Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Wallnuts After Dark – Oscar Night

430713_412484342155302_1673689868_nA four hour show where they do nothin but give out awards for some movies, most of em nobody ever seen? Pazzo! Back in the old days it was a get together at one a the Hollywood-area hotels, they’d toss out a few statues, snap some pictures,  and then get on to the gropin’. Gropin’, I says.

Back in ’53, Sinatra’d just won the golden shvantz for “From Here to Eternity,” and they trou one a the biggest, wildest orgies I ever seen! That was the year Eva Gardner was also nominated, but even them legs didn’t win it for her. She was in some movie I don’t remember. Alls she did was show her knockers in a low cut dress, or some shit. She wasn’t much of an actress. Just knew who to shlamouli to get into the right pictures.

So anyways, Eva and Frank got into a knockdown drag out fight because Eva thought Frank was notching Donna Reed, his co-star who also won one of them golden shwantzes. Eva was extra whacked that night cuz she lost and knew Frank was making the Beast With Two Backs with that goody-two-shoes Reed. Reed was another one of them dames, you know the type. All prim and proper in public, but absolutely filthy in bed. Filthy in bed, I says.

So ole’ Bill Holden had the party that night, since he won the golden shwantz for best actor. Holden was an all-time lush who used the Müller Lyer Illusion Test to determine if he’d bang a broad. Hey, how in the hell am I supposed to know why?

Anyways, Holden used to just take it out after a few martinis. Didn’t matter who was there. The night of this shindig, he has it out and is holdin it in one had and wa slapping the head of his Golden Shwantz with the head of his Golden Shwantz. Know what I’m sayin’?

# posted by Vin Douchal
6:17 pm March, 5 The Dude said...

Anne Hathaway’s nipples just called. Don’t worry, Wallnuts – I got this! thanks for another splendid W.A.D.

6:24 pm March, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Do you have any info on the tragic marriage between Ernest Borgnine and Ethel Merman? I heard a few stories about them. One theory is that Ernest called her a filthy chazzer. Thing is she wasn’t even a Jew and was in fact a hard-core anti-Semite. Another story is that Ernest couldn’t get hard unless Ethel shat on him while he imagined she was Anne Baxter. But she was plagued with an anal prolapse and very uncomfortable with her languid faeces. Also, is it true Lucille Ball could make whistling noises with her big red cooter if Desi sang the blues.

6:25 pm March, 5 bigphatnotadouche said...

DW- Great story and the golden shwantzes wiped on the curtains…

8:38 am March, 6 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

I put a party hat on my shwantz so that the Müller Lyer Illusion makes my shwantz look huge. If I put it on the wrong way it makes my shwatz disappear. I need all the help I can get. No one tells the story of the time I took mine out at a party because no one noticed. Walked around for a god damned hour and a half and not one giggle or scream in horror. I’m jumping on couches like f”ing Tom Cruise by the end. I get tossed from the joint, not becasue of exposing my self, but becasue I’m jumping on couches like f”ing Tom Cruise.

8:39 am March, 6 DarkSock said...

Shwantz, he says

9:40 am March, 6 Vin Douchal said...

Fucking hilarious. Purple Golden Schvantz

9:52 am March, 6 summerseve said...

That douche looks like a low-rent Gilbert Gottfried playing shortstop for the Toledo Mud Hens.

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