Friday, August 12, 2016

Assmodious Von Shmegmoid Drinks Victoria’s Soul

asda

 

Completing my half-assed, mailed in, one-post-a-month “Shmegma” trilogy here at Hot Chicks with Douchebags, please enjoy this creepy emo tattmodel scrotechoad using alien superpowers to drain the purity of Victoria’s dropped-out-of-Bennington-just-moved-to-the-city-like-OMG soul.

Scientific name:  Twatmondious assmodious

This puke-onymous genetic hybrid splicing is equal parts generic model dude from Sex and the City, the overly constructed pseudo-outrageousness of overpaid hack screenwriter and post-Nerdist nepotist-beneficiary douchewank Max Landis, and the neo-pointilist postmodern abstract art of Jon Thompson. This idiocratic lizard stain fart punches llama poop with the joie de vivre of Airplane’s Robert Hays passively raping Mork & Mindy’s Pam Dawber in a TV movie from 1980.

Too many embedded links in a run-on sentence on a badly dated blog that hasn’t been relevant in five years?

Okay then, how about Douche Baby?.

Or Douche Fanny Pack?

Look, man, I know I haven’t updated in awhile but I got fi’ kids to feed! Ah yes, classic action movies. When men were men. And racist stereotypes served as delightful comic relief.

# posted by douchebag1
1:05 am August, 13 Jeet Kune Douche said...

FFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIISTING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Assmodius and Douche FP are the real reason why sledgehammers and chainsaws were invented.

I fear it is too late for Victoria. The purple haze of douchosity clings to her skull like a miasma composed of all things profane.

TRUMP will save us. He is the AntiChrist to all douches, smegmoids and CHUD spawn of Hillary the Red Queen.

Amen.

12:54 pm August, 13 hermit said...

Mindy stripping down to the dulcet trumpet of Herb Alpert aroused my Tijuana Brass.

12:45 am August, 14 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I passively raped Pam Dawber many times in the late 70’s and early 80’s. And by passively raped, I mean furiously pounded the meat when that whore Tami wasn’t sucking my Jesus-sized cock. Good times…remote controls with wires and no Bluetooth waves poisoning the kids supple grey matter.
.
Trump is the new Fonzie. MAGA.
.
Kroeger out from the sweet Green Mountains of the Northeast Kingdom. I got guns in two countries now, son.

7:19 pm August, 14 hermit said...

Don’t know if he crossed his t’s, but at least he dotted his eyes.
.
Yuk, yuk

4:41 pm August, 15 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I’ll bet his favorite song is “Spooge Me in the Eyes with Diamonds”.

4:44 pm August, 15 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Hey Et Tu
.
Have you started watching football (real football not that pussy American shit) yet? My team (Arsenal) got a mudhole stomped in their shit they sucked so bad. I saw Barcelona won (Forca Barca!) but I didn’t know if La Liga started yet.

9:53 pm August, 15 motorboat said...

@Doc,

It’s ETD? somehow I can’t login as ETD? and I was assigned motorboat.
.
La Liga starts this Friday, I caught Chelsea v West Ham today also watched the Liverpool V Arsenal match yesterday. I’ve been watching a lot this summer ie; the Euros and the Copa Centenario. Respect to the Hungarian goaltenders old school sweatpants
.
Zlatan looks like he’s gonna tear it up this year.
.
Assmodious Von Shmegmoid Drinks Victor’s Spooge

2:27 am August, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Football is Giants. Islam is toasted over the next few election cycles, and Shit.
.
No radist.

2:27 am August, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Radish

2:27 am August, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Rapist

2:34 am August, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

You racist fuckkers. I keep my Muslims chained and well fed. And by Muslims I mean the fuckers movin into my hood. Today I hear crickets and bullfrogs, secadas, tree frogs, snakes, other reptiiles and crickets. In 50 years, we will hear the howling of the Minaret and the call to prayer five fucking times a day.
.
Out of my cold dead hands, Sons.
.
That fucking LArry Wilmore Cocksucker got cut. I’m too old to stay up for fucking Commy news fucking shit.
.
Molon LAbe. Fuck Paul Ryan. MAGA.

2:37 am August, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Buy early and buy often my friends. Bottle up the hooch Hermit. And NyQuil.
.
https://www.cheaperthandirt.com/

9:29 pm August, 16 motorboat said...

@Doucheywalnuts,

I see they imploded the Riviera in Vegas today, my condolences. I’m sure you have a ton of memories from the old joint as a matter of fact I’m sure we would love to hear an old reminiscences.

10:00 pm August, 18 Charles Douchewin said...

Stage 1 douchewank. This coupling of douchitude doesn’t rattle my cage, because paedomorphy ain’t my thing.
.
More importantly, I think we all agree this is fascinating, and that nobody’s surprised it’s from Jersey.

9:44 pm August, 19 hermit said...

Three things about the “Pedals” video ^
.
1. Holding a smartphone on the vertical while recording is a douchebag move.
.
2. I wonder who bought himself a new Nissan with the twenty-eight grand from the Gofuckme account which was never used.
.
3. Wonder how long it will be before Pedals brutally mauls some six year old to death for the peanut butter sandwich in his backpack.

2:54 am August, 20 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Rev Chad has so much weed that he is not growing this year. Paper leaf bags full like some fuck that rakes his lawn. All piled up in the side garage like over in the Grove under the scotch Pine.. Stupid ready with weed for the coming Sweet Apocalypse; and zeroed in to a small grouping at 350 y with the old 7.62 x 39 gun. Russians. And by Russians I mean poon and shit, Sons.
.
Terminators…… CCCP

7:15 pm August, 20 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I’ve lost my HCWDB mojo and I’m trying to get it back. And when I say trying to get it back, I mean I’m masturbating and drinking Jack and Cokes.
.
I’ve been wearing my black armband since the implosion of the Riviera. I haven’t seen anything collapse upon itself like that since the rectum of Yvonne Criag when Ceasar Romero and I tag teamed her in the poop shoot in Adam West’s trailer.
.
The Riviera was the scene of many a shenanigan back in the day. I once watched Tony Bennett bang Ruta Lee on the bandstand behind Grady Tate’s drum kit, whilst the Quincy Jones Quartet was performing. This was before Bennett had the herpes.
.
Then there was the time when Victor Buono ans Shelly Winters had a contest to see who could eat the most at the all you can eat buffet, and then who could take the biggest strunz. Strunz, I says. That Winters broad sure could eat.
.
Makes me pine for those days…

11:20 am August, 25 Carlos Danger said...

Assmo

3:29 pm August, 25 The Dude said...

Somehow this reminds me that there aren’t many douchey characters in any of the Star Trek series. Even the bad guys aren’t all that douchey.

Nice to hear from you, db1. The Grieco virus certainly isn’t going away due to neglect.

11:44 pm August, 25 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Hillary Clinton is an omnivorous, incontinent, catheter-wearing, drunken hag with 99 problems, and Trump isn’t one of them. Weak old conspiratorial horva with bad veins and thrombosis.
.
The Alt-right is not racist, but we don’t trust those who suck desert scums anal glands,
.
Stop the globalist Ottaman empire redux. Feminism is cancer.
.
MAGA

11:44 am August, 26 hermit said...

Judging by the huge North Korean pants suits the old cow is currently sporting, she’s using a kiddie pool for a colostomy bag.
I bet Huma a is getting tired of keeping track of her stroke meds and changing her boxer shorts and shit.

3:38 pm August, 26 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Hey Rev, wanna be spun up?
.
http://www.chronicle.com/article/Free-Expression-in-Peril/237568

11:52 pm August, 26 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Your academic journal will not let me participate you asshole. Fuck you and your neoliberal blackmail. Respect.
.
MAGA
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5UoQ87O21Rw

12:01 am August, 27 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Your academic journal will not let me participate you asshole. Fuck you and your neoliberal blackmail. Respect.
.
MAGA
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5UoQ87O21Rw
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7I92r9GqUw
.
https://www.facebook.com/GodEmperorTrump/photos/a.792821487511350.1073741828.791373644322801/945533258906838/?type=3

1:26 am August, 27 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Literary scholars may say that the best way to know a book is to read it from the context of the authour. I’m drunk. Get it.
.
I am the alt-right.
.
https://media.giphy.com/media/l3vRc600gjMnqjHji/giphy.gif

9:24 pm August, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Dr. Bunsen
.
I think the best thing that could happen this year is the end of human species. Somebody stole 2 pounds of weed out of my shed. Only 2 people knew it was there. Someone may be punished with prejudice. Trigger warnings are for faeries.

11:35 pm August, 29 hermit said...

^That’s fucked up Rev. Like stealing insulin from a diabetic.

1:39 am August, 30 motorboat said...

ETD? here.
.
My condolences Rev, here’s hoping it’s not Lenny the Box.

2:41 am August, 30 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

It’s my neighbour from the next concession. Jealous fuck. He’s just pissed off cause my Jews are already trained to live off of carrion and home greens. He can’t afford guns cause of his liberal wife/cow. Big faerie. I just had some pickled road-kill salmon and a few heads of eavestrough lettuce for a late night buzz munch.
.
I got more weed. I was just trying to grab a few handsful of last years primo bud for a dude that vouched for me at a range where I can shoot my 50 caliber. No good turn goes unpunished Sons. Get control of your probabilities and soldier on my good Christian warriors.
.
And watch this liberal shit.
.
Humas
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQhENfeM9dc
.

6:12 pm August, 30 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Athiesm>Feminism>Multiculturalism>Kiparnaek>Cultural Suicide

6:12 pm August, 30 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Sub in Trudeau for Kipinek in Canada.

8:01 pm August, 30 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Trump is acting out his thesis in support of his hypothesis. He is presently in possession of the synthesis. Political theatre is sometimes relevant to culturo/political reality. He will be a true, and, Aristotelian hero in his Triumph over the bad Zionists and the globalist Crooked Hillary Rotten Clinton. .
Obamas have no soul.
.
Night Trains.
.
I remember when the races were not at SJW warvwith each other. It was a time of true progress. It was the 70’s.
.
Willis
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrkEDe6Ljqs

9:01 pm September, 2 Charles Douchewin said...

At the close of our summer, 2016, I implore ya’ll – in whatever metaphoric interpretation you choose: Get on your bikes and Ride!

8:29 pm September, 6 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Enjoy Rev
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlmAQXCYSXk

9:08 pm September, 6 Ed Hardy Har Har said...

Opened up an older browser I haven’t used in a LOOOOOONG while (Sea Monkey) and found Arthur Kade in the bookmarks bar. Them were the days. Good times!

7:13 pm September, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

“At this point, what does it matter.”
.
Fuck you you reptillian, Depends wearing, moslem loving, anti-gun, traitorous, thieving whore commie, fem- hag held together with pantsuits, catheters, and narcotics. Fuuuuuck you! Canada stands with the exit of the US from totalitiarian Soros control. I told you dudes Merkel was a festering pany waste globalist.
.
She can take your lives, but she cannot take your FREEDOOOOM!!!!!
.
https://www.facebook.com/GodEmperorTrump/photos/a.792821487511350.1073741828.791373644322801/957888997671264/?type=3

7:17 pm September, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Free Julian Assange and give him a nedal of valor or some shit Trump. The man is a goddamn genius patriot of the fre world.
.
@Dr. Bunsen
.
Four farms down the lane, a property has been purchased by someone of Algerian heritage. 3000 rounds per gun, Son.

7:49 pm September, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Secular progressives must be rounded up Khmer Rouge-style sons. And other violent shit.

11:20 pm September, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

The Tree Of Liberty is thirsty my friends.
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZgblTKscX0

11:27 pm September, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

A Milllenium from now, few things will be known of our days after we have returned to the Earth/Cosmos consciousness.. Our short period of rationalizing our observable existence, obfuscated by the Matrix, wasted on most and Championed by some.
.
The Song Remains The Same, and the surviving warrior/Saviors of Christ will rejoice in all things Zeppelin and all things Trumpian.
.
MAGA Sons. And shit. Fuck that necrotic She-BEAST. You are living in the Truman Show. All is done for you. Resistance may be futile, but it is worth a shot.

9:24 pm September, 10 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Get your kids shooting soon. The communists are coming. Not Putin, Soros et al. My kids got their holster certification today so they can do this….
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZE-EDGw2vo

1:32 pm September, 11 hermit said...

https://www.instagram.com/p/BHNR8Q_DQd6/?hl=en

9:52 pm September, 16 hermit said...

Isn’t the term “Douche Fanny Pack” redundant?
.
.
Deplorables

1:18 am September, 18 Jeet Kune Douche said...

Holy flying frisbees! LOOK AT THIS! PROGRESSIVISM EXPLAINED:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3qkf3bajd4

2:24 pm September, 19 Carlos Danger said...

What the hells going on here. We’re up to one post a week.

8:26 pm September, 19 Jeet Kune Douche said...

We need to expand the site viewership.
Maybe insert keywords that are normally used for Daily Kos, Democratic Underground, Huffington Post, NYT, WaPo and other dhimmicrat Ministry of Truth outlets?

5:40 am September, 21 Douchesdownunder said...

Holy Christ!

Five weeks and nothing new. How ’bout you hand over the reins to someone else boss?

6:07 am September, 21 Jeet Kune Douche said...

While we’re waiting for new content – let’s talk politics. 🙂

Question to you all:
If Hillary does indeed win the election on 11/8, what do you think will be her first official act after being sworn in on January 20?
A. Divorce Bill and marry Huma in a wiccan ceremony
B. Declare that the Clinton Foundation will from now on be the owner and manager of all federal finances, replacing the Treasury department
C. Declare the USA a caliphate
D. Have all libertarians, republicans, unregistered voters who nevertheless voted against her and the directors & employees of all non-approved media outlets arrested and interned in ‘reeducation camps’
E. All of the above and other things besides

Please provide your answer as well as reasons for selection.

1:10 pm September, 21 hermit said...

There will be no more content.
..
DarkSock…….dead
Rev Chad……. MIA
DB1…………….Presumed dead

https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1824861/would-you-risk-botox-for-your-balls-number-of-men-wanting-the-bizarre-op-doubles-in-a-year/

8:28 pm September, 21 Vin Douchal said...

@ Hermit- At least you didn’t throw me in that bulldozered pit of dead, diseased, decaying bodies
.
And I come bearing gifts:
.
First, internet sensation and who knows what ever else she does besides make the front of my pants tight, Haylie Noire (is that her real name?). Smoking girl-next-door brilliance with a hint of high fashion model. Get the lotion and tissues ready
.
Douches abound. Talk like a pirate day? Really, you assholes? No let up in with these tools. Some douches hold up “two fingers” because there’s two photos of ’em
.
.
And if’n you’re interested in a great band you’ve most likely never heard of here’s Crack The Sky:
.
Live version of She’s a Dancer
.
And Hold On/Surf City
.
.
Go Sox. Fuck off , Fishslap

8:30 pm September, 21 Vin Douchal said...

Two douche photo fuck up: Here

9:04 pm September, 21 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

My thesis on the impact of “Globalism, Migration Trends, and the Subsequent Skyrocketing Prices of Condominiums-The Chinese Case”. Has been rejected for a third time. But I got two weeks to fuck around until it’s due again. Fuck you UBC!
.
I have it from a primary source of information that Dark Sock is indeed alive. Patience on his return, Sons.
.
The answer to the question posited by the good man Jeet Kune Douche is E.
.
The answer is redundant. If she wins there will be a civil war. The people are fed up of Angela Merkels pussy-fried spatzel and this asian migrant share the wealth, kill America Soros shit.
.
Trump will call for a revolution and get it. Hail Trump, and Shit.

9:29 pm September, 21 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

The setting is a cold evening in November, Trump Plaza.

He looked out the window at the busy streets below as he had for decades. I built this, he thinks. Some of it anyway. It was one week after he had won it all after a spectacular peaceful coup of the world’s most powerful nation.
.
He had just stepped out of the shower. Moving slowly and deliberately, he straightened the soap dispenser on the sink and finished his Big Mac dinner.
.
Donald caught his reflection in the mirror. He saw an old man looking back at him wrapped in a luxe robe. Where had the time gone, the last two years in the blink of an eye.
.
He felt weary after years of jet-setting arounf trying to make Amerika Great Again. He has spoken to millions, tens, hundreds of millions of diverse people literally and figuratively.
.
He had recently had a few days to reflect on what he had done. He looked at the old man in the mirror and thought, “Why did I do this?”
.
Don sat down to ponder for a moment while he dried off. He looked around the bathroom and the luxuries with which he had lived all these decades. A half a century to get here? He thought in a deep repose. He looked past the luxury and remembered why he started this journey of greatness.
.
After a few moments of reflection, he stood to meet his gaze in the mirror again. A proud strong 70 year old man in the mirror this time. Messy hair and no orange spray. No tailored suit, just the naked sagging man. No fans. Just The Donald, mano a mano with his soul.
.
He had a revelation. “I did this for my father Fred, my mother, my children, my American family from whom I have gained so much.” For God and Country” he thought.
.
The sounds of the busy city ringing through the cracked window. A cool breeze from the window woke him from his introspection.
.
A Voice from the adjoining room, Melania asks in a sultry voice “Are you coming to bed Dahling?’
.
“Not tonight dear”, President Trump said as he looked in the mirror once more. “It’s go time honey. I have to MAGA.”

9:40 pm September, 21 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Don’t trust anyone Sons. not even yourself, or your selves self. The communists are putting on a full court press. Hillary has no support. Green screen crowds. High school students bussed in to fill seats, advanced Parkinson’s disease etc. STop the reptillian overlords this year and live MAGA and free. Soros is going to fund hard, but Trump has several 100 million yet unspent and a positive message. Buy ammo now!!
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQCaWLF2gfs
.
I do not jest. We dine in hell.

10:21 pm September, 21 Jeet Kune Douche said...

I got dibs on ivanka when she finally divorces. I’d pile into that like a meth’d out accordion monkey with a cattle prod in his bunghole.

I truly do not understand how hillary has even ONE pledged voter. To support hillary must require training in Retardedness that must be Olympian in its intensity.

1:18 pm September, 22 Carlos Danger said...

I have also heard that a 57 Plymouth Fury has once again been prowling the streets of Biloxi. Darksock has risen from his watery grave.

3:43 pm September, 22 hermit said...

“In the End Times there will be DarkSock and rumors of DarkSock.”

3:44 pm September, 22 hermit said...

Rev 69:69 ^

6:50 pm September, 22 Charles Douchewin said...

No more content?!
.
There’ll be content everywhere after DarkSock’s second coming.

6:52 pm September, 22 Charles Douchewin said...

Meanwhile, besides Haylie Noire’s everywhere, here is the cool: http://whereisthecool.blogspot.com

2:56 am September, 24 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Martial Law is close. Or not. Black Power?
.
Order ammo before the Post Office is closed Sons.
.
I will be back in the Epoch of Sock.
.
Some days I think we would all be bettr off in a more Bitter place. Down her red headed throat and tonsils. Sweet smoothe yextured tonsils.
,
She dont need no dentist now Sons. How many mo black men be beaten for preaching Peace.
.
Mos dem bois dont kno you are leveing in a dreme. Long tim no sice i sw. Charly says hes redi to sllep.
.
Fuck. I was watching the news.

4:44 pm September, 24 Jeet Kune Douche said...

We are definetily at the end times, where dogs and cats will marry and pigs fly – see below:

http://hotair.com/archives/2016/09/23/caitlyn-jenner-might-convinced-kim-kardashian-vote-donald-trump-cant-believe-wrote-headline/

7:07 pm September, 24 motorboat said...

ETD? here, I still hate having to log in as motorboat however I like to motorboat nay love to.
.

@ The right honorable Monsignor Chad
.
There’s a lot of chatter out on the wire that if Billary loses a lot of folk are gonna move to Canadia. What plans does Trudeau have to vet the oncoming tide? Will you be taking in any travelers?
.
I hear it syrup season up your way this time o year. Loves me some corn syrup.

1:46 am September, 25 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Any sumbitch Ruffalo, Streisand, Whoopie, Downey Jr, gonna get some taste of lead if they come near this fucker. If Hillary loses, a Mr. Trump has promised me safe haven after some extreme vetting. I hope that means fucking hid beta daughter. MAGA

1:07 pm September, 26 Carlos Danger said...

If Hillary wins I may consider a move to Canada. I’ve got a damn good snowblower and I know how to use it.

3:22 am September, 28 Ted Brogan said...

Somehow the country will find a way to move on without you, Carlos.

12:03 pm October, 4 Carlos Danger said...

Lets hope so, Ted.

9:24 pm November, 3 Fotos de Famosos said...

La chica es toda una belleza eh, pero que ricura tiene una cara super linda alguien me puede decir como se llama? buen articulo felicito al creador de la entrada. Saludos cordiales desde España.

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