Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Blogger Nicki Daniels Indicts Herpster Beardery

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Over on her blog, someone named Nicki Daniels unleashes a righteous smackdown of hipster bearditude that summons the best of the HCwDB mock.

Here’s an excerpt:

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Dear Bearded Hipsters,

YOU GUYS ARE RUINING MY BEARD FETISH. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve loved a man with a beard. To me, they meant strength, power, MANLINESS. Someone who could protect me. Unfortunately, you guys have turned it into a fashion statement. The beard has turned into the padded bra of masculinity. Sure it looks sexy, but whatcha got under there? There’s a whole generation running around looking like lumberjacks, and most of you can’t change a f@#king tire.

Look, I get it. I really do. I understand the motivation behind your beardedness. In fact, I even pity you. Thousands of years of evolution priming you guys to kill stuff, and chase stuff, and f@#k stuff… and now what? You’re stuck at a desk all day. No battles to fight. No wars to wage. So you assert your masculinity the only way you know how. You brew beer. You grow some hair on your face. I’ve seen you, hipsters, sitting in downtown eateries, with your rock chick girlfriends, dipping your truffle fries, trying not to get the aioli in your mustache. I’ve seen the quiet desperation in your eyes. I know you’re screaming into the void.

But I still hate you for it. You’re confusing me. It’s now on me to suss out who is the real man and who is the poseur. Sadly, I fear most of you are the latter. Before this explosion of whiskers on trendy men everywhere, if I saw a bearded man it was safe to assume certain things about him. Like, he probably owned a hammer. Or washed his hair with a bar of Irish Spring. His beard was probably scented with motor oil and probably had remnants of last night’s chili in it.
————–

Head over to her blog for the full quality rant, it’s good stuff.

# posted by douchebag1
2:51 pm January, 15 DadBag said...

Onward, Gen. Custer

3:11 pm January, 15 Douchesdownunder said...

Amen.
Beards run rife down here. They usually accompany tofu, soy lattes, wayfarer spectacles and Mumford and Sons, MGMT, etc
Pussies.

3:19 pm January, 15 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Betty White has bigger balls than you. FTW

3:36 pm January, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Awww, man. When you said Nicki Daniels , I thought you meant the porn babe
.
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What an unfortunate coincidence. Just like me with my real name being Peter North and all. Son

3:36 pm January, 15 Wheezer said...

For all you Faceboogers:
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https://www.facebook.com/nickidanielsinterview
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She has pretty nice boobies. I’mma growin’ mah beard now.

3:38 pm January, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Nikki Daniels I says

4:40 pm January, 15 Charles Douchewin said...

She should mock here, too. In her followup article, she opines:
.
” From now on I will try to be more on-trend and topical with my disdain. And you’re right, the world IS changing. I will try to keep up. I also now realize that making fun of overprivileged white people is very, very naughty. As of today, I vow to only kick the paralyzed and slap the retarded. By the way, if you guys are looking for some chicks, check out those feminists I mentioned above. They have more enlightened views about masculinity than I do, even if they will keep your balls in their bell jar.”
.
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Whoa. Was that some kind of reverse Plath reference?
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If so, I call a literary HOH nomination.

5:19 pm January, 15 beltman713 said...

There’s a whole generation running around looking like lumberjacks, and most of you can’t change a f@#king tire.

Damn! This chick hit the nail right on the head.

5:20 pm January, 15 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I agree with Charles Douchewin. Plath? Showoff! I was thinking Pfah. I don’t know what she looks like, but her insightful malice makes me want to take her naughty face and ram in into my bearded snake in servitude to the penis.
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Silver Foxes

5:24 pm January, 15 Magnum Douche P. I. said...

Nikki Daniels / HCWDB collaboration ???

6:23 pm January, 15 Wheezer said...

Maybe Nicki Daniels is HC1 and Boss is growing a beard…..
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Could be – hey, we don’t know.

6:52 pm January, 15 Charles Douchewin said...

Hall of Literary Hott. Isn’t it a fact that each Rev vote counts for, like, 10^6 regular votes?
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Just lookit this [edited] prose from a recent post “I owe my dogs a walking, my [daughter] a cuddling, and my husband a good no-frills fucking.”
.
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Ok, DB1. Could you please request a guest post?

7:39 pm January, 15 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I think I saw a punk band by the name of The Vegan Nancyboys back in the late 70s. They opened for a band I was “managing” called Penis Torture. It was a mix of Generation X, a lesser known Welch band called The Shit Stains, and The Archies.
.
This current generation of guys who grow beards are just pussies who wish they were tough guys. No tough guy I ever knew had no beard. Although I did know of guys who had beards who were tough. But a beard don’t made a guy tough. Or some shit.

7:46 pm January, 15 DoucheyWallnuts said...

And one more thing, the guy in this picture with the beard here is a total Finnoch. His beard probably smells like lavender, tic tacs! and jism.

7:52 pm January, 15 purpledrank said...

Nicki Daniels is an annoying little Yenta (respect).

7:56 pm January, 15 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’ma stoned and I’m gonna allegorically and blogistically go pick that chick up. Metaphorically? Ironically? That’s it ironically.
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Fucking die hipsters. I never grew no beard, but if it did it would be epic and shit.

7:58 pm January, 15 DarkSock said...

I love her first..
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And the douche-pap-smear in the photo needs his jawbone area groomed with a claw hammer, arcing to and fro in crimson sprays of astounding death agony ejaculate.
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Son.

9:26 pm January, 15 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Hipster NFL logos.
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http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2014/01/nfl-logos-hipsters.html

10:27 pm January, 15 Nicki Daniels said...

Hi boys.

Look it’s late. I don’t know if I’m in the mood for a face-fucking. And no, I’m not THAT Nikki Daniels. But I am an ex-stripper and ex-drug addict so I’m pretty sure there’s a sex tape out there.

Glad you liked my post. The Plath thing? There’s this bitch who writes a feminist blog called The Belle Jar. She flew in on her bitch broom and dogged me out, so it’s my veiled way of telling her to suck my twat.

12:12 am January, 16 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Same can be said for douchebag contractors in Afghanistan, who NEVER had a beard back in the real world. They get here and think growing some gnarly Pa Kettle type beard gives them street creds with Afghans. It does not give them any creds. It still leaves them infidels in the Moselm’s eyes: infidels with stupid looking beards. Beards I sez

12:51 am January, 16 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Nickie is pretty cute, I must say.
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Hey gurl, I brew beer AND change my own tire. Heck, I just did a major top end rebuild on my teee-ruck. I do a mean head job…if you know what I’m saying.
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Look me up. I’ll gladly make you the #2 in my harem. Because real men have harems. Harems and armpit foam.

12:53 am January, 16 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Chris in ‘Baghdad knows truth. Any man that speaks truth in wartime gets my humble respect.

7:04 am January, 16 hermit said...

Beards are gay.

7:11 am January, 16 DarkSock said...

Beards are gayer than…um…cum on a beard.

8:49 am January, 16 cough said...

This is like a hipster ouroboros.

8:56 am January, 16 Dickie Fingers said...

Nicki,
The face fucking and penis servitude, while strongly encouraged, is entirely optional. Stick around, I think you’ll like it here.

9:08 am January, 16 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

So Nicki, where does that leave goatees?
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In my fuccen job I get to grow a beard twice a year and it’s only because I’m fuccen lazy about shaving and have less than warm and fuzzy feelings for the place I work at so fucck them. The rest of the year I gotta be clean shaven (in my actual fuccen contract). I ain’t claimin’ no manly-man status or nuthin’ but it does get me some extra luvin’ from Dr. Mrs. Doc Bunsen when the winters and summer come around.

9:31 pm March, 31 You're a B*tch said...

I know this guy personally and he is the complete opposite of a douche bag. Maybe you should open your mind to people you meet rather than bash them without knowing them. You are a complete bitch!

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