Monday, August 5, 2013

Carlos the Jagoff and Kim Welcome in BC1

photo (42)

Thanks, Carlos the Jagoff and Kim! It’s nice of you to say that.

Yes, it’s true fellow ‘bag hunters. On Saturday, your humble narrator, DB1, completed his successful spawn with HC1 to produce BC1, or, for the initially impaired, Babychick1.

For evidence of the fruit of your humble narrator’s loins, here she is when she was about four hours old.

I will sing the praises of BC1 as the future uniter of the holy forces of mock that fight the dark douchal arts in a future post.

For now, I have no idea how the hell one of these things works. Send help. Stat.

What does this mean for HCwDB?

Well in addition to sending the house uponst which I mock the ‘bags, feed the alpacas, and milk the tree frogs for supplementary income (in Japan, tree frog milk is considered in aphrodisiac) into chaos, it means the site’s gonna be slow for a bit.

There’ll be posts when I can make them. Oh yes.

Especially since recent submissions via email were of exceptional douche mocking quality.

And there are still clownwads running with the Goose and Mutant Hott Post Apocalyptic Patricia. And the great sidekick to this here site, DarkSock, still needs his Haiku.

After all, if HCwDB doesn’t protect Tasty Suckle Hotts on Bicycles from this guy, then we will never know what makes an ocean wave wave.

Hang in there. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

# posted by douchebag1
7:14 am August, 5 saulgoode42 said...

Congrats! Remember, ‘bath time’ in Japanese is called “Ofuro”, see here for details: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvfrelOezSU

And whatever happens, remember to stay on target: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_YtO4CtI2k

Because ultimately, everybody’s workin’ for the CIA: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQwK7w9UAHg

7:19 am August, 5 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Congrats you poor son of a bitch…

7:43 am August, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

If you can’t buy Gripe Water (with alcohol, pussies) where you are, find some. And freezer trays full of sweet-potatoes and carrots, that bottled organic shit is a scam. When you get to the formula use the iron enriched unless it hurts her stomach and you are drinking too much Gripe Water. And lots of onesies and soothers cause you’ll be losing lots of that shit. And get the bubbas and bibbies to start saving for college NOW. And learn how to use the baby seat props, no front seat shit. Don’t forget the baby on the roof, I learned. And remember when you get stressed to drink rabidly from HC1’s swollen bosom, cause in a few years you gonna have to pay for that kink yo. Good luck Brosephine I hope you enjoy it more than I did. And don’t let the Doc put her on SSRI’s, makes it worse, I know. Valium maybe. Weed is now encouraged through breast milk as well as a soothing agent.

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I’m just throwing this one out there in case. This song rested many of the Kroegerites through the dark times.

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8:19 am August, 5 DarkSock said...

Wipes.

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Always bring wipes.

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Even after the kids have left for college; by then you’ll need them for your drool bucket.

8:34 am August, 5 Leery said...

After months of you rising early enough to cause roosters to say “WTF go back to bed”, your days of night-owl-ness will go the way of The Edsel.

After a year (when BC1 starts to sleep through the night) you’ll find yourself getting up at 5am just to have some time to yourself. Cuz as of 6am, all hell will break loose (Robert Duval in A’lypse Now: “I love the smell of baby shit in the morning)

During your 5am sojourns to the local diner, McD’s, for solitude and reflection (ie WTF-have-I done talks to yourself), you’ll start to see that you have left one demographic (ie unfettered, unattached and indifferent youth) and become the youngest member of another.

Those men that inhabit the early twilight and drink free refill coffee at McD’s, a pile of lottery scratch cards at their side (how else are you going to pay for BC1’s college education, you retirement, ho-ho’s, Mr. Pibbs, Funions, and racy Alpaca mags?). Grumbling about local kids walking on your lawn, you’ll discover the merits of comfortable shoes and brisk walking for heart health.

But its all good. Because BC1 is now the Twinkie of your eye and worth it.

9:52 am August, 5 The Dude said...

I don’t know what to say, and I am saying it. Good luck with BC1 dude – she already looks distressed by this douchey world, lol

10:05 am August, 5 Vin Douchal said...

What kids of today are missing …. In the Boston olden days they had Major Mudd, the astronaut that helped people that still didn’t have color TV by tacking on tags that stated what color everything was on and around him, mocking the poor folks that couldn’t afford one or Rex Trailer’s Boomtown thinking that a cowboy show would fly in Boston or even the dog days of Ken Coleman and Mel Parnell doing Red Sox games for pull your hair out, perennial losers that somehow struck gold in ’67 with the Impossible Dream…

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Now it’s fucking Spongebob, Justin Beiber and pink hats at Fewnay Park. The only upgrade is to the sideline reporters and Joe Castiglione calling the games with all the exuberance of a 12 year old boy at his first ballpark visit.

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Make sure your kids get some martial arts training and don’t even introduce soda into the diet. My 7 year old doesn’t even like that shit.

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Swaddle, I says

10:47 am August, 5 Dickie Fingers said...

Invert the child early and often.

11:26 am August, 5 Dr Magnifico said...

Congratulations DB1! A hearty well done to you and the missus.

On toddler sleeping I suggest this:

Do not put her to sleep at a ridiculously early hour. Let her stay up with you. She will be more likely to sleep through and will be all the better for it. Putting a baby to bed at something like 17:00hrs and expecting anything approaching wellbeing from either the baby or oneself as parents of the baby is a damaging urban myth.

11:59 am August, 5 SonnyChibaChoad said...

Mazel Tov DB1. I’m with Dr Magnifico on the baby sleep theorem. Also: make sure your lady sleeps when the BC1 sleeps or she’ll get worn out between worrying, cleaning, milk production and ignoring your dick.

Adios,

She-Mohels

12:04 pm August, 5 Scooby Douche said...

Does she have any tatts yet?

12:33 pm August, 5 hermit said...

The best advice for parents of a sleepless infant is a time-tested remedy which pre-dates NyQuil. Withold milk for several hours before bedtime, then allow the baby to suckle a dish rag soaked in Jim Beam.

.

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If that doesn’t work rub baby’s gums with methadone.

12:44 pm August, 5 Dickie Fingers said...

Take as little advice from this site as possible.

1:02 pm August, 5 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Hermit

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Are you my Daddy?

1:02 pm August, 5 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Look into your future DB1

.

1:46 pm August, 5 Ed Hardy Har Har said...

Congratulations to DB1 & HC1 on their little bundle of DC1!!

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She will be Daddy’s Little Girl and the light of your life.

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Until she hits about 12 or so.

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Then she will a boiling cauldron of hormonal hell in which nothing is ever right, everything is so unfair and you are trying to ruin her life!

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Then she’ll turn about 22, and all will be forgiven.

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Fortunately, my little BC1 is now 23.

2:03 pm August, 5 DoucheyWallnuts said...

With regards to sex, when she’s wiped out and passed out on the couch, don’t wake her up. Just put it in her hand whilst she sleeps and rock to-and-fro.

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To-and-fro, I says.

3:19 pm August, 5 Douchble Helix said...

Go out for a pack of cigs, and never come back.

3:30 pm August, 5 Tits McGee said...

Congrats to you and yours, Boss. If I could offer any advice from my lack of any experience whatsoever, it would be to remember that a life devoid of restful sleep provides a more hallucinogenic environment than any drug you could ever ingest.

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Except DMT… that stuff will eff yo’ brain.

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Yeah, keep your kid away from DMT.

3:53 pm August, 5 Douchble Helix said...

Oh, and Kim should be the au pair.

4:05 pm August, 5 Vin Douchal said...

Also, while HC1’s body is all screwed up, poop out another kid or two. Crazy? No.

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I’m telling ya , kids need siblings. Then that way when you get old they can take turns putting you up in the spare room, wiping your sickly ass and feeding you pudding.

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You can drive them insane just like they do from age 0-2, 13-19 and 26 when they’re still living with you, eating your food, charging up your pay-per-view and choking up your computer time. Fuccers, hang the cordless phone back on the charger! Geez

4:06 pm August, 5 Gamelorn said...

Congrats! She is beautiful! The first few months are rough due to the lack of sleep, but once they start sleeping through the night, it gets a lot better. Enjoy every milestone. It is the hardest and also the most rewarding thing you will ever do. And you will love her more than anything else in the world…

5:50 pm August, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

And, just because the sweet baby wiggles in your arms is no excuse to drop her on the kitchen floor in front of HC1, her mother and closest aunt. Particularly when they know you are wasted, I know.

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I’d like to know DB1 if your daughter is a true Jewess.

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Yentas

7:33 pm August, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

And I am stonered and forgot to link to my weekend 2 set drumming gig at a Drunkfest.

.

7:44 pm August, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

8:30 pm August, 5 creature said...

great, spawn of another transplant to clog up my freeways…thanks dude, as if life weren’t painful enough, you just stepped in another steaming pile…pretend to be proud

7:55 am August, 6 kneejerk said...

Procreating?

HOW FUCKING DOUCHEY

8:27 am August, 6 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Congrats and remember fatherhood comes first…milking tree frogs and whatnot to be the provider for your new little clan 🙂

1:23 pm August, 6 Vin Douchal said...

Cockburn. That’s a funny name. I just met a dude named “Cockburn” Heh heh

3:23 pm August, 6 The Dude said...

Kim does have a nice plump Au Pair.

11:52 pm August, 6 ehcuodouche said...

Congrats, DB1. And congrats to Michael Jackson from coming back from the grave, as an Asian woman.

9:45 am August, 7 UFO Destroyers said...

Good luck with this whole kid thing DB1.

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But really, make sure you have a comfortable leather recliner and/or sofa. Flying formula (either from bottle or mouth) will clean right off.

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Also, make sure HC1 goes to bed first – she’ll be glad to get the sleep. You keep the little one up later while on said recliner, and unless she starts crying, you can do and watch whatever you want. ‘Cause who’s going to believe a three week old?

12:02 pm August, 8 FlipFriddle said...

Congrats my man! As a proud daddy of a 3 year old; they will be trying at times and drive you crazy, but when they light up at the sight of you and scream “Daddy!” and run into your arms… nothing is better.

Oh, and front to back my man. Front to back.

Get one of these (or six) if you don’t have it. They kick ass. http://www.amazon.com/Wubbanub-Infant-Plush-Pacifier-Green/dp/B000P22YTI/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1375988677&sr=8-7&keywords=wubbanub

2:34 am August, 9 douche equis said...

Congratulations, and welcome to the wonderful world of sleep deprivation! I wish you and your family the best. My one parenting hint? Turning on a radio tuned to white noise will get a squalling child to shut up for a while, and perhaps even fall asleep. Trust me, you will be happy to have this information at some point. Have fun!

4:21 pm August, 9 Wheezer said...

Boss, I’ve been offline for a few days (computer issues), but I’m glad to have returned to see this! No, not the skeeze in the main pic, but the news and photo of BC1.

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She is beyond beautiful – congratulations to the both of you!

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