Friday, July 5, 2013

Friday Thoughts and Links

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The Donkster.

Still hard.

Now prison hard.

Still with Ukranians who came over here on a crate through the Baltimore docks during a union dispute.

Okay, enough about the Dock. I am way too excited about Sharknado.

Why is Sharknado transcendent genius?

1. The tagline. “Sharknado. Enough said.”

2. It’s sharks in a tornado.

3. Ian Ziering and Tara Reid.

Normally I don’t go for the cheesy post-Corman bad CGI irono-horror films. But Sharknado is no ordinary cheesy schlockathon. Okay, maybe it is.

But there’s poetry there.

Lucid self-aware video installation art. It’s like Laurie Anderson by way of Maureen’s protest in “Rent.”

I’m there. July 11th. And I only wish I was getting paid to promote this. I don’t get paid to promote anything, these days. Hells, alls I do is drink.

Here’s yer links:

Excited about Sharknado? Don’t forget “Attention all hands. This is your captain speaking. We’re getting more reports of this half shark, half octopus creature that’s terrorizing the coast, but please don’t panic. There is a way we can stop this thing. Virgin sacrifices. Yes, the Mexican Fish and Game Commission assures me the only way to appease this beast is to offer it a beautiful virgin, preferably 18 to 25 years old. I repeat, sharktopus wants our virgins.”

Oh no you di’int. Yo’ momma! She got backboobs! These image insults brought to you by fifth grade.

I’ll take awkward perspective for $800, Alex.

Have I mentioned that Twinkies are back? Greenlight this, Hollywood.

In Japan, vegetables purchase you!

I have no clue what’s up with all the hipster “hey!” and “ho!” songs coming out in our post-Mumford moment. Something about reclaiming an analog, human sound in the age of too much digital overwhelm is my guess. Regardless, this is genius.

Okay, this is bad, I agree. But compared to Tebowing? On the one hand, murder. On the other hand, Tim Tebow. My Patriots fandom is being tasted like it’s 1992.

Evan Ferrante does the best Tom Cruise impression I’ve ever seen.

Regretful tattoos. The funniest slideshow of the year. Hands (feet) down.

The great Mother Jones magazine analyzes congress via Hipsters Vs. Bros paradigm. Bachmann for Top 5 Bleeth.

Technoviking in court. If you’re a fan of the Technoviking’s Nordic power, be sure to check out the genius that was Technoviking vs. Vernon Koekemoer, both of whom were douchestars on HCwDB back in the early days.

One of the Seans from internet lore bitches about having his douchey wedding mocked on social media. Suck it, Sean whatevers.

Okay, here it is. You’ve earned it:

Persian Bedspread Pear

And like that, it is the weekend.

# posted by douchebag1
12:36 pm July, 5 DoucheyWallnuts said...

This description is a mind scramble.

“Rep. Kyrsten Sinema (D-Ariz.): A bisexual nontheist who doesn’t own a TV and used to work out of coffee shops before getting elected, Sinema oversold her hipster cred when she dissed stay-at-home moms for “leeching off their husbands…That’s bullshit.”

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I don’t know about you, but I always wanted to bang a bisexual nontheist, and ideally have a threesome with at least one of them.

12:46 pm July, 5 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

The end is fuccen near:

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12:52 pm July, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Stellar FTAL. You had me until “Hey

1:11 pm July, 5 Douchble Helix said...

I’ve seen that broad before.

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http://www.morethings.com/fan/saturday_night_live/phil_hartman/unfrozen_cave_man_lawyerc.jpg

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Esquires.

1:21 pm July, 5 Douchble Helix said...

That Sean guy thinks people are going to read his manifesto, because why?

1:28 pm July, 5 Wheezer said...

On the strength of one photo, we may have to consider Persian Bedspread Pear for the Hall of Hott. Oh my goodness…..

1:33 pm July, 5 bigphatnotadouche said...

Is Donk dating his sister?

first cousins

1:35 pm July, 5 bigphatnotadouche said...

I agree with Weezer regarding Persian Rug Hott – immediate entry for her

1:49 pm July, 5 Ed Hardy Har Har said...

Rear entry, of course!

1:50 pm July, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I hate fucking wedding dances. But that was funny Nigga. (respek) . I’m going to one tomorrow and if they do one of those fucking dances at their age I’m taking back the 2nd set of Ron Popeil’s “Showtime Knife Sets”. And DW, I see what you did there. Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

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My wedding dance took much less skill.

.

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Swayzes

1:56 pm July, 5 hermit said...

Nice wedding Sean. (Whoever the fuck you are)

.

If I ever get married again, my wedding would be:

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1. On an asphalt parking lot bulldozed into an old growth forest.

2.The wedding vows will be read by that drunk ship captain from the Exxon Valdiz.

3. The reception will be catered by a company that specializes in only the meat from endangered species.

4. My new bride and I will then be whisked away for a lavish, Arctic honeymoon, where we’ll club baby seals from the back of snowmobiles.

.

.

4. And, oh yeah, It will have to be a gay wedding. (three marriages to women didn’t go so well.)

1:56 pm July, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Persian Hott is Champagne Katie?

2:01 pm July, 5 hermit said...

I third the motion for Bedspread Pear’s induction.

6:48 pm July, 5 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Why can’t we call “Islamist Backlash,” what it really is; Anal Rape, AKA Sodomy?

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Funny how when the bearded serial killers (serial killers) don’t get their way (respect), they resort to rape and gang rape. Perhaps because they believe in equal rights. Or maybe because they view rape just as a brother gettin’ some. Or that women are just things to be raped. That’s possible.

.

But seriously, Islam is a religion of peace (respect).

8:35 pm July, 5 The Dude said...

It’s been a while since I last visited Islamistan, but they have centuries of vile conduct to do to catch up with Western Civ. Inquisitions, witch hunts, slavery, holocausts, World Wars, drones – a big bag of tricks. Humans do some terrible things, and some funny things (here). I prefer here!

5:14 am July, 6 Wheezer said...

RevChad, I don’t think it’s Champagne Katie – Google image search reveals the name Nicole Pisarri.

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She is apparently a Maxim Hometown Hottie.

5:37 am July, 6 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Good find Wheez. I do not think that’s CK, either. CK is a low-rent version of Ms Pisarri.

8:39 am July, 6 Douchble Helix said...

Wheezer, how did you do that?

10:13 am July, 6 creature said...

she’s a lingerie & ass model w large squishable, naturally grown cans…what a noble profession for those who qualify…thnx wheeze

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read the entire Sean ‘pouty’ Parker article & he defends himself well…tho he’s still a douche-wagon

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social media whores

12:22 pm July, 6 The Dude said...

She’s quite a looker, by which I mean looking at her produces renoBeL.

12:23 pm July, 6 The Dude said...

^thx Wheeze

9:02 pm July, 6 DarkSock said...

Do NOT Google “Prison Hard”

8:31 am July, 7 Troy Tempest said...

Back in the day, I knew both Seans. Sean F was quiet and friendly. Hard worker until about lunch time then we’d lose him to the Nintendo… Sean P was an operator, a hustler. Not a bad kid, but definitely one of those “looking for more” types. A great conversationalist (i.e., a bit of a mouth), although he had a tendency towards paranoia and being a bit obssessive. So, you can understand why he flipped out over the wedding thing – someone who’s obsessive and paranoid and talkative = 9,500 words that all boil down to “leave me the fuck alone”.

The two of them shared an apartment back then in San Mateo, which was fuckin weird because they were these two internet kids living in what was essentially a retirement community. They moved out of there soon enough, but I remember the place – they had the most gimungus TV set I think I’d ever seen at that point.Kidz. Yeeeesh.

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