Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Tiki Douche Wants Your Vote

Tiki Douche just kicked in the pixel-door here at HCwDB, hoping to influence your vote with a last minute mugging of Claire the Yoga Hott.

And if that’s not enough, how’s about a little pinkdanna?

Damn Tiki D. I dunno. Both Bucky and Gunny are tough to beat for sheer scrotal taint. And I’m not sure this type of last minute meddling in the Monthly should be allowed.

But because I want to set your guyliner on fire, I’ll allow it, although this is not an endorsement of you for the Monthly.

HCwDB of the Month

Can I get a wut? Coming off the two-toned weekend punch of the potentally flaming gaybaggery of Cheeto Man and the toxic HCwDB commingling of Smoot, it almost seems unfair that this week is the HCwDB of the Month. But those pics will have to wait for next week.

For now, here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Gunny

Gunny brings the gun show, solidly besting his competitors with a run of silly belt buckle in presence of numerous suckle thighs (seen in pics 2, 3 and 4),

Gunny’s tard-face, hand gestures and belt buckle are all scroteworthy.

But does Gunny bring the hott enough for a true HCwDB of the Month?

That is the question.

For the H.C. side, Blondie’s shoulder suckle, hint of quality boobage, and swan innocent smile, are all worthy counterpoints.

I would raisin her brans.

And then corn her pops.

Yup. It’s breakfast time for the DB1.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: P. Doody

With an ambiguous takedown request that may or may not have meant Hairy Belafonte, I’m not taking the risk and instead subbing in the #2 (in every sense) tatt disaster that is P. Doody.

This is also a first here at HCwDB, in which an award winning slutty hott, Carly, took one douchebag to the HCwDB Championship last year, and is now cohabitating with another worthy contender of scrote.

Carly Hott is like the Roseanna Arquette of HCwDB. First she inspires a mediocre Toto song.

Then she inspires a drippy but iconic Peter Gabriel Song.

Which in turn inspires John Cusack to hold up a boombox in a moment that makes dating girls impossible for the next four years due to raised “Lloyd Dobler” expectations of googoo eyed crap. Which inspired Ione Skye to ditch the sentimental crap and marry a Beastie Boy. Which was absolutely the right call.

Toto. Nice Dune soundtrack. Clowns.

Wait, what was I talking about again?

Oh yeah, Carly Hott.

I have no idea what I’m saying. I desperately need caffeine.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Tiki Douche and Anonymous Bikini Hott

Like Gunny, The Tiki Pud brought with him a run of scrotal achievement with various bikini girls, as seen in pic 2, , pic 3 and pic 4.

Granted, all are with lesser hottage than in the main pic.

The lack of hotts, as with Gunny, discounts the Tiki’s truly noxious taint-scent from mockage.

Still, for classic douche signifiers, you have a pretty potent list:

1. The neo-colonialist desecration of numerous indiginous languages, peoples and cultures, all in one single garrish shoulder tatt.

2. Silly belt buckle + chain

3. The douche-face

4. Boobie hottie suckle thigh in tight candy-striper pants

And I reiterate that Anonymous Bikini Hott is not getting the props she deserves. Take another look, people. She is a softwater drink of fleshy melon smoothie.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Bucky Got Mad Game and Kathy

Bucky got mad game, and he got crazy skillz. And he got Kathy Hott.

All sorts of hip-hop wigga wrongess in this classic HCwDB formation.

This pic also brings reminders of College Hotts.

How they know not the cultural value they carry in their youth and smiles and wonderfully white teeth and Prell smelling hair.

And then, like every iconic HCwDB pic, there’s the “WTF” moment. In this case, the welding gloves.

Welding Gloves, Bucky? Really?

So them’s your four.

Which combo most inspires you to fits of rage and cries at a godless universe enough to book them a slot in the coveted HCwDB of the Year?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

HCwDB of the Week

Ali bomaye!! Ali bomaye!! It’s on.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Bucky Got Mad Game (and Crazy Skillz)

What always adds a second layer of crapwaddery to an HCwDB pic is confirmation that the coupling is, indeed, real.

Later that week we learned that not only did Bucky have mad game, but he has crazy skillz.

And the painful pic #3 confirmed this taintball of poseur lick was actually with tanned Kathy Hott.

Kathy Hott has a smile that makes avacados shimmy and grapefruits burst forth with citrus seed.

Bucky needs to be run over by a steam train and then peed on by a titmouse.

Also note the giant welder’s gloves as Bucky “Runs with the Goose.” A new douche look for 2009? Perhaps.

And the pants? Hammertime.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Shmeg Warrior

This pic has grown on me like a fetid fungus for a number of reasons.

At first, Shmeg felt like your standard Party Choad. Then I looked closer.

The smug pout.

The dipshit hair with frosted tip bonus.

The hint of Vote for Pedro mustache.

The prominent neck bling.

And curling up with him is our Drunk Sorority Hottness, Amanda, with sexy shoulder suckle and dazed “do me” resignation.

She reminds me that we must also pay tribute to Farrah Fawcett, the originary H.C. of the 1970s. A bit before my time, but I hear that poster brought about many to want to Lee her Majors.

And if she is Farrah echo, he’s Michael’s chimp, Nubbles.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Scrotasaurus

This pic did not get the HCwDB props it deserved when it first appeared last week.

Note two of the hottest, purest, ivory snow ladies that I would salivate on like a drooling brain-addled oxy contin addicted lobotomy patient enraged after watching six straight hours of Mind of Mencia while strapped to a Clockwork Orange torture chair.

And do not let the grin forgive the Scrotasaurus his douchitude. For he is the worst of Vegas pustule.

Clearly this is HCwDB Weekly material. But is this coupling (tripoling?) rank enough to win?

(Dis)honorable mention to Steven King’s The Tongue and The Tongue Part 2, Luke Wilson’s Tumor, Follywood Squares and Suspenders of Disbelief, each of whom just missed the cut, for varying degress of hottness and douchitude.

So them’s your three.

Which rises to the top (bottom) of the scale? That’s up to you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Friday Thoughts and Links

As the douche smells hott ass, so do we all inhale whiffs of our own proverbial hottassitude on this Friday.

The first week of the HCwDB show, Is She Really Going Out With Him? is wrapping up on MTV, and I’m feelin’ good.

After so much work over the last year, your humble narrator on all things boobie/douchey is thrilled to see ISRGOWH finally reach the teevee. So far so good, but keep spreading the word.

Today, I find myself meditating on the arch of the young suckle thigh’s inner neck. It is tasty and sometimes salty. And I am also ruminating on how much I hate those silky, designer rapsta Yankee caps. For they are camel poo.

But finally, I’ve been thinking about the vacuous emptiness of Jennifer Aniston. Her eyes are dead. Like a shark. Hers is the blankness of a nihilist framework without meaning. An empty shell of Hollywoodified personality blank. She’s not a bad person. She’s just an abyss. But I’d still lick her boobies.

Here’s your Friday Links:

Honorary Douchebag of the Month: The Paparazzo Surfer ‘Bag on TMZ.

Hot Chicks with… Something.

Commando: Libya. The greatest underground videogame of the late 1980s. For the legendary Commodore 64. The entire point was simply to shoot up Libyans as they walked across the screen who couldn’t shoot back. It was sick and demented Reagan era crypto-fascist youth prep. Imagine my joy when I found a Commando: Libya flash simulator online.

The HCwDB of the Month is on Monday, but this coupling of hott and taint is the odds-on favorite in Vegas for the next Week.

Ed Hardy plague infects Australia. It’s like when Bart unleashed the frogs.

There’s even virtual HCwDB combos on Second Life.

Japan is being overrun by something called “grass-eaters”, young men who focus entirely on makeup and preening. Are they Japanese douchebags? Hard to say, but warrants monitoring.

Via the always brilliant The Daily Show, Long Island wants to secede. Nice trio of ‘bag tagging, Samantha Bee. If that is your real name.

And finally, for all of your hard work and to celebrate the first week of the show, here’s a double reward: Twin Ass Pear. Quality.