Monday, December 2, 2013
Hanz and Brigitte's Wild Sunday Afternoon
8:00am — Arise to the pulsing sounds of techno-Wagner
8:12am — Shave all untoward hairs that might have grown during sleep time.
8:47am — Seven minute abs. Complete in five minutes.
8:53am – 9:48am — Shower, steam, sauna, groin-shave.
10:00am — Matching mani-pedis at the Gunterstrassen Nail Salon.
11:15am — Mint juleps and waffles brunch at Luftwaffle House.
12:41pm — Suppress traumatic memories of family history and legacy that remain unrecorded by subsequent trials and investigations
12:42pm — Reflect with fondness the dulcet pumping baseline of Avecii’s Wake Me Up.
2:01pm-6:23pm — Oysters
Boss, what the hell did we do to you? Enough!
6:24 p.m. – He starts browsing dresssox.com
.
(Do NOT go to that site…..I’m still scarred years after accidentally clicking a link for it.)
“Luftwaffle House” – LOL!!!!!
Drag Queen Billy Mays wants you to pitch to him. They’re having mimosas with amyl nitrate sidecars.
–
Spooge Zorbeez
Everytime Db1 posts a photo of this shit target , just wash the image from your mind with THIS
I’m getting a little nauseous realizing that DB1’s gonna drop a shirtless shot of Hanz soon.
“2:01pm-6:23pm — Oysters”
.
Thanks Boss. Are you talking his oyster or hers? Either way, yeeeeeech!
Immutable Music Rule #64: The quality of the music is inversely proportional to the amount of flames shooting from the stage.
~Luftwaffle~ created a keyboard and monitor problem here. Now I must watch Under the Tuscan Sun and commit a cock sneeze watching the One who got away.
Where are Mason Verger’s trained pigs when you need them?
Vin Douchal… thank you for the THIS. It saved me.
Lawrence Taylor fucked Uncle Fester?
Orange blouse in back can’t quite locate source of burning flesh mixed with Aqua Velva stench
sprechen sie deuche?
onamuttipeeya?
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/an-CPtp4tJm2hbJmm/spartacus_1960_snails_and_oysters/
This guy makes the lemon party guys look positively heterosexual.
Mom? Is this who you vacationed with after leaving dad?
He wears vinyl underpants.
That’s not eggs benedict in his beard!
–
Vendi, Vidi, Avicii… I came I saw I douched
Vin! Your link FTW! Thank you!
Look at him! He’s a poofter!
Thanks Vin Douchal! That was correct and necessary.
This guy is automatic Douchebag of the week.
.
I know we don’t do that anymore ’round here, but we do for this week. And this guy is it.
In fact, let’s just get the 2013 Douchies out of the way right now since I know it’s not going to happen this year (Lesson for all you single guys out there, this is what having kids will do to you. Shattered dreams and ruined aspirations clouded by the instinctual urge to devote your entire existence caring for a diseased little human grub that pukes on you, doesn’t know how to shit in a toilet, and once it learns how to do so will tell you to go fuck yourself and leave home, only to return with a little shit grub of its own that you’ll be taking care of half the time because “I gotta go to work and Rob’s being a dick and fucking some skank so I’m not letting him have the little brat this week”, and will still stick your aging ass in some shit-cheap old-folks home because they don’t feel like wiping your ass once you can’t control your bowels anymore, so you’re left to die in a puddle of your own piss and septic bed sores while they argue with their siblings about who gets your TV).
.
Uuuhhhh…where was I? Oh yeah.
,b>I know officially kick off HotChicksWithDouchebags.com 2013 Douchies!!!! (applause)
.
Every Category: Hanz, aka The Prince of Pompoos
.
There you go. See you all again next year for the 2014 Douchies, which will consist of no entries, no finalists, and definitely no amusing quips in the comments section. Just a couple of us old diehards refusing to let the poor old site die an honorable death as we hark back to the “good old days” of 2008-2010, when the Samurai Scrote thread topped 10,000…when Sergeant Scrote Stain would grace us with his witty observations and one liners…when Dicy showed us a picture of her cotton panty clad ass…when Medusa DIDN’T show us a picture of her ass…and when the peeing in horses jokes were still funny.
.
I’m going to bed, fuck you all.
Thank you for that gif, Vin. I can’t count how many times over I watched that loop.
.
In repayment, I give you THIS.
^do NOT click on it!^ LMFAO it’s not just a mistake, it’s a Jacquesteak
Sorry, wrong one.
.
THIS
Honest injun.
Like Mary Shelley’s monster, someone has stitched him together. He is a composite of so many (wrong) things.
Fuckin’ Jacques. I know better, and yet…
Someone tried to flush an oversized pompoos and now the entire Glockler is clogged.
^What Jacques said!
Slow golf clap for Jacques.
Killing Hipsters
Can I for one say that while this guy will sweep many of the awards Golden globes, Hottest librarian hot, Girl next door – these are all ones that I don’t want to see evidence for. I’d rather he didn’t win them but if the alternative is seeing him with pushed up moobs in a plaid skirt and librarian glasses… Just spare us that, please.
He has a fine jeweler.
Fellow German perv* here; actually, he’s gay. Check out his boyfriend and business partner (aged 65!):
https://www.google.com/search?q=Glööckler+Dieter+Schroth
They’re together since about 20 years. Optically he’s a nightmare and so are the clothes, doilies, and whatnot he peddles, mostly on QVC. Yet, though he certainly is a wacko of magnitude, in interviews he turns out to be quite a genial fellow, unpretentious and ready to mock himself, not dumb at all. Sacha Baron Cohen visited him before doing “Bruno”–Glööckler didn’t mind. He had a tough childhood (go figure) and now wants to live life to the fullest, wacko style. He doesn’t hurt me (as I look the other way when his likeness is around**) and he doesn’t really pilfer the chicks, so I think he merits a pass of sorts.
* not really, but by virtue of being a kraut I seem to qualify over here, so have that too, star spangled nancy boys.
** not so easy, as he even sells stuff in German hardware stores, yuck!