Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Douchiest Celebrity Couple of the Year: Ryan Lochte and Carmen Electra

carmen-electra-ryan-lochte

Sadly, because your humble narrator is a lazy-ass slacker, we didn’t get to do the Douchie Awards this year.

But yeoman Vin Diesel refused to go gently into that good night, and submits the following:

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Celebrity Douchebag Couple 2013

A slow year for celebrity hookups. Of course Bag Virus Patient Zero, Hall of Fame All Star Richard Grieco made a splash with incredible poo-like art, but alas, no Bleeth on his arm. Mylie, Taylor , Katy, Kim all made splashes with their incredible lack of taste in Alphas.

On the sports side, asshat and NHL pest Dion Phaneuf hooked up with a chick that every dick (Yes I’m looking at you Sean Avery) cheap shotting , tough guy wannabe pro hockey player has seemed to have bedded: the once spectacular, but hopelessly Bleethed out Elisha Cuthbert.

Cable reality shows poured out the nimrod parade in a never ending battle to disgust us and TMZ continued to be the most annoying claptrap our sweet flat screens display in digital full color 7.1 Dolby surround sound. However, I await the breaking of the story of the inevitable and comforting news of Justin Bieber’s Malibu cliffside fatal car crash like a dog hearing the can opener, head tilt and all.

But I digress.

Some examples for our Douchiest Couples list were Chad and Avril, Porn twits James Deen and Stoya, Tom Cruise and delicious Ginger Laura Prepon (NSFW boobies), Matt Kemp and Khloé Kardashian and Chad Michael Murray and Nicky Whelan (he of the short lived marriage to delicious dream girl Sophia Bush and Nicky from one of the greatest peek-a-boo wet shots ever)

Let’s open the envelope.

Let’s face facts folks, no one is a bigger moron and douchebag than Ryan Lochte. His reality TV showed featured the most vacuous, idiotic brainwork of perhaps the most clueless human alive. Imagine my delight when word of his hookup with fellow Mensa, Carmen Electra was sporned.

Ryan is all that’s wrong with celebrity in these modern times. Carmen is a toxic throwback to the days of silicon jigglies equating to interesting matters of dire concern , the wastoid ’90’s. Here’s a toast to this year’s winner/losers : Ryan, may you rip an ab muscle flexing in a mirror and Carmen, someday, maybe after shower #1,000,000 , you may finally rid yourself of the stench of Dennis Rodman’s groin cheese. CHEERS!

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Oh, and Happy New Year!!

# posted by douchebag1
7:10 am December, 31 Dr Magnifico said...

That’s Carmen with the daft hat on, yeah? The one the right I mean.

7:20 am December, 31 FredN. said...

Her boobs are smarter than that boob.

7:28 am December, 31 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I agree with Vin. And by agree with Vin I mean I’d bang her.

7:34 am December, 31 Douchble Helix said...

No probs, Chief. We understand how busy you are.

.

It’s gotta be lots of hard work being the first guy in the history of humanity to take part in raising a child.

8:10 am December, 31 Dickie Fingers said...

Happy New Year! Carmen, call me after your 1,000,000 shower.

8:34 am December, 31 Ed Hardy Har Har said...

Happy New Year!

.

.

.

.

And may you all be fucked in 2014!

8:39 am December, 31 FredN. said...

Love that the original “Dennis Rodman’s COKCKK” didn’t last long on the main page. Besides, “groin cheese” sounds sooooo much better.

.

anyway…I’m looking for a special NYE experience. Show of hands if you think this will fit the bill?

http://chicago.backpage.com/FemaleEscorts/classifieds/EnlargeImage?oid=19564682&image=19679491

8:48 am December, 31 Vin J Douchal said...

I didn’t say groin cheese. I said cocckk. Groin cheese isn’t even in my subset of disgusting cuss words.

Fuck Ryan Lochte with a rusty tire iron

9:00 am December, 31 hermit said...

I have no idea who any of these people are, but “….like a dog hearing the can opener, head tilt and all.” FTW.

9:35 am December, 31 The Dude said...

This Ryan idiot doesn’t stir my innards. Globulous Girl does.

9:37 am December, 31 The Dude said...

hermit! Where ya been, lazy puncckk?

9:42 am December, 31 Dickie Fingers said...

FredN, You would be a fool not to hit that…

with your car!

10:00 am December, 31 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Canada will dominate you at the Olympic games Capitalist American pigdogs. Son.

10:14 am December, 31 DouceYouWannaDance said...

Hate to disagree, but I think Beiber/Gomez has the new “lifetime lock” in this category.

11:57 am December, 31 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Done of work on New Year’s Eve and already drunk as fuck do to Lenny’s continuing Honey Badger driving habits in blizzards. And stoooooned.

.

Next month. Llama farm repo pictures. Drink Chartreuse, and never get the blues. Son.

12:09 pm December, 31 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Sons. To another year of life for this beaten horse of a one joke site.

“Men heap together the mistakes of their lives, and create a monster they call Destiny.” Hobbes

.

Sons. Word.

1:17 pm December, 31 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

FredN: Looks like a classy babe you’ve got lined up. Hopefully her cock and balls won’t get in the way of any of your fun times.

.

Everyone have a safe NYE.

1:25 pm December, 31 Darksock said...

Here is wishing Dennis Rodman luck in 2014 in his new career as a prisoner of North Korea

1:56 pm December, 31 Vin Douchal said...

A little Jim Jeffries to end the year:

.

We all know what picky fuccen eaters pandas are

5:10 pm December, 31 DadBag said...

Why not even a mention for Kanye?

Lochte is so dim it’s not even fair.,,, results get skewed – yeah, skewed. I feel like droppin a notta vote simply out of sympathy. Harmless – because no one THINKS he’s smart….no one quotes the wisdoms of Lochte

But Kanye – in leather sweatpants – ?? – Comparing himself to a soldier or police officer when he is onstage “rapping”, because he too could get hurt.

He says he could “slip and fall”.

Possibly the most beatdown worthy quote of the year.

Anyways, that’s the way I see it,

Happy New Year – God bless and keep safe in the new year.

5:16 pm December, 31 creature said...

what the fuck is up with the cat “Inside Llewyn Dacis”?

5:17 pm December, 31 creature said...

er, Davis…stoopid Bullit Rye

5:58 pm December, 31 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Bullitt rye is the tits. The tits, I says.

9:15 pm December, 31 Wheezer said...

Happy New Year (2014 version), you fuccen dead ghey hatters!

9:15 pm December, 31 Wheezer said...

[9:15 pm December, 31]

.

Yeah, I saw that.

10:27 pm December, 31 The Dude said...

10.23 PST – I resolve to let myself go in 2014.

9:24 am January, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

She may be a bleethed out douche-spigot. But Carmen Electra is no mortal woman either. She’s made out of better stuff than your average b-lister. What is she like 70 year old? Not bad if you ask me.

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