The Oilcakes
Should be a mellow week here at HCwDB, what with the holidays and all.
Since the last two weeks were the Douchie Awards, I have nice little stockpile of choad/hotts piled up in the HCwDB vault, so I’ll be cleaning ’em out all week.
And by cleaning ’em out, I mean Lysoling my eyeballs until they shrivel up and prune.
So lets start it off with this curvy, confusing, oiled up mess. Is the blonde Bleethy Jerz? Absolutely. Does Ted need to help the Best Buy customers tomorrow, starting at 9am? Of course.
But tonight, they party.
Happy Hannukah
From all of us here at HCwDB, Happy Hannukah!
And to Black Santa, dear God please don’t poke anyone’s eyes out with that thing.
Quartasian Mia Sara Hott Enjoyed the 2008 Douchie Awards
While her coupling with Deathtongue didn’t take the biggest prize, Quartasian Mia Sara Hott is happy to walk off with her 2008 Douchie for Hottest Hott.
And with this pic of QMSH, just submitted by an anon reader, is there any doubt left as to her merit for the award?
I would somersault through a field of rusty tacks in outer Uzbekistan dressed only in a mumu and ringlets of gardenias just for the chance to ride a full speed rickshaw through crowds of Beijing tech workers on the off-chance of seeing the 4th Cousin she never knew get shoved on a train.
HCwDB of the Year: The Metaphysical Hooligan and Carly Hott
The Metaphysical Hooligan may not be the most uniquely outrageous scrotewank we’ve featured this year. Carly Hott may not be the hottest hott. But together, they form uber-poo.
And by uber-poo, I mean the subjective mirror stage of hottie/douchey commingling that reflects all of our societal traumas back upon us.
Witness pics two and three. While Droopy and Surfer Kelly made the more outrageous singularity, Hooligan and Carly formed the most toxic HCwDB of the year.
In fact I plan to name my new fusion, ska, trip-hop, reggae, punk, Swedish-death-metal, jazz, kletzmer band The Metaphysical Hooligans. We’ll be playing the local hockey rink with the influential 70s funk-Christian thrash band, I Killed a Hobo.
And besides, check out that nip ring. The Hooligan is ur-choad. And Carly Hott, in pics two and three, confirms a delightful, if artificially enhanced, innocent sweetness of boobie bouncing cacophony.
There may be controversy. Fans of Droopy made a strong case. But a winner had to emerge. And like Joey Porsche before him, The Metaphysical Hooligan has claimed the hottie/douchey crown and head-shaven immortality.
Here’s a recap of your 2008 Douchie Award Winners:
Hottest Hott of the Year: Quartasian Mia Sara Hott from “Deathtongue”
Purest State of Douche-Zen: Samurai Scrote
Biggest Transformation from Douche to Kinda-Sorta Not So Bad: Bra!!
Celebrity HCwDB of the Year: Criss Angel and Assorted Hotts
Douchiest TV Show of 2008: Sunset Tan
The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Fish Slap
Best Golden Globes: The Hourglass from “The Beachbag and the Hour Glass”
Most Annoying ‘Baglings: Mo’ Cheeks
Most Expensive First Date Hott: Hamster Hott
Most Likely to be a Part of the Guggenheim’s Permanent Collection in 2023: Still Life with Coors Light
Orangest Orange: Millennium ‘Bag
Sexiest Librarian Glasses: Pink Popp
“The Yellowtail” aka The Oldbag: Master Blaster
Douchiest Video of the Year: B4-4’s “Get Down”
Hottest ‘Girl Next Door’ Hott: Halo Angel
Most Innovative New Douche Maneuver:Mouth-Shirt Ab Reveal
Best Ass Pear: Ass Not What Your Country Can Do For You
Douchiest Tattoo + Facial Hair Combo: Dog
Douchiest Collective Scrotacalypse: God’s Sneeze
Douchiest Human Suppository: X-Lax
Greatest Crisis of Modernity: Fung
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: DNA Dan
Most Deserving of a Trashcan to the Head: He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks
Douchiest Facebook Entry: He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks
Sweetest Smile: Sue-Ellen from “Sue-Ellen’s Shiny Tool”
Douchiest MySpace Entry:Brothabag Leon
Douchiest New Accessory: The Wristdanna
Smells Like Poo: O-Prune
Douchiest Facial Hair: The Blowfish
The Ricky aka Douchiest Everybag: Pippy
Douchiest Fist of Power: Fist of Power
Douchiest Hair: Wheatstalks
2008 DOUCHIE TECHNICAL AWARDS:
‘Bag Hunter of the Year (Comments Threads): DarkSock and Baron Von Goolo (tie)
‘Bag Hunter of the Year (Submissions): ‘Bag Lanta
‘Bag Huntress of the Year (Comments Threads): Medusa Oblongata and IdahoHottPotato (tie)
‘Bag Huntress of the Year (Submissions): Amanda (for the five part Doucheclowns in the Shower series in November)
Best Fan Video: “Shortboat’s Cruel Summer” by Adolf Skroatler von Baggenstein
Best HCwDB Anthem: “Douchebags” by FogLizard
HCwDB Thread Mascot of the Year: Pfah and plinky (tie)
In future HCwDB news, I will be commencing a Hall of Hott, with an initial inductee class of all 2007 and 2008 Douchie Winners for Hottness, as well as ten more, to be voted on by a panel of regulars. If you would like to be on the panel and have contributed in the threads regularly, nominate yourself.
Thanks to everyone for another great Douchies. Couldn’t have done it without the brilliant and hilarious comments that everyone contributes in the voting.
Your humble narrator is in New York for the holidays. It has just started snowing. The boobie hottie suckle thighs are covered in down coats and scarves. But I can still see them. And their scrote-choad boyfriends.
Whom I will continue to mock for the forseeable future.
Friday Haiku
Douchies are ending,
Nub upset, he didn’t win.
Pouty Reese gets ‘locked.
Frustrated with life
Nub is sick of the party
He’s here for laundry
— End the Haberdouchery
Reese Witherspoon hott,
Why must you hang with this douche?
You’re Legally Bleeth.
— boatbutter
Reese regrets her choice.
Natty, Miller cups, flag pin.
Nub constipated?
— Douchimus Prime
Nub is not happy
Bad interview at Wendy’s
She wants fries with that
— BillDouchiest the Wild Swine
Hottest Hott of the Year: Quartasian Mia Sara Hott from "Deathtongue"
Barely edging out April, and it was thisclose, sexy Quartasian Mia Sara Hott pulls off the victory.
For perfect cat-like eyes, perky tiny nose and ridiculously sexy bod, hers is a dream we can all curl up and sleep in. And lets not forget Flirty side-butt.
Congrats on the 2008 Douchie Award, QMSH. Now drop Tonguey before you get rabies.
Purest State of Douche-Zen: Samurai Scrote
Samurai Scrote does not need a 2008 Douchie Award.
It needs him.
Biggest Transformation from Douche to Kinda-Sorta Not So Bad: Bra!!
While undeniably a douche (star-tatts, facial mugs, etc.), we have to face facts here, people.
Bra!! has turned us around.
He brings joy into our lives with every happy sip he takes from yet another tasty cola beverage. His unbridled exuberance at everything from macking on tiny Latino cuties poolside to reaching the Supreme Court require us to realize two things:
1. Bra!! is a huge fratdouche.
2. The guy is kind of endearing in a clueless happy-go-lucky sort of way.
And so we give him this special 2008 Douchie for riding the long road of transformation here at HCwDB.
Has Bra!! reformed his scrotey ways? Hell no. But somewhere along the line, we started rooting for him. Enjoy your 2008 Douchie, Bra!! We know you will.
Have a Mr. Pibb.
And put on some shorts.
Celebrity HCwDB of the Year: Criss Angel and Assorted Hotts
Barely beating out Marissa Miller and her human Ass-Pimple husband, it was the homeless scrote, Criss Angel, and assorted Hotts, for the solid victory and the 2008 Douchie. As Levon puts it:
I vote Criss Angel. He trumps these other mega-tools because he has a uber-shitty cirque du soleil show in Las Vegas. He didn’t even get one star from any of the critics. NOT EVEN HALF A STAR. Both he and his show blow goats and eat cow patties.
And Anonymous:
Criss Angel…easily. Watching the muppets being raped would be more pleasant than staring at this jackass. The fact that he has a veritable army of Hotts is even more infuriating.
And SkyPork:
There is no contest here. Chrisss Angel has created, from the ether, an entirely new dimension of Douche. The scrotosity we see is only a multi-dimensional shadow cast by Crisss’s true form, from a higher plane of doucheal wankism we can’t even detect. Nor would we want to.
And Chris in ‘Baghdad:
“Criss” Angel of course. He is no angel and does not know how to spell Chris. His whole weird go out is demonically creepy, his bling sucks, but he does nail D list sleazy celebrity hotts with regularity.
Woe is the state of the once classy area of performance magic. From Robert-Houdin to Maskelyne to Chung Ling Soo to this.
Here’s your 2008 Douchie for Celebrity HC(s)wDB of the year, Crisss and assorted Hotts. Now saw yourself in half.
Douchiest TV Show of 2008: Celebrity Tan
And while you’re voting in the Yearly, the 2008 Douchie Award for Douhiest TV Show goest to E!’s Sunset Tan.
Now I haven’t actually seen Sunset Tan.
In fact I’m not even convinced it’s a real show. But readers report that 2007 HCwDB legend Meet Joe Douche is one of the main tanbags. And that lots of boobies abound. So lets congratulate Sunset Tan for a well earned 2008 Douchie Award.
Runners up included iconic ur-choad Mystery on VH1’s The Pickup Artist, MTV’s From G’s to Gents, and, of course, PBS’s Frontline. Stupid Frontline douches.
