Douche Designing for Fun… and Profit!
How to dig out of America’s current economic crisis? Douchewear.
What does this clip teach us?
1. Visors attract more of a hip crowd.
2. You’ve got to be mindful of what’s going on in popular culture. Which means, of course, “Mine… not yours.”
3. “Bigg Dogg.” via douche-to-english dictionary = “small penis.”
Cease and Defist
Fistbumping is a relic of the early 00s. Definitely douchey, but can be passable in the right friendly circumstance (aka not sure if the other guy washed his hands).
Air Fistbumping a camera? With mandana and medieval quotation chest-tatt douche markings? While your Tiny Princess Hott snuggles?
Go directly to uberdouche. Do not pass Go.
Starhead Saturday
What’s most impressive about Starhead isn’t the fact his shirt has a rose to match the rose he’s given the brunette Famke Jansen hott.
It isn’t even his commie belt buckle or triceratops gel hair.
It is the subtle finger points while grabbing dual ass pear.
They state, “Starhead may be playing up his androgynous rockstar persona, but when the ladies aren’t paying attention, he got mad game, dog!”
No. No he do not got made game, dog.
For he only got crabs.
Friday Thoughts and Links
There’s something to be said for the superhuman douchescrotes carrying ever onward despite age, receding hairlines and potential skin cancer.
Refusing to bow down to societal mock, they douche ever onward. Hat tilting and hair gelling to the last.
For all of us here at HCwDB, we need our supervillains to battle.
Without The Gator, the Donk, Fish Slap and Smoot, where would we as a society know to draw the line at garish turd-douchery in presence of the hott?
They help us to define the poo. As such, we should… well, continue to mock their sorry asses.
Here’s your links:
Gramps wins! Good for gramps.
Do you hear that sucking sound in Vegas? It’s a natural phenomenon that geologists call The Triforce of Douche.
Mila Kunis is the future ex-Mrs.DB1. I will woo her with dandelion wine and fried plantains until she grows bored and texts her agent demanding he cut the meeting short.
Some dude in Hollywood is on a comedy mission: Arthur Kade: The Miniseries. I’m just pleased I was one of the quotes featured. And now here’s Arthur Kade: The Miniseres, Part 1. The problem is, Kade’ll be flattered.
For the ladies: How to reduce cleavage wrinkles? Kush Support.
Reality thespian, intellectual scion and humanitarian social theorist Jon Gosselin is turning so douchey, the TLC network plans to blur all Ed Hardy from the show.
Orange County seems offended that I place them in my top five HCwDB areas. You may quibble with the rhetoric but can you really challenge the underlying premise? Or, in OC speak, “why y’all bein’ a playah hatah?”
“I advertise my business with my muscles”
And finally, because I like to give back to the community, here’s some hydroponic ass pear.
Go forth and celebrate. Another day of living.
Joey Goes for Boob
When you’re leaning in for a simultaneous boob grab and head lunge, causing Suzanne to stumble backwards and grab on to you so she doesn’t fall down, the ‘roid rage may be kickin’ in, Joey.
Someone needs a time out.
And by time out, I mean anal probe from the Lizard People of Theta-9.
While I whisk Suzanne off to my pup tent for marshmallow shoulder rubs and awkward sleeping-bag groping.
Pukey McJerz
Nothing says “sexy” quite like a Bleeth and a Douche cuddling by a parking lot rest stop in outer New Jerz.
Up next, The Bleeth Toss.
Friday Haiku
PIC DELETED
Do boobs a hot make?
Cuddles with Hardpocalypse,
phallic champagne pops.
Me thinks Heiddegger’s
Existentialism Is
Boobs precede essence.
— “Lesbian Thermos” Ernie Tubesock
sister’s airbrushed shirt
stoically is mocking
his little pony
— Dimples
eyes of alien
say call the mothership on
my giant funbags
— Extra Douchetestrial
Hard body, worn face
Apart from melancholy
Nothing is real here
— Deputy Douche
Ask DB1: Is Pink Autoscrote?
—-
DB1,
I have been a solid follower of the site from the Great White North and approve wholeheartedly of your seemingly futile attempt to eradicate the douche or at the very least eradicate the hott’s association with scrote.
I must extend a query related to the pink shirt on a dude. For years now I have railed against this practice based solely on the traditional belief that it is a color reserved for the fairer sex.
I personally believe it to be on the same level as so many other douche qualities. Like super-quaffed hair or excessive jewelry and anything else that is basically taking a traditional female approach to garments and grooming and wrongly applying to the male realm.
Thoughts?
Sincerely,
Bilbo Baggins
—-
As with cars and tatts, I refuse to condemn an entire color to the realm of auto-scrote. I also think it’s reductive to claim that color should be determined by socially imposed gender binaries. If we buy into society’s determinant that “pink=girl” and “blue=boy,” are we not letting the very dictates of culture determine what we wear in the same way Ed Hardy overcharges for feces stained t-shirts?
That being said, Pinky McShave here makes a strong argument as he and his “boyz” mug Tiny Dancer on the dance floor.
I turn it over to you. What say you? Are pink clothes on a guy automatically scrotey? Or should we refrain from the douchal condemnation of an entire color on the wavelength spectrum?
Rule of Thumbs
If you have to tattoo “HARD CORE” on your fingers, you are neither “hard,” nor “core.”
Even Svetlana learned that in Poland.
In Scrabble, unless there’s a “double word” bonus, your hands are worth 14 points.
And if you interlace your hands, you’re just CHOARRED. Which makes, like, no sense at all.
In fact there are numerous other eight letter words that would be more appropriate for finger tatting.
Like aardvark.
Or dognapper.
Or milkweed.
Or odometer.
Or psyllium.
The "Rockstar Leniency Rule" Explained
Some remain confused about what exactly is meant by the “Rockstar Leniency Rule.”
To wit (to Chiam Witz), here it is explained again:
In certain specific cases, those in which dressing up in douchesque ways are part of a theatrical or musical spectacle, there is some leeway granted before we tag “douche.”
This covers the carnivalesque superhero (like the WWE), the stage show singer/performer (Kiss, Van Halen) and the from-the-streets success story (Lil’ Wayne, 2Pac, Jewel Kilcher).
If musical success has been achieved, douchosity can be seen as a necessary costume or affect — like whooping cough. It is not necessarily forgivable, it is simply factored in as potentially a part of the performative spectacle.
The second part of the R.L.R. involves factoring in humor or self-deprecation. Justin Timberlake, long seen as a major carrier of the Grieco Virus, has mostly redeemed himself by participating in self mocking and taking the piss out of his “pretty boy” construct. I’m not ready to grant Timberlake a full nottadouche just yet, but he’s on the road of recovery.
Again, this is a case by case basis.
Kid Rock remains an ubersquat both on and off stage, no RLR granted. John Mayer attempts humorous self deprecation to appeal for an RLR, but in his case, Mayer simply reveals the gargantuan ego of the true douche rotting and festering in his soul.
The RLR is never automatic. It merely allows us leeway to account for the performative by the entertainer that we wouldn’t grant to, say, one of the Joey Porsche Long Island poseur crew.
