Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Chandlerbag Puts on The Ritz with Party Girl Charzine

Chandlerbag

And by Ritz, I mean Cialis.

Also note the sheeny Mark of the ‘Bag on Chandlerbag’s forehead. Haven’t seen one so pronounced since the Mothers of Invention got teabagged by the Church of Later Day Saints.

Wait, what? DB1 makin’ so sense again.

Charzine is the one you sit back in the old age home to reflect on and realize you never admitted to fondling with an ostrich feather to your friends at the time. But lo these many years later, Charzine is the one you’re secretly proud of.

And by that I mean good at the sexy times in ways that the normals don’t comprehend.

Speaking of shameful coitus, special thanks/props to the legendary and increasingly cyborgian DarkSock for taking care of posting duties yesterday while your humb narrs was flying back to the city of palm from the city of shit driving.

But all was good with the grandparents who cooed over BC1 and a good time was had by all.

Now I’mma get drunk on rice wine and fire up the ole’ mock around here. After all, it is the holidays.

# posted by douchebag1
7:27 am December, 10 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I know Chandlerbag, and he is no Rev Chad. I have Cialis sons. It works. But if your drunk and take an SNRI for body pain it’s hard to squirt, even with two hot hookers at once last week. And by hot hookers I don’t mean this Donatella looking pig.

.

Fuck Father time and his bitch Mother Nature.

7:30 am December, 10 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Welcome home boss. A hearty happy Donkey Douche to you and yours, from the wilds of Afghanistan.

7:54 am December, 10 DoucheyWallnuts said...

The Transgender Eye of Coitus fills me with dread and killed my wood. Transgender, I says.

8:43 am December, 10 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I second the transgender.

.

Queers

8:57 am December, 10 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Whoa ! that is one rough lookin broad. I think I may have seen a vid of her and that diamond cane on brutalinsertions dot com.

9:09 am December, 10 DoucheyWallnuts said...

And whilst we’re talking about it, who the Fucc designed this Battlefield 4 multiplayer? Mongor?

9:30 am December, 10 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Isn’t that the same jumpsuit Elvis died in?

9:31 am December, 10 The Dude said...

Kim Cattral’s stepson has some big juggs on him. Chan-bag is in for a big surprise at the after-party.

9:32 am December, 10 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

That “chick” didn’t get beaten by the ugly stick. The entire forest turned out for that one.

9:42 am December, 10 Dickie Fingers said...

Kudos to Chandler and his attempt at bringing back the leisure suit, but I really think he can do better.

9:50 am December, 10 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Bad Mark o the bag this one has.

10:42 am December, 10 Vin Douchal said...

Db1’s settling into parenthood. Diapers and Cialas, the American male new normal

10:48 am December, 10 Dickie Fingers said...

Since Jacques isn’t here to remind us, Fuck Everyone!

10:49 am December, 10 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Chandlerbag eats deep fried sticks of butter and washes them down with a quart of half and half.

10:52 am December, 10 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Charzine’s labia look like a worn out old catcher’s mitt.

11:10 am December, 10 Jacques Doucheteau said...

And so another 1486 Douchie Winner bites the proverbial dust.

.

Cheapest First Date: Charzine (maybe formerly “Charles”)

Yeah, she(he?) is all done up in a little back dress and a fresh coat of her favorite shade of pink Wet n Wild nail polish, but the cheap stripper hair extensions and faux suede over-the-knee go-go boots just scream second drink dance floor grope.

.

No doubt by the time this picture was snapped Charzine has had the booze-soaked index and middle fingers of at least three different men up her ragged stench trench in full view of the unfortunate souls at the table across from them, forcing financial analyst Diane to put down her cobb salad and leave the club early due to “not feeling well.” Her fiance Tim doesn’t understand, and won’t until they get home and she tells him what horrors she witnessed at the corner booth.

.

“What a gross, horrible skank.” Diane exclaims. “How can people do that in public? They’re just ruining it for everyone like us who’s there to have a fun night out,” she says searching for some consolation.

Tim replies, “Oh, I dunno, they were having fun. And she was kinda cute.”

.

Tim gets an immediate and piercing glare of disgust before Diane in a huff turns and exits the room, the bedroom door slamming behind her. Moments later he hears the click of the lock, signaling his fate for the next several days to week or more.

.

Quite the opposite of what he was shooting for on date night, Tim won’t be getting any tonight.

.

Chandlerbag will on the other hand, along with four other blokes over the course of the weekend. They’ll all get some action. And they’ll all get a suspicious rash on their abdomens that turns into little itchy pustules that their physician has to remove with a surgical instrument that looks like a miniature ice cream scoop. It will continue to flare up every couple months or so.

11:11 am December, 10 Jacques Doucheteau said...

AFYA

11:13 am December, 10 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

I was going to jump in with a “That’s a man, baby!” but I see it’s pretty much been done. That’s what I get for being a semi-responsible adult and not showing up earlier.

12:21 pm December, 10 Vin Douchal said...

And they’ll all get a suspicious rash on their abdomens that turns into little itchy pustules that their physician has to remove with a surgical instrument that looks like a miniature ice cream scoop. It will continue to flare up every couple months or so……

.

.

……. Around 16 months later, Chandler’s doctor tells him his penis can not be saved. the raging mega-mixture of gonorreah, viral hepatitis and Human Papillomavirus threaten his very existence. The condition hasn’t responded to treatment and the only way to guarantee his survival is complete removal of his testicles and penis..

.

Chandler immediately breaks down. He calls his friend Marc but it goes to voicemail as his phone is being used for mirror selfies at the time.

.

.

Later that gloomy, raining afternoon Chandler fondles his unlicensed Sig Sauer pressing it absentmindedly to his temple as he thinks about that wild weekend with the bro’s. He stuck his dick in that chick’s ass, three times, just three times before he jizzed all up in there. He should have taken their offer of going first. Who knows what they caught in jail… Marc seems to have disappeared without a trace and changed his phone number….wonder what he’s going through?

.

In a moment of clarity, Chandler pulls the gun from his mouth, sets the safety. He looks through his iPhone3 looking for photos. He finds it, the one with he and Charzine. He goes to Target and Bluetooths an instant photo

.

.

At the doctor that afternoon he states his wishes, ” Okay, Doc, if I gotta , I gotta. Let’s go full load, Make me look like this girl

1:47 pm December, 10 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Donatella Versace just called to say this broad is fugly.

.

http://wiwibloggs.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/16917-donatella-versace-habillera-le-couple-637×0-1.jpg

6:11 pm December, 10 Douchble Helix said...

Hey, Vin! Is the “Marc” that had been in jail a reference to one of the HCwDB legends?

11:44 am December, 11 Bag Em Tag Em said...

Marc is “Donkey Douche” aka Da Myzz on FB

11:45 am December, 11 Bag Em Tag Em said...

^ I hate myself for knowing that.

12:23 pm December, 11 Douchble Helix said...

That was my suspicion.

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