Doucheclowns in the Shower, Pt. 2
Part 2 reveals the scrum growing tighter. Baseball cap is now in the shower, as the hats tilt back, the hand gestures grow more faux-gangsta, and one clown moves in for the ass-bite.
Ass-bite Doucheclown is the Alpha ‘Bag.
In Part 3, while the Beta ‘Bags become distracted, Alpha Doucheclown will move in for the kill…
Doucheclowns in the Shower, Pt. 1
Part 1 of a five part series examining the primitive natural habitats of doucheclowns on the hunt of a green bikini hott.
Notice the key givaways as the douchescrum gathers:
1. Shaved pits on ‘bags
2. Giant mandanas in the shower
3. Drunk hotts in state of confusion
Up next: How the scrotewanks position themselves groin-first towards Green Bikini Hott…
Xenu Laughs at You
Alien taint warlord from the planet Alpha Scroturion Five, HCwDB legend, Xenu, laughs at mere mortals who attempt to douche it up in the presence of a hot.
Only Xenu can pollute the boobie hottie suckle thigh with transcendental clarity tests and weird auditing classes, and while wearing a silk dickie.
Heidi and the Orange Popsicle
Note the Popsicle’s tentative “hang loose” gesture.” There is an awkwardness to his gait. As if he is trying on the California Douche, yet hasn’t learned to evoke the higher portents of scrotal taint.
Meanwhile, Heidi has transitioned into her late 20s early young MILF stage with firm thighs and sunny disposition.
She would discipline me with a fly swatter and a large vat of warm Crisco, and then whip up some french toast for breakfast the next morning.
Jailbait with Baldwinbag
I believe that’s the Chinese sign for “Frank Stallone.”
As to Miley Cyrus, you are under age, so I will simply note that Vegas oddsmakers are pulling for you to make the “Jennifer Love Hewitt Expansion” around your 18th birthday, and have you at 3:1 to do so.
We can’t have another Blossom on our hands. That traumatized an entire generation in the early 1990s.
"Cooties Are Real"
Once, when I was walking down the street, I heard a strange young voice cry out to me.
“Cooties are real.”
I stopped and turned. I was standing by a schoolyard during recess.
A young girl, maybe nine or ten, stared at me through the fence. Her eyes had the fixed gaze of someone offering a somber and life-changing warning.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“Cooties are real.”
She repeated her intonation in the hushed whisper of revealing a tragic, yet important, well guarded secret.
I wasn’t sure how to respond. Which cooties? And how did she know they were real?
Then the girl handed me a small, folded picture, through the black chain-link fence. As soon as I had it in my grasp, she turned to run off and play with the other children.
I turned over the folded picture and opened it.
It was these two beachgoing choadwanks, and their Bleethed out ladies.
It was true. The girl was right. I had to spread the word.
Cooties are real.
Reader Mail: The Photobag
gian writes in from Italy:
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Dear DB1,
i was watching this sweet croationa volleyball’s team photos when suddenly i was stuck with this orrendus pic featuring this uber scrote and these delicious hot….
ciao
Gian Douche
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Ah yes, the Photobag.
Those pseudo-artistic pretentious choadwanks who pretend to be “artists” to get the young hotts to pose for them. Who talk about how they just do publicity and advertising to “pay the bills” while they put their gallery show together.
With long lenses most phallic, we must mock the Photobags for being the gum snapping asswipes they are.
And if we get to stare at Croatian Volleyball Leg Hottness along the way, think of it as cosmic reward.
Caption This Pic
No Weekly, as your humble narrator is digging through the year’s pics and starting to put together the categories for the 2008 Douchie Awards.
Instead, here’s a Caption This Pic that is totally up to you. Figure this mess out with hilarious reparte and savage wit in the comments thread.
EDIT: And here are a few:
The pubic lice formed their formidable battle phalanx and began their relentless assault on Gurn Blanston’s asshole. (darksock)
You are here. And you will regret it in the morning. (massengill)
Scungilli Sammy got tired of yelling “Yo, check this out” in noisy nightclubs. (scrotunda)
I’m with stupid. (neil)
I’m with tiny (anonymous)
Due to the economic downturn, Olaf was unable to afford a real GPS. So he had to resort to alternative methods of telling which way was south. (anonymous)
The 2008 Douchies
Yup.
Los Angeles may be on fire, but that won’t stop us. It’s almost that time.
The 2008 Douchies.
Starting December 8th.
Ask DB1: The Douchestral Cycle
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Douchebag1,
As a long fan of the site I have been pondering the different levels of douche. Some guys are stage 1, 2, 3, or 4 ‘bags all of the time.
However, I also think there is a different kind of bag in which the person in question is not a bag a lot of the time, but at certain times of the month is a gigantic douche. Perhaps some bags are on a douchestrual cycle akin to the female menstrual cycle? What are your thoughts on this?
Jurassic Douche
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Absolutely correct, J.D. Nicolaus Copernicus first observed this oscillation in 1539 with the publication of De Revolutionibus Orbium Douchestium,, translated roughly as “The Smelly Poo ‘Bags of Prussia Need to Be Smacked with a Rubber Chicken.”
Unfortunately, such cyclical swings in hottie/douchey manifest cannot be predicted. They can only be mocked. From a safe distance.
