Friday, May 24, 2013

Wallnuts After Dark: Oofa, What's Wit All A the Friggin' Exercise?!?

fatpeopleexecising

So I went to see my doctor, Dr. Dominic Domenico, and he says to me, “DW,” he says, “you been livin’ large for too long and ya gotta start takin’ better care a yourself. Start exercisin’ an cut out some a the Salumi you been packin’ away like it’s goin’ outta style.” He actually talks like that. Hand to God.

 

So I says, “Doc,” I says, “I ain’t never seen the insides a no gym unless I was tellin’ some mug he hadda take a dive on account a the dough we was layin’ off on the other guy.” And he tells me he don’t care about none a that shit and that I gotta join a gym or else I ain’t gonna live to see too many more a the Our Lady a Mount Carmel summer festivals, if you know what I mean.

 

Anyways, I gotta admit I’d been eatin’ way too much Pasta Fagioli and Sbriciolona and Lardo, and Annette an I have been hittin’ the Martinis and Averna kinda hard. And I gotta says my Oleg Cassini European Cut slacks don’t fit me like they’s meant to in all the vital areas, if you catch my drift.

 

So I head on over to the local gym and a course I get this big muscleheaded Mama Luke half-a-Finnoch, tough guy wanna be j’drool who has a hand shake grip like one a them Nancy boys you’d find prancin’ around the Village wearin’ a mesh sleeveless shirt and blue jeans that are so tight they show the balls, and he comes on strong with the heavy sales pitch. Befores he can get rollin’ I says, “Hey Mack, save the schpeil for someone who gives a Fucc, I’mst here to join up.” So that was that.

 

Now none a the guys was ever the type to go for any a that exercisin’ shenanigans. Oh sure, Sinatra and I would go for a schvitz ‘specially when we had a dame or two along to top us off whilst we was sweatin’, but believe you me you’d never catch us doin’ no push-ups or sit-ups. You’d have a better chance a catchin’ us listenin’ to Jerry Vale 8-track tapes than you would seein’ us doin’ that shit. Jerry Vale, I says.

 

So I walk inta this big friggin’ room wit nothin’ but threadmills, those staircase machines, and some other contraptions that reminded me a some a those industrial type machines we used to stuff uncooperative types, deadbeats and other elements who was undesirable to the Family into. Usin’ all a these machines there’s a ton of fat dames and a bunch a paunchy gray-skinned pischocs sweatin’ and puffin’ an lookin’ miserable cuz for all a their work they ain’t goin’ nowheres. Pischocs, I says.

 

And I’m thinkin’ to myself, if this exercise racket is so jake why is all a these out a shape people in here? There weren’t a one of ’em who looked like they coulda punched their way outta a Cannoli shell. Madon!

 

Then there’s the friggin’ music they’s playin’ that was poundin’ so loud I felt like I was at one a them titty bars I used to run back in the day when the 5 Families ran all a the titty bar businesses in the Tri-State region. And on top a all a that noise, they got all a these TVs with everything on them from The Sports Center to Kelly and Michael. I tells ya I had a headache worser than I did than when I went to my Step Grand Niece Carlotta’s Chorus Concert and Dance Recital.

 

So I made me a bee-line right to the office a that cheese eatin’, pumped up pussy hump with the over gelled hair and Finnochy hand shake and tole him I wanted my fuckin money back, pronto. And he gave me all a that, ‘we don’t give refunds and I gotta talk to my manager,” and whatnot. I said “Look pal, I only been here 6 minutes and if I don’t get my money back now, I’m gonna call my friend Skinny D’Amato and he’ll get it back for me, from you. Speakin’ a Skinny, why don’t you look him up on your computer.”

 

Before you can say, “The Google,” I had my refund. As far as exercise goes, I’ll walk around the friggin’ block whilst laying off a the Soppresate, and the like.

# posted by Vin Douchal
10:01 pm May, 24 DarkSock said...

I’mst in awe of this Wallnuts guy; Madonna Mia!

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Son.

10:04 pm May, 24 DarkSock said...

Wallnuts for Speaker of the House in Congress, under the “Both a Youse gangs get your asses back ta Work” party.

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With Skinny D’Amato as House (pistol) Whip.

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Immagration Reform – Sicilian Style.

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Pistol Whip, I says.

10:38 pm May, 24 The Dude said...

“pischocs” – LMFAO!!

2:08 am May, 25 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Good reading. I don’t always read Mr. Wallnuts in the din of morning whilst hearing the young bird families shreaking in the fucking forest, but when I do I’m freshly stooooned, Son.

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Not much fascinates me. But in only 200,000 years my brothers have gone from fucking man-monkeys to stoned people grooving wirelessly at 5 am drinking and smoking dope and eating pizza wondering why we are all alone inside of our heads in the midst of the hordes. Get it?

2:32 am May, 25 Douchble Helix said...

When I grows up, I wannabe just like Mr. Wallnuts.

8:38 am May, 25 DarkSock said...

Mr. Wallnuts sent me a trove of hotts that I shall distill into a white paper in celebration of Mammarian Day.
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Trove, I says.
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But first I’m gonna get one last boat ride in before the ol’ surgery docks the ‘Sock for a few weeks.
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So I may or may not be back to post all the Hott.
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Floaters.
ITS A TRAP

9:24 am May, 25 creature said...

take a walk on the shore DW, the scenery is great…& I don’t mean the landscape (sea beach pear from fri. T & L)

9:41 am May, 25 Douchble Helix said...

Well, you drive your boat into a sand trap, you’re gonna fuck up your spine.

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Best wishes, and insist on a Dr. named Greenblatt or something like that.

10:25 am May, 25 Douchble Helix said...

And the reason for alla this exercise is no more manual labor, and we eat shit that ain’t food.

1:17 pm May, 25 The Dude said...

Food-like products must suffice, Señor Helix. Now get back to work!! 🙂

7:43 pm May, 25 yanni the douche said...

Excellent commentary. That is all.

9:00 pm May, 25 Vin J Douchal said...

Mr Wallnuts just needs a month on the South Beach Diet. I dropped 20 pounds and kept it off. Of course two weeks of no pasta and bread will make you want to choke a nun, but it’s worth it.

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At Sock

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The first demerol when you come out of anesthesia knocks your ass out. The next one though, you’ve built up a little tolerance and it gets fun. I saw angels and rainbows and jacked off into the bed pan when no one was looking. Tremendous orgasm. Tremendous I says

10:59 pm May, 25 DarkSock said...

@ Vin: My cajun buddy said “demerol” today. We had docked at The Hook-Up and were drinking by the pier when a speedboat chock full of very young bikini hotts puttered up. He pointed and said “Demerol Jail Bait”.

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I think he too jacked off when no one was looking. Sans bedpan.

10:59 pm May, 25 DarkSock said...

I am drunk. SOn.

11:22 pm May, 25 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

“Demerol Jail Bait” is the name of my next band. I’s stoned and thought Sock went into the boneyard for his surgery. And by boneyard I mean orthoapedic theatre. and shit, Son. More beer.Son.

3:01 am May, 26 Douchble Helix said...

And I don’t think that fat broad exercised at all. She shpritzes like that just taking a shit.

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