Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Reader Mail: Jacques Doucheteau Hands out the First 2013 Douchie Award

FridayHaiku

Master thespian Jacques Doucheteau sums up HCwDB’s current state in Monday’s Hanz and Brigitte comments thread:

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In fact, let’s just get the 2013 Douchies out of the way right now since I know it’s not going to happen this year (Lesson for all you single guys out there, this is what having kids will do to you. Shattered dreams and ruined aspirations clouded by the instinctual urge to devote your entire existence caring for a diseased little human grub that pukes on you, doesn’t know how to sh!t in a toilet, and once it learns how to do so will tell you to go f@#k yourself and leave home, only to return with a little sh!t grub of its own that you’ll be taking care of half the time because “I gotta go to work and Rob’s being a dick and f@#king some skank so I’m not letting him have the little brat this week”, and will still stick your aging ass in some sh!t-cheap old-folks home because they don’t feel like wiping your ass once you can’t control your bowels anymore, so you’re left to die in a puddle of your own piss and septic bed sores while they argue with their siblings about who gets your TV).

Uuuhhhh… where was I? Oh yeah. I know officially kick off HotChicksWithDouchebags.com 2013 Douchies!!!! (applause)

Every Category: Hanz, aka The Prince of Pompoos

There you go. See you all again next year for the 2014 Douchies, which will consist of no entries, no finalists, and definitely no amusing quips in the comments section. Just a couple of us old diehards refusing to let the poor old site die an honorable death as we hark back to the “good old days” of 2008-2010, when the Samurai Scrote thread topped 10,000… when Sergeant Scrote Stain would grace us with his witty observations and one liners… when Dicy showed us a picture of her cotton panty clad ass… when Medusa DIDN’T show us a picture of her ass… and when the peeing in horses jokes were still funny.

I’m going to bed, f@#k you all.

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All accurate. And scathing in all the proper ways. Good work J.D.

HCwDB may not be the arbiter of cultural influence that it once was. But we carry on my wayward sons (and daughters).

And on the bright side, there’s this. The war continues. I may not do the Douchie Awards this year because I’m a lazy slacker. But the mock will continue. Oh yes.

# posted by douchebag1
7:16 am December, 4 The Dude said...

Well, that was easy.

7:39 am December, 4 Dr Magnifico said...

That the mock continues is one of the ‘more serious things in life’ Hardy mentions.

7:49 am December, 4 Dickie Fingers said...

The Prince of Pompoos wins every category. That’s got to suck for Benzino.

8:01 am December, 4 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’ve been hanging around here for that long? I’m cool with dat.

8:15 am December, 4 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

And as has become customary over the last few Douchies I appoint myself the official DJ of the games. And once again we open the Douchies with the most lovely Rosie Vela and ELO. and shit.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMmRyyU0SOo

8:37 am December, 4 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

So Ed Hardy wants us to think he isn’t a douche: “Christian wanted me to be the figurehead, telling me I was going to be famous because he was a guy who worshipped bling and fame and he lives in that world. I didn’t even know who these [celebrities] were. I said, ‘Nah, that’s cool, just pay me,’ ” recalls Hardy, who handed the master license to Audigier.” Yeah. Money talks and bullshit walks. Fucck off Ed.

8:39 am December, 4 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Bleeth in the pic is gonna have a really hard time explaining to the dry cleaner why the cream is only on the outside of her jeans.

8:39 am December, 4 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

^ fucck me. cream PIE not just cream.

8:46 am December, 4 Dr Magnifico said...

I’m all for the tattoo mock continuing unabated. However it saddens me to notice that the infiltration of tattoos is so rampant that to mock ink is practically considered a serious crime.

Note the sequel … Hardy tries to oil out of the devolution and the growing lack of discipline and discretion that he himself contributed to so largely. Now that is douche!

9:30 am December, 4 Vin Douchal said...

Nice. As James Brown would say, “Let a Man Come In and Do the Popcorn”

9:30 am December, 4 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Pic above, is that E.T.-bag getting a lap dance ? Very strange.

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and I say just throw some half-ass attempt at a Douchies together. Fuck it. Not like anyone around here will be critical or anything.

9:34 am December, 4 Vin Douchal said...

She has a beaker of diarreah and a beaker of baby shit in front of her. Which one is she drinking from?

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The blurry dude has a big wooden splinter jammed in the top of his cranium. He’s opted to go to this place instead of an emergency room

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The guy leaning his butt in is farting in the general direction of blurry dude

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As a normal person, this photo confuses me

9:36 am December, 4 Vin Douchal said...

Blurry dude’s blood type is fluorescent

9:38 am December, 4 Vin Douchal said...

Blurry dude’s left arm works as a pick scraper

9:39 am December, 4 Vin Douchal said...

Blurry dude’s penis is inverted and pokes out between L-4/L-5

9:41 am December, 4 Vin Douchal said...

Blurry dude’s Last Will and Testament leaves his booger colection stuck under the TV tray to his pet mole, Mauricio

9:44 am December, 4 Vin Douchal said...

Blurry dude is Jacques Doucheteau’s Lexapro dealer

11:05 am December, 4 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

And just in case you thought Audinger and Hardy were douches:

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http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1875413-cristiano-ronaldo-set-to-open-museum-dedicated-to-his-own-career?utm_source=cnn.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=editorial&hpt=hp_c3

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Yeah, they got nuthin’ on this guy.

11:06 am December, 4 FredN. said...

Most confusing, for me, is the camo on him and the Jeggings (TM) on her.

11:33 am December, 4 hermit said...

Jacques summed up both the douchies and parenthood in two simple paragraphs, then closed with “fuck you all” as all great statements/speeches should.

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I applaud his pragmatism and brevity.

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Fuck you all.

2:51 pm December, 4 DarkSock said...

^Indeed, hermit. The only way it could have been more bracing is if, at the end, he’d dropped trou and shit on a pizza box while all of us, there in the same rented Holiday Inn conference room, went ape shit.

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But logistics proved to be too daunting.

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Shitters.

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