock said...

I can’tst nawt take credit for the previous thread’s gibberish, Reverend. That genious came of course from the seminal stone-cold-stoned Butthole Surfers.

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Gonna make th’ Governor write my doo-doo a letter, chile.

7:26 pm March, 2 Vin J Douchal said...

Ha! Great stuff, DW. When I get home later I’m going to look for a YouTube w Sinatra and Glen Campbell. Let’s see if one exists

2:36 am March, 3 The Dude said...

Agree with Vin, many thanks Wallnuts.

4:00 am March, 3 Guid is Good said...

Never get a tatt at the Bureau of Meteorology.

8:05 am March, 3 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

awesome job, Wallnuts

10:43 am March, 3 Fish Slap said...

Jeez, Douchey Wallnuts!

Immediately, Scungilli Phil becomes my favorite character. Then, allofasudden at the end of a three knock paragraph – he’s gone.

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I hope he comes back in prequels.

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Maggios

10:46 am March, 3 Charles Douchewin said...

^ Sorry, that was me not logged in. I’d posted as FishSlap to Say F-Drew Pinsky, and that was stuck in the cache.

10:29 am March, 6 Mr. Biggs said...

The term I use is “naked mole rat”.

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