Saturday, January 25, 2014

The Gorilla Responds

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Last week Gamecockbag wrote in with a lament about his long crush on a bartender hottie who went on to date what he describes as a “gorilla” (pictured here).

Here was Gamecockbag’s initial email:

———
This girl bartended at a bar me and my friends used to frequent.

She quit working there a while ago and we all kind of forgot about her.

She’s now working at a bar around the corner from my house and has apparently gone from nice Southern girl to something resembling a character on the Jersey Shore.

She has also added a “gorilla” or “juice head” as they call them to go along with her new look.
—————

Well The Gorilla has responded!:

————-
First of all, gamecockbag???? Really? Are you the nutsack of a Carolina Gamecock? Makes this post more understandable.

Jealous much ?? You and your boys kept getting turned down when you hit on her, huh? Oh, what? You weren’t brave enough to try and talk to her !!?? What a bitch she is !!

And because a guy works out and builds muscle, he is automatically a juice head?? This coming from a probable fat, snow white, lil gamer boy living in his parents garage.
————–

Interestingly enough, “Fat Snow White Lil Gamer Boy” was also the title of a poem by W.H. Auden.

# posted by douchebag1
2:24 pm January, 25 The Dude said...

What delightful repartée! I do prefer her decolletage…

3:07 pm January, 25 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

All meatheads talk tough even though they don’t have the dexterity to throw a punch. Up here in newly balmy Glengarry County at a heated -10 degrees we are wearing shorts and call guys like this a Fagabeefe. Meaty homosexuals with false bravado that hate white skin and keep a robust January tan.
.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fagabeefe&defid=1027088
.
He’g gotta lighten up on the juice and go for a rip.
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-glHAzXi_M
.
Heliophobes

3:32 pm January, 25 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

“And because a guy works out and builds muscle, he is automatically a juice head??”

No, douchebag, when you have arms bigger than your head we know you’re not natural.

4:26 pm January, 25 Wheezer said...

He looks like a Rob Liefeld drawing. Does he have feet?
.
Anyway, I think I like Crucial’s name for him from that thread: Bicepinocchio.

5:59 pm January, 25 Scooby Douche said...

My advanced age has made me so cynical. He didn’t write that….

First, this guy can’t use a multi-syllable word like “automatically”.
Second, he does not know what a question mark is, let alone where to find it on a keyboard.
Third, he does not know what a keyboard is.
Fourth, he can’t take the time out from his roid regimen and “pumpin iron” with his bros to try to compose an email.

6:07 pm January, 25 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Nothing wrong with being a juicehead. I know some perfectly amiable juiceheads at the gym I frequent. And yes, they’re douchebags. Moderately pleasant douchebags, but douchebags none the less.
.
It’s good to see that over the last six to eight years that the standard insult against the anonymous troll hiding behind their computer screen paying WoW and jacking off to photos of suicide bombers blown in half on 4chan has evolved from living in their “mom’s basement” to “parent’s garage”. I’m glad that the nebulous geek stereotype has moved upstairs and his parents got back together. Things are looking up!

6:20 pm January, 25 Jacques Doucheteau said...

I can’t help but wonder, are these the first shots fired in a proxy war between Gamecockbag and The Gorilla? Though an interesting thought, let’s be careful. Don’t want the comments section turning into youtube.

6:23 pm January, 25 Jacques Doucheteau said...

This pic is of such bad low-light-flip-phone-camera-quality I can’t tell if The Gorilla is holding a drink or preparing a 1-inch kung fu punch to his lady’s abdomen.
.
Take THAT zygote!

6:40 pm January, 25 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Going back to the original thread, the gentleman dubbed The Gorilla, settled on the moniker “Douche hater” for the comments section when he originally penned the above quote. This choice of words he decided upon representing himself with begs a few questions.
1 – Does he hate douches? And if so, does he hate the feminine hygiene product or the colloquial perjorative for an arrogant individual with sub-par intelligence and culture?
2 – Does he hate the word “douche”?
3 – Did he mean to say “wimpsthatkeepcallingmeadoucheonthecomputeranditrytopunchthembutijustkeepbreakingmyscreenandthewimplaughsatme hater” but got confused and so just shortened it to “Douche hater”?

6:41 pm January, 25 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Crucial Head’s name and origin story was the best.
.
Gorillabag’s real name is Bicepinoccio.
.
You may remember him as the protagonist in the Elder Childcockk’s novel ‘The Adventures of Bicepinocchio,’ by Chodellodi. Whittled by a woodcarver named Scroteppetto in a small douchebag village, he was created as a wooden puppet (all due respect to Troy Tempest), but Bicepinocchio dreamed of becoming a real douchebag. Once the tiny wood became flesh, he found himself chronically prone to telling lies about crushing pussy on the reg and fabricating stories of heterosexual desires…
.
… each mistruth causing his left bicep to inflate further and further until it eventually morphed into a toothy python that flibbered and flobbered in the throes of unsquelchable hunger and swallowed him whole before shatting the refuse in a runny mound amidst an empty bovine pasture.
.
And thus it was. Spake Zarathustra.

6:42 pm January, 25 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Some regs were calling for The Gorilla’s induction into The Closet of Poo.
.
I concur, but only if we change his name to Bicepinoccio.

7:02 pm January, 25 Douche Wayne said...

The Gorilla has the literary capacity of a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters.

7:05 pm January, 25 Douche Wayne said...

Pic makes me wonder who paid for who’s implants?

7:25 pm January, 25 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I second the vote for Bicepinoccio to the Closet of Poo. The crimson is blinding.

8:35 pm January, 25 Steve said...

Her head is bigger than his.

12:38 am January, 26 DarkSock said...

Douche Wayne and Steve have rendered crushing retorts.
.
nutsacks o’ Carolina Gamecockkks

12:39 am January, 26 DarkSock said...

Although no expression of stern disapproval of their coupling can surpass the reproachful gaze in the background of Laticia LargeWoman.

7:07 am January, 26 The Dude said...

Her tits are bigger than his head.

7:19 am January, 26 Gamecockbag said...

Hey juice head, if you would have read the initial post or had someone read it to you (which is more likely) you would have noticed neither me or my boys ever asked her out. We thought she was “ok” with some nice fake tatas. We really forgot about her the instant she left our watering hole. The real reason for this post is you are such a juiced up, roided out, fake tanning choad that to get on this site I had to post a pic of a “hot chick” and I use that term loosely so that the world could see your lameness. Enjoy your small nutts and skin cancer by age 35. Oh, and the Cocks have beat you Tigers 5 years in a row which really has nothing to do with this post but it’s fun to rub in.

12:38 pm January, 26 The Dude said...

Whoa! G-cockBag gettin’ some Gamecock on! Me likey!
.
*popcorn*

2:48 pm January, 26 Bag Em Tag Em said...

Im a big fan of her gaboons. Great teeth too.

No clue what she sees in the Human Vein.

Travesty.

4:24 pm January, 26 CG said...

the fauxhawk …mullet of the new millennium.
and what is with that creepy Jamie Foxx-esque hairline?

“Steroids, Test, Andro, HGH, gear, EQ, TRT”
ahh, the juicehead’s game of anabolic semantics used to smokescreen the ignorant into believing it’s perfectly natural to have traps larger than an NFL linebacker. whatever you want to call it Mr Gorilla, it’s all AAS and in anyone’s book (oral, dermal or injected) it’s all “juice.”

just so we’re clear: you’re not a “juicehead” because you work out and build muscle. you are a “juicehead” BECAUSE YOU ARE ON THE JUICE.

so anyways, who’s your source for Cialis and are they g2g?

9:45 pm January, 26 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I have to give the orange simian some credit. “Jealous much?” does seem to be the real reason for the reader mail. If this chic had just done the socially responsible thing and accepted gamecock’s flaccid microphallus into one of her many orifices, there wouldn’t have been any complaint.

9:51 pm January, 26 The Dude said...

Bartender gal needs to run away from this gorilla and seek refuge at my mail box: gofart@shit.whitley.kneel.com

6:28 am January, 27 Dickie Fingers said...

When you get larger, maybe your clothes should too. You also appear burned and greasy.

7:28 am January, 27 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

Signs of Steroid use:

Unusually greasy hair or oily skin (often with stretch marks on the inner joints) CHECK
•Small red or purplish acne, including breakouts on the shoulders and back CHECK
•Thinning hair throughout the head or receding hairline (male pattern baldness) CHECK
•Jaundice or yellowing of the skin; this signals liver damage CHECK
•Increased muscle size CHECK

•Extreme mood swings CHECK
•Increased aggression or irritability CHECK
•Becomes disrespectful or abusive (verbally and/or physically) CHECK
•Poor decision making stemming from feelings of invincibility CHECK
•starts lying CHECK
•Paranoia – extreme feelings of mistrust or fear
CHECK

7:58 am January, 27 cough said...

Gamecockbag gets owned, quickly backpedals and tries to cover his ass.

Amusing.

4:09 pm January, 27 cough = Douche hater = gorilla said...

LOL, like no one would see that

8:43 pm January, 27 ehcuodouche said...

I third the nomination for Poo HOF. She’s pretty yellow herself but he makes her look pasty in contrast. And no mark of the bag on his forehead because the melanin in his skin absorbed the light of the flash.

8:19 am January, 28 cough said...

Sorry, not Gorilla.
Just a man who can see when someone needs to up their game.

8:32 am February, 3 Can't get over this said...

She doesn’t look anything like this in person EVER.

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